Spoof news snippets from Thursday 9 July 2009
Kristen Stewart plays Joan Jett in new movie
"When they offered this to me, I thought Joan Jett was a cartoon character, like Thomas the Tank Engine or Jefferson Starship; I never knew it was a real person."
Official: phone sex is dead!
News of the Screws phone buggery all the rage instead...
No real evidence to nail Murdock's snooping, lying ass says Yates of the Yard
Best counter-intelligence headlined of the century say MI5, CIA, Mossad, KGB, etc...
Six Million Dollar Man worth less in Recession
Recession continues to hit home as the $6 Million Dollar Man was revalued at $4 Million Dollars
Medication Marijuana A No Go
Birmingham, Alabama man arrested for using "medication marijuana" for condition after police learn "condition" was being sober.
Two Songs Inducted Into Hall Of Fame
Songs "Lola" & "Black Betty" are voted into the Can't Get The Song Out Of My Head Hall Of Fame! Special tribute given to "Achy Breaky Heart". Lifetime Achievement Award to "Row, Row, Row Your Boat".
New Reward Offered
The reward for the capturing of Osama bin Laden gets cost of living raise, to $1,112,000.
Former President Bush Accused
Hillary, Pelosi accuse former President Bush of illegally downloading music, "Fat Bottomed Girls" from Internet.
G8 Warns Environment To Shape Up
Developed and developing nations have agreed that global temperatures should not rise more than 2C above 1900 levels, a G8 summit declaration says, or it will be severely dealt with.
Could Have Been Worse
Imprisoned fraudster 71-year-old Bernard Madoff has decided not to appeal against his 150-year sentence, his lawyer has said. "I could have gotten LIFE", added Madoff.
Iran Hits Protesters
Iranian police have fired tear gas at hundreds of demonstrators who defied government warnings that any fresh attempt at protests would be "smashed". They were then smashed.
Using Recycled Paper
A rural town in Australia has voted overwhelmingly to ban the sale of bottled water over concerns about its environmental impact. Water will now be sold only in paper bags.
Everything's In Shit-Shape
Passengers on a cruise liner at the centre of a virus outbreak have said they will stay on the ship until they are promised their money back. Meanwhile toilets in terrible shape.
Remains Of The Day
Remains from dozens of bodies have been found in mass graves at an Illinois cemetery after their grave plots were illegally re-sold, police say. Mortuary says it was a timeshare deal.
Spy At G-8
Spy row erupts at G8 summit as Italians are accused of eavesdropping on secret meetings, taping secret handshakes.
MP's Face Backlash
MPs face new backlash as they prepare for twelve-week break on the French Riviera.
McCain Can Be Irritating
Cindy McCain admits that John can be irritating at times. "For instance, I'm in the dining room and I hear the garage door going crazy, so I have to go take the opener away & give him the TV remote."
Big Word Announced
Merriam-Webster Dictionary announced today that the word fat will be changed from an adjective to a noun. From Jan 1st 2010, you will be able to say with impunity, "Look, there goes a fat!"
Berlusconi eats Medvedevs wife
At the G8 meeting in L'Aquila, the Italian president Silvio Berlusconi has eaten russian president Dmitri Medvedevs wife, Svetlana.
At Least Made It To 50
Wife gives husband big box of Viagra pills, movitational tape for 50th Wedding Anniversary. Husband gives wife mirror. They separate.
Evidence That Senate Is Filibuster-Proof
More evidence is in that the Senate is now filibuster proof with the addition of Al Franken, today the Senate voted to outlaw all cigarettes except marijuana.
One for the record books
The Nashville, TN police department, after careful play by play analysis, revealed Steve McNair should have never made a pass at Sahel Kazemi.
Another blow to sanctity of marriage
Massachusetts woman decides husband being "married to his work" no longer an excuse to neglect his duties at home. His mother-in-law upholds decision.
Sotomayor Hostile Or Something
Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor's thin record on the limits of presidential power suggests she will be neither reflexively hostile to broad....you quit reading after "record" didn't you?
Quiet, please!!
CNNews study confirms night owls more productive at night, early birds more productive in morning. With all this chirping and hooting, no wonder I can't get to sleep!
Palin Writing Memoirs
Since resigning as governor, many say Sarah Palin is now going to spend some time working on her memoirs, which will include a centerfold.
31.1M Watched Jackson Memorial
Nielsen: 31.1 million watched Jackson memorial. Estimated 25.1 were fans, other 6 million glad he's dead.
Anthrax In Animal Studies
Drug gives anthrax protection in animal studies. Animals say that are ready to share their info with humans for a safety area out west and some big bucks.
Death by Chocolate
Chocolate factory worker Vincent Smith II, 29, died after falling into vat of company's product. Family of deceased to be represented by law firm M & M, Goodbar and Snickers.
