Order by:
Rating:

Three Bushes? No Way, No How, Hell No!!!

Former President George H.W. Bush, (George W's daddy) said he wants his other son, Jeb, to become president of the U.S. someday. The elder Bush is now resting comfortably at The Home For The Way Old.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 05 January 2009
Rating:

The Zoo's Only Female Zebra is Pretty But...

Zoo officials in London are bewildered as to why male zebras are refusing to mate with the zoo's only female zebra. Finally a zebra expert noticed that her stripes run horizontal and not vertical.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 05 January 2009
Rating:

The Pocketless Kangaroo

Australian veterinarians discovered an adult kangaroo that has no pocket. A group of doctors sewed one in. Three days later, two nurses were fired for using the kangaroo's pocket as an ash tray.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 05 January 2009
Rating:

You Can't Unring Taco Bell

Scientists report that the Earth's temperature is .7 degrees hotter than normal. Federal authorities are placing part of the blame on the hot sauce at Taco Bell.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 05 January 2009
Rating:

President George W. - The Bug Buster

An entomology professor warns terrorists could use insect-based biological weapons in the form of disease-carrying bugs. President Bush asked, "You mean that now they're training suicide crickets?"

written by Abel Rodriguez, 05 January 2009
Rating:

Russians Worried

The Russians are very worried about the Middle East situation. This concern has prompted them to send Hamas their leftover body bags from the Georgia invasion.

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 05 January 2009
Rating:

Social Security Standards Raised

Social Security has raised the standards for receiving crazy checks to "complete drooling absolute idiot" status.

written by Bureau, 05 January 2009
Rating:

Loud Screams Ignored

No one takes the victims of a serial mugger seriously after he first empties a balloon filled with helium into their mouths.

written by Bureau, 05 January 2009
Rating:

Plastic Surgeon Really Busy

A male plastic surgeon in Los Angeles is getting plenty of publicity all across the nation after walking around sporting a huge rack!

written by Bureau, 05 January 2009
Rating:

Atomic Bomb Finishes Second

The invention of the Atomic Bomb finishes a close second in the most important invention of the twentieth century, right behind the Salad Shooter.

written by Bureau, 05 January 2009
Rating:

Judge Issues Ruling

This morning a judge in Alabama has issued a "Shut Your Big Tater Trap" rule against two witnesses in a murder trial there.

written by Bureau, 05 January 2009
Rating:

Fantasy Baseball Tightens Rules

A fantasy baseball team owner has been fined and suspended and thrown out of the league over the illegal use of steroids.

written by Bureau, 05 January 2009
Rating:

Another Nuclear Mix-Up

The United States Army reveals it accidentally, through a horrible mix-up, placed a nuclear missile on an Atlanta tour bus.

written by Bureau, 05 January 2009
Rating:

Levitra Stock Way Up

Bayer stock up ten percent after long term contract to sell Levitra pills to Texas polygamists, Saudi sheiks.

written by Bureau, 05 January 2009
Rating:

Pro-Nazi NDP back Israel

Germany's pro-Nazi NDP party throw their all-out support behind Israel's genocidal attacks on Gaza and its Palestinian population, stating "We taught them all they know about ethnic cleansing."

written by Rusty, 05 January 2009
Rating:

Bailiffs to Exterminate Tardis Squatters

Now the BBC has a new recruit to play their millenniums old Time Lord, they are now applying for a court order to evict squatters from the abandoned and derelict Dr. Who Time Machine 'Tardis'

written by Rusty, 05 January 2009
Rating:

Jackoff gets 'Split Conversion' Therapy

Cheated investors got even with bailed fraudster Bernie Jackoff yesterday by adopting his own fanciful money-spinning 'split-conversion strategy' when they chopped him into pieces to feed their dogs.

written by Rusty, 05 January 2009
Rating:

Israel Draws WW2 / Gaza Parallels

Israel justified its genocidal military actions against Gaza's population by stating it simply wished to draw attention to what they suffered at the Nazi's hands during the purported WW2 holocaust.

written by Rusty, 05 January 2009
Rating:

Centre Court : Wimbledon

Hundreds of Parkinson's disease sufferers who've been improving their digital dexterity by manualising tennis balls have been selected to play at Wimbledon this summer.

written by Rusty, 05 January 2009
Rating:

Where's the Weed?

The deaths of two men, Bill and Ben, whose bodies were fished out of the River Slugg in Herefordshire, are being treated as suspicious due both having their feet firmly jammed in large plant pots.

written by Rusty, 05 January 2009
Rating:

Smith too young for Time Lord

Critics lash the BBC's choice of actor Mott Smith as too young to play the 900 year-old Dr. Who. This is Smith's first speaking part as he previously played Gromet in the Curse of the Were-Rabbit.

written by Rusty, 05 January 2009
Rating:

Weatherfork beer now 99p a Pint!

Giant UK pub chain JD Wetherfork is cutting the price of a pint to 99p to cheer up cash-strapped drinkers hit by the recession and unemployment, so they can stay pissed until things pick up again.

written by Rusty, 05 January 2009
Rating:

Bush holding Republican yard sale

To raise revenue and offset record deficits, Bush will sell items including his Dr. Seuss collection, Schwartzeneggar action figures, and a slinky that's been down every staircase in the White House.

written by The San Francisco Onion, 05 January 2009
Rating:

Norm Coleman orders 300 copies of "Counting for Dummies"

He will distribute the books from the popular series to Minnesotan vote counters when he contests results from the senatorial recount and demands yet another.

written by The San Francisco Onion, 05 January 2009
Rating:

New Reality Series - "American Idle"

The latest in a long line of reality TV shows, this one will focus on the struggles of 20 contestants to evade weekly elimination rounds as they compete for a job.

written by The San Francisco Onion, 05 January 2009
Rating:

Bush Signs Cookbook Deal

Tentatively titled Recipes for Disaster, the book will include many of Dubya's favorite culinary concoctions, including Subprime Rib, Freddie Macaroni, Mexican Border Tacos and Iraqi Freedom Lemonade.

written by The San Francisco Onion, 05 January 2009
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