Spoof news snippets from Wednesday 15 July 2009
Afghan Rebels To Invade London
Claims a government spin-doctor. "We're not making it up this time, it's not a lie", said Alan Prik - special advisor to Gordon Brown. "If you don't believe it then you're one of them", he added.
Bill's Forgotten Stash Discovered
Obama girls sick after discovering old Bill Clinton stash of ten boxes of Girl Scout cookies.
School Superintendent Fired
In Firestone, Michigan, a metal detector at a high school fails to stop the intruder. School superintendent recommends small individual metal detectors on each student.
Off One Bike onto Another
A German brothel is going green to boost its business, offering customers money off if they arrive by bicycle. You get off your own bike and get on another. Make sure you're wearing bicycle clips!
Dancing Man On Hold
Man on hold on telephone really getting with it with the music he's hearing, or else he needs to go to the bathroom bad.
Americans Sick Of M.J. Stuff
Many Americans wish they could stay away from all those stupid Michael Jackson news reports, magazines, tributes, buying his CD's. "I don't know what in the world is wrong with me!" a typical remark.
Students Still Absent
Several middle school students still not back to school in Richmond, Kentucky after losing their favorite teacher, Miss Snotgrass. "Who we gonna make fun of now", asks one.
Hard To Explain
Clarksville, Tennessee man rehearsing about how he's going to discuss sex with his 11-year-old son, wife.
Keeping Up Appearances
Forty-Year-Old virgin makes sure he's seen all over small town buying condoms and filling Viagra prescriptions, storing thousands away in basement.
They'll Be More At Home There
Native American owned casino in Cherokee, North Carolina taken over by U.S. government. Cherokees offered another casino out west in North Dakota.
My One Trick To Lose Fat
My one trick to lose fat is to cut my head off. Why don't you try it too!
Many, Many Questions
40 years after moon landing, many are asking, why can't we cure cancer? Why can't we even cure the common cold? When is Larry King ever going to die?
Man Dies At The Wheel
Dad suffers heart attack as son in back seat of car pops paper bag just as the car passes a trident missile being moved on big truck.
US Economy Really Down
A bad sign that the United States economy is worse as Bill Gates, Warren Buffet appear before Bailout Committee.
CIA Switch Targets
The CIA discontinues it's search for Osama in order to keep a close eye on Obama.
Sotomayer Questions Continue
Judge Sotomayer continues to be questioned by republicans before appointed to Supreme Court, but toy company says bobble-headed dolls already being made.
Now Playing A Different Drum
Playboy Magazine buys the rights to the Energizer Bunny. Will appear in December issue between breasts of centerfold. New bunny's eyes appear bigger.
Obama Still Spending!
President Obama's programs costing 13.75 trillion dollars. "That's less than $10,000 per person on the earth", say policy defenders.
Fred Thompson May Run In 2012
Tennessee's Fred Thompson's granddaughter says he may run for presidency in 2012! Wife? Fred Thompson's wife says he may run for presidency again in 2012.
Girls Find Secret Drawer
Obama girls find secret drawer in desk at White House about how to do plastic surgery of someone to make them appear as Saddam Hussein.
Former Head Arrested
Head of Hurricane Center removed from his post last year arrested and accused of seeding clouds with own private airplane.
Pope: Others Not True Church
POPE Benedict XVI: Other Christian church denominations not "True" church as they do not have indulgences concerning alter boys.
Iran's Nuclear Bomb
Experts now believe that Iran will have an Atomic Bomb ready within six months or, what was THAT?.....never mind. Stupid experts.
Democrats Defend Nominee
Democrats defend "Wise Latina Woman" remark by reminding republicans of VP Cheney's "The only good democrat is a dead democrat" remarks.
Wise Latina Woman
GOP Senators continue to hammer 'Wise Latina' remark as new song, "Wise Latina, Do The Macarena" hits the charts!
SSA Spending Social Security Money To Party
Social Security Execs boogie down at lavish Phoenix Conference
SSA says $700,000 event was necessary to reduce stress caused by death threats. Wait till the phone rings once they get back home!
Let's Get This Straight
Nutritionists say that they did not say that red wine will make you live longer, but that your liver would be longer.
Google Confirms "Saying"
Google reports that while standing at certain flat plains in west Texas, you actually CAN see the back of your head.
Gonzales Have Alzheimers?
With the possibility of democrats looking into the Bush administration's treatment of detainees, then Attorney General, Alberto Gonzales, has said "I do not recall any lies that were told back then."
Compose and wife die in suicide pact
A composer and his wife who were both terminally ill went to a suicide clinic in Switzerland to die together. They are now both decomposing together.
Michael Jackson Was Murdered!
Latoya Jackson, and her father, Joe Jackson, think Michael Jackson was murdered. At the top of their list of suspects?
Those people they hired from New Jersey.
Cheney Had Secret Hit Squad
It turns out that former VP Cheney had a secret hit squad for al-Qaida. That's where he took all those hunting trips. Palin bagged two in one 24 hour period.
Soromayor At Ease
Apparently, Sonia Sotomayor thinks she's already got the supreme court position as during today's questions, she sudddenly called out, "Hey, Judge Thomas, this looks like a pubic hair on my mike!"
Bush Releases List
Former President Bush released the final list of all the guests who stayed overnight at the White House when he was president. The most frequent visitor was that Saudi Prince he held hands with.
Bad Luck For Some
Yesterday in Washington, President Obama was in the middle of giving a speech when his teleprompter fell to the floor and shattered. Republicans fear "seven years of more speeches".
