Spoof news snippets from Monday 9 March 2009
G.M.'s Electric "Spoof" Ready To Roll
The new totally electric three-wheeled General Motors Spoof is almost ready for those who don't mind spending $30,000 and looking like complete idiots.
Medvedev Out Of Putin's Pootin
The CIA reports that Russia's Medvedev is beginning to come out from under Putin's shadow and gotten up off his lap.
Check Your Drug Reactions
Pharmacists and physicians alike ask clients to check their drugs listed reactions when combined with those in the drinking water.
Bailouts Working Out Great
The recent congressional bailouts are working out great according to those given billions, caviar and truffle suppliers, Swiss Banks.
Unknown Terrorist Group Disbanding
The Cuthroats of Cameroon's CooCoo Crazies, a previously unknown terrorist group, announced today that they are disbanding.
Punch Line One Month Too Soon.
Dallas-"I just coudn't wait until April 1st before Cutting Terrell Owens." says Cowboys Owner Jerry Jones. Tony Romo(QB) and Jason Witten(TE) complained, "He ruined the whole thing!"
Viagra's "The Patch"
Viagra introduces "The Ball Patch" that's easily applied, works great for 48 hours but a bugger to peel off your testicles.
More Bank Bailouts
After the latest bank bailouts, bankers spotted by broke clients laughing all the way to their Hummers.
One For The Money, Two For The Show
Two Wall Street executives fell to their deaths this morning as they argued over best best spot on the window ledge.
New Earth Found By Telescope
The new recently launched space telescope has already found an earth-like planet, only this planet is just a little ahead of ours and inhabited only by a gadzillion cockroaches.
Mime In Court
Mime in Paris comes to courtroom for punching out woman who walked through his invisible cube during his sidewalk performance last week, brings along his "Mouthpiece".
Gore On His Hobby Horse
Al Gore: Daylight Savings Time should be abolished because it causes more daylight hours to warm everything up, thereby helping create more global warming.
Obama Reaching A Bit
President Obama says that there is nothing for us to lose by reaching out a hand to the Taliban, Iran, North Korea, even Republicans.
Possible New Toilet Tax Protested
Newly proposed toilet flushing tax in water short California is being protested by beer drinkers, those that suffer with prostate problems and everybody else pissed over still another tax.
Leads To Gray Hair
Researchers find that two-term, eight year presidents usually leads to a lot of gray hair. Ours, not theirs.
Murdoch Apologizes For Obama Monkey
Rupert Murdoch has apologized to President Obama for the offensive cartoon in the New York Post showing Obama as a monkey. He promises newspaper cartoons will return to old "elephant ears" Obama.
Virtual Reality Headsets
Report in Science Today on the new Virtual Reality Headset that mimics all five senses will not affect Trekkies in the least, as they can do that now.
Huge Prison Population
Study finds that one in thirty one American adults are now in prison, one in three that don't bother to pay their income taxes.
Obama Reverses Bush
Barack Obama has already reversed the Bush doctrines of opening wrong doors, waging wrong wars and choosing face-shooting Vice Presidents.
Being Filthy Rich Makes You So Gosh Darn Brilliant
Warren Buffett, the world's richest man has stated that unemployment will climb a lot higher. Meanwhile, Bill Gates, the world's third richest man says that the Pacific Ocean is wet.
The Return of Cloris Leachman?
Cloris Leachman, 82, showed up for the premier of ABC's "Dancing With The Stars." Judge Bruno Tonioli had to inform her in a sensitive way that she had been eliminated last year.
The Zimbabwe Name Change
Due to a matter dealing with International copyright infrigement the African country of Zimbabwe will be changing its name to Zimbabus.
Is it Ms. Madonna or Mr. Madonna?
Fans of Madonna are amazed at "The Material Girl's" bulging manly-looking biceps. A close friend reports that they would be shocked to learn of another Madonna bulge that will go unnamed.
A Chicken By Any Other Name...
In an effort to get away from the unappealing name fried, Kentucky Fried Chicken is dropping the word Fried and replacing it with Baked. The new name will now be Kentucky Baked Chicken or KBC.
For Sale: Air Force One - Good Condition, AC/Heat, Brand New Tires
In an effort to show the American people that the White House is concerned with the economic situation the president's plane Air Force One will be sold and replaced with National Guard One.
The Drug Business: What Economic Crisis?
Drugmakers Merck and Schering-Plough to merge in $41 billion deal. Meanwhile Drug Cartels El Drugo and Toro-Vaca to merge in $410 billion deal.
Rush "Mr Potato Head" Limbaugh
Hairdo Magazine has named Rush Limbaugh as 'The Man With The Biggest Head in America.' It added that in order for his body to be equally proportionate to his head, he would have to weigh 700 pounds.
"OctuMom" Loses Her Publicist
The publicist for "OctuMom" has quit. Victor Munoz told reporters that Nadya Suleman is nuts. He added, "She wanted me to talk to ABC and have her replace Nancy O'Dell on "Dancing With The Stars."
The Stewart Family: Martha and Jon
Jon Stewart, host of "The Daily Show," a satirical news program has announced for the first time that he is the biological son of syndicated talk show host Martha Stewart.
Look Out Below!
