Spoof news snippets from Friday 27 March 2009
McDonalds are the new Eco Warriors
McDonalds have taken the step of making their brown carrier bags green in colour so they blend in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows.
US Has 25% Prisoners
The United States now has 25% of the world's prisoners. Will begin secret conference with Australia the first week in May.
Jack Back
Dr. Jack "The Dripper" Kevorkian declares death sentence carried out by injection of criminals a cruel and unusual punishment.
Obama Makes Start On Global Warming
President Obama says "NOW is the time to take on the global warming issue", while wearing tinfoil hat.
Near Death Experience
Boogertown man that had near-death experience can't get undertaker's grin off his face.
Should Have Been On Stun
Laser mix-up leads to CEO losing his head during Power Point Presentation at New Jersey office meeting.
"Bring Your Drugs To Work Day"
New York City's "Bring Your Drugs To Work Day" turns out well as police sting brings in over 100 dopers.
Jade goody cure for overdose.
Keep a copy of Jade Goodys obituary in your medicine cabinet at home. It can be used to induce vomiting if toxic substances have accidentally been swallowed.
Jim Davidson wins award
The Comedians' Union have award their National Treasure award to Jim Davidson this year. He accepted it graciously, saying he was proud to be a Comedians' Union National Treasure.
Filth Offenders Quit.
Kim and Aggie are quiting their show 'How disgusting is your house'. A source close to the Hygenic Harpies quote them saying 'We are sick of sniffing man juice on dirty sheets'
Cronkite Saving Ship?
Former CBS anchorman Walter Cronkite is helping preserve a historic ship that is rusting away on Philly's waterfront. "I know what it's like having barnacles on your ass", stated crusty old TV anchor.
Aussie D'Arcy Escapes
Australian swimmer D'Arcy escapes jail for assault. "They should have known better than to jail him here by the river", states jailer.
Diggs, Briem Join "Dead Of Night"
Taye Diggs and Anita Briem have joined the cast of the indie horror film "Dead of Night," currently filming in New Orleans, replacing two others who were found with their brains missing.
Madonna In Trouble With Malawi
Madonna's bid to adopt a second Malawian child, a baby girl called Mercy James, will be examined by a court in the southern African country next week. Mercy James in Malawi means "Buttface Shithead".
Former PM AC/DC Fan
Ousted Czech Prime Minister Mirek Topolanek says he was inspired by the rock group AC/DC when he mocked U.S. President Barack Obama's economic stimulus plans, a "road to hell. Now Studying Pink Floyd.
Competitive Eating
The winners of the 2009 Marie Callender's Competitive Eating Contest were: Men's Division - Rush Limbaugh, Women's Division - Wynonna Judd.
Osama Bin Laden's "March Madness"
Taking a cue from the NCAA Basketball Tournament's "March Madness," Osama Bin Laden says that he has implimented his own "March Madness" which he says will consist of destroying basketballs.
Wild Geese Given OK
Wild geese given OK to fly again in New York after head goose has determined it is now safe.
Another Elvis Spotting
Another sighting of Elvis has been reported, this time in Alabama with Truman Capote and Harper Lee. All three were dead.
CEO's: Here We Go Again
CEO's of Big Three automaker CEO's may be hauled before congressional panel again to be asked same questions so panel can appear self-righteous once again as approval rate at 4% (plus or minus 4%).
1909 Time Capsule Opened
Dug up Time Capsule from 1909 which had a giant spring snake fly out when opened now believed to have been a near-by college prank. Three taken to hospital over shock.
Woman's Prison Riot
Drudge Report says their video of "Woman's Prison Riot" still number one video requested on it's news page, 18 months later.
Bush's New Book
Former President George W. Bush now admits that holding hands with Saudi oil sheik went a little bit further.
New Global Currency?
A U.N. panel is now touting a new global currency after its meeting on Thursday. So far the leading name for the currency is "The Plugged Nickel".
Modeling Over Peace Prize
A new poll found that 25 percent of people would rather win "America's Next Top Model" than a Nobel Peace Prize. 50% asked "What's a Nobel Peace Prize?"
Obama: Biden Who?
President Obama gave an online town hall meeting night before last. When asked about Joe Biden, had puzzled look on his face. "Oh, you mean the VP? He's in Cheney's old Undisclosed Location..I think."
UK exams regulator Ofqual has blamed exam boards after finding Science GCSE standards have fallen
They said that if the exam boards are not part of the solution, then they are part of the precipitate.
Obama Meets Bank CEO's
President Obama to meet privately with bank CEO's. See if they're all packed to assist new troops in Afghanistan.
U.S. Government -Ran Into Ground
PELOSI: Health-Care Bill in House Will Include Government-Run Option! "Since we've done such a good job of running Freddie Mac, Gennie Mae. U.S. Postal Services, Medicare, Social Security, etc."
Sudan Blames Israel
A senior Sudanese official says his country believes Israel was behind airstrikes on its soil last month. Also, thinks Israel behind a local cow dying, milk not churning into butter.
Explaining Those Turn Signals
At a meeting of the AARP reps in Iowa, older drivers admit that leaving their left turn signal on is their way of "Flipping Everybody The Bird"!
"Point Of Honor, Sir"
There's an old joke in S. Carolina: Jefferson Davis may have surrendered at the Burt-Stark mansion in Abbeville, S.C., in 1865, but the people of S.C. never did. Is the South ready to rise again?
"Paranoiance Strikes Deep"
Top Irish republican charged with killing soldiers. Democrats in U.S. congress say Republicans there are giving them a "Funny Look".
Consumer Spending Up
U.S. consumer spending rose for second straight month in February, while incomes reversed the previous month's gain. Most building fallout shelters, purchasing weapons, stocking food, water supplies.
Vegas, Mafia Need Bailouts
Las Vegas project considers bankruptcy: report that casinos, local mafia organizations may need bailouts.
Obama's International, Personal Goals
President Barack Obama to boost forces in Afghanistan, to set benchmarks, clean up skid marks.
Hillary's Flip Flop
A very shaken Secretary of State Hillary Clinton says she's taken a completely difference on the banana peel situation.
Elton John to separate from wife David Furnish
"David is a pain in the ass" said Elton
The BBC plans to move 'Casualty' to Wales
With BBC plans to move the popular hospital drama 'Casualty' from Bristol to Cardiff means that the storylines will contain many more sheep related injuries.
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