Spoof news snippets from Friday 5 June 2009
Wins Bet, Loses Freedom
A NYC man who threatened to kill Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor and said he wanted to kill President Barack Obama has been arraigned on charges of making a terroristic threat, but wins bar bet.
She's Lying Like A Dog
The last person living in Turkey Twat, Tennessee has died. So, if your date states that she won't be able to go out because she needs to go visit her sick uncle Elmer in Turkey Twat, Tn., she's lying!
KFC Warns Against Finger Licking
Because of the fear that the Swine flu may come back this fall, Kentucky Fried Chicken has asked it's customers NOT to lick their fingers after September 1st.
Michelle Obama's Surprise Visit
Michelle Obama surprises a lot of people by showing up at Washington Night Club and sings a few old Billie Holiday songs including "My Man's Shit Don't Stink".
"Love Me Long"
At Graceland, the number one seller is once again the Elvis Presley "Love Me Tender, Love Me Long" vibrator.
Tha Amish Shunning
In Pennsylvania, Amish wife Sarah Yoder has announced she is shunning her husband, Ichabod, after the birth of their twelfth child.
Don't Even Read This
Study reveals that most people are upset when reading some supposed bit of humor when the writer goes on and on and on and hasn't anything funny to say. And let me tell you, I'm one of those people.
Humane Society Recall
The National Humane Society has recalled all dogs they have adopted out over the past six months. Say they are a rollover threat, could play dead.
The Three Boob Jobs of Denise Richards
Denise Richards admits that she has had three boob jobs. The left one, the right one, and ex-husband Charlie Sheen.
The Rude-As-Hell Madonna Folks
Reports state that Madonna's concert employees are treating the workers of an exquisite New York Hotel extremely bad. One maid confided she actually exchanged gunfire with one of Madonna's dancers.
Two U.S. State Department Officials - Thirty Years of Spying For Cuba
A state department official and his wife have been arrested and charged with spying for Cuba. If convicted they can be executed. Fox News is negotiating for the TV rights to the execution.
Bush Family In Turnip Convoy
Obama may be the first black president but most say that the poor Bush family who came to Texas in a Turnip Convey in 1799 still the best rags to riches story.
Especially If You Have A Whopper
Burger King, "Home of the Whopper" advices everyone to drive, have sex safely over the upcoming July 4th weekend.
Cheney Over Biden
Exxon/Mobile say that VP Buckwheat 'hair-plugged' Biden not nearly as friendly as Dick 'The Oil Slick' Cheney!
New Liquid Tar
Is this the end of the pothole? Machine which sprays holes with liquid tar in seconds could be answer for Britain's roads. Authorities at Gitmo also showing interest.
Investigators Red-Faced
Debris found in Atlantic is NOT from Air France jet say red-faced investigators after fishing in old shoe, cans, dead octopus and two dozen used condoms.
Father Faces Jail
Father faces jail for towing son, six, on sledge behind 4x4 for 'once-in-a-lifetime' experience. Expected to be put in crowded cell for 'once in a lifetime experience'!
The Alan Sugar Peerage
Brown condemned for giving 'bully' Sir Alan Sugar a peerage and enterprise job. "He said he'd beat me up", claims PM.
Flint Quits, Throws Fits
A woman scorned: Flint quits, accusing Brown of running a two-tier government and using women as 'window dressing', bottom tier!
Dinosaur Bones Identified
Scientists find more dinosaur bones at Utah quarry. Barney tearfully identifies his Uncle Rex, Aunt Bronte.
American, German Vets Celebrate D-Day
American, German vets pay respects to D-Day fallen by firing a few shots over each other's heads, which brought tears to everyone there.
NYC The Safest
NYC tops FBI list of safest U.S. cities, as long as one stays in his/her room using all six locks.
Berlusconi "Nothing To Fear"
Italy's scandal-plagued PM Berlusconi angrily insisted on Friday that he had nothing to fear after the publication of photos showing topless women and a naked man sunbathing at his island villa bed.
