Spoof news snippets from Friday 20 February 2009
Obama - "His First Miracle"!
"And for my first miracle I will change this glass of milk into Guinness"!
Source - US White House - Snoop Bug Transmitter 3
Obama Poses The Question
"...and who would win a fight between Batman and T'Challa"?!
Source - about...time magazine - Issue 46664 February 2009.
J.C. Penny By Any Other Name
J.C. Penny reports a 51 percent loss in profits. The Federal Agency's Truth In Corporate Naming Department mandates that J.C. Penny change their name to J.C. Half Penny.
Republicans Can't Win
The republicans can't win these days. After Bernie Madoff cleaned up, over 10,000 of his formerly rich clients have now changed to democrats.
Washington Intelligence Up
Those congressmen still around after the last election say that Intelligence reports are 50% more accurate but still remains below that of the Sudan.
NYC : Snakes A Whopper
A boa constrictor that escaped a year ago in New York City is still on the loose. With all the big rats roaming the night streets, experts say that the snake should now be about 60 feet long.
Bill Couldn't Resist
Sec. of State Hillary Clinton, before leaving Japan, asked if there were any female sumo wrestlers and was told, "No." "Good replied Mrs. Clinton. My husband was here for three days ten years ago."
Airlines Decide Against Bailouts
Several leading airlines have announced that they will not need any more bailout money after all. Apparently the change occurred when they began charging airline pilots for their drinks.
Gangsters Remains Found
A group of archaeologists have discovered the remains of thirteen former gangsters while digging near the Las Vegas Pyramids.
Huge Fire Over China
A huge cloud is on fire over two industrial cities in The People's Republic of China. So far, the fire has been contained to the two clouds.
Obama Plays The Old Maid Card
During the campaign, it was said that Obama played the race card. When asked about it yesterday in Canada, Obama stated, "All I know is that I wound up with the Old Maid card, she's already moved in."
Al Sharpton Restrained
Al Sharpton went ape when someone told him to lighten up about the New York Post cartoon.
The US rock band Cheap Trick have released a new album.
They announced it at a naked press conference which some said was eponymous.
My belief in human nature has now reached an all time low.
Or maybe I've just got excessively Jaded over the last couple of days.
The British Meteorological Society is holding their Spring Picnic on Saturday.
It is to be held in the beautiful grounds of Knebworth House, Hertfordshire, or indoors if wet.
A horse got loose recently and ran through the streets of Paris.
Many citizens gave chase, claiming it was the elusive free lunch.
YouTube Gordon Brown
No, you really are a complete tube, Gordon.
Patient Reads During His Brain Surgery
A second patient has been able to read aloud to surgeons while undergoing brain surgery, mostly about "George and the Rabbits."
"Head 'Em Up, Move "Em Out!"
A former worker at WalMart says he blames the playing of the old theme music from Rawhide over the intercom as the chief cause of last Christmas' stampede at he store.
O.J. Doing O.K.
Prison guards at a minimum security prison in California say O.J. Simpson is doing fine, writing in his book and playing miniature golf most days.
Obama Stirring Crowds
Thousands cheered, stomped and applauded President Obama in Ottawa this morning as he spoke on being sure to brush and floss after every meal.
Gore Gives Loudest Speech Of Career
Al Gore gave his loudest, wildest speech against global warming in Miami yesterday, sometime reaching high C levels.
The Manatee Man
A well-known historian has announced that The Elephant Man should more-accurately been called, "The Manatee Man". Boy, that will surely open up a can of caterpillars.
"Cramp The Magnifiennt"
That Amazing Psychic, "Cramp The Magnificent" was filmed by the local news today as we were going into a restaurant, using his mental abilities to cause people to bend over forward as left Taco Bell.
The 'Bed' Diet
A young lady from Wolverhampton woke up this morning not very hungry at all. She confessd to having a roll and a turnover in bed?.
"Bhoy Oh Bhoy Obama"!
Pope Benedict XVI is to officially bless Barack Obama at the forth coming six nations fixture between Scotland and Italy at Murrayfield on 28th Feb.
Source - The Glasgow Herald - 20th February 2009.
Cornish is Extinct, experts say
The demise of Cornish in the south-west of England has been prompted by the soaring popularity of naturally-flavoured luxury vanilla.
"Obama Eyes Palace"!
Barack Obama wants to bear an heir to the English throne by having a lovechild to his dear friend Good Queen Bess II.
Source - London Evening Standard 20th February 2009.
Paternity tests
In order to reduce the work load on children in schools, paternity tests are to be replaced by an ongoing assessment instead. The pass rate is expected to rise.
A British Tourist compensated by Zimbabwe Robber
Vivian Smythe, a student from Leeds, was held at gunpoint in Harare. The thief stole £100, but felt sorry for Smythe and gave him his money back + several trillion Zimbabwe dollars to catch a train.
Simon & Gar To Tour
Paul Simon and Art Garfunkel are planning on doing a tour together this summer, according to Toby Tours, and will wind up in Britain viewing some beautiful gardens there.
U.S., Jakarta Stronger Ties
The United States pledged stronger Jakarta ties today, they're those bright green, red and yellow ones.
Taliban Send Pope Message
Pope Benedict XVI declared it an official miracle as his Swiss envoy to the Taliban made it all the way back to Rome minus his head, always a bad sign.
Obama's Canadian Speech
President Obama held the Canadian audience spellbound yesterday as he delivered his "I Had A Dream..That I Ate A Giant Marshmallow" speech to loud cheers and whistles!