Spoof news snippets from Saturday 7 February 2009
Man Found Dead in Westminster
A frozen corpse was found on the doorstep of the Houses of Parliament. "It was so cold that the poor man felt like listening to MPs, so desperate for some hot air he must have been." Said a Coroner.
England cricket team to be shot
The England cricket team are to be formally shot by the ECB in the Long Room of Lords. This decision comes after they lost the first test to the West Indies by an innings.
Sexual Gymnastics and Political Kitten Abuse
Both win 5-star awards in the International Headline-Grabbing Championships in New York.
At least his breath is fresh...
Hit hard by economy, a San Francisco valet survives 2 months on breath mints and chewing gum pilfered from clients' automobiles.
Poor Poor Elisabeth "Crocodile Tears" Hasselbeck
The Views Elisabeth Hasselbeck tells Larry King the other girls are always treating her like she is dumb and stupid. Larry replies, "Well Lizzy, that's probably because you are."
Rihanna's 'Presidential' Pinky Fingernail
Singer Rihanna shown sporting a likeness of President Obama on her right pinky fingernail. Meanwhile GOP mouthpiece Ann Coulter reportedly has a likeness of an ampersand (&) on her right nipple.
The Salt Lake City Saltman
A man living in Salt Lake City is allergic to salt. As a result everything that he eats has to be taken with a grain of salt.
Michael Phelps Admits to Failure in Olympics
"I really went there to score some China Gold, but all I got was these stupid medals."
Gates "It's full of bugs and susceptible to viruses"
Retired Microsoft Boss speaks out over a jar of mosquitoes he was using in a publicity stunt, not Vista.
London Shoe Thrower Latest
"It's all a big mix-up. I was only trying to get my trainers to hang over the telephone cable by their laces"
Bill The Plumber Plunges To His Death
The New York Times has withdrawn their headline "Joe The Plumber Plunges To His Death!" and have corrected it to "Bill The Plumber" and issues an apology to Joe's family.
Questions Biggest Dick
Former Vice President Dick Cheney's wife, Lynne, claims The Spoof writer is incorrect on reporting on the man with biggest dick. "I've had this one for over 40 years now."
A Manchester Man and His Inflatable Doll
A man in Manchester, England crashed into a shop. When he did an inflatable doll in the back seat inflated. The man was charged with reckless driving. The doll was charged with being ugly as hell.
Ann Coulter: "I Only Eat 80 Calories A Day"
Ann Coulter, who's 6 foot 3, and weighs 81, will appear on 'Sesame Street.' She'll appear in an educational spot dressed as an 'exclamation point.' Coulter will be standing on a basketball.
A-Rod & La Madonna
New York Yankees superstar Alex Rodriguez (A-Rod) reportedly tested positive for steroid use in 2003. An insider says he also tested positive for Madonna use in 2008.
Bye Bye Chicago Cubs
The Chicago Tribune has stated that it is having magor financial troubles. They announce that they will be forced to lay off employees, use cheaper (print) ink, and eliminate the sports section.
Octuplets Doctor Says "It" Was Necessary"
The doctor who delivered Nadya Suleman's eight babies is now under investigation for abuse in the spanking of the newborn octuplets.
Paris Hilton Says She Wants '8.'
Paris Hilton says she admires Nadya Suleman, aka 'The Baby Machine.' Paris told her psychiatrist, "I really want to have 8 babies just like her. I think having Octoberlets would be so hot."
England thrash Italy in Six Nations Rugby
England won decisively in their match against Italy showing brilliant skill, courage and flair. It was the final match of the 2002 competition, and England have failed to live up to that level since.
Tory Leader in State School Pledge
David Cameron has pledged to send his children to state schools, if he finds one that offers them a good enough education. Eton it is then.
Freddie out of Test
Freddie Flintstone is out of the 2nd Test in the West Indies. Barney Rubble is drafted into team as replacement.
Lambeth is London's first crime-free borough
Lambeth was officially named as London's first crime-free borough today. "This will leave the police and PCSOs free to tackle the really important issues, issuing parking tickets", said a spokesman.
Red Wine Fine In Moderation
A new study has revealed that red wine actually does slow down the aging process and if its overdone, can stop it completely.
Bonds Rushed To Hospital.
Baseball Home Run King Barry Bonds was rushed to a hospital in L.A. last night when his enormous head had small cracks to appear above both ears.
World's Oldest Person Still Alive
The world's oldest person, 118-year-old Kyu Tajamaki of Japan, was reported still alive at 8:07 PM, local time.
Waiting For That Bailout
While many people out of work are actively seeking a new job or new job skills, Billy Joe Lindsey of Maggody, Arkansas says he's going to take a fishing vacation and await his turn for a bailout.
Economy: Most Are Down But Some Are Up!
While most businesses say they are down nearly fifty percent from last February, WalMart, Dollar Stores and Michael Phelps report they are all up..Phelps nearly 100%.
Madoff Ancestor Discovered
This week, scientists have discovered the fossil of a prehistoric 45-foot-long python. After careful examination, they now believe this is an ancient ancestor of Bernie Madoff.
Plane Goes Over Niagara Falls
An American Airlines pilot has outdone the captain of the Hudson River landing by ditching his plane in Canada and going over Niagara Falls with everyone reported safe and sound, but smell bad.
Pope forgets car is transparent, seen scratching his balls
The pope is said to be gutted today after he was seen by thousands scratching his balls having forgotten that his car was transparent.
Bowie to run for presidency....of Costa Rica
Legendary UK pop singer, David Bowie, has announced his candidacy for the Presidency of South American state Costa Rica. Bowie explained that he needed a career change and Costa Rica was a nice place.
Mother of 14 children "pregnant again"
Single mother Nadya Suleman, 33, who gave birth to octuplets last month and already has 6 other children, has announced she is pregnant again. Doctors say it will be a multiple birth, maybe 3 or 4.
Balls "sorry" for sausage find horror
Balls Ltd. today apologised unreservedly to Betty Swallocks, 63, who found a pig's penis in her packet of Ball's Sausages. "It should have been minced up and added to the mix", said a spokesman.
Christians Point Out Fire and Brimstone In Iceland
Native Icelanders say it's just volcanic and geothermal activity, not an apocalyptic punishment for electing openly lesbian Johanna Sigurdadottir Prime Minister, as the Christians have suggested.
Cockpit tapes from Hudson River Miracle Landing Flight Released to Public.
Sullenberger never said "So, Bobby, do you like it when Scruffy rubs up against your leg?"
Bad Breath?
If you suffer from bad breath, contact Madame La Guillotine. France. Solution guaranteed.
Woman With Octupletes Sets Another Record
A California woman who set the world record by giving birth to 14 kids in six years also claims the record for the worlds longest tits!
Neck Nearly Rung
Fears arise of war escalation after Afghanistan man hurls horse shoe at Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton.
Light Heart Attack
Consumer has light heart attack after his call to complain about product was answered by a non-taped American voice.
In The Backwoods
Anthropologists say that nearly 15% of a tribe found far back into the middle of Brazil's Rainforest have never even heard of global warming.