Spoof news snippets from Tuesday 17 March 2009
No One Raising Eyebrows
No one in congress even raising eyebrows of President Obama changing longtime U.S. policies overnight. No one can because of all the botox.
Red Light District May Close
Amsterdam may have to close it's Red Light District due to world's poor economy. Either that or move farther away from three close colleges that mostly party.
Alcohol, Alcohol Price Hits Bums Hard
The price of wine increasing at a fast clip has led to a major Ripple effect in the sale of alcohol.
Fish trap found on Google Earth
A Fish trap, believed to be over 1,000 yrs old has been discovered by Google. Prof. Taffy Apple of Pembroke said: "it obviously didn't work because not one fish has been caught in all this time."
The Former A & W Root Beer
A & W Root Beer after 90 years in business has decided that they will be changing the name to W & A Root Beer. When asked why the descendants of Mr. Wright said that it was only "Wright."
NATO Has Rules
The North Atlantic Treaty Organization (NATO) which consists of The United States, The United Kingdom, Canada, Iceland, France, and others has denied Cambodia's request to join for obvious reasons.
The Chris Brown Drug Test Results
USA Today has reported that Chris Brown's recent drug test results have just been released. And the results show that Brown tested positive for luckyness.
Barbara Walters - Old Or Just Old
Barbara Walter's of "The View" has once again denied rumors that she is the oldest woman living in New England.
A B Coming Change
In a move to honor our new president, the military voice transmission designated by letters will be changing the letter B's use of the word Bravo to Barack.
Politics is a shady business!
The Tories have created a fictional Shadow Minister for Cornwall. They hope to win the Turner prize for fiction this year.
Dell's new' fashion statement'!
The new Dell Adamo laptop is the world's thinnest of its kind. It is the new 'fashion statement' of the cyber world - A size zero model is due to be launched at the end of the month by Kate Moss.
Worms... On a nudist beach!
Evidence of what were thought to be prehistoric worms, found on a naturist beach in Devon have now been found to be Neolithic condoms.
Giant sea monster could crush Hummer!
A giant fossil sea monster found in the Arctic had a bite that would have been able to crush a 4x4 car, according to its discoverers. They also reveal that Hummers were extinct at that time.
Fritzl claims are untrue!
Josef Fritzl, claims that he invented the social networking site 'Facebook'. He might have a point!
University entry-level is okay!
Cambridge University has announced an A*AA entry-level for next year's entrants. This is great news for us small batteries!
"Resign Or Commit Suicide"
Sen. Charles Grassley is standing by his earlier comments suggesting some embattled AIG executives should "resign or commit suicide." Many Americans say that congress should set the example.
Americans Losing Religion
More people in the United States say that they have no religion are now being sent to foxholes to contemplate the future.
Caterpillar Profits At A Crawl
Caterpillar to lay off 2,454 workers in three states, leaves butterflies in many of their worker's stomachs.
Dyslexics Celebrate
Thousands of dyslexic Irish people today celebrate Saint Partick's Day, drinking bere, dressing up in groon, and doing an Irish jog.
England Shit At Cricket
It has been confirmed that England are shit at cricket. Apart from the women's team, who are really quite good. They may even win the world cup. And they are prettier than Paul Collingwood
Pope Tells Spoof Writers "You're All Damned!"
The Pope announced today that some people go to heaven and become stars in the sky when they die, but ALL spoof writers are damned and will be going straight to hell. Oh shit! Would a "sorry" help?
The Icelandic Meltdown
Scientists in Iceland predict that if the Global Warming trend is not stopped, that within five years, Iceland will have to change its name to Icecubeland.
Michelle Obama - The Dedicated "First Mama"
President Obama in a St. Patrick's Day celebration praises the wonderful U.S/Irish ties. He remarks that he has to give all the credit to Michelle, who picks out all of his ties for him.
Dick, Rush, Stan, & Ollie
Reports out of Hollywood state that Dick Cheney and Rush Limbaugh are being considered to play Stan Laurel and Oliver Hardy in a remake of the movie, Laurel and Hardy - The Stupid Years.
Man Attached To Ring Binder Appears In Court
In Austria today the 'Lever Arch Villain' appeared in court, charged with numerous stationary crimes. His victims are still too traumatised to visit WH Smiths.
Obama's Irish Root
Research before St. Patrick's Day shows that President Obama is 3.3% Irish through his mother's ancestors. "Yeah, just my luck where the three percent showed up", stated First Lady, Michelle.
