Spoof news snippets from Thursday 3 December 2009
Family Waiting Patiently
Family not worrying when but if great grandfather will die. "Hey, who's turn to take out the shit bucket?"
Intellgence Report Different
CIA Intelligence totally disagrees with FBI Intelligence but strangely, 100% with the old loudmouth at the bar last night!
Favre Away From Minesota
Brett Favre was apparently kidnapped last night and seen headed toward Detroit with a hood over his head.
Chelsea To Wed
Chelsea Clinton is getting married. Hillary Is planning a big wedding while Bill is planning a big bachelor party.
Man's letter to Santa finally gets and answer. After 50 years, he's going to get a puppy.
"Barbee Makes Her Own Sex Video" Dolls being pulled from Toys 'R Us shelves as it is revealed to be a Chinese Knockoff.
No Use Running The Thing
Chevy 2010 Tahoe fails crash test when guy who's going send it into wall at 25MPH first leans on the hood!
First Signals From Space
The first signal from outer space has come in and id apparently a black & white sitcom called "E Liv Looki".
Won't Even Advertise It!
Mable McDonald says she has lost over 35 pounds this past year while eating Ronald.
Mexico City has became the first to combine Viagra with Mexican jumping beans. Old farts are jumping into bed right now as we speak.
Another Economic Meltdown
More bad economic news as "The View A Decaying Corpse Channel" has fired all it's employees and will completely close down just as soon as the present one's right ear is eaten.
Santa's Got Competition
The US Post Office says that for the first time ever, more Santa Claus wish list letters are addressed to Washinton than to the North Pole!
Bush Bringing Update
Former President Bush says he will meet with President Obama next week to brief him on the situation inside his pants.
Biden Moving On Up!
In other news today, President Barack Obama hit his head when climbing aboard a helicopter this morning and is now a gibbering idiot.
Karzai: Call Me Poppa!
Afghan President Hamid Karzai announced this morning that he will personally see to the new 30,000 US troops arriving there soon.
Manson Receiving New Messages?
One of the guards at Corcoran Prison says that there is a voice coming from Charles Manson's cell that sounds just like his late grandmother.
Hillary Has New Book
Hillary Clinton was was interviewed about Chelsea's upcoming wedding yesterday. She also talked about her upcoming book, "It Takes All Kinds!"
Obama Finishes Second
In a new Gallup Poll conducted last week, Barack Obama's ears came in second to those of Prince Charles. Third was Dumbo the Elephant.
The Nigerian Worm Out
Latest from the FBI is that there is a new worm virus out that makes you come down with a virus that causes your worm to shrink. Originated by Nigerians, who will sell you the cure.
Dutch navy consisting of a Viking Longship and leaky rowing boat arrests Somalian pirates
The amazing Dutch Navy have arrested Somalian pirates with only a Viking Longship and a rubber dinghy.
Their other vessel, a leaky rowing boat, patrols Amsterdam's canals fishing for Junkies!
Elin Confronts Tiger
Elin Woods tells friends she had to confront Tiger because he had nearly worn out his putter.
Strolling Bone, Ron Wood is arrested for looking like a "stiff" but not having one!
Ronnie Wood looks like a "Stiff" but fails to get it "Stiff" His young "Russian BIT" laughed at him so he kicked his cat and was promptly arrested for assault, Keith Richards died laughing!
NKorean Finally Successful
North Korean missile finally misses the ocean and hits the broad side of a barn.
Old Claude Is Gone
Well known paleontologist Claude Underground takes a dirt bath at the age of 82.
"Living Breasts" Selling Mostly To Boobs
Scientists who created the "living breasts" in lab to go with "living bra", say they are mostly being bought by single men still living at home.
Often Booked By Mistake
"The Blue-Eyed Peas" say they are mostly doing Country & Western at ski lodges.
Lead By "Sacred" Leader
Driver unearths giant skull of 6ft 'cow' which roamed the country 7,500 years ago when cows ruled the earth.
Most Bartenders Agree
Super-strength 18% beer banned in UK 'for promoting excessive drinking', passing of super gas!
