Spoof news snippets from Tuesday 17 February 2009
Return Of Bill The Cat
Sec. of State Hillary Clinton in Japan, said this morning that their Minister of Finance's resignation should not hurt the meeting, while Bill Clinton, who is in Seventh Heaven, couldn't be reached.
Lot Of Nuts Out There
Jesse Jackson was finally cornered yesterday and asked about his "I'd like to cut Obama's nuts out" statement during the campaign. Jackson explained he was merely referring to Obama's diverticulitis.
Once Nerd, Always Nerd
Forty-seven year old Star Trek fan still holding out for that Uhura-like special someone to come along.
"Lost Generation" Found
Reports from Miami this morning say that "The Lost Generation" have been spotted drifting in an old yacht just off the coast of the Florida Keys. Already asking about Hemingway, Gertrude Stein.
Interviewee Forgets teeth
In retrospect, Barack Obama's allowing his young daughters to answer questions during the election contrasted greatly with the one given by John McCain's 67-year-old daughter forgetting her teeth.
Missing Olympians Found
Both missing Cuban and Haitian Summer Olympic Swimming champions show up in Miami this morning. Immediately hired as lifeguards for this Spring.
Pot Calls Kettle Black
John Kerry told some reporters this morning that the only reason John McCain was nominated to run for president was because of his wife's money.
More Nixon Tapes Released
Just released Nixon White House tapes reveal a lot of singing and laughing and "For He's A Jolly Good Fellow" after farting contest won by Henry Kissinger.
Kwanzaa Gone Before You Know It
According to the latest reports, having already elected Barack Obama as President of the U.S. did not lead to extra Kwanzaa sales in January at all.
Trump Casinos file for Chapter 11 Bankruptcy Protection
Donald Trump said that the firms debts were $1.7 billion - but he was willing to go 'double or quits'.
It seems Michael Phelps will not now face drugs charges.
His infamous bong smoking picture did not incriminate him because he never said it was marijuana. He now hopes to regain cereal-making sponsor Klelogg by admitting he was smoking Special K.
Is It Oil Can Boyd or Oil Can't Boyd?
Pitcher Oil Can Boyd, 49, retired 10 years ago. He wants a chance to prove that he can still pitch in the 'Big Leagues.' He was tested for steroids and the results only showed Ben Gay and Icy Hot.
Lindsay "LiLo" Lohan Is Lookin' Skinny
Lindsay Lohan has lost a lot of weight lately. When a reporter asked her if it was due to the stress in her relationship with 'girlfriend' Samantha Ronson, LiLo replied, "YES! NO! MAYBE SO!"
Trump's Roulette Wheels Have $topped $pinning
Donald Trump's casino company, Trump Entertainment Resorts has filed for bankruptcy. The Don said that if the economy does not pick up soon, he may end up having to go on food stamps.
Salma "Got Milk" Hayek Weds
Salma Hayek, 42, weds French billionaire Francois-Henri Pinault, 46. He promises to buy her a dairy farm and she promises him no more trips to Africa.
The Matterhorn Is Melting Away
People are not visiting the Matterhorn. One local resident said it's due to global warming. His wife added, "people don't come to the Matterhorn no more and soon it won't matter no more."
Explosives haul missing in Gaza
The UN urges the return of an arms stockpile which disappeared while under Hamas control. Unnamed, hooded, Hamas spokesmen are reputed to have said; "It wasn't us, it was those Israelis of course!"
Church Scandal!
"I saw a Priest shag an inflatable child" claims reverend Green.
The FA has recently bowed to pressure and allowed girls to play for an Under-12s team.
Stevenage Colts Under-12s have appealed on age discrimination grounds to be allowed to play two 18-year-olds.
'Lost' van Dyck to get Public Showing
Mary Poppins 2 is in cinemas from Monday
US Congress Takes a Vacation
President Obama has issued Executive Orders declaring March 09 to be the beginning of summer. The US Congress will adjourn until September 09, which means no more spending legislation until fall.
President Chavez tops himself
President Hugo Chavez of Venezuala has committed suicide by decapitating himself using a raw chicken. Gourmet experts say that if he had fried the chicken it would have been more effective if messy.
Tony Blair Wins Million Dollar Leadership Prize
George Bush says it is OK for him to accept it.
Six Flags Not Waving Too Good
Six Flags, the amusement park company is really being hit hard by the economic crisis. Reports are that they are in the process of changing the name to Four Flags.
13-Year-Old Father's Good News, Bad News
The 13-year-old boy who fathered a baby with a 15-year-old girl has taken a DNA test. The results are in. The good news - he is the father. The bad news - he's really 27-years-old.
The New Jersey Earthquake
Central New Jersey was rattled by a 2.2 earthquake. There were reports of minor damage. But authorities are glad to announce that the earthquake did settle the states 900,000 landfills.
The French Submarine Was At Fault
A British and a French nuclear submarine collided under the Atlantic Ocean. The HMS Mick Jagger and the FS Plaster of Paris sustained some damage. The French sub did smell highly of Bordeaux Wine.
Chris Brown's Non-Parade
The We Love You Chris Brown Parade that was to have been held in his hometown of Tappahannock, Virginia next Friday has been cancelled. No official reason was given. Hmmmmm.
Madonna Tells Press Alex Rodriguez has 12" Penis
"See, they don't call him A Rod for nothing." Madonna tells reporters, "Though his balls are tiny and he has a hairy back."
Mediterranean Diet Problems
Thousands sickened on the Mediterranean Diet told to quit drinking salty water and begin eating fish and fresh vegetables!
New Starbuck's Hit!
New Starbucks flavor, "Just A Hint Of Old Ireland" an immediate hit with customers but book browsers say they're tired of stepping over coffee drinkers.
Antarctic Melting Having Far-Reaching Effects
Meteorologists report that the Antarctic's melting could lead to heavy flooding by next year in Topeka, Kansas.
Nader New Car Czar?
Ralph Nader has approached the President about the new position as Car Czar. "I could be completely impartial stated Nader, since I don't own one."
Maybe They Should Fill Out A Form First
President Obama loses still another cabinet position candidate due to their problems with taxes. He says he's now down to offering the next position to his mother-in-law.
Weaker Dollar Hurting Everyone
A weaker dollar has caused a terrific jam-up in slot machines in Las Vegas, Reno and on Casino boats.