Spoof news snippets from Thursday 19 February 2009
Shilpa Shetty Asks for prayers for Goody
Bollywood actress Shilpa Shetty has asked for prayers for her friend Jade Goody. Such a gesture is illegal in Somerset.
Obama - Breaking News
Obama to buy into English Premiership football at West Ham United!
Source - US White House - Snoop Bug Transmitter 1
AFLAC Missing!!!
As insurance companies get hit hard on Wall Street also, a rumor circulated this morning claiming that Gilbert Gottfried has ducked out of his AFLAC contract.
Much Needed Vacation
In Chicago and Buffalo, New York reporters were picketing in the snow and cold today, demanding that President Obama take just one more vacation to Hawaii this winter.
Automotive Side Businesses
Both General Motors and Chrysler promised committee that they would help repay their government loans by also starting side businesses. Customers suggested lemon crops.
Keeping One Servant
President Obama said today that his housing bailout plan would help nine million families keep their homes and at least one servant, thus also helping the job market.
"Will Work For Weed"
Olympic Gold Medalist Michael Phelps, having lost celebrity endorsement contracts, seen walking the streets in tattered clothes with a cup for change and this pathetic message scrawled on cardboard.
Hey, That Ain't No "Baby On Board" Sign
A policeman in Oklahoma City pulled a man over because he had an anti-Obama sign displayed on his car window. The sign was confiscated. The policeman said that Senator McCain told him he was sorry.
"Nurse Bring Me The Beaker That Says 'Fertilized Egg.'"
Doctors in Japan are puzzled as to how a woman was inpregnated with the wrong egg. A hospital spokesman has said that they are investigating how the sunny side up egg got into the beaker.
Tatiana Del Toro Balls (The Reality Show Drama Queen)
Tatiana Del Toro, who is probably the most annoying person to ever appear on American Idol has been eliminated. After the show Tatiana was asked for a comment and she said, "Waaa! waaa! waaa! waaa!"
Don't Even Think About it!
Scientists have just discovered that people who think about Sex too much often lose their hearing. WHAT?!!!
Schwarzenegger To Become An Actor (Again)
Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger has finally figured out a way to solve California's mammoth money problems. Arnold will make three movies and donate his pay to the state.
Ann "Giraffe Legs" Coulter
A national men's magazine, has just named GOP mouthpiece Ann Coulter as 'The 2009 Woman With The Longest Legs and Tongue.'
McCain Takes His Football Home
Barbara Walters asked John McCain to appear on 'The View.' He declined her offer. A McCain aide said John is still mad that the last time he appeared, the cameraman kept zooming in on his combover.
New Jersey Is Earthquakin'
For the third time in three weeks, New Jersey has been rattled by an earthquake. Meanwhile Wyoming is bracing for a hurricane.
Alcohol effects
Scientists have published a report today, in the British Medical Journal. They claim Alcohol does not make you FAT -it makes you LEAN... against tables, chairs, floors, walls and ugly people.
Crime Figures
The new crime figures for Manchester were released today, but were stolen on-route to Greater Manchester Police HQ.
O'Brien Show To Move
Conan O'Brien's Late Night Show is leaving New York City for Los Angeles. Today Mayor Bloomberg, as a going away present, gave him the key to be silly.
"That's One Small Step...."
Like several presidents before him, Barack Obama made his first foreign trip today to Canada. He was followed by nearly 2000 people photographing his first step over the border for their scrapbooks.
Schwarzenegger Doing His Best
Several California state senators meeting to discuss the states $42 Billion shortfall say they think Governor Schwarzenegger is doing his best. It's just that no one can understand a word he's saying.
Old saying proves correct
"There's Indians in them thar hills", they used to say in Westerns. Now it's true - Akash and Amar Patel from Gujarat State, India, have opened a grocery store in Keystone, Nevada, elevation 6,800 ft.
Taliban in Pakistan
"If you cant beat em, join em", said Gen. Kiyani, after agreeing to the demands of extremists religous factions on the Pak-Afghan Border.
Pakistan President in sexual harrasment case
Pakistani President, Asif Ali Zardari, famous for hitting on Sarah Palin, was convicted of sexual harrasment this week when he kissed cheeks of China's first lady.