Spoof news snippets from Monday 27 July 2009
Big Old Sucker!
The San Diego Chicken turned into one huge bat for the Vampire/Twilight section of weekend show.
Friendly Dolphin, Dorks Keep Woman In Water
A New Zealand swimmer got into difficulty when a friendly dolphin stopped her returning to shore. Those on shore yell, "He says, 'not until you remove that bikini!'"
"You're 40! Get Your Stuff And Go!"
A Saudi man who boasted about his sexual conquests on an Arabic TV station has tearfully apologised and asked his mother to let him move back into basement, as calls mounted for him to be punished.
Sometimes You Get A Gimme
A replacement for the old black and white stripes of the traditional bar code has been "outlined" by US researchers. I don't have to do anything here. This one's a gimme.
Some Negotiations Going Well
Top leaders of the US and China are meeting in Washington to discuss key economic & political differences, while in the next room, Hillary & North Korean diplomat are having a heated farting contest.
Cash For Hookers Begins
New government program, "Cash For Hookers" begins today so bring in that old rod and get $4500 off new one, plus a 2007 slightly used hooker.
State Turns To Federal Government
The case of the South Carolina's Governor flying to South America to visit girlfriend handed over to Foreign Affairs.
Cheesemakers Festival
Cheesemakers Festival to take place in Vermont. Come to our Montpelier as it's time to cut the cheese!
Dead Zone, Triangle Much Overblown
Gulf's 'dead zone' much smaller than predicted. Also, Burmuda Triangle mainly only effects those wearing loud short pants.
Israel Challenges Iran
Israel sends out message to Iran, "Enough talk already, it's time to go outside and put up your Nukes."
Health Care Costlier
Op-Ed: Health care status quo grows costlier daily, unlike that of gasoline, oil and groceries.
"Wonderful Night For A Moonjog"
Astronauts speed through fifth and final spacewalk by doing the first ever moon jog.
US/Russia War Of Nerves
US Vice President Biden hits nerve in Russia. "We'll hit his nerves pulling those hair plugs out of his bald head", says Medvedev.
Penn St. Top Party School
Penn St. takes top party school title in survey. Quakers the worst, approaching women with, "Nothing is better for thee, than me" line.
Japan's Lab Fixed
Spacewalkers complete Japan's laboratory complex. Now face long walk from Japan back to space station.
Like Palestine and Israel
Government Study: Government plan can coexist with private insurance as long as each has equal access to borrowing money from China.
New Florida State Motto
Florida announces a new state motto: "Come for the golf and gulf, stay for the string bikinis".
Clinton Exchanges Jibes With NKorea
Secretary of State Hillary Clinton trades jibes with North Korea. Mr. T. announces that there's too much jibber jabber going on.
Chinese Create Mice
Chinese create mice from skin cells, white rabbits from old top hats.
Iran Eliminates Opposition Party
Admininjad's opposition leader's brother-in-law arrested, along with 47 other members of the family, on suspicions of "Acting Up!"
Texas Curt Case Settled
Texas sect custody case decided as family of 27 awarded to Madonna.
Slowdown Swine Flu Vaccine
Production slow on Swine Flu vaccines, with developed nations trying to hog more than their share.
Obama To Mark Legislation
Obama to mark disabilities rights law. October the first, he plans to piss on cabinet holding information.
Park Cuts Snowmobilers To Half
Proposal would halve snowmobile limit in Yellowstone. So after you get your hunting license, you can only shoot two snowmobile operators during Winter hunting season. Any more and it's Murder One.
FEMA: Any Day Now!
"FEMA has still not came through for us, even with Obama as President", say New Orleans family living in wheelie bin.
Probably Using Up All That Gas
Tests show that the more miles a person drives, the more road rage a person has, says Professor Big Dumbass from Podunk U.
Obama Settling Dispute
Obama: Let Harvard's Professor Gates and the young police officer come over to the White House & we'll have a beer together and we'll blast his white ass good.
Chinese Panda Born From Frozen Sperm
"This not unusual really - because Polar Bears are ALWAYS born from frozen sperm." said leading naturalist Dr Stanley Onionburgh today.
Pakistan tests Long-Dong missile
A day after India launched a N-sub, Pakistan test-fired its new 'LambaTulla'missile, a variant of the N.Korean Long-Dong missile. Intelligence reports say the missile flew 2.7 km before crashing.
TheSpoof.com Is #1
TheSpoof.com came in the top spot of MammaMia's Most Hated Sites Of The Century! It even beat Perez Hilton, TMZ among others! That's an achievment.
Why Palin left Alaska
Palin resigned in hopes of replacing the Toco Bell dog, it has been revealed by sources in Alaska.
Massachusetts Health Care Plan Seen as Model for USA
MA Health care plan taxes on small businesses require some to shut down one quarter of their operations to pay the extra costs. Don't laugh; a similar plan may be on the way from the US Congress.
Height of Humans and Cancer Related
Researchers determine that every additional 2" of height increases the risk of cancer. Engineers are modifying large compression machines and drop forging equipment to alleviate this problem.
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