Spoof news snippets from Monday 2 February 2009
IRA Jailing Dead People?
The Internal Revenue Service has admitted to sending over ten thousand income tax returns to dead people over the past five years. Request that they return funds or risk serving time in jail.
Punxsutawney Phil sees shadow, predicts six more weeks of bank, real estate, auto maker's bailouts.
Tea Drinkers Suffer
While a new study shows that regular coffee drinkers face a lower risk of dementia, tea drinkers eventually mad as hatters.
"Recent" Kim Jong-il Pix
North Korea has shown a recent photo of Kim Jong-il on the cover of every newspaper in the country. Kim looks well, youthful and apparently still in high school.
ExxonMobile Profits, Politicians Up
ExxonMobile reported a record $45 billion in profits and the purchasing of fifteen new politicians during 2008.
Window Shopper's Lament
Consumers are complaining to police authorities throughout America that while out window shopping, store employees come out and drag them inside.
Can't Toss Newspapers
Newspaper deliverers around the country say they can no longer toss newspapers into peoples yards as thin publication tends to sail in the wind.
Whales Sing While Mating
Whales apparently sing to cover sonar waves from submarines, especially while mating. Favorite song: "Row On Mama".
Now that Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae have their bailout money for housing, makers of Welcome mats show up in Washington to make their requests.
Never 'add it so good
It's not all doom and gloom in this recesssion - adding machine manufacturers report sales up 48% on a like-for-like, year-on-year basis.
Superbowl Coverage Cocked Up by Porno Movie
Arizona got a surprise when their TV coverage of the Super Bowl was interrupted by a pornographic film. The clip showed a woman unzipping a man's trousers, followed by a graphic act between the two.
Michael Phelps still does not suck
Despite drinking, dope smoking, vomiting and urinating in public, Parents Organizations still consider Michael Phelps a good role model for children.
Snow Casualties Innundate Hospitals
The snow has caused hospitals to be crammed with people requiring attention for fractures, sprains and bruises. PCTs are offering nurses to pray for them NOT!
Good Job No Third Runway
BAA officials are thankful that Heathrow Airport hasn't got a third runway yet - because snow would have closed that one too!
Presidential Attorneys Cancel Commercials
White House lawyers say that they are going to limit President Obama's commercial use. They have cancelled commercials for Diet Pepsi, Crest Toothpaste, the NBA, and KFC.
John Madden's Super Bowl Ejection
Tampa police arrested 26 and ejected 18 from The Super Bowl game including NBC color commentator John Madden who was ejected for talking too fast and too loud.
Punxsutawney Phil Is A No Show
With the nation's economy in such bad shape, Punxsutawney Phil has decided that he isn't coming out. An animal expert stated that Punxsutawney Phil is afraid someone will turn him into a meal.
Bruce Springsteen Treated and Released
Bruce Springsteen, 59, was treated and released at a local Tampa hospital immediately after performing at The Super Bowl halftime. Doctors told him to just rest his sore muscles for 17 days or so.
President Obama's New Dress Code
President Barack Obama told reporters that he will be relaxing the presidential dress code somewhat. He then took questions while wearing a 'Beyonce' t-shirt and boxer shorts.
New White House Dress Codes
The new White House dress codes have changed with the exception of Tuesday's Puffy Shirt/Pants Optional/ Electric Bowtie Day. They will remain the small as previous administrations.
Psychics Warn U.S., World
The NOP&P (National Order Of Physics And Prophets) warn that the United States as well as the rest of the world now face an uncertain future.
No More Bailouts?
A CPA Firm hired privately by the new White House has concluded that if the Swiss will hand over bank account number of American millionaires who haven't paid taxes, no more bailouts would be needed.
Multi-Orgasms For Men
Jailed Mormon polygamist Warren Jeffs will have a book coming out in the Spring on how men can achieve multi-orgasms.
Casinos May Be Nationalized
In a surprise announcement the United States has stated that, if necessary and for added funding of bailouts, they intend to nationalize all American Indian casinos. Who would have thought?
Iran Promises Counter-Attack
Iran has announced this morning that they will defend their nuclear facilities used only for electrical power with nuclear weapons if necessary.
Airlines Selling Ad Space
Several airlines are trying to raise more money by offering advertising space on the outsides of planes, ads on backs of seats, on the rear-ends of hostesses, puke bags.
Parky making a comeback...in cricket
Sir Michael Parkinson, a popular TV chat show host, is making a come back to public life by flagging his desire to play cricket for Yorkshire and put up his hand for national selection for England.
Obama to resign presidency noon tomorrow
President Barack Obama, US head of state, has announced that he will resign the Presidency at noon tomorrow in order to fend off any future or pending crises affecting his leadership during 2 terms.
Boneheads Incensed at Release of George Obama
Eager to link scandal to President Obama, right-wingers angry at release of his half-brother for suspicion of marijuana possession. They had already distorted the story to claims of drug trafficking.
Whispers from the House
Overheard in the House of Commons restaurant; "Gordon Brown is a shiite". The speaker was a Certain Serial Resigner and Dodgy Loan Arranger, a "homosexualist of the lowest order" to quote a friend.
Spurs sack "useless" Redknapp
Tottenham Hotspur FC have sacked manager Harry Redknapp with immediate effect and have installed Tony Adams as boss. A spokesman said Redknapp had been "useless". Adams is expected to stay 3 weeks.
Organ Grinder Arrested
A professional organ grinder in Trenton, New Jersey has been accused of the murder of seven people and the mutilation of victim's organs.
Firefighter Saves Three
Hero firefighter saves three CPR training dummies from burning fire station in Cleveland, Ohio last night!
Some Crops Up
The Secretary of Agriculture reports that, although the production of corn, oats and soybeans were down in 2008, hops jumped nearly ten percent.
War Pops Up Again
All-Out Nuclear War with over 100 exchanges and retaliations interrupts Middle East 24-hour peace agreement.
Gotta Know Your Mushrooms
Giggling, goofy, snorting cub scout leader points out which mushrooms are edible and which ones are deadly and which ones he's chomping on while dancing around campfire.
Miss America judge blown away by jumpy, bouncy answers to questions from Miss Tennessee!
A young astronomer studying at Princeton University has promised a beautiful co-ed the moon and the stars.
New Reality Show slammed.
A new reality TV show, in which blind superstars are teased, has been slammed by television watchdogs. The show, "Blind Panic", is being made by Channel 4 TV and fronted by Dale 'Satsuma' Winton.
Israel to Fund Palestinian Space Program
Israeli P.M. Ehud Olmert announced establishment of Palestinian Aeronautics and Space Administration (PASA), whose prime directive will be to establish a Palestinian homeland on the surface of Mars.