Spoof news snippets from Thursday 7 May 2009

Photo Of The Day!

Photo of the Day: Representative of Greenpeace points out holes in the ground near a big oil rig in Alaska, where the land had been raped!

We ALL Know

Revealed: We all know what you were doing upstairs there last night. Why did you think we were all staring at you all day? Now aren't you ashamed?

Taliban Still Hiring

The Taliban announced today that they are still hiring but at 36 virgins due to scaled back lower first quarter raids and bombings.

New Film Maybe?

The Central Intelligence Agency detained Paris Hilton for three hours of questioning, interspersed with spankings. Actually she was let go after the first hour but she demanded two more hours.

On May Seventh

On this day in history, Johnny Unitas, star quarterback for the Baltimore Colts, was born. Also today, Regis' Inner Child celebrates 80th birthday.

"Obama Backs Harvey Concert!"

Suzanne Accidentally Decapitates Man

Suzanne Somers announced this morning that she had accidentally decapitated a guy after falling off a ladder and landing on his shoulders. Blames years on the Thighmaster.

On This Day In 1939

On this day in 1939 Adolf Hitler called a meeting of his senior officers of the "Brown Shirts" and told the to "git jiggy wid it!"

Dr. Pepper Admits Problems

Dr. Pepper admits he's been high on Coke for over sixty years now. Wants to consult with Doctor Phil.

Oprah's Guest Late

Recent airplane hero in New York on his way to be on the Oprah program forced to land his plane in the Chicago River.

Edwards Watches Wife On TV

Senator John Edwards says he was waiting like everyone else to hear what his wife had to say on "Oprah." "I was right here sitting on the couch", stated Edwards, "the same place I sleep."

Kenya Warns Youth!

The Kenyan government has called for the youths of their country to quit acting so Juvenile as several have recently lost their lives doing ritual "Lion Tipping".

Seychelles Sign Treaty With Comoros

Seychelles has declared a full scale war on Comoros. Then, after three soldiers on each side die from equatorial heat stokes, decide to sign peace treaty.

Gun Sales Down

Yesterday in the Mexican border town of Huachuca, a Mexican merchant who was going door to door selling guns was gunned down in the street.

Improving Signs In Iraq

Another sign that the war in Iraq may be winding down is the fact that the city of Basrah has voted to go completely hookah free!

Adoption Abuse Continues

Tennessee man who had adopted highway accused of throwing trash on it, leaving black marks, putting out cigarettes.

New Burial Choices

Dr. Scholl's now offering choice for burials as morgue customers have prearranged for their body to simply be wrapped up in six by six-foot odor eater blankets.

Firefighter Heros

Brave Firefighters run onto Cleveland man's porch to stomp out burning sack of shit while family runs out back door.

Little Bobbit To Have Face Transplant

John Wayne Bobbit's penis head to have face transplant. Was ran over by street cleaner before being returned.

Hackers Top Pirates

Hackers Threaten to Expose Private Info; Seek $10M ransom for patients' prescription records, prostitutes telephone numbers, secret gay partners, cannibalism.

Humping At Home

Harry Phibbs: Potholes are certainly a menace but road humps get both participants ran over. Do your humping at home.

Darling Long-faced

Alistair Darling warns that families face "years of austerity" as he prepares to deliver bleak budget report with practiced long face.

Check Out The Centerfold

Yesterday in the Ituri Forest in the Congo was the "Annual Naked Pygmy Photograph Day", a part of a week long festival put on by the National Geographic Magazine.

More Workers Hurting

Polish workers hurting as much as Americans and European workers as thousands laid off from tin foil hat factory.

Venezuelans Teasing Tourists

Venezuelans teasing American, Japanese tourists by pouring gallons of oil on the ground and dancing around it.

New Mexican Flu?

Mexico on alert once again as seven people found dead near the border with the U.S. with round holes in them. Until tests are run, they're calling it the Carbine Flu!

Chelsea Referee Smuggled Out Of Britain

Chelsea referee smuggled out of Britain under police guard after death threats in wake of Champions League fiasco as
Norwegian Tom Henning Ovrebo hopes to remain anonymous.

Lumley Mighty Upset

Joanna Lumley 'shocked and betrayed' as Home Office rejects five Gurkha test cases. Calls traitor PM Brown "A Traitor"

Spending and Debt Is the Obvious Solution

Everyone can see that more spending and more debt is the solution to the problem caused by too much spending and too much debt, President Obama said at a White House press conference.

The Fed Is the Free Market

Everyone can see that the Federal Open Market Committee is the free market, and that it has failed, President Obama said.

Ben Bernanke Drinks from Punch Bowl

Fed Chairman Bernanke was recently seen drinking from the easy money punch bowl. "No sober man would serve the easy money punch bowl, so I have to drink from it to stay drunk," the Fed Chairman said.

Did It Out Of Force Of Hobbit

Scientists have found more evidence that the Indonesian "Hobbit" skeletons belong to a new species of human - "Daddy's Little Man"-and not modern pygmies.