The Dancin' Bush Twins
The Bush twins, Barbara and Jenna have signed to appear on next year's "Dancing With The Stars." Producers of the show reveal that the two Bush daughters will be dancing with each other.
So Is It Rush Rickles or Don Limbaugh?
USA Today has stated that Don Rickles and Rush Limbaugh are biological brothers. The paper goes on to prove its claim by saying, both are male, fat, bald, and they never stop talking.
Moore, Moore, and Still Moore
Demi Moore, Julianne Moore, and Roger Moore have just formed a production company. The company's name is 3 Moore Productions.
Britney's and Jessica's Little Sisters
Britney Spears' little sister Jamie Lynn to portray Jessica Simpson's little sister Ashlee in Paramount's "The Sisterhood of The Traveling Lip Syncers."
Six Degrees of Levi Johnston
Sarah Palin says the reason that her un-future son-in-law dumped her daughter Bristol is because he has fallen for Madonna who dumped A-Rod, who dumped his wife, who dumped tons of money in the bank.
The Washington Post... Digest?
The Washington Post announces it's dropping the business section. It is also cutting its comics, crossword puzzles, and TV listings. The publisher did state however, that the price will not be cut.
Dick "The Dick" Cheney Yaps Again
Ex-Vice President Dick Cheney says for the American people not to blame the "Bush Team" for the enonomic crisis. Hmmm, that's kinda like saying don't blame the iceberg for the sinking of the Titanic.
Pope Rejects Condom Use
Pope rejects condom use in Africa! "No pope in history has ever used a condom and I'm not about to change that tradition!" stated Pope Benedict XVI.
China Blames Importers
China has proposed that importers of Chinese-made goods should be responsible for the carbon dioxide emitted during their manufacture, saying lead-coated products especially have ruined their air.
U.S. Construction Up A Quarter
The construction of new homes in the US soared by almost a quarter in February compared with the previous month, uh, January, official figures show. Twenty-five cents isn't much but it's a start.
Russia To Rearm
Russian President Medvedev has said Moscow will begin a comprehensive military rearmament from 2011. "We will begin, of course, by blaming the Jews for our military getting behind in the first place."
Arab League All Set
The Arab League says the group will not agree to request by the International Criminal Court to arrest Sudan's president on charges of war crimes. Favorites this baseball season are the Saudi Slicks.
Given A Big Welcome
The Shuttle Discovery and some 10,000 pieces of two destroyed satellites said to be closing in on space station today.
Obama, Irish Discuss Peace
President Barack Obama is meeting on St. Patrick's Day with Irish political leaders to discuss peace around the world, and if there's one group to teach Obama about peace, it's the Irish.
Ex-1970 Radical May Be Released From Prison
An Ex-1970s radical is set to be freed from prison. A Mr. Charles Manson promises no more mass murders. "Just asking for some addresses and harmless stationary", stated one prison official.
Airline's Missing Luggage Sold?
Airlines worldwide that failed to recover more than one million bags in 2007 after mishandling a record 42 million, a British consumer watchdog said Tuesday, also are being linked to huge yard sales.
Pope Brings Secret Sin Decoder Rings
Pope Benedict XVI said Tuesday that the distribution of condoms is not the answer in the fight against AIDS in Africa. Offers to name 8-12 year olds, "Little Pope Juniors", to learn to say NO!
Border Patrol Finds Big Spiders
German customs officials inspecting a car got a shock when they discovered 164 large spiders in a Swiss car, an official said Monday. "It's a good thing we had that spider-sniffing dog."
Might Find Work Here
A United States firm will be closing their How To Open Letters Containing Anthrax branch soon due to a lack of employees.
Giant Sea Fossil Discovered
A giant fossil sea monster found Monday, known as "Predator X", had a bite that would make a T-Rex look feeble, scientists say. "It's a good thing fossils can't bite", added one marine biologist.
Sometimes It's Quite Sudden
A new test can accurately detect Alzheimer's disease in its earliest stages, before dementia symptoms surface and rabbits widespread damage occurs in the cabbage patch, a U.S. researcher said Monday.
Blame Ourselves
Nokia to cut 1,700 jobs in sinking phone market. "We should have given it a better name than "Sinking Phone", states board chairman. "She Wants You To Come Over Sometimes" would have been better."
Big Fat Idiot Rash Limbow has flesh eating disease
He had to check in to our Lady of the Diet Spriet to get his system purged of his own flesh. He is keeping the other patients up late telling them that he hopes they fail.
Kerry Katona: Divorce Off
Former Atomic Kitten and Iceland store ambassador Kerry Katona is no longer getting divorced. She will remain married until she stops appearing in the newspapers.
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