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Consumer Confidence At All-Time Low

Consumer confidence has hit an all-time low despite the changes in Washington. After this peanut thing, Americans say they have no confidence whether the meal they're eating will be their last or not.

written by Bureau, 24 January 2009
Rating:

FEMA Prepared For Inaugural In DC

FEMA announced this morning that they are well prepared should any natural disaster happen in Washington during the Obama Inaugural. "We expect close to two million people", stated Dalate Buckshort.

written by Bureau, 24 January 2009
Rating:

Flubbed Oath

Former President George W. Bush placed a call to President Obama Friday telling him not to worry about the flubbed oath.
"I was called a Flubbed Oaf for my whole eight years."

written by Bureau, 24 January 2009
Rating:

Stripper Doing A Little Side Business

Local stripper making a lot of extra money on the side by secretly filming bachelor parties and selling the film to the highest bidder, giving first chance to the new groom and bride's mother.

written by Bureau, 24 January 2009
Rating:

Congo's Low-Carbon Footprints

A spokesman for the Congo has announced that they are doing some amazing experimentation with the idea of using grapevines as a means of alternative "low-carbon footprint" transportation.

written by Bureau, 24 January 2009
Rating:

Another Book Dedication

Friday saw the one-thousandth unpublished author dedicate his new book to "That beautiful, all-loving, goddess-like Oprah Winfrey."

written by Bureau, 24 January 2009
Rating:

Bum Gets Free Gifts

Alcoholic bum who found CIA notes on al-Qaeda in a trash can, has been given a reward of $10,000 and a totally free frontal lobotomy.

written by Bureau, 24 January 2009
Rating:

Undercover Cop Really Undercover

A police Captain in Trenton, New Jersey has announced that one of their undercover cops has been located six feet under,
with horses head.

written by Bureau, 24 January 2009
Rating:

New Parents Name Baby

In the local news, new parents in Sally, Mississippi, have named their new baby boy, Daddy Junior.

written by Bureau, 24 January 2009
Rating:

Arkansas Protest

In show of defiance, a lone Arkansas consumer stands in front of long line of WalMart trucks.

written by Bureau, 24 January 2009
Rating:

Red Sports Car, Penis Size

A new study shows that little red sports cars actually do indicate the driver's penis size, color.

written by Bureau, 24 January 2009
Rating:

Housekeeping Has High Praise for Obama's Honesty

At an economic meeting, Congressional Housekeeping asked Obama to "do his part" and tidy up around the podium at which he spoke, under which they had placed a $100 bill. They are elated at its return.

written by The San Francisco Onion, 24 January 2009
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