Labour Candidate Out
Labour candidate sacked after branding the Queen 'vermin'. Claims he meant to say, "Your Vermin Highness".
Pakistani PM Pissed
Gordon Brown publicly rebuked by Pakistani PM as he denies Osama bin Laden is hiding in his country. "He's probably driving a cab in US or Britain."
Biden Poo Poos Curse
VP Joe Biden says he was not afraid of any curse after taking his family to King Tut exhibit. "We saw Abraham Lincoln's birthplace in Kentucky and every person who ever met him has died."
CSI: Miami uncovers evidence in Tiger Woods case
Vaginal fluid traces on golf clubs prove Tiger's putter isn't the only thing touching his balls.
Also, Gremlin Sitting On Wing
Terrified passengers force open emergency doors and jump from plane after spotting smoke coming from engine's exhaust. Few injured, most just exhausted.
Law enforcement offices assign CSI: Miami to take over Tiger Woods' accident investigation
Horatio Cain wants to make sure all photographs of him are from his good side.
Iran's Next Trick: Low Earth Orbit Weapon Platform
"For civilian use only", said Iranian leader.
Greenpeace Disputes Claim
Greenpeace announced today that it is not true that their new emblem has Herman Munster on it, but still Kermit The Frog.
Global Warming - for the birds
Turns out that East Anglia University global warming theorists had a theory that the world was going to end this time last Tuesday, just after dinner.
Sarkozy Wuzzies Out!
Sarkozy cancels London visit after invoking wrath of City over EU 'takeover' plan. "I have a sudden headache."
Wikipedia Really Getting Detailed
Wikipedia ordered to reveal identity of 'editor' accused of blackmailing mother and child. Responds: Look It Up!
Wine Limited Further
Drink-drive limit may be cut to a single glass of wine. No limits, tests on meth.
Uchitel On Woods
Nightclub hostess Rachel Uchitel to go pubic on relationship with Tiger Woods. "Since everybody else seems to be doing it."
Delta Changing Rules
Delta executive urges restraint on capacity as children over 12 no longer allowed to sit in laps.
Poe Book To Be Auctioned
Rare 1st Poe book could fetch record at NY auction but author lived in Poeverty.
Paul McCartney takes Meat-Free Monday to EU. Riots break out in the streets of Paris.
Kayne Apologizes Once Again
Kayne again apologizes as Swift talks Grammy joy. "Swift looked so Lilliputian up there."
Pulitzer Prize Eyeing Skoob's Work
The Pulitzer Prize board announced Wednesday that it will open its doors wider to journalism entries from online-only news publications, especially British writer, Skoob.
NBC Looking For Entertainment
Comcast aims to reshape entertainment with NBC. "There has GOT to be better shows than these out there somewhere", states CEO.
Thought Controlled Robotic Hand
Experts: Man controlled robotic hand with thoughts. Sent it crawling like a big white spider towards it's intended victim.
Carp Headed North
Fears mount over giant carp reaching Great Lakes and spooking "Bessie" at Grand Marais.
Get Out The Snowmobiles!
Ted Turner gets OK for Yellowstone bison on ranch. Big barbecue this winter.
Just In Case
Analysis: Afghanistan pullout date not definite. Factor in plus/minus 20 more years.
Fort Hood suspect charged with attempted murder. "Ripley's Believe It Or Not", did you hear this one?
Doomed To Repeat
Analysis: Obama borrows Soviet's Afghan endgame. Two dozen countries before that.
November Was Sluggish
Early retail reports suggest sluggish November, especially those on low-fiber diets, had too much tryptophan.
Former top-ranked tennis player Mauresmo retires to spend more time "playing a little golf".
New Health Poll
Most in the U.S. want pubic health option according to the latest poll.
Tiger Woods, John Daly to join President Obama at Fart Conference. No beer this time.
Tiger Admits "Failings"
Tiger Woods: 'Personal failings' (translated: screwing around) let family down.
