Spoof news snippets from Monday 30 March 2009
Great Farting Feathers!!
Seven children rushed to the hospital with breathing problems after the Mother of all Pillow Fights!
Calling The On-Line Casino
Local Wino advertising wine cork that looks like a purple sparkling spider that hops and talks, on eBay.
The Singin', Dancin' and Cheatin' LeAnn Rimes
Reliable sources state that country music singer LeAnn Rimes has accepted an invitation to appear on the Fox Network's reality show, "Dancing With The Cheaters."
The Osaka Mama Doc
A plastic surgeon in Osaka, Japan, has just performed the very first-ever cleavage transplant.
The Great Orator Ozzy Osbourne
A reporter for The Oakland Times wrote that one day last week, Ozzy Osbourne actually uttered three words that everyone understood; dog, cat, and photosynthesis.
Nader/Pickens Seeking Solutions
Ralph Nader, T. Bone Pickens working on windmill energy, going from home to office and back in lawn chair with helium balloons using the windmill air currents.
Alexander The Great?
Historians at UCLA have just discovered that Alexander The Great was really not all that great afterall. They stated that he was more like Alexander The Alright.
Zimbabwe's Telethon
The government of Zimbabwe aware of the enonomic crisis that America is going through held a "Help America" telethon. They will be sending the U.S. a check for $14,329,183.
Those PETA Peeps
PETA bowing to economic pressure from the Food and Drug Administration plans to announce that baloney and salami are not meats.
The Enormous Jury Pool
Due to the tremendous amount of unemployed people the Mackinaw City, Michigan court system says that they have a list of over 8,000 people begging to be called for jury duty.
Obama In Firing Mood
Wall Street takes a major downturn after President Obama fires head of General Motors, whole Walton family.
Hope It Wasn't Niles
Psychiatrist has not been seen since ancient tribe recently discovered in New Guinea asked westerners for a headshrinker.
Monkeys Use Robotic Arm
Laboratory monkeys use a brain-Controlled robotic arm to feed themselves, throw poo at each other, lab technicians.
Chinese Buffet Restaurant, One Customer Flattened
A team of doctors have officially warned restaurant with all-you-can-eat buffets that some obese Americans have reaching the tipping point & are ready to blow after one more bite.
Glue Sniffer Stiffer
Man dies after huffing airplane glue all afternoon to get high. Ask your doctor if huffing airplane glue to get high is right for you.
New FOX Shows
FOX orders the first reality dating show for fat people: 'More to Love'. Next up, "Who Wants To Marry A Circus Geek?"
No More "Rare" Animals
Representatives from PETA and Greenpeace each have asked the press not to call an almost extinct animal species "Rare" anymore. "As soon as you do, some idiot out there will want to eat one."
Still In The Hole
Despite its large sales the year around, the makers of super slick Ky-jelly say their Kentucky business is still in the hole.
Let's Hear More About #3
Daily pill that combines aspirin & 4 blood pressure and cholesterol medicines has passed a big test, potentially offering a cheap way to stop heart disease, stroke & makes your penis hard as a rock.
Teens Suffering Depression
A government-appointed medical panel is urging doctors to routinely screen all American teens for depression. "They need help right now", stated one spokesman. "Tomorrow we could all be dead."
Japanese, S. Korean, U.S. Ships Set Sail
Japanese, S. Korean & U.S. missile-destroying ships set sail to monitor N. Korea's imminent rocket launch, as Pyongyang stoked tensions, saying "If their ships have to sail, they can not harm us."
PMT links to shopping
About 10 days before a woman is on her menstrual cycle, she will go on a shopping spree and by clothes. However, if she misses her period, she will go and buy maternity clothing.
Shopping link to PMT
It has been found that 10 days before their menstrual cycle, women will go on a shopping spree. They mainly buy lots of tampons! However, actresses who work in period dramas are likely to buy dresses.
John McCain's Sex Life
I was conducting an interview with John McCain. He said to me, "Last time I got laid was two bicentennials ago." Considering his age, I'm inclined to believe him.
