Spoof news snippets from Tuesday 24 February 2009
I was branded a perverted sex offender
complains, as he is driven to hospital burns unit by Police.
Barry Bond's Blows Chance To Make It Into The Hall of Fame
Barry Bonds has stated that he has turned down an offer to work as a security guard at The Baseball Hall of Fame Museum in Cooperstown, New York.
$900 Million To Re-Re-Rebuild Gaza
The Gaza Strip's reconstruction will likely top $900 million, a United States official said Tuesday. Most of the money going for rebuilding the same buildings for the third or fourth time.
Nicole Richie Having Flashbacks
Close friends and loved ones say privately that Nicole Richie has never gotten over that 82-minute stretch in jail over a year ago.
Ice Storm's Far-Reaching Effects
Not only did the early February ice storm in the South bring down many buildings and trees, an estimated $500,000 worth of Christmas decorations were destroyed.
Seek Common Grounds
Hamas militants and Fatah semi-militants to meet today to seek common grounds for hating and despising each other.
"And Another One's Gone"
While you were reading that last Snippet, two more of President Obama's cabinet nominees excused themselves because of not paying their taxes.
The American Express Christmas Present
Since American Express announced that they will pay their cardholders $300 to close their account, the request for a new American Express credit card has gone up by 10,000 percent!
University Challenge
From next year, the contest will include an interactive element allowing viewers to rate the contestants on their 'slapability quotient'
"Welcome Amigos To Jerry Springer's Mexico!"
U.S college students are advised not to go to Mexico for their spring break. Due to the rival drug cartel violence Mexico is now kind of like the Jerry Springer Show but with bullets!
The New Macy's...Not Like The Old Macy's!
Macy's announces 4th quarter loses of 49%. The CEO says they will discontinue their valet parking, fire all of their in-store psychiatrists, and start charging customers a $10 shopping fee.
The Legs of Thailand
Thousands of protesters are calling for Thailand's prime minister to dissolve the Thai Parliament and hold new elections. He has agreed and says he will gladly welcome a new Thai-High Parliament.
Office Depot & Lots More
Office Depot reports a $1.54 billion loss in it's 4th quarter. A consulting firm will totally restructure the operation and change the company name to 'Office Depot, Donuts, & Deep-Fried Twinkies.'
NASA's $273.4 Million 'Space Probe' Malfunction
NASA's Orbiting Carbon Observatory spacecraft was launched but failed to reach orbit due to a 'space probe' malfunction. Officials reveal that they are desperately trying to find the receipt.
Target's Bull's Eye Just Got Smaller
The Target Corporation's 4th quarter profits fell 41 percent. The board of directors approves to change the retail giants name to 'Off-Target.'
Rare Jaguars Showing Up In Mexico
Jaguars, rarely seen for many years in the mountains of Mexico, are starting to show up again. Officials credit the fortunes accumulated by drug lords for being able to buy expensive cars.
CNN picks up option on Israeli-Palestinian conflict for another season
Although viewership has slipped since the Israeli withdrawal from Gaza, CNN claims that they are confident that audience numbers will once again rise given Israel's recent swing to the right.
N. Korea Sending Up Another Missile
North Korea says it is ready to send up another missile but this time they may have to land it in South Korea.
Taliban Given Asylum, Where They Belong
Pakistan has created a safe haven and given asylum for Taliban where they can safely behead and blow up people at will, receive 1072 virgins if they wish.
CEO's Settling For $500,000
90% of nation's CEO's agree to only $500,000 per year bonus, mostly those who's companies have declared bankruptcy and closed.
Airport Lines Slower Than Ever
Airlines complain that Old Farts are slowing things down at airports by getting back in line where they're being felt over by female security guards.
Newly-discovered skin condition causing sore red palms blamed on excessive games console use
This should not be confused with the condition prevalent among TheSpoof.com writers that only affects one hand.
Going Nowhere, But At A Record Speed
Republicans say Obama's stimulus package includes high speed rail lines for Bridge Going Nowhere.
Worse Than Great Depression
Experts say U.S. economic crisis worse that that of The Great Depression but not as bad as The Great Mass Suicide.
Book Danger!
A man in Calcutta was found in a sorry state; cold, hungry and tired after buying a new book: "The Art of Leviation" by Mahatma Goat, a Hindu Swami. He said "It kept me up all night!"
BBC radio is reporting that an elusive subspecies of cheetah has been photographed using a hidden camera trap.
This prompted turmoil in the Commons as MPs scrambled to contact their lawyers.
Chimps speak out
Chimps protest cartoon depicting them as policy makers in the American Government. They strongly assert that their intelligence is higher than that.