Spoof news snippets from Saturday 21 February 2009
Bejing Bid to Stop Sale of Yves St Laurent's Bronzes.
China has launched a legal bid to stop the sale of two 18th Century bronze statues at a Paris auction. They claim the statues are fakes and should not be sold for the expected 10m euros.
Ditched Helicopter found
A Super Puma helicopter that ditched in the North Sea earlier this week, failing to kill any of its passengers or crew has been found - on ebay!
Man Type-Casted For Life
Man starring in all those Levitra commercials says he's now type-casted for life as "Droopy Dick" Schofield.
Madonna Turning 50
Madonna, apparently out there trying to show people that she's still got it after turning 50, stomachs.
Monet, It's A Hit!
Roger Walters told reporters today that he had invested in his 12th Monet painting as an edge against the current bad economy: "Monet, it's a gas, grab that Water Lily and make a dash!"
Help For Bigger Firms
The United States Order of Certified Public Accountants now recommend Viagra for most bigger firms.
New Hearing Aid Blows Away Farters
A new hearing aid will be out in May that's a lot smaller & superior even to last year's models. "Still scares you to death the first time you fart", states one recent buyer.
U.S. Not The Fattest
The United States breathes a sigh of relief as new study reveals that Laurelstan now has the most obese people on earth.
France Honored By Prez
President Barack Hussein Obama decides to name France to most-flavored nation status.
Nuclear Explosions Ruled Accidental
2.58 billion dead, 3,500,000 develop tinnitus in both ears after last nights accidental nuclear explosions according to Drudge Report!
Suddenly Sober In Detroit
A Detroit man who was staggering down the street at 2 AM in the morning and closely followed by a police car, says that being hit by tenth story icy water balloons, a wake-up call.
Abu Ghraib Finally Reopens
Baghdad's infamous Abu Ghraib Prison which was closed in 2006 has reopened. In an effort to be more prisoner friendly the new facility is now called, The Sands of Disneyland Prison.
Situation: Rosy!
In an effort to transfer his cool demeanor to the populace, President Obama has dictated that the terror alert charts be converted to pastels
March off
The march on Climate Change planned for London this weekend has been cancelled due to forecast bad weather.
Union War
I had a dream that unions ran the war: we had overtime, war-profit sharing,& bargaining power. We were running 3 shifts. I clocked in at 9 am & was out promptly at 5. All in all, not a badly run war.
Losing Weight Fast, Especially Brain Cells
Scientists say that the new "Meth Diet" works faster at losing weight than the Adkins and Weight Watcher Diets combined.
Obama Going One-On-One
When asked why he had so had so many one-on-one discussions at the White House thus far, President Obama stated, "Have you ever tried to hold a conversation with Joe Biden around?"
New Moderators Needed
The final ratings are all in for the Presidential & V.P. debates. Apparently they were so low that all four networks have requested that the 2012 moderators consist of Rickles, Springer & O'Donnell.
Simpson Jury Criticized
Many are beginning to criticize the California jury for sending O.J. Simpson and his friends to jail. Most say they had hoped he would have been available to rub out Bernie Madoff.
Palin McCain's Achilles Heel?
In a new poll, when questioned about McCain's losing the election, "Did you think that Sarah Palin was the Achilles heel?", most answered, "Who was looking at her heel?"
Unemployed Look To Washington
With more and more people losing their jobs, many are looking towards congress. The government reports that so far over a million people are going to run for the 435 seats during the next election.
Hillary Realized She'd Lost
In reply to a question by a Chinese reporter yesterday, Hillary Clinton stated that the moment she first realized she had actually lost the election was during the third Obama/McCain debate.
McCain Reveals Campaign's Turning
John McCain blames his recent presidential election lose on one sleepy answer during second debate when he stated, "I'll take Old Movies for $400 Alex!"
Country Music More Popular
A new poll reveals that more people are beginning to listen to country music since they've also been losing their homes, wives and trucks, or Hummers as the case my be.
GM's Saturn's Are Going Bye-Bye
GM has announced that it will cease production on a car it introduced in 2006. GM will no longer produce the Saturn. Plans are under way however to develop a new more economical car, the Uranus.
Malia & Sasha Dolls Selling For $3,000
The controversial Malia and Sasha Obama dolls are selling on eBay for $3,000 each. Meanwhile the George Bush, Dick Cheney, and Donald Rumsfeld action figure doll set collection is selling for 7 cents.
"Senors and Senora's The Bullfight She Is Over!"
A bullfight in Mexicali, Mexico was abruptly cancelled when the fighting bull developed a horrible case of diarrhea. One local fan called it the shitiest bullfight he had ever attended.
Plaxico Who?
Sports Shops report that Plaxico Burress's #17 jersey has just become the least sought after sports item. Sales are even below those of the Roger Clemens designer jockstrap.
Benito Mussolini's 1937 Alfa Romeo For Sale
Benito Mussolini's personal car, a 1937 Alfa Romeo is selling on eBay for $1.2 million. Donald Rumsfeld's 2003 Ford Taurus is selling for $3.
Obama's Jackson Rant
"Jackson, where's Jackson, I want Jackson now, who's Jackson's surgeon, I want to be white like Jackson - get me Jackson now!"
Source - US White House - Snoop Bug Transmitter 6
Dr. Strangedeath, FDA spokesperson reveals his true name
Dr. Strangedeath, erstwhile spokesperson for the FDA, revealed today that his true name is Aspartame Boy. On the NEWS, Dr. Strangedeath was promoted to head the agency.
Madonna Tests Positive For Steroids
The pop star reportedly blamed it on Alex Rodriguez's "secret sauce"
Bankers wipe toxic asses clean
Bankers are wiping their toxic asses clean. However, the plumbing still seems to be clogged.