Time Of The Month To Shop
Women may be able to blame impulse buys and extravagant shopping on their time of the month, research suggests. Men blame having to leave house during the same time.
China Denies Computer Hackings
China has denied involvement in the electronic spy network which researchers say infiltrated computers in government offices around the world. Trouble is, they denied it day before they were accused.
Conrade Duch Apologizes
Court officials have finally started to outline the case against a former Khmer Rouge leader in Cambodia. Leader "Conrade Duch admits it "Got a little out of hand".
Gaddafi Grabs Headlines By Walking Out Of Summit
Libyan leader Muammar Gaddafi has stormed out of the Arab League summit in Qatar having denounced the Saudi king for his ties with the West, bogarting all the headlines.
New Safety Terms
Barack Obama has given US carmakers GMC & Chrysler strict deadlines to restructure before getting more aid. Cars must have seat belts, shoulder belts, air bags, automatic filler of plastic peanuts.
Pakistan Retakes Police Academy
Pakistani security forces have recaptured a police academy after eight hours of clashes with gunmen who seized the complex during a morning drill on how to handle an enemy taking over police academy.
Last Lincoln Picture?
A collector has unearthed what experts think is the last known photo of Abraham Lincoln. Blowup actually shows bullet in the air.
Tata Nana Disappears With Driver
One of India's new $2,000 Tata Nano cars that hit Hummer head on apparently rocketed into another dimension.
Fish Tripping Out
A Whole range of pharmaceuticals have been found in fish near wastewater treatment plants. Some catfish are now calling themselves, "Rainbow Trout" "Moondog Mudcat".
New Three Stooges Movie
Hollywood has announced that a new three stooges movie is scheduled to come out this summer, but characters may be changed for the modern nucklur age.
Lights Out For Whatever
Lights were turned off across the globe for one hour this past weekend to signify something or other. Most people, like me, are still in the dark as far as to why it was done.
P.O. May Reissue '60's Stamps
Postmaster General warns congress post office is running out of funds. Asks permission to bring back Disney stamps with LSD on reverse side from 1960's, charge $2.00 per stamp.
Just when you thought things couldn't get any worse...
Agadoo is to be re-released.
Forecasts suggest this still may not the worst that's to come, as predictions suggest Sir Cliff will have another record out at around December.
Website for missing government expenses claims to be investigated
A website asking for a donation to fraudulent government expenses is to be investigated by police. The public have been warned not to send any money because the government already have plenty.
Nationwide to merge with Dunfermline
Nationwide say they hope the deal will make them the 'Lloyds Banking Group of Building Societies'.
'Tunnel' links London to New York
When an American tested the new tunnel link to London, he asks; "where are you from?" The reply came; "I'm from Bangladesh." That's not far from London in global village terms!
The Very Appropriate Portrait of Dick Cheney
French food artist Pierre Bistro has created an 8 foot by 10 foot portrait of Vice-President Dick Cheney using nothing but slices of baloney.
The 'One Of Each' Twins
Oprah Winfrey has stated that she plans on gaining 90 more pounds so that she can co-star with Kirstie Alley in MGM's The Black & White Twins of Cucamonga.
Bill Clinton's Oral Book
The rights to Bill Clinton's book on oral sex titled, It All Depends On What Your Definition Of 'Is' Is? have just been purchased for $6.9 million by The Lips of Love Publishing Company.
The Downsizing Caterpillar
The Caterpillar Big Machinery Company in an effort to adjust to the economic crisis will be downsizing by dropping one of its 'L's' and becoming The Caterpilar Big Machinery Company.
The New 7 Foot 11 Nugget
The Denver Nuggets have just drafted 7 foot 11 Kelvin Penfold. The team is busily trying to find him some size 29 basketball shoes and an appropriate cup.
KFC's Chickeny Deal
KFC in an effort to help those who otherwise may not be able to afford their chicken is offering its 'Chicken Wings Which May Contain Some Feathers' deal for only 77 cents.
