Spoof news snippets from Saturday 5 December 2009
Jones, Carter Combine
Former President Jimmy Carter joins with Larry Jones "Feed The Children" to dynamite lakes during famine. New group's name: Halibut For Humanity".
Joe In Soho
Joe the Wino arrested in New York City after renting his old coat, fake identity and big cap to underage kids so they could buy alcohol.
The Age Of Romance
According to a new book, Neanderthal men used to fart in the face to bring women back to consciousness after double clubbing.
Free Verse stolen
A Barnes & Noble bookstore in Lincoln, Nebraska reports the theft of over 50 books of free verse. "If only they had came in and asked", states owner.
Stripping Teacher Proves to Be Youtube Sensation!
A 57-year-old supply teacher has been reprimanded for showing his raunchy 'manboobs' in front of a school class, has been a hit with YouTube. Many pupils were allegedly traumatised by the UGLY scenes.
David Cameron Has Been Misheard!
David Cameron promised that the number of UK troops in Afghanistan would be cut next year. Now he says that they are unlikely to be cut, but it is more likely that spending on equipment will be cut.
Ben Back
New video from Ben Ladin out where he says he enjoyed his trip to Mecca via the Bahamas.
Getting Own Back
After watching film of lone Chinese protester in Tiananmen Square, Chinese show lone American in front of WalMart crowd on Black Friday in Florida.
Mom & Daughter Working Together
Secretary of State Hillary reportedly helping Chelsea pick out wedding dress. Chelsea will then help her mom pick out her wedding pantsuit.
Bush Was Brief
Senior member of FBI tells Obama that President Bush refused a debriefing when first in office saying he's had enough of that in college.
The Mummy's Eyeballs!
A report out of Cairo, Egypt, is that an Egyptian undertaker must have hated his leader because what appears to be the mummy's eyes are apparently his balls.
Students Half Right
A new Health, Education & Welfare report states that only 50% of American students could name the last four presidents. Many included Martin Sheen.
Tonight On 60 Minutes
Obama let tongue get loose at beer conference according to police officer and told about FBI looking for hidden mikes in White House to get inside info, found Mike Wallace in old closet.
Iraq Explained
Obama girls find button in the Oval office where Bush Sr. tells son to "win one for the the old man".
Hurrying Back From Canada!
1960-70's selective service draft model to be used on selection of whom to bail out next!
One Last Assist Breaks Magic Johnson's Record
Body of Jack Kevorkian found in the remains of car and suicide bomber!
Polanski Punishment
Roman Polanski allowed to be placed under house arrest but threatened with the mother of all slaps on the wrist.
Climate change "a lot of hot air"
The Prime Minister has dismissed climate change protests taking place throughout the UK today, saying "It's a lot of hot air, and an ill wind that blows no good. They might as well do a raindance."
GMC For BHO!
President Obama says he really really hopes all General Motors workers will still be working and supporting him for re-election in 2012.
New Drug For Hyperactivity
Precious Pharmacy Lab spokesman announces a new drug for hyper kids that really, you know, oh, whatever.
Met Office to concentrate on bed pans
Public confidence in global warming has been so shattered by leaked e-mail scandal that Met Office is donating time on its supercomputer to design better bed pans.
"Horsey Gone!"
A 3-year-old boy has been reported to social workers after witness says he pulled wings off a fly & called it his 'horsey'. Dad defends son declaring that the fly dies immediately when son sits on it.
A New Outbreak
A new variety of swine flu has hit Jasper, Georgia. It has no symptoms & doctors say it may be impossible to stop because no one knows when they have it.
Seat Burned Out Back Later
Man banned from local library after complaints over his body odour after three found passed out while looking up ancestry.
A Srern Warning
Food inspectors tell restaurants that they need to be careful serving food that might cause someone to get choked.
"Television celebrities are paid silly money"
Gold Guilders, Portuguese Gold Coin, Double Eagle, Penny Farthings, threepence or thrupenny bits, and Ducats.
We Still Are
"Bush and Blair misled the public and it's conceivable both could end up on trial", claims official. "This has never happened before in the history of our people."
X-Fire at Santa Grotto
Folks duck for cover as Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer and Santa slug it out with .38 revolvers over a petty argument about unpaid Christmas bonuses
Reviews To Be Reviewed
Met Office to review 60 years of data amid claims figures were doctored to support climate change fears, doctoring of previews reviews.
