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Rating:

Correction:

In a recent article, when we stated 'Chris Moyles is Will Young's poof' we were of course intending to refer to 'Chris Moyles's Will Young Spoof'.

written by Roy Turse, 23 March 2009
Rating:

British Government announces new IT project

A database containing details of all the illegally held data that the government holds on computer will be created to monitor the problem

written by Roy Turse, 23 March 2009
Rating:

Gazza checks in with his doctor

Paul Gascoigne has gone for a full checkup after one newspaper refered to him as 'the people's prince'

written by Roy Turse, 23 March 2009
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The US has announced a plan to buy up $1trillion of toxic assets

The UK has agreed to bury the lot in a landfill waste site near Peterborough.

written by Roy Turse, 23 March 2009
Rating:

Couple's Sex Life A Blowout

Boogertown couple both hospitalized after George Wilson overpumps penis, applies ring and base and explodes into wife, Mary Kaye.

written by Bureau, 23 March 2009
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Bush Identity Thief Caught

Man who stole former president George Bush' identity arrested after giving himself away by saying something witty.

written by Bureau, 23 March 2009
Rating:

Investors Still Madoff Mad

Investors say Bernie Madoff should be water boarded to see what he knows about missing millions and then burned at the stake as a warlock.

written by Bureau, 23 March 2009
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Poor Richard's List

The nest issue of Poor Richard's Almanac will feature the 1,000 poorest people in the world.

written by Bureau, 23 March 2009
Rating:

Moneysaving Advice

Government offers free booklets on helping those who snort cocaine to switch to less-costly paint thinner & model glue. Also discourages those smuggling drugs in to U.S. if everyone switches.

written by Bureau, 23 March 2009
Rating:

Frosty The Snowman's Daughter

Frosty The Snowman's daughter Chilly has been described by her closest friends as being somewhat of a cold individual.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 23 March 2009
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Calimity Jane's Bra

The Cowgirl Hall of Fame in Hereford, Texas has reported that someone has stolen the bronzed bra of Calamity Jane. The curator asks that it be returned no questions asked...well maybe just two.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 23 March 2009
Rating:

Penny Marshall's Texas Ranch

Penny Marshall, of the TV sit-com series "Laverne and Shirley" purchased a 300 acre ranch in Texas. She named it, "The 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, Schlmiel, Schlemasel, Hassenpfeffer Incorporated Ranch."

written by Abel Rodriguez, 23 March 2009
Rating:

Meeting The Press For 61 Years

The American television show, "Meet The Press" is the longest running TV show in history. The show began in 1947, a total of 61 years. Fox plans to release its version to be titled, "Press The Meat."

written by Abel Rodriguez, 23 March 2009
Rating:

Bea Arthur - The First Lady

After years of denial, actress Bea Arthur, has finally admitted that she was in fact President Chester Arthur's first wife.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 23 March 2009
Rating:

Town Loses Only Newspaper

What happens when a town loses its only weekly newspaper? Customers in Bear Wallow, Kentucky, say they'll just call up Alice Flener, town gossip. Use corncobs once again.

written by Bureau, 23 March 2009
Rating:

Robin Willianms OK

Robin Williams is recovering at the Cleveland Clinic after heart surgery that his doctors deemed successful, his publicists said. "He's already visiting other patients, doing Patch Adams routine."

written by Bureau, 23 March 2009
Rating:

Existing Home Sales Climb

February existing home sales rise by 5.1 percent according to latest figures. However, non-existing homes are just not moving at all.

written by Bureau, 23 March 2009
Rating:

Google wants to get closer.

Following Google's venture into 'Up Your Street', they want to get even closer. The new version will be called "Up Your Nose". They may even make a version for the gay community called "Up Yours!"

written by norma snockers, 23 March 2009
Rating:

In Cold Blood, The Musical

Truman Capote's classic "In Cold Blood" to be turned into high stepping, tail shaking Broadway musical!

written by Bureau, 23 March 2009
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Brotherly Love

Boogertown man says he is going to raise his dead brother's marijuana plants as if they were his own.

written by Bureau, 23 March 2009
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CK Lobbyists Under Scrutiny

Calvin Klein lobbyists accused of offering models as escorts in return for congressional money to build modeling runway to nowhere.

written by Bureau, 23 March 2009
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Obama Seeking Credit, Advice

Obama administration seeks to free frozen credit markets, Walt Disney's frozen head, after four straight cartoon presidents.

written by Bureau, 23 March 2009
Rating:

Well Done Wall Street, Take A Fork &Turn Us Over

Study: Wall Street paid out over $18.4 billion in bonuses in 2008 for employee's working hard so that it's customers would lose only 40% of their money.

written by Bureau, 23 March 2009
Rating:

Obese Less Likely To Commit Suicide

A new study reveals that obese people are less prone to commit suicide. For one thing, their ropes keep breaking and the chair bottoms cave in.

written by Bureau, 23 March 2009
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Wright's Stock Climbs Again

Stocks of Jeremiah Wright's American Home Roosted Chickens goes up another ten percent today.

written by Bureau, 23 March 2009
Rating:

Sesame Street Layoff!