The Ex-Mr. Amy Winehouse
Blake Fielder-Civil, ex-husband of Amy Winehouse is writing a book on his marriage to A.W. The book is entitled, What The Hell Was I Thinking? Was I Drunk, On Drugs, Or Just Plain Stupid?
General Motor's Charming Charmin Decision
General Motors in an effort to cut down on expenses plans to remove the toilet paper from all of its factory restrooms.
NO ONE Expected This
Spanish Court begins Inquiry into former U.S. Officials' war crimes. Tomas de Torquemada summons Rumsfeld, Cheney and Alberto Gonzales to Madrid.
EPA Warning On Greenhouse Gases
EPA declares Greenhouse gases "Significant health risk for anyone trapped on an elevator with Harley "Bubblebutt Greenhouse!"
Inflation Up Among Men
Inflation up nearly 50% as more and more American men can't afford real wives, turn to Suzy Squeezums!
Not Judged On Race But Treason
In a country long divided by race, Barack Obama argues that Americans generally have been colorblind in judging him, the Kenyan Benedict Arnold.
Geithner: Only Took 8 Weeks To Bankrupt Nation
Treasury Secretary Geithner: We've done a lot in 8 weeks. Plan to go another 10 trillion dollars in debt by July first.
Taxes Increased On (Place Subject Here)
However they satisfy their nicotine cravings, tobacco users are facing a big hit as the single largest federal tobacco tax increase ever takes effect Wednesday. Most plan to turn to home grown stuff.
Soldier Guilty Of Killing Iraqis
US soldier found guilty in killing of 4 Iraqis in 2007. Also, World War II veteran convicted of killing a German soldier in 1944.
Obama Appoints Puppet
General Motors CEO Wagoner forced out as part of government plan. Obama puppet appointed to take his place.
Zhivago Scores, Dies
Maurice Jarre, composer of "Zhivago" scores, dies. I'm sorry, Maurice Jarre, composer of "Zhivago score" dies.
Fargo A Happening Place
Flooding in Fargo eases but winter storm moves in. Also, two crazed gunmen on the loose being pursued by very pregnant sheriff!
Perfect Running Pace Revealed
Perfect running pace revealed: Try to stay at least ten feet ahead of your attacker with the knife.
Stupid Game's Getting Fuzzier By The Hour
Video games with lots of action, such as the shoot-'em-up variety, can improve your vision, the video industry finds. Especially after having to get glasses after ten hour gaming sessions.
Pakistan Situation Clearing
Pakistan army nabs gunmen who attacked police who had earlier in the day attacked Pakistan army trying to nab gunmen who had attacked police.
Really Cleans You Out
Cholesterol drug cuts vein clot risk by 40 percent. Applied to bowels, cuts "spackle on large intestine walls" by 75 percent. Removes people in house after someone taking it craps, 100%.
Viability Questioned
White House questions viability of GM, Chrysler. U.S. population questions viability of congress, senate.
FBI on Hunt for Spoof Writer
FBI is looking for few dozen spoof writer, whom they blame to be responsible for hiding Osama Bin Laden under the carpet in White House
GM Chairman to be New US president
After bankrupting Obama, GM chairman is be appointed the next US president, vowing to make US economy more struggling in near future.
Obama goes Bankrupt
Obama has declared that he has become bankrupt after after buying large number of stock from US Automobile company. He was hoping that US govt would rescue this industry.
Bush Criticizes Media As Only He Can
Former United States President George W. Bush says that while he was in office, media reports on suicide-bombings were highly overblown!
Chemical Ali's Last Request
Iraqi criminal "Chemical Ali", scheduled to be executed, has asked permission for his ashes to be buried at Yucca Mountain.
California Imposes More Taxes
The state of California has once again raised the taxes charged on the cost of cigarettes. Now they're ready to draft beer tax.
Obama Questioners Last Week Were His Own Backers
Most of last weeks Obama town hall questioners were his own campaign backers according to the Washington Post. Editor says they became suspicious when Obama gave answers twice to previous questions.
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