Spoof news snippets from Friday 8 May 2009
Psych's Explain McCain Behavior
Psychiatrists say John McCain's hatred towards water boarding comes from his childhood when he saw his mother being dunked in a New England lake by Cotton Mather, to see if she was a witch.
Yes We Can Change!
Political candidates spent over 5.3 billion dollars on the 2008 elections, most of them running on the campaign spending reform bill.
Obama On Iraq
President Barack Obama reveals highly original new plan to help Iraq. "Let's raise the rich ones taxes and spread it around a bit."
GOP Changing Symbols?
U.S. Republicans may change their party symbol from the elephant to the zebra wearing sombrero in order to get more Black, Hispanic votes.
The Specter Spectacle
Senator Arlen Specter has changed political parties becoming the first bullmoose party candidate since Teddy Roosevelt. Also has sex change, joins Buddhists in Tibet and wears a beanie.
Press Bad-mouths Our Leaders
Don't blame us! As expenses scandal rocks Westminster, the all-too predictable response from our rulers. All 300 plus claim they were set up.
Tennessee Astronaut Has His Dreams
Nashville, Tennessee astronaut tells news reporters that he wants to be the first to ever buck dance on the moon.
Gene Pool Breakrthrough
A major breakthrough for the gene pool as Kentucky exchanged 2,000 inbreds for 1,000 inbreds from West Virginia and another 1,000 from Arkansas.
The Big Brute
Police in Utah find 103 kids, seventeen women in Mormon home when they go to remove the dead body of 79 pound husband and father.
Rice At Record High
Rice jumps to record high as a mouse suddenly appears under the former Secretary of State's chair.
Octomom admits husband might be father of only two of their children
I guess this makes him just duo-dad.
World Health Organization admits that swine flu really came from cats, not pigs
The women doctors said that we couldn't call it "Cat Flu" because men might stop eating pussy.
No new swine flu deaths reported today...
...but 300,000 pigs still die in meat packing plants.
Michael Phelps to Appear in Subway Commercial with Jared Fogle
Will the multi-gold winning Olympic swimmer pass him the bong?
Michael Phelps to Appear in Subway Commericials with Jared Fogle
They go to Subway because the Olympic Gold Medalist got the munchies!
Couple Really Out Of It
Confused couple just off Disney Cruise after pirate attack, swine flu scare, book themselves on the next cruise missile headed home.
Joan Accepts Offer
Melissa Rivers mother, comedian Joan Rivers has accepted a one million dollar check from Larry Flint not to appear nude in his Hustler Magazine.
Dolly's Bra Win Lifetime Achievement Award
Dolly Parton's bra has received a special golden award by the Country Music Hall of Fame for the best supporting role in an entertainment undergarment.
Nader On Oprah
Ralph Nader, appearing on Oprah yesterday says he runs for president every four years because he wants his voice heard and has that right as a citizen. Then he thanked Oprah for the free car.
Edwards Submits Hair
John Edwards, hit with paternity suit and compelled to send hair for DNA testing, pulls one off his chest. Rechecks each one on his head to see if it's just right.
CBS Sub-Contracts News
CBS News still finishing far behind the other networks, decide to sub-contract it out to CNN, Al Jazeera.
Possible "Great Satan" Tax
OPEC finally settles on a set price for a barrel of oil. However, prices of barrels, plus Great Satan Tax could be added to those headed for the U.S.
SBV's Still After Kerry
Swift Boat Veterans say Senator John Kerry never did endorse Barack Obama for president, also moved golf ball with foot away from tree root yesterday.
Crane Operator Fooling With Some Stupid Machine
Crane operator in Florida calmly goes about his business moving around sand while crane on beach that has eaten bad fish lies dying.
Seeing Many Things
A new study has revealed that four out of every five visionaries use visionary-enhanced substances.
Yucca Mountain News
Neighbors say that Yucca Mountain, where the United States stores it's nuclear waste, is starting to move around a bit at night.
Viagra, Levitra Study
A national survey shows that most men who use either Viagra or Levitra are, for the most part, big old softies.
Fake "Bubba Teeth" Recalled
China is recalling half a million fake "Bubba Teeth" that have lead in them. One person flattened after informing Tennessee man, whose teeth were real
Pope In Mideast
Pope Benedict XVI stressed his "deep respect" for Islam as he arrived in Jordan to begin a Middle East visit. "Also any of you Hindu, Buddhist, I like you too. So let's just put our guns away, OK?"
Flu Flock Flee
Nearly 300 guests and staff at a hotel in Hong Kong have been released after being held in quarantine for a week due to a feared outbreak of swine flu. Each immediately flew home.
Gas Thieves Caught
In Nagales Arizona last night three thieves were caught while trying to steal gas from an old Fart, who held them by gunpoint until police arrived.
Monkeys Move Arms ByThought
Monkeys can now control a robot arm by their thoughts, say scientists, every one of them covered with monkey shit.
Did Her Best
Sec. of State Hillary Clinton revealed today that her husband had successfully dodged over a dozen assassination attempts right after the Lewinsky affair, and there just might be another one.
G.W. Opponents Rally
Global Warming opponents plan million man march on Washington DC this summer. Plan to light 100,000 farts at one time. BYOB.
(Bring Your Own Beans)
Cracker Barrel Expanding
Cracker Barrel Restaurants soon to have a Kiddieland at each site, including a barrel of monkeys.
Republicans New Proposal
Republicans in the House and Senate push forth bill that would have "Total Weight" as determining factor in whether bills are passed or not.
No Martian Probe
Conspiracy theory: Despite words from Houston, Martians say no United State's Mars Probe ever landed on their planet. "What you've seen is a complete fake."
Swine, Bird Flu?
Top flu expert warns nation of a swine flu-bird flu mix by this fall but skeptics say "When Pigs Fly!"
Fannie Mae Wants Some More
Fannie Mae taps the Treasury again after $23 billion loss. Bettie Lou needs a new pair of shoes.
Enouraging Signs?
Obama: Encouraging signs, but too many still out of work and most signs say, "Will work for food".
The average spoof writer has 99 friends
It has been exclusively revealed by the Lancaster psychologist, Mark Lowton, that the average spoof writer has 99 friends. 92 of them are Monkey Woods.
Gentleman Spotted
A gentleman was spotted in Manhattan. Thought to have arrived in a time machine.
Leaked: David Cameron's latest the expense claim
It is rumoured that Conservative leader, David Cameron, has put in an expense claim for bicycle padlock - only yesterday! He does not even have a bike.
Because The Spoof Says So
U.S. Senator Specter says the Grand Old Pizza Party has moved to the right because The Spoof says so.
Surveillance Celebration
Politicos and bureaucrats around the world celebrate - with partying today - the rising surveillance society, as Europeans otherwise - on V-E Day - celebrate the end of ... a surveillance society.
Old Woman Laughed to Death
An old woman laughed herself to death after reading a story at The Spoof. The story was thought to be taken out of the blue, but it turned out to be an accurate description of the political circus.
The Paranoid University of Illinois
H1N1 FLU ALERT : The University of Illinois at Chicago banned the traditional congratulatory handshake at its graduation exercises. Yale announces that any graduate who sneezes will be arrested.
The Place Formerly Known As Horn of Africa
The Horn of Africa Chamber of Commerce in order to attract more visitors will be officially changing its name to Horny of Africa.
The Weight Saga of Kirstie "Butterball" Alley
Kirstie "Butterball" Alley, weighs 228 pounds. The ex-Jenny Craig model vows to lose 108 pounds and get down to 120 pounds. When asked how, she said she's only going to eat foods with no ingredients.
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