Spoof news snippets from July 2009
There were 1,726 spoof news snippets published in July 2009. A selection of the best rated snippets is shown here. You can use the calendar on the right hand side to get all the news snippets from a day in this month.
Michael Jackson Autopsy Shockers
Officials say they literally found the little boy in Jackson. Not sure how he got there, doctors estimate the young child asphyxiated inside the pop star at some point in the 80's
Governor Sarah Palin Resigns
In response to her functional illiteracy becoming public knowledge, Palin steps down. Governor's press secretary disputes this, saying she is resigning "cause Jesus told her to"
Michael Jackson Rocks Google!
The site reports that since his death, web searches for "dead pedophile" have gone up over 130,000%.
Glenn Beck shocker
Tells the world he has a "deep seated hatred" of intelligent people.
Paybacks are hell!
Unable to muster means to capture #1 slot from deceased spoofer Dark Prime, BuckwheatsButt "sinks to San Francisco Onion's level," attempts to teabag said spoofer from number 6 position for comments.
Janet Jackson To Pose Nude
Janet Jackson will pose completely nude for a photoshoot to be credited for Playboy in loving memory of her brother, Michael Jackson.
Miley Cyrus and Nick Jonas have broken up again; the excuse this time: JEALOUSY!
Aaron Carter Says He's Gay! Yeah and...?!?
In order to deny the fact that his new single "Let Go" is about Hilary Duff, his girlfriend seven years ago, Aaron Carter told People that he was gay. We don't see what's the new thing to know...
Michael Jackson NOT DEAD?!?
Michael Jackson has been seen on the same weird island where Amy Winehouse currently resides!
Samantha Ronson and Lindsay Lohan will both be posing on the cover of US Weekly's annual swimsuit number! Hot!
A show of hands
California police getting cramps writing tickets as countless motorists ignore hands free phone law. Last text sent by one man reads:
wtf just got pulled over :(
Raising a stink
High-end neighborhood's residents demand Porta-John company manufacture facilities that blend better with community, tired of teal eyesores in front of multi-million dollar properties.
OMG! More Miley Antics!
Miley Cyrus has been accused of driving under influence by Los Angeles police.
"Go into the light..."
Deceased spoof writer Dark Prime, catapulted back to popularity by passing of Jackson, fading fast as he slips down the "Top Writers" list.
Take two. And... Action!!
Friends of Fawcett, unhappy with first death's outcome, seeking to revive actress' exhumed corpse long enough to die once more, this time NOT in the shadow of Jackson.
CONFIRMED! Miley Cyrus Contracts Swine Flu!
That's why her "Hannah Montana" concert tour has been CANCELLED!!! Fans are mourning, they don't want Miley's death to be shadowed by Michael Jackson's funeral. Ouh!
Selena Gomez's Shocking Confession!
OMG! Selena Gomez is not virgin anymore, says Uss Magazine. "She did it, last night!", a source said. Fans are mourning.
The Pussycat Dolls Are Thrilled
... Because Selena Gomez and Demi Lovato will be honoring them by performing a cover of their hit single "When I Grow Up".
Hilary Duff Is Emmy Nominee
The Emmy Blabla Crew has cleared up the Best Guest Actress In A Drama list adding Hilary Duff's name to the nominees' list.
Don't take my word for it...
Experts also note, though thousands of typing monkeys still unable to reproduce a single work of Shakespeare, British writers perfectly capable of filling out spoof web site day after day!
Lyrical legumes gone "Bad"
Unable to outsell dead musician, Black Eyed Peas release The Black Eyed Peas: The Chitlin' Circuit, featuring covers by Jackson.
A great way to start your morning?
Conclusion to Black Eyed Peas video for My Black or White Hump Michael Jackson mashup may be banned due to violence-infused, sexually charged breakfast scene.
Less Deadly Independence Day
Reports indicate fireworks-related deaths down slightly this year, attributed largely to Americans having less money to spend on fireworks in this year's "dud" of an economy.
David Tavare Teams Up With Haylie Duff
David Tavare said he would really like Haylie Duff to appear on his forthcoming studio album on a song called "Summer Days (With The Other Duff)".
Michael Jackson Recorded A Song Called "I Will Survive"
Michael Jackson has reportedly recorded a song called "I Will Survive" and no, it is not a cover of the other famous song we all know... It will be released on September 22, 2010 by Sony.