There was a big layoff of Sesame Street workers over the weekend. If you tuned in today, you probably have already discovered that Miss Piggy, Kermit, Bert and Ernie and Oscar all have the same voice.

written by Bureau, 23 March 2009
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That's Good To Know

A leading expert in the study of global warming says the ocean will not rise during the next one hundred years. However, the earth will sink at least six inches.

written by Bureau, 23 March 2009
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Space Station Moved Again

The space station was once again in danger from debris and had to move slightly to avoid the remains of D.B. Cooper.

written by Bureau, 23 March 2009
Rating:

Public Not Happy

Most big cities are reporting that more people than ever are using public transportation. Also, they warn that if you drive a Hummer, you should stay at least 100 feet away from those riding them.

written by Bureau, 23 March 2009
Rating:

Goody, Goody, Gone!

Jade Goody dies and successfully ruins Mothers Day for thousands of sad fans. Her mother however said 'She always did forget Mothers Day, at least she has a good excuse this year'

written by QuakAtak, 23 March 2009
Rating:

The Real Gov. Sarah "Snowflake" Palin

Gov. Sarah Palin has upset a lot of Alaskans because she rejected a $170 million federal stimulus package for her state. Palin said, "It did not include one penny for moose blinds or hunting bullets."

written by Abel Rodriguez, 23 March 2009
Rating:

Indiana Jones To Marry Illinois Flockhart (Ally McBeal)

Harrison Ford has finally asked long time girlfriend Calista Flockhart to marry him. She said yes. No word as yet as to when the 98-year-old Ford and the 28-year-old Flockhart will exchange vows

written by Abel Rodriguez, 23 March 2009
Rating:

The Old & The Young Wedding

Bruce Willis, 54, weds Emma Hemming, 32. Present at the wedding were Demi Moore, 46, and boy-husband Ashton Kutcher, 31. Also on hand were Madonna, 50, and her new boyfriend Timmy, 14.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 23 March 2009
Rating:

ConBoy George Receives Another Honor

Boy George who is presently incarcerated at The Petula Clark Prison For Blokes in London, has just been unanimously voted "The Inmate With The Prettiest Lips."

written by Abel Rodriguez, 23 March 2009
Rating:

Steve "Mr. Big Macs" Wozniak

"Dancing With The Stars" contestant Steve Wozniak, who is the co-founder of Apple, Inc. has denied that he is taking anabolic steroids.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 23 March 2009
Rating:

LeAnn Rimes' Explains "It"

LeAnn Rimes, aka "The Cheatin' Country Crooner" says that Eddie was kissing her on the mouth and that she was not kissing him on the mouth. Okay.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 23 March 2009
Rating:

America's "Top Gossip Queen" Fired

America's undisputed "Gossip Queen" Liz Smith has been fired by The New York Post. The 86-year-old Smith worked at the Post for 80 years. She started at the age of 6, working as a trash can emptier.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 23 March 2009
Rating:

Dalai Lama Denied Visa

S. Africa has denied the Dalai Lama a visa to meet here because his visit would distract attention from country's hosting the 2010 World Cup, a spokesman said. "Old Loud Mouth would ruin everything."

written by Bureau, 23 March 2009
Rating:

Michelle Obama Digs Up The Past

While she was digging her garden at the White House, Michelle Obama has found former Vice President Cheney's Spider Hole, Bill Clinton's old escape tunnel and seven of J. Edgar Hoover's old dresses.

written by Bureau, 23 March 2009
Rating:

Not A Good Sign

Experts warn that falling sales, lay-off of workers and Michelle Obama planting a vegetable garden at the White House definitely not a good sign for the future.

written by Bureau, 23 March 2009
Rating:

Senator Dodd's Memory Clears

Sen. Dodd, after first denying it, recalls that he's the one who eliminated the provision in the stimulus package that outlawed excessive bonuses & they donated nearly $300 million to his re-election.

written by Bureau, 23 March 2009
Rating:

News Shows Ratings Climb

Big news year boosts '60 Minutes', evening news audience. Millions tune in daily to see if they are now broke.

written by Bureau, 23 March 2009
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Bird Populations Down

Report: Energy production choking bird populations as windmill blades are filled with bird feathers.

written by Bureau, 23 March 2009
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North Dakota Asks For Help

North Dakota officials plea for volunteers as flood sets in. Meanwhile Al Gore sits on his sorry ass and pontificates.

written by Bureau, 23 March 2009
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"Wanted" Sudan Leader Visits Eritea

Sudan leader visits Eritrea despite arrest warrant. Thus far, 97 people have died trying to serve the warrant

written by Bureau, 23 March 2009
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NATO: Taliban Leader Killed

NATO reports that a Taliban commander was among 10 killed in yesterday's strike. Number 2 while squatting in a cave.

written by Bureau, 23 March 2009
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Obama: Can't Govern Out Of Anger

President Obama says he cannot "govern out of anger" just because of public outrage over bonuses paid at financial institutions kept afloat by taxpayer dollars or 15 of my nominees never paid taxes.

written by Bureau, 23 March 2009
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Napoleons Ruling Nursing Homes

The mentally ill even more of a threat in nursing homes than recent report suggested, as three Napoleons take over homes in New York and New Jersey over the weekend.

written by Bureau, 23 March 2009
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Topless For Jobless

More women needing cash go from jobless to topless as jobs offered at topless bars. Some sitting on NYC sidewalks cupless with cups as old-time beggers complain they're losing trade.

written by Bureau, 23 March 2009
Rating:

Obama Bails Out Bank Toxic Assets

The Obama administration says it's new bank rescue initiative will generate $500 billion in purchasing power to buy up toxic assets, esp. those that invested in Skull Valley, Utah, toxic waste dump.

written by Bureau, 23 March 2009
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Scientists Doubt Redoubt Eruptions

Alaska's Mount Redoubt volcano erupted four times overnight, sending an ash plume more than 9 miles high into the air, but scientist still doubt that it will erupt again.

written by Bureau, 23 March 2009
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Jade Goody Visits TheSpoof.com

"What's all this, then?" she asked. "'Jade Goody to Wed Elephant Man's Remains?' 'Marilyn Manson Offers $20,000 to Sniff Jade Goody's Panties?' Come on, don't you people have anything better to do?"

written by The San Francisco Onion, 23 March 2009
Rating:

Man Gets Parking Ticket on Google Maps

Jay Walker had just dropped down to street level and started exploring a neighborhood when he was called away. Leaving hastily, he returned nearly 4 hours later to find a parking ticket on his desk.

written by The San Francisco Onion, 23 March 2009
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45 Year Birth Rate Increase

Forty-five year high in United States birth rate credited largely to the Osmonds reunion on Oprah!

written by Bureau, 23 March 2009
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Insurance Company Asks For Help

Major insurance company has asked doctors to help them cancel coverage for some patients, but only those dying of some terrible disease.

written by Bureau, 23 March 2009
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Limbaugh Pronounces Judgement

Rush Limbaugh saying he'd rather vote for Karl Marx than McCain leaves his Dittoheads scratching their dittos.

written by Bureau, 23 March 2009
Rating:

Congress Wrestling With Crisis

Congress wrestles with Constitutional Crisis in public showdown. Finally agrees that writing a program for wrestlers to follow, constitutional.

written by Bureau, 23 March 2009
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Viagra Side Effect

A new Food & Drug Administration warning released early this morning says that Viagra in the bloodstream could lead to hardening of the arteries.

written by Bureau, 23 March 2009
Rating:

Egged On By Crowd

New York City weatherman who tried to fry an egg on the sidewalk this weekend arrested for being drunk, assaulting officers with eggs.

written by Bureau, 23 March 2009
Rating:

Obese Student Sues Roommate

An obese student at Berkeley sues college roommate for constantly gobbling down munchies after breathing second-hand marijuana smoke.

written by Bureau, 23 March 2009
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New Event Planned For Brit Olympics

British Olympic official say they plan to introduce dwarf bowling to the next Olympics there.

written by Bureau, 23 March 2009
Rating:

Counterfeited Confederate bills

Fake civil war re-enactors admit to counterfeiting confederate bills, sent to Fort McHenry in Baltimore, Md.

written by Bureau, 23 March 2009
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Bison Strike Back

Park rangers at Yellowstone Park now say bison started landslide that killed three snowmobilers this winter.

written by Bureau, 23 March 2009
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