Soybeans Being Overlooked?
Scientists hope tiny insect can help save soybeans as the tiny insects hold convention in Kansas City. "Save Out Soybeans" campaign ignored for a week over Jackson death, burial.
Oil's Uncertain Demand?
Oil rises above $61 despite uncertain demand. Apparently consumers haven't quite made up their minds if they want to ever gas up car again.
Next, Pepsico In The Seventh, 7-1
World markets up modestly as Alcoa beats forecasts. So if you had your bet on Alcoa in the 8th, you just tripled your money!
New Superdrunk Created
In a strange twist, an often tasered, often disorderly drunk in Omaha has somehow been turned into, The Amazing Taser Man!
Ready For Swine Flu?
The Obama administration put the states on notice Thursday: Swine flu promises to create a mess this fall as Arkansas Razorbacks cancel football season.
Dems To Tax Rich
House Democrats look at taxing the rich for health care as rich begin looking around the globe for new places to live, begin firing employees.
Jackson Memorial Cost $1.4M
Michael Jackson memorial cost LA $1.4 million as Governor Schwarzenegger sends estate the bill.
Slight Downward Trend
President Barack Obama's approval ratings have slipped according to most recent polls. At this rate, experts say he'll be as unpopular as George W. Bush in less than 40 years.
Kim Looking Trim, Dim
Kim Jong Il appearance spurs fresh health concerns but after the Fidel Castro thing, western nations are afraid to get their hopes up.
Georgia Man Pleads Guilty
Atlanta, Georgia bootlegger pleads guilty of murdering three cases of homemade beer over the big NASCAR weekend.
Obama Pushes For Climate Pact
Obama broadens push for climate change pact, including special aluminum pointy hat and seed to grow more trees.
The Wee Hours
60-year-old journalist just beginning to feel effects of prostate problem, finally understands what is meant by "the wee hours of the morning".
Dealing With Words
Opinion: Why the left misjudges GOP sex scandals. For one thing, "Hypocrite" considered even worse than "Whoremonger".
New Webster Words Announced
Frenemy, locavore, spoofaholic among new words in Webster's latest version of its dictionary. Suspiciously missing? "nucklar"
China Must Address Unrest
Strife shows ethnic tension China hopes to ignore but after leader Hu Jintao hotfooted during sleep, must now be confronted.
Aliens To Speak At UN
Man from Venus, woman from Mars to speak before the UN about all this misinformation coming out over the past five years.
CIA Misled A Bit
Six Democrats on the U.S. House Intelligence Committee said the head of the CIA admitted the agency misled Congress since 2001 about "significant actions." Real Saddam Hussein died in first bombing.
New Carbon Sheets
Imagine a carbon sheet only one atom thick but is stronger than diamond and conducts electricity 100 times faster than the silicon in computer chips that's free to everybody. Are you nuts or what?
Bottled Water Restrictions
Stricter labeling urged for bottled water as today's does not even say if it's been fermented or not.
Further Job Cuts At Chorus
Chorus are to axe more singers. The show is unlikely to go on.
Wham O Toys Recall
Wham o toys have announced that they are recalling all their children's "Little Proctologist Play Kits" because "patient" found to have lead in it's ass.
Supremes Make Ruling
The United States Supreme Court unheld Newest Math Teaching in our schools by a 7-6 decision.
Police Demand More Protection
A police organization today demanded more bullet-proof vests plus someone to invent bullet-proof shorts.
Everyday Marches In Washington This Summer
Cannibal Rights Group had a small march in Washington today, carrying banners that read, "Eat More Bigguns" that was missinterpreted by some hookers who shooed them away as business down already.
FBI Studying New Group
The FBI says that it has been keeping a close eye on a group called "The Dreamboat Veterans" after watching them following Edwards and Romney last year.
CIA Uncovers Plot
The Central Intelligence Agency say they have uncovered a plot between signing chimps and trained dolphins to overthrow several governments after making deal with Somali pirates.
Ms. Spence Outabody On Oprah Next Week
According to Ms. Spence Outabody of San Fransisco, Elvis and Michael Jackson are already into it over Lisa Marie. She'll tell about about it on Oprah next week.
Rules for Lawyers
It is now against the "rules" to be a lawyer in Texas if you are under 14 or above 98.
No Bailout Money for California
President Obama told Gov. Schwarzenegger there will be no stimulus money to pay off California's $12 billion deficit. DOE then announced a $12 billion grant to CA for alternate energy research.
OPEC Countries Appeal to G8 Members
OPEC Countries complained to G8 members that the declining price of oil is hampering their purchases of BMWs and providing weapons to terrorist groups. G8 members suggested OPEC have a bake sale!
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