Words to Live By
San Francisco tourist industry workers wearing T-Shirts with phrase "Your Mom and Dad came to San Francisco on vacation and didn't even tip me enough to pay for this lousy T-Shirt" on days off.
One for the record books
The Nashville, TN police department, after careful play by play analysis, revealed Steve McNair should have never made a pass at Sahel Kazemi.
Lactose-intolerant man opens fire on dairy farm
Tired of soy and rice beverages, Wisconsin man lays waste to area dairy farm's equipment, spilling at least 300,000 gallons of milk.
Hilary Duff Will Be Performing At The VMAs
Oh yes! She will... That what the MTV Networks MySpacce blog had to say... NO! They didn't. Fans should keep on voting then!
Miley Cyrus To Design Lauren Conrad's New Fashion Line
True! Disney doll Miley Cyrus will be designing the whole new LC Fashion Line by Lauren Conrad who will just have to sign her name on it. That's all.
Nothing Fishy Here
No longer "floundering in the ratings," San Francisco Onion refuses to be baited; has BuckwheatsButt saying "Holy Mackerel!" as he lures sole-less spoofer to deeper waters below number 5 position.
Mechanically separated meat product mogul surpasses shelf life
Oscar G. Mayer died of natural causes yesterday, having attained advanced age of 95 despite refusal to supplement diet with company's preservative-laden products.
Wacko Jacko: Father of the Year?
Heartfelt comments by Jackson's grief stricken daughter give some pause concerning lingering allegations against the King of Pop. Others say they'll wait to hear from Michael II.
Marketing Technique Revealed
Man pumps last $4.00 in change into small vending machine near grocer's doorway, still unable to get two fuzzy dice the same color.
Swine Flu Still a Concern
Homeless San Francisco man reportedly terrorizing tourists in Union Square area, faking violent fits of sneezing every time a group of people walks by wearing surgical masks.
CNNews study confirms night owls more productive at night, early birds more productive in morning. With all this chirping and hooting, no wonder I can't get to sleep!
"Law & Order: SVU" Wants Taylor Swift
Producers of the hit show Law & Order: SVU announced that they were looking forward to asking country singer Taylor Swift to guest star in a future episode.
"Funny People" Gets Oscar Praise
Adam Sandler's new movie Funny People might be nominated for an Academy Award according to one reviewer.
Wacko Jacko Nation
Studies indicate many of the King of Pop's strongest supporters are even more eccentric than Jackson himself.
Miguel Karam To Appear On 'Hannah Montana'
Lebanese teen act and TheSpoof writer Miguel Karam will be making an appearance in the final season of the Disney Channel hit series Hannah Montana that stars Miley Cyrus.
Slight Downward Trend
President Barack Obama's approval ratings have slipped according to most recent polls. At this rate, experts say he'll be as unpopular as George W. Bush in less than 40 years.
Another blow to sanctity of marriage
Massachusetts woman decides husband being "married to his work" no longer an excuse to neglect his duties at home. His mother-in-law upholds decision.
Death by Chocolate
Chocolate factory worker Vincent Smith II, 29, died after falling into vat of company's product. Family of deceased to be represented by law firm M & M, Goodbar and Snickers.
Miguel Karam Wants To Learn Japanese
Lebanese teen act and TheSpoof writer Miguel Karam has announced yesterday that he "wants to learn Japanese for [his] own pleasure"... Well, good luck with that!
5,000 lb. shark washes up on Long Island shore
Environmentalists blame pollution for shark's death.
Rush Limbaugh's response: "Nonsense, folks. This shark was clearly the one polluting the beach."
TheSpoof.com Is #1
TheSpoof.com came in the top spot of MammaMia's Most Hated Sites Of The Century! It even beat Perez Hilton, TMZ among others! That's an achievment.
Not quite a "has been" yet
Second person dies in construction accident building set for Madonna show. Fans remember when she used to "knock 'em dead" simply by being Madonna.
Japan Breaks No Boundaries
"Japan Breaks No Boundaries" is the title of the new Madonna album that will be released this december.
Real news reporters funnier than spoofers
Fan of movie Fight Club builds pipe bomb, blows up Starbucks, brags to friends, gets arrested. CNN reporter observes, "He forgot first rule of fight club is do not talk about fight club."
Epcott Center Gaza plans put on hold
Project grinds to halt when Small World secret service agents discover Hamas disguised as Mickie Mouse training children in suicide bombing techniques.
Man runs from police, engages in stand-off, ends up shot to death because he can't possibly afford traffic citation on top of rent, groceries, clothes, car, insurance, house, electricity, gas, ...