No Caps On Immigrants
I won't put a cap on immigration vows the Home Secretary. "They can wear whatever they are used to wearing on their heads."
Backpacker Found Alive In Australia
Missing British backpacker found ALIVE after 12 days in Australian bush. Says he survived on Wallaby Tootsie Rolls, water from mirage.
Backpacker's guide to the salad drawer
The 19-year-old British backpacker missing in Australia for 12 days has been found alive. Jamie Neale lived on seeds, reeds "and a kind of lettuce." Cos? Cos there was nothing else to eat, stupid!
Egyptian Poet Jailed
A civil servant in Egypt has been jailed for three years for insulting President Hosni Mubarak in a poem, according to newspaper reports. Attorney who read it aloud in court given three years.
Map Of Swine Flu Deaths Needed
The government must map the spread of swine flu more accurately in order to predict the number of people who are likely to die from it, scientists say. Thus far, guess is between 1 and 50 percent.
Jackson Versus Diana - Results In Full
The misjudged ITN news item comparing Michael Jackson's funeral to Princess Diana's was pulled by TV chiefs due to public outcry. Viewers were upset that Jackson won 3-1 and demanded a re-run.
Holy Water Removed
A bishop has advised that holy water be removed from churches in a bid to halt the spread of swine flu. Holes of water found to have piggy hoof prints.
Tiger Park Has No Tigers
One of India's main tiger parks - Panna National Park - has admitted it no longer has any tigers. But have thitrteen "Tony The Tiger" mascots the kids will love, until real tigers arrive.
Japan's Bank Downgraded
Japan's central bank has downgraded its economic forecast for the current financial year, but has reiterated that the worst of the recession and suicides are over.
UN Monitors Leaving Georgia
UN monitors to leave Georgia. Believe former President Jimmy Carter now stable. Will not lead another civil war as he had promised.
Six Endure Mars Test
Six men endure Mars flight simulation experiment. Other thirty-six are "buried with honor, as they are heroes."
Left: Health Care A Right
US House bill would make health care a right, coming almost exclusively from the left.
New Zealand Quake
Tsunami warning canceled after New Zealand quake leaves the whole island feeling a bit sheepish with sheep everywhere.
More Than Love Needed?
In love? It's not enough to keep a marriage, study finds. "You also need some money, Viagra."
Pirates Continue To Increase
World pirate attacks more than double this year. UN leaders recommends more hangings from the yardarm.
Pigs Contract Man Flu
Sows refuse to believe them, say they're exaggerating, just want to avoid clearing shed and they're boaring. In an unrelated but almost ironic incident, Spoof writer kills himself after writing this.
Stupid Englishman Found
Jamie Neale, a backpacker who got lost in the Australian outback in search of a Big Mac, survived by eating any shit he could scavenge. "I just put the crap between two baps and hey presto!", he said.
Big Down Under
An earthquake of magnitude 7.8 hit New Zealand today. No one of any interest or importance was injured or killed.
Internal Strife
Irritable bowel lashes out at duodenum as spastic colon tortures anal sphincter.
Bladder, reportedly "about to burst"; threatens evacuation.
Dolly Parton looalike competition cancelled
The annual Dolly Parton lookalike contest normally held in the smokey mountains has been cancelled because the treasurer Mr I Steel has stole all the funds and they have gone BUST.
Accentuate the positive
Episcopal church lifts ban on gay bishops, clergy; resulting schism in church thought to be outweighed by benefits to alter boys no longer pestered by horny old men with no outlet.
Budget Deficit Tops $1 Trillion
Hits new record high as President Obama tries to invest in economy; hopes to make it so strong America can finally pay down deficit still lingering since Reagan bankrupted America "winning" Cold War.
Makes me want to pull MY hair out!
Trichotillomania, the urge to pull out one's own hair, joins restless leg syndrome on long list of bizarre inflictions. Is there a medication to control my persistent urge to fart in public, too?
"I told you not to play with that in here!"
...mother tells boy with football after football-sized hole opens up in 737, depressurizing cabin and releasing oxygen masks, forcing emergency landing.
Let's be frank about this
Hot dog vendors feeling the pinch as millions of homosexuals flock to taco stands.
Who screens these tweeting twits, anyway?
Tour de France participants distracted by robot, part of marketing campaign for tech company, writing obscene chalk messages sent in by viewers along Tour's course.
More words to live by...
Since Mexican President Felipe Calderon went after drug cartels, 10,000 have died across Mexico. Drugs lords' advice to Calderon: "Smoke a joint, snort a line, and chill the f**k out!"
"Batting a thousand"
Porn prince James Mitchell beats Danielle Keller, mother of his daughter, to death with baseball bat; enters murder major leagues with perfect batting average.
False advertising?
Family of man who died driving over edge of Grand Canyon suing auto manufacturer; claim company marketed vehicle as suitable for "off-road" use.
It's all in the timing
Latest study indicates being caught in extra-marital affairs more damaging to some. Experts' advice: If you must cheat on your spouse, wait until your approval ratings are high.
OJ in the news again
"You'll probably be tried as an adult," prosecutor tells 16-year-old Florida murder suspect, "so drink plenty of Florida orange juice. A boy your age needs plenty of vitamin C."
North Carolina Cons Form Basketball Team
Club Fed announced formation of an inmate basketball team called the NC Ponzis. The 5 man team consists of Bernard Madoff, Robert Allen Stanford, Thomas Petters, Nicholas Cosmo and Lou Pearlman.
Florida Has Gas
Scientists have found that the state of Florida has vast amounts of natural gas. The cause is attributed to the growing of Navy, Green, Lima, and Kidney beans.
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