Eye In The Sky!
Family taken to court for opening their bathroom window twice in five years, going out different door than the one they came in.
'Sign of the Times' version 2.1
British government minister tells everyone to get their Christmas drug orders in early this year because "Time is Running OUT in Afghanistan" - largest drug supplier to Europe.
Woods Took Sleeping Pills?
Tiger Woods 'took sleeping pills to spice up sex with mistress' Latest totals, Star 12, National Enquirer 8.
'Sign of the Times'
- Jobless to Be Offered Free Sex - UK Job Centres to offer Free Sex to encourage participation treasure (job) hunts.
Price Fixing?
The great Christmas shopping price fix: Millions paying up to twice as much depending on where they live as coal a lot cheaper in Newcastle.
A Natural Step
Woman gives birth on flight diverted to Denver as new type of "Mile High" group forms.
Somebody Else Gets Award
Nicolas Cage wins UN award for humanitarian work. Obama sends team of investigators.
Minority Doctors Needed
Surgeon general: More minority doctors needed here to take care of all these (beep) minorities.
Major Agreement Possible
Obama shifts Copenhagen trip as prospects brighten for possible ecological agreement on stepping over spiders.
If You Can't Beat 'Em, Eat "Em!
Decision soon on closing lock to stop Asian carp. "If this doesn't stop their spread", says President, "we'll get our best chefs to make them taste wonderful."
"It Can't Last!"
Unexpected drop in jobless rate, sales going well on Black Friday, sparks pessimism.
No War Protests?
President Obama gets little reaction to war plan. Cindy Sheehan: Just as long as it's a democrat sending the troops.
Colorado State May Totally Disarm
Colorado State University bans guns on campus. Still doing study on hand grenades.
Nets End Skids
Nets get 1st win, end 18-game skid to open season! "We were just as surprised as everyone else", states member of winning team.
Raven Followed Purchaser
Edgar Allen auction records set in New York City despite the coming family curse!
Senate After Big-Pay Yankees Next
Senate takes aim at insurance executive pay in continuing attack upon anyone in free enterprise that make more money than they do.
The Britneys Of War
Little resistance in new US-Afghan offensive. May as well send troops to one place as another. How about that final 'Monk' episode?
Saudi's Address Oil Addicts
Saudi oil minister: oil prices 'perfect'. "Don't want to be any greedier than we already are."
Obama Looking Really Long Range
Obama: Efforts aimed at economy's long-term health. "A hundred years from now, we'll all be dead anyway. Remember, you can't take it with you."
"They're Not Our Kind Of Monkeys"
Monkeys Recognize Their Pals in Photos! But completely ignore their new neighbors recently placed in second cage over.
Certainly No Party
Study Reveals the Angriest Americans: Those who's political party are out of power at the present.
The Baucus Debacle
Aide: Baucus nominated girlfriend for US attorney, mother for state supreme court and cat for small town mayor. I'm not telling how I got may job.
Britain's Skinniest Home Is for Sale with a £550,000 Price Tag
At only 66 inches wide, this des-res in Shepherd's Bush is on the market for £550,000. Estate agents say that it represents good value for money. It is believed that Kate Moss has shown an interest.
British blacks try and gain "street cred"
Long upset that they're regarded as queer or effeminate by their American black peers, two aspiring black musicians attempted to kill a pregnant 15 year old - but botched it. Others will have to try.
British family claims money does grow on trees
A family in Kent is in trouble for having 8,000 pounds of counterfeit pound coins in their possession. "That's almost $12,000 in real money", a U.S. spokesman said.
Pope Benedict features Tupac song
Pope Benedict, the world's best known former member of Hitler's Jungfolk, has found an artist he identifies with. Tupac. "Yeah, I was down wit' dat song about smokin' crack", he said.
Rudy Giuliani demands recount
In a hotly contested NYC mayoral campaign, Rudy, with ten write in votes is contesting the 25 votes that wealthy industrialist C. Montgomery Burns is said to have received. Mr. Burns had no comment.
Amanda Knox found guilty
She and approximately 2,742,922 other defendents in cases going on around the world, were found guilty today. Another couple of million were found not guilty. Why it's news is a mystery.
Sarah Palin joins Orly Taitz
She says that asking if Obama is a Kenyan is "fair game". It's believed that she is saying that because she was scared that she still had a bit of credibility left. The fear was groundless.
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