Lost Luggage ' Tough luck travellers'

British Airways are going to avoid paying compensation for lost luggage by simply ignoring emails and letters.A spokesmand said 'Hopefully it wont be worth travelers bothering to persue us in court'

Dog Owners great idea.

Dont ever lose your TV remote control again.Simply tape it to your dog and hey presto! Whistle,and the device is at your beck and call! This can also apply to hot drinks, after intense training.

Google Earth Exciting New Fun

Recreate the danger of a parachute jump in safety by visiting Google Earth and clicking the scroll bar until you reach the ground. Add realism to the exercise by putting a fan on blowing in your face.

Hells Angels ' You Look Hard '

Bikers Remember to give a huge blip of your throttle when stopping at the pub.This will remind patrons outside that you master a beast likely to burst into life at any moment of its own volition.

Dont look like a dumb ass.

IF you fall over backwards in the street, avoid embarrassment by pretending that you are re-creating Charlie George's 1971 FA Cup goal celebration for Arsenal against Liverpool.

God will still anoy more people... just for a giggle.

God will for added entertainment, will make sure the wind is blowing from behind as grannies leave the hairdressers.

God to anoy more people just for fun

God will annoy cyclists by making sure that the wind is blowing in their faces whatever direction they cycle in.

Bernie Madoff to Be U.S. Treasury Secretary

Bernie Madoff is shortly to become U.S. Treasury Secretary. Bernie Madoff and his Ponzi scheme fit so nicely with the Ponzi scheme that is the U.S. paper dollar, a senior White House official says.

Lost Luggage ' Tough luck travellers'

British Airways are going to avoid paying compensation for lost luggage by simply ignoring emails and letters.A spokesmand said 'Hopefully it wont be worth travelers bothering to persue us in court'

Dedicated E-Readers

Amazon's launch of its first dedicated e-reader for newspapers and magazines points to a future when digital and analogue publishing begins to merge, although this is too is forbidden by the Taliban.

Hacking Missile Records?

Sensitive information for shooting down intercontinental missiles as well as bank details and NHS records was found on old computers, researchers say. Then they notice the word, "Cannonballs".

Obama's First 100 Days

One thing many have overlooked in Obama's first 100 days and what he's accomplished, with all the traveling he's only spent three nights in the White House with his mother-in-law.

Experimental Drugs Working Really Well

US scientists say they have successfully reversed the effects of Alzheimer's with experimental drugs that now have patients remembering the future.

We Will Rebuild, Say Townsfolks

Thousands of people in California are once again leaving their homes as a still another wildfire threatens the town of Burns Every Other Year.

Aristocrat Charged With Manslaughter

A white Kenyan aristocrat has been cleared of murder but found guilty of the manslaughter of a black poacher on his family's estate in 2006. Complains "there's just no sport anymore."

Students Involved In "Witness To History" Program

In a new high school program, students will be involved in classwork called "Witness to History" by introducing them to something called, "Newspapers".

Another Car Merger

Now Porsche, Volkswagen announce merger plans. New auto to be called, The Pork Wagon.

Warp Speed Ahead

The warp drive, one of Star Trek's hallmark inventions, could someday become science instead of science fiction, say physicists as Trekies cream pants!

Pope's Trip Different

Pope's Upcoming Mideast trip will not be the same as John Paul's, or even that of George, Ringo's.

Troops Won't Go To Pakistan

US troops in Afghanistan won't be sent to Pakistan. Instead, could be sent to Iran, Mexican border for drug war.

Obama Seeks Spending

White House: President Obama seeks hike in domestic spending, foreign spending, spending spending.

GMC Loses Your Children's Tax Money

GMC posted a $6 billion first-quarter loss & said it spent $10.2 billion more cash than it took in during the first 3 months of the year as revenue plummeted by $20 billion.
Your tax money at work.

Jacqui Smith issues further bans

Following her banning 22 foreigners from entering the UK, Home Secretary Jacqui Smith has banned her husband from going on the internet late at night

Keith Richards still going...

A Rolling Stones spokesman has confirmed that contrary to popular opinion and scientific logic and reason, Keith Richards is still alive.

Ricky Hatton's sandwich shop plans

Boxer Ricky Hatton has announced that he intends to open a sandwich shop in Manchester in the next few weeks. It will be called "Hatton down the Batches".

Kevin Keegan to coach Team GB for 2012 Olympics

Lord Coe has confirmed that Kevin Keegan will coach the British team in the build up to the 2012 olympics. He also confirmed that there is a back up plan in place for Keegan's inevitable resignation.

David Baddiel to host gameshow

David Baddiel has confirmed he has written a new gameshow where the contestants must guess whether people that they see are related to the host. The show will be called "Baddiel or No Baddiel".

Tears for Blears

Hazel Blears has emotionally explained her article damning Gordon Brown over the weekend stating "I had been drinking Baileys all afternoon and was in a terrible drunken rage"

Sheen denies political ambition

Foremer West Wing President Martin Sheen has stated that he has no intention to run for political office. He does however intend to run for the US athletics team in the next Olympics.

Brown denies bike crimes

UK Prime Minister, Gordon Brown has adamantly denied rumours that he is the mystery thief that has stolen David Cameron's bicycle twice in the last 12 months