Spoof news snippets from Sunday 1 February 2009
Nurse Suspended for Prayer Offer
A Somerset nurse has been suspended for offering to pray for a 77 year-old sick lady. "What if the patient got better?" said hospital bosses. "If everyone did that, there'd be no need for an NHS!"
First Lesbian PM for Iceland
Johanna Sigurdardottir, is now Iceland's prime minister. She is the first openly lesbian head of government in Europe and at 66 years-old is less likely to suffer from PMT.
Indecent Incident Keeps Police Busy
Someone has drilled peepholes in the fence around a Naturist Camp in woodland in Telford. West Mercia Police are looking into it.
Winner determined in annual panty ripping, bra stripping Lingerie Bowl
It was the male viewers.
George Obama, President's Half Brother, Arrested For Drug Trafficing
American television, radio, and print media do not report story for 4 days, and then bury it on last page of newspaper (CNN blames it on Republican party).
Late John Updike
The late John Updike, in a poem due to be published later this year, mused over his "overdue demise" being received with "a shrug and tearless eyes" beginning, "There was a dying man from Nantucket."
Nader Beat Bugs Easily
Another Gallop Poll, gathering info for future elections, says that Ralph Nader easily defeated "Bugs Bunny" write-ins in 2008 presidential election, but fell far behind "My Big Happy Ass".
New Pizza Shop Opens
Someone just opened "The Psychic Pizza Parlor" in Halifax. You don't even have to call to order it, and if it is delivered more than 30 minutes before you are hungry, the next one is free.
Enquirer Hires Three Former FBI Wiretappers
The National Enquirer has just signed three former FBI wire tappers to lucrative $5,000,000 three-year contact this morning.
"Geraldo Knows"
Be sure to catch "Geraldo Knows" tonight on Fox, opposite the Super Bowl. Tonight's feature, "How Communist China Is Deliberately Polluting & Contributing To Global Warming In Order To Sink Taiwan".
"Hollywood Airheads" Hit Of Season?
The pilot for new television quiz show "Hollywood Airheads" much funnier, according to test audience, than old show, "Hollywood Squares", especially with Dan Quayle in center square.
"Running Bear, Loved Little White Meat"
Thousands were badly injured and two eaten during Friday's first annual Wall Street's "Running Of The Bears".
Army Trying To Save
The United States Army has announced that, in order to save money, their second bomb-defusing robot will mostly be made up of the surviving parts of the first one.
South Full Of It
A new study by "Southern Living" shows that most people living in the southern United States are "Full as a tick".
Limbaugh to Square Off Against Kobayashi, Chestnut on Competitive Eating Circuit
Weighing more and claiming he can eat more than the Kodiak bear that beat Kobayashi in 2003, Limbaugh to attempt record for most hot dogs consumed in 12 minutes at Nathan's this July 4th.
Irony for Christina Aguilera
After practising her hit Candy Man in the mirror, Christina Aguilera was found in a sorry state. Police suspect some evil spirit may have appeared during the final lines and done the deed.
Miracle Reality Check
Remember while you are celebrating the so-called "miracle of Hudson River", which had nothing to do with pilot expertise, there is a flock of geese lying dead somewhere in Manhatton.
Fefe La Tush Rushed to Emergency Room
Fefe La Tush, Madame to the Stars, was rushed to Hollywood Hospital. Despondent over a declining investment portfolio she jumped off her bed, crashing through a mirrored ceiling in the brothel below.