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Big Find At Monticello

Archaeologists digging near Monticello say they have discovered the boyhood skeleton of former president Thomas Jefferson.

written by Bureau, 31 January 2009
Rating:

Pearl In Mountain Oyster?

A local farmer from Jackson, Tennessee finally admits that he didn't find that huge pearl in a mountain oyster, but at a jewelry store when no one was looking.

written by Bureau, 31 January 2009
Rating:

Political Corectness proves to be hit in Somalia

Changing the words to the sea shanty "Drunken Sailor" to "What shall we do with the grumpy Pirate?" has spawned a new chart topping hit in Somalia!

written by IN SEINE, 31 January 2009
Rating:

Bush Remembered

Former President Bush was asked today if he thought he would always be remembered for the war in Iraq, stated, "Not after the full depression gets here."

written by Bureau, 31 January 2009
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House Evacuated

The United States House of Representatives was vacated Friday when a mysterious stimulus package was found on the floor.

written by Bureau, 31 January 2009
Rating:

No Chat Show

There has been a fourty-percent drop in the number of female guests willing to appear on chat shows since the introduction of HD tv in the UK..

written by p.doff, 31 January 2009
Rating:

Big Fight At Disney

Seventeen people were injured yesterday at a Disney Studio as someone mixed the canned laughter with the cans of whupass!

written by Bureau, 31 January 2009
Rating:

Pelosi, Hillary Make Demands

Nancy Pelosi and Hillary Clinton have joined forces to demand that a woman finally be appointed president of the Old Boys Network.

written by Bureau, 31 January 2009
Rating:

Criminals Not The Only Ones Hardened

A huge prison riot still going on in Muhlingberg County, Kentucky, is now believed to have been started by someone bringing the guards Viagra-laced brownies.

written by Bureau, 31 January 2009
Rating:

U.S. Scientists Embarrassed

Top scientists in the United States were caught red-faced today as news leaked out that Stephen Hawking is actually a muppet.

written by Bureau, 31 January 2009
Rating:

Jobs Stolen

Special ABC News show on Sunday night opposite the Super Bowl on "How Mexicans In Mexico Are Stealing Jobs From Illegal Mexicans In The U.S.A."

written by Bureau, 31 January 2009
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Fake Hot Dogs

The first McDonalds to locate in Pyongyang, North Korea is already being sued by customers for selling fake hot dogs.

written by Bureau, 31 January 2009
Rating:

Middle Wing Radio

Middle Wing Radio Talk Show hosts say that their second year in business was much the same as last year, more or less.

written by Bureau, 31 January 2009
Rating:

One-Millionth Ankle Bracelet Sold

E. Z. Tracker sold its one millionth electronic ankle monitoring device this week, half of them being worn by wayward husbands who are "having to work late at the office again."

written by Bureau, 31 January 2009
Rating:

Shit Happens

Sources suggest that 'some shit went down' in Ohio last night. It is, as of yet, unclear what Republican Senator George Voinovich meant by that.

written by ChrisAshby13, 31 January 2009
Rating:

String vests "sexy" claim Glasgow women

A poll of 1,250 Glasgow women has shown that the string vest is the garment that most women would like their husbands to wear. In second place was the simple "wife-beater" sleeveless t-shirt.

written by NODDY, 31 January 2009
Rating:

Santa's Sack Smaller

After this past austere Christmas, it has been discovered that Santa's sack is smaller, alarming both parents around the world and Mrs. Claus, who fears the old boy is on steroids.

written by Bureau, 31 January 2009
Rating:

Octogenarian Dies From SIDS

An octogenarian in Pensacola, Florida has succumbed to SIDS during his second childhood, his family stated early this morning.

written by Bureau, 31 January 2009
Rating:

Obama Asks GOP For Help

President Obama seeks GOP help on Recovery Bill. "I know I signed it with several different pens and laid it on my desk but somehow it's gotten misplaced."

written by Bureau, 31 January 2009
Rating:

Stocking Up

The latest poll reveals that the majority of the first rebate receivers spent their money on purchasing thousands of those five-year-old lasting sandwiches from the military.

written by Bureau, 31 January 2009
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Drug Cartel Draft Over

Three Lowertown families delighted that a son from each family has been drafted by the International Drug Cartel, Billy Boy Jenkins coming in at #5.

written by Bureau, 31 January 2009
Rating:

Television Biggest Distraction

A new study reveals television is the biggest distraction from.......look at that..that guy's kid hit him right in the nuts hee hee....having intelligent conversations.

written by Bureau, 31 January 2009
Rating:

Larry, Darrel & Darrel Franchises Close

Another sign that the United States may be near a depression: The Larry, Darrel & Darrel Closes nearly 300 "Anything For A Buck" franchises across the nation.

written by Bureau, 31 January 2009
Rating:

Bush Accomplishment #27

Bush Administration #27: The more food costs went up, the more it has helped save the nation's ten million obese.

written by Bureau, 31 January 2009
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Oldest Joke Traced

The world's oldest joke has now been officially traced all the way back to around 2800 BCE, and was apparently related to both the Royal Family in England and the Dan Quayle family in the U.S.

written by Bureau, 31 January 2009
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Nessie Spotted

Nessie, the Loch Ness monster has been seen by a group of tourists passing through the area. At least 14 people say they clearly saw the creature and that she is definitely spotted.

written by Bureau, 31 January 2009
Rating:

Who really bought the I O registration Plate?

The vehicle registration number 'I O' was bought by Gordon Brown who bid over £170,000. The auctioneers phoned him at the Davos conference to let him know his bid was successful. Pretty obvious really.

written by IN SEINE, 31 January 2009
Rating:

Obama Says Biden Will Head Task Force to Improve Standing of Middle Class

The task force is thrilled. The middle class isn't standing for it! They are lying down spread-eagled.

written by Aspartame Boy, 31 January 2009
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Obama Says Biden Will Head Task Force to Improve Standing of Middle Class

As dog breeders know.

written by Aspartame Boy, 31 January 2009
Rating:

Fertilizer Pills for Pregnancy

If I ever catch my wife taking fertilizer pills to make her more receptive to pregnancy, I'm running the other way.

written by freezer101, 31 January 2009
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