WalMart Settles Suit
Wal-Mart Stores Inc. has agreed to pay $40 million to 87,500 Mass. employees who claimed the retailer denied them rest, piss breaks, meals breaks & refused overtime pay, pointed at them & laughed.
Grandfather: This Is Chucky, Baby!
Poll finds sexting common among young people. Older people studying hard in pretending to be young.
The Mega-Tower Of Dubai
Dubai's mega-tower 'last hurrah' to age of excess. Now the people's language is gibberish to each other and they are scattering.
Shoes On Other Foot
Congress appears poised to back Obama war plan. Hillary, Reid, Pelosi..everyone who opposed and condemned George Bush war plan.
Obama's Job Conference
Obama rejoining economic debate with jobs summit. "I'd like to hire some White House, Senate and House jesters to cheer people up and get rid of this grim reality."
Bank of America says it will soon repay it's $45,000,000,000
federal bailout loan...using "Give-away" toasters instead of cash.
ASPCA finds home for "Chelsea"
Chelsea, a mixed breed mutt from D.C., has been found a home by the ASPCA. A Mark Mezinsky saw the ad in the Pennysaver, and offered to take her in. He's promised to toss a bone to her sire, too.
Right To Defend Ourselves
The National Rife Association says they will not support the banning of the private ownership of dirty bombs.
Always Gets The Breaks
Oprah looking forward to retiring from daytime show purchases Dubai at a bargain.
Former president Bush says troops tried to catch Ben Laden early on by having everyone shave beards. Apparently Ben Ladin shaved his also.
Looking For Mash Pit!
"Buy Nothing" people out with others on Black Friday. "Oh, we don't buy. We just love rubbing on people, especially Joe."
Pardoned White House turkey headed for Afghanistan with 30,000 soldiers. First to volunteer after new lease on life!
Buddhist Wise Man
Buddhist priest interviewed on PBS about philosophy of eating very little, replies. "We poor. I could eat a goat's ass just about now!"
Jobs For The USA
President Obama vows to bring jobs sent overseas back in the U.S. With government support, you want hear Indian men and women on your phone orders but a native Kentuckian's "Whut ya'll want?"
Homeless: "We Don't Want Your Pity Charity"
The homeless are fed up with pity charity. Creepy Chris, a spokesman, asks instead that people simply throw their food and money in the trash so the homeless can root around for it with dignity.
Man Breaks Lamp During Argument with Wife, Outraged Nation Demands Explanation
"If he didn't want to be in the publice eye, he never should have been born," said one political commentator, capturing the sentiments of the globe.
Keep Obama Safe, Please
Vice President Joe Biden: "They say that everyone in this world has a double and the FBI just informed me that I have two in Florida."
Cell Phone Crackdown
New theater seats automatically electrocute anyone who's cell phone rings during movie.
Putin On The Blitz
Prime Minister, Vladimir Putin announces that he may soon resign to spend more time before his mirror.
Snowmobile couple claims they were attacked by Eskimos while trying to study their mating habits.
Spoof Writer silent about Tiger
"It's inappropriate for me to confirm or deny my involvement with that hot hunk of asian dark meat right now", I said today. "I need to focus on my job, at least until weighing the tabloid offers."
There's A Limit!
Lady wearing thong at airport objects to being photoed by x-ray machine.
Tragedy has struck again, this time at a Mall in Wisconsin, where a fat Santa got up for a break and a kid was discovered in the crack of his ass.
Tattoo keeps man out of Air Force
A man was denied enlistment, simply for having "I fucked your camel while Allah watched" tattooed in Arabic on his arm. The swastika on his forehead and "Fuck Obama" on his chest didn't help either.
California charity claims robbery
Just in time to milk a lot more donations out of suckers, a charity claims that someone stole several tons of toys and food from them, without them noticing. They ask that you dig extra deep now.
Princess Ardala denies sleeping with Tiger
She says Buck Rogers is the only man for her and denies sleeping with Tigerman, her bodyguard best known for helping Buck escape her amorous clutches. Another Tiger, an Earthling, had no comment.
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