Brown Defies Calls
Brown defies calls to step down as British PM, now coming in at several hundred an hour before phones unhooked.
Temps Cloud Unemployment figures
Temp work helps mask joblessness among Americans. Also most superheroes never report their night time work saving the earth.
Conservatives More Squeamish
People who squirm at the sight of bugs or are grossed out by blood and guts or a steaming pile of shit are more likely to be politically conservative, according to liberals, who study such things.
Obama Encourages Superheroes
At death camp, Obama says evil must be confronted. Calls on the world's superheroes to quit worrying about themselves and get off their lazy asses.
Gitmotors?
After General Motors bankruptcy, President may assign Gitmo detainees to empty buildings, offices.
David Carradine Dies Under Unusual Circumcision...
Chabad-Lubavitch Center in Bangkok says they weren't involved. Oye Vey! Oh wait...I think it was supposed to be 'unusual circumstances
The GOP vs. Sonia "Kiss My Ass" Sotomayor
In a move to further try and derail the Supreme Court appointment of Sonia Sotomayor, desperate GOPers will reveal that she was once a Russian spy, a KKK grand dragon, and a Salem witch.
The Robert E. Lee Prison's New Lunch Menu
The warden of The Robert E. Lee State Prison in Atlanta said he has had to reduce his food budget. Inmates will now receive a lunchmeal consisting of 3 beans, 5 grains of rice, and 1 ounce of water.
"Put Down That Cell Phone NOW!"
A high school student in Pennsylvania was tasered for refusing to put his cell phone down. Wow! What's next? A student getting shot in the foot for not eating his vegetables.
Mrs. Griffin's Mean Daughter, Kathy
Kathy Griffin remarked she'd trade her mom for a third emmy. When her mom was told of her remarks she replied, "Really? Well tell the red-headed bitch that I'll trade her for a box of Raisin Bran."
The Adventures of Linda "No Drugs" Hogan
Hulk Hogan's wife Linda passed the drug test. But She failed the "Mrs. Robinson Test" miserably
Whitney Houston's Album's "Non-Dedication"
Whitney Houston's album will be released in September. When asked if she was dedicating the album to anyone in particular, she replied, "It won't be dedicated to that punk Bobby that's for damn sure."
Will Lindsay Lohan Corrupt Britney Spears?
Britney Spears family is doing everything they can possibly do to make sure that Britney is not corrupted by Lindsay Lohan while she's in London. Wow, that's like trying to teach a skunk not to stink.
The Findings on Obesity
The World Wide Society For Health Unification has released the findings on its two year research study on obesity. They've determined that obesity is only found in overweight individuals.
Denzel Washington Says He's Too Old To Play President Obama
Denzel Washington was asked if he would like to play President Obama in a movie. He answered that he's too old to play Barack Obama, but he might be able to play his wife, First Mama, Michelle Obama.
Jennifer Lopez - The Actress Returns
Jennifer Lopez who took three years off to raise her twins stated that she was so afraid that she might have forgotten how to act. Hmmmmmmm. [FILL IN YOUR OWN THOUGHTS ABOUT THAT HERE. THANK YOU.]
Viagra Results Positive
Lawsuits against the makers of Viagra have been dropped as a federal judge rules that the drug may contribute, but does not cause, either blindness nor carpal tunnel syndrome.
Operation Desert Clone
The Pentagon may be up to no good again as it asks for fewer military volunteers but have one thousand new men that all look alike. "They're from Eastern Kentucky, West Virginia say recruiters."
Bush Interview
Former President Bush says in interview that he doesn't know much about the table of elements but personally, he always has Tabasco on his.
Iran's Response Short & Sweet!
Iran's President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad declares an official "Whoop-De-Shit" upon learning that President Obama aiming at peace between Arabs, Israelis.
Takes A Real Dog To Prom
Home-schooled student told he must attend Senior Prom with either his mother or sister as escort, decides to take his dog, Buttsniffer.
Talk About A Whopper
Man in McDonalds who ordered a "cheeseburger with everything on it to go" from the new guy on his first day at work, can't get his burger back through the door.
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