All talk, no action
Man wearing shirt reading "Real Men Eat Beef" unable to prove he's ever actually slaughtered and butchered his own cow.
NASA crashes Internet
After using specialty film restoration company to rework lunar landing footage, NASA releases story about "moonwalk videos"; Internet crashes as millions mistakenly assume story is Jackson-related.
"We've come a long way, baby!"
Michelle Obama visits plantation, slave quarters of great-great grandfather, reflects on family's journey from humiliation of slavery to pinnacle of success without benefit of hip-hop record.
Give it up for... Ahmadinejad!
After highly divisive election, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad set to be sworn in as Iran's President. He's already been sworn at plenty.
What can brown do for you?
One thing Charlie Sanford of Oakland, CA said he wishes they wouldn't have done is smash his rear driver's side fender before speeding up the block in their delivery van.
'HAHA' Heads To The Office!
Indian star 'HAHA' heads to hit American TV show "The Office" where he will play a freakin' guru!
Miguel Karam Says He Feels Bored Sometimes
Lebanese teen sensation Miguel Karam has confessed that he sometimes feels "bored" from what he's doing but "it's like an addiction, can't stop it!"
Can't blame us for trying!
1st Bank of Visa sends out statements to thousands of customers with $23 quadrillion in charges, hoping maybe one of those not paying very close attention.
"What are those straps over his shoulders?"
Sir Paul McCartney stops traffic at 53rd and Broadway as thousands crowd around to see, "I don't know, some old guy wearing... what are they called again? Oh, yeah. Suspenders!"
I think you've got the wrong guy
Georgia man paid child support for 13 years, then fell behind. Jailed for a year, then freed when DNA test proves child wasn't even his. Promptly issued parking citation upon leaving building.
Sometimes problems fix themselves
Big-rig tanker goes thru "wicked curve" near Detroit, MI, collides with 2nd rig; subsequent explosion knocks down old overpass that necessitated "wicked curve" in the first place!
Going to great lengths
Californian Zac Sunderland, 17, sails 27,500 miles to become youngest ever to sail around world alone. Now faces 15+ years detention for skipping 13 months of classes.
Can't trust anybody these days
Man dressed as priest wounds 5 officers in New Jersey shootout. Birmingham, AL officer who kicked in church door, arrested priest and tazed congregation says, "See? You can never be too careful."
Eat your vegetables!
President Obama has to acknowledge America's health care needs are just too vast and expensive for ANY system to work. Urges citizens to, "Please, just eat right and exercise. It's your only hope."
Who screens these tweeting twits, anyway?
Tour de France participants distracted by robot, part of marketing campaign for tech company, writing obscene chalk messages sent in by viewers along Tour's course.
Let's be frank about this
Hot dog vendors feeling the pinch as millions of homosexuals flock to taco stands.
Accentuate the positive
Episcopal church lifts ban on gay bishops, clergy; resulting schism in church thought to be outweighed by benefits to alter boys no longer pestered by horny old men with no outlet.
Put Dubya on the Moon?
Online poll suggests 57% of Americans approve idea of returning to Moon despite poor economy; this is roughly double George W. Bush's approval ratings shortly before leaving office.
"Hiding things in plain sight"
Sen. Jeff Sessions (AL) draws laughter, refers to drug penalty compromise saying "we're gonna do that crack cocaine thing you and I talked about." Later seen taking vial from man in trenchcoat.
"If my friends could see me now!"
Man spends vacation in brig at sea after killing wife on Carnivale cruise ship. Complains, "Cruise ship jail no better than regular jail. I could have saved money killing her at home."
No rest for the weary
Several people, while attending funeral of Florida couple slain in robbery gone wrong, almost get robbed at cemetary.
President Obama praised NAACP for progress, noted work still needs to be done. Maybe change in name could be first order of business - does anybody still say "colored people" besides the NAACP?
Hulk Hogan's Dainty Motion Picture Role
Hulk Hogan desperate for money because of his costly divorce has agreed to play the lead in the film, Richard Simmons - The Feminine Years.
Tobey McGuire Wants Revenge
Tobey McGuire is seeking revenge on the studios and production companies behind the "Spider-Man" saga for not paying him enough money!
OJ in the news again
"You'll probably be tried as an adult," prosecutor tells 16-year-old Florida murder suspect, "so drink plenty of Florida orange juice. A boy your age needs plenty of vitamin C."