A ninety-year-old man in Phoenix, Arizona celebrated his birthday by jumping out of a plane yesterday and shitting his pants just before his parachute opened.
Americans Less Religious
More and more Americans say that they have no religion. However, the fastest growing religion is now the "Five-Day Oprahs".
Outsiders Purchasing U.S. Homes
Outside buyers are being drawn to the United State's many foreclosed homes. In fact, the top 200 cities in America each now have their own "China Town" district.
Avon's New Cologne
Avon has released their new Men's Klingon Cologne "A Good Day To Die & Rot" proving a hit among geeks to help them find new friends and mates. You rub just a little on your forehead.
Mattels Britney Barbie
Parents of little girls are upset with the Mattel Toy Company and their recent release of their anatomically correct Britney Barbie with her dress and small car to exit.
Bridges Busy Day & Night
With the economy worsening by the day, bridges are booming with activity as more are sleeping under them at night and jumping off them during the day. Smart old timers are staying in unsold houses.
Blagojevich' s Hair Recovering
Former Governor Blagojevich's of Illinois is spending a few days in a Chicago hospital after the sudden late winter storm hit the city. Apparently Blagojevich was caught outdoors and his hair froze.
Hudson River Full
Rescuers of passengers of the airplane in NYC's Hudson say they were surprised that all passengers were out on the wings waiting for them until they noticed some were standing on junk in the water.
Magic Shoes
A pair of shoes worn by Sarah Palin sold for $2,000 in an online auction. Apparently, the shoes are special. You just click your heels and you're suddenly running for the Vice Presidency.
Stimulus Package Working
The word going around Washington DC is that Michelle Obama is pregnant. Democrats say that is proof positive that the President's stimulus package is working.
The Mail Has Wings
A bird scientist in Wales has developed homing ducks. He says that unlike homing pigeons who only deliver messages, homing ducks can deliver packages weighing up to three pounds.
Charles "#78490324" Barkley
Charles Barkley has begun serving a three day jail sentence. One of the guards reportedly overheard him telling another inmate that he is planning a jailbreak.
The Big Change At Sears
Due to lagging sales Sears is to adopt a three-step program. (1) It will lay off thousands of workers. (2) It will cut down its foreign merchandise imports. (3) It will drop both S's and become EAR.
12,000 Happy/Not-So-Happy Troops
GOOD NEWS: 12,000 American troops will be leaving Iraq.
BAD NEWS: They're being bussed to Afghanistan.
What Can $42 Million Get You?
Bruce Lindsay bequeathed $42 million to a small Christian university in California. The college board voted to change the school's name to That Wonderful Man Bruce Lindsay University
Obama jealous, wants button from Hillary too
That reset button with the wrong name on it was really nice. Now, Obama feels left out. The only button he has to push kills everybody. How do you think that makes him feel. Let's give him one too.
Obama rocks!?
Psycho linguists have decoded the meaning of Obama's first name. The key sound is the "rock" sound. No rabbit, this does not mean he rocks, as many think. We are returning to the stone age.
Chineese are counterfeiting the Amero, using lead centers
Not satisfied with the 800 billion gold Ameros used to mollify them last year, the Chinese have counterfeited 20 trillion Ameros in preparation for a legal invasion in the summer of 2009.
Denver mint equipment now striking the Amero
Chinese have many Ameros produced to quell world revolt against the dollar. April will usher in new world order. Truth is out there. Way out there, man.
Aspartame Content Indicated by Secret Barcode
The elite shield themselves from the poisons meant for the commonhealth with a new bar code scanner that reveals which foods have poisons such as aspartame and which don't, since labels no longer say.
Hobos Getting High on Battery Acid and Aspartame
Not to be outdone by high school students putting videos of themselves taking diet soda / menhos enemas on U-Boob, Hobos are mixing up their aspartame recipe to get "high".
Zyclon-B approved for aerosol sprays
In a surprise move, the FDA cleared the way for the sale of Zyclon-B for use in aerosol sprays. "We figured, eh, if we can approve aspartame, we can do anything we want.", Dr. Strandgedeath said.
Aspartame Approved for Use in Pools
"We needed something toxic, but legal, to kill everything in the pool. It was a no-brainer. We saw what it did to President Reagan. So heh, we sent our lobbiest to the FDA.", Guido told us.
Ask Hitler about apartame
Featured in TheSpoof.com, an interview with someone very close to the organization about how aspartame coulda shoulda woulda been used by the Nazi's.
Premature babies drunk as skunks on aspartame
"It's a good thing they are", relayed Dr. Infernopedeo, head of the prenatal unit. "Slaves having more slaves at time when more slaves are not needed."
Obama in economic summit with Cuba
Obama was seen smoking Cuban cigars while vising with the government in Havana. It is expected that Cuba will be the first country to be issued the new Amero.
Colombia discovers Fart hideouts
Farting Farcs are being tracked and hounded by dogs of Columbia's soldiers. Cans of beans are being parachuted into Farc strongholds to encourage the passing of gas for the dogs to detect.
Intersection named after Bernanke in Dillon
Bernanke visited his hometown for an intersection naming ceremony, punctuated with a car crash.
Obama inaugurates "scientific integrity"
FDA scientists hide under their desks after flushing aspartame, fluoride, and melamine down the toilet. Too bad FDA, your record is in the public domain.
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