It's all in the timing
Latest study indicates being caught in extra-marital affairs more damaging to some. Experts' advice: If you must cheat on your spouse, wait until your approval ratings are high.
Family of man who died driving over edge of Grand Canyon suing auto manufacturer; claim company marketed vehicle as suitable for "off-road" use.
"Batting a thousand"
Porn prince James Mitchell beats Danielle Keller, mother of his daughter, to death with baseball bat; enters murder major leagues with perfect batting average.
"I told you not to play with that in here!"
...mother tells boy with football after football-sized hole opens up in 737, depressurizing cabin and releasing oxygen masks, forcing emergency landing.
Makes me want to pull MY hair out!
Trichotillomania, the urge to pull out one's own hair, joins restless leg syndrome on long list of bizarre inflictions. Is there a medication to control my persistent urge to fart in public, too?
Budget Deficit Tops $1 Trillion
Hits new record high as President Obama tries to invest in economy; hopes to make it so strong America can finally pay down deficit still lingering since Reagan bankrupted America "winning" Cold War.
Irritable bowel lashes out at duodenum as spastic colon tortures anal sphincter.
Bladder, reportedly "about to burst"; threatens evacuation.
More words to live by...
Since Mexican President Felipe Calderon went after drug cartels, 10,000 have died across Mexico. Drugs lords' advice to Calderon: "Smoke a joint, snort a line, and chill the f**k out!"
Hilary Duff's "Wake Up" Is Still #1 On AOL?
AOL has apologized for keeping Hilary Duff's 2005 summer smash hit "Wake Up" at #1 until now.
Miley Cyrus' "The Climb" Might Win Razzie
Miley Cyrus' "The Climb" might grab this year's Razzie Award for "Worst Original Song" according to David Letterman.
Kevin Jonas Announces His Engagement
Kevin Jonas has gotten engaged. It is reported that Miley Cyrus and Madonna are both heartbroken over the news.
Homeless Man Rebuffed
Approached man known as 'Cockney Dave' with outstretched hand pleading he hadn't eaten for three days.
"Force yourself" came the reply.
Kirstie Alley To Portray Wynonna Judd
Producers have offered Kirstie Alley the lead role in the country music motion picture, My Name Is Wynonna Judd and I'm A Sanger. The only stipulation is that she has to gain 43 pounds.
Miley Cyrus Had Nothing To Do With Sex-Tape Scandal!
Disney doll Miley Cyrus has clearly explained that she "had nothing at all to do with the sex tape that shows a Miley-look-alike having the thing with teen heartthrob Nickolas Jonas.
Mr. X Hates TheSpoof.com
Mr. X has stated in a recent interview with JonaBow Magazine that he hates TheSpoof.com because it only tells the truth!
The Winner of The White House Swimsuit Competition
The "First Mama" Michelle Obama in order to poke fun at her "sleeveless critics" models a brand new swimsuit with sleeves.
A dark day for politics
Ahmadinejad, Khamenei proclaim Allah responsible for darkening skies over country yesterday - dissatisfied with Iranian voters' protests of election results. Experts say event actually an eclipse.
France to Be Brought Closer to England
It is said that whatever happens on one side of the world also happen on the other. New Zealand has been brought closer to Australia by an earthquake. It is feared that it will happen over here soon.
Miss Italy Severely Reprimanded
Miss Italy has been severely reprimanded for telling a reporter that she truly believes that the leaning tower of Pisa should be fixed because it is leaning like the dickens.
Vladimir Putin Rules To Close Every Russia Casino
Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin has ruled that all of Russia's 500 plus casinos will be closed. Immediately about 9 billion playing chips go on sale on eBay.
Red Wine Increases Women's Sexual Desires
Scientists have discovered that a glass or two of red wine will increase women's sexual desires. It would appear that men are to be replaced by the bottle.(I wonder what they do with the cork?)
North Korea in Zodiac Mix up
North Korea strongly denies that its leader, Kim Jong il DOES NOT have cancer (as his birth sign). A close friend reports that he is an Aquarian.
The Actor Formerly Known As Ashton Kutcher
Ashton Kutcher in a move designed to show that he is totally secure in his machismo has agreed to honor his wife by officially changing his name to Ashton Moore.
The Name Clay MacEntire Does Have A Nice Ring To It
Clay Aiken is denying the rumor that he is Reba MacEntire's biological son. Aiken remarked that he has never been in Oklahoma, much less in Ms. MacEntire.
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