Spoof news snippets from Thursday 10 December 2009
Serena Williams Announces Penning of New Book
Promises if you don't buy it she will club you with her racket.
Goldman Sachs Executives Won't Get 2009 Cash Bonus
Instead the 2010 bonus will be doubled.
Eat On The Poop Deck!
Caribbean Cruises introduces the "Eat All You Want", get the ship shits, and still lose weight, cruises with rough waters cuisine.
KFC's Free Range Chicken
Free range chicken limited in their environment as many more turn up on restaurant menus.
Tiger Quits PGA; Joins LPGA
Says he is looking forward to being in a foursome with Pressel, Kerr and Blomqvist.
Polar bears say, "Chill out, man."
A spokesbear has released a statement in which it is asked that people not fight against global warming or melting ice caps. "Any idea how cold it's been up here?", he asked. "Leave it alone."
Cable, Not Kelly Hired as Notre Dame Coach
Both were in the same office when the announcement was made of the Kelly hiring. Reports have Cable knocking out the ND Athletic Director and announcing himself as coach and Al Davis as the new AD.
Asian Carp to Invade Great Lakes
Michigan files law suit to stop them.
Gays Change Of Heart
Married Gays regretting it big time as constant complaint, "You don't OWN Mr, Mister!"
Also "When Will I Be More To Love?"
Linda Ronstadt, now 240 pounds, opens fundraiser with "A Different Bum!"
Bin Laden Addresses Copenhagen
Today's guest speaker at Copenhagen: Osama Bin Laden. "How To Use Few Carbon Footprints By Living In A Cave!"
We Need More Wome Astronauts
Female astronauts encouraged to help change piss into water machine into making milkshakes.
Guantanamo Prisoners More Dangerous Now
U.S. troops at Guantanamo say that detainees there more dangerous than ever since developing gills after two years of water boarding.
Terrorists Using "Dog Ass" Again
Airport searchers say new "Instant Dog Ass" spray confusing the dogs they use to sniff out drugs, bombs.
One, Two Punch!
President hoping that Kwanzaa sales on December 26thm, the day after Christmas this year, will help get economy jumping.
Production Of Hops Up!
Experts say that the sale of alcohol and the number of people going to movies are up, just like during the depression. Hop farmers say they've seen a jump in production.
Things Are Tough All Over
Indian casinos report number of victims...visitors down. Few Chinese bow & arrows being sold.
Scotland declare war on England for attempting to nick their "holy water"
Scotland and England are officially at war, the English have attempted to make SCOTCH, Scottish rebels, well pissed are gathering on Hadrians Wall lead by Sir Johnnie Walker, I prefer black please!
Mideast Truce Ends
Massive shoe exchange on the West Bank brings 12-hour truce between Israelis and Palestinians to an end!
"Road Beef" is New Acronymn for Tiger's Gal Pals
It certainly brings a new image to mind compared to the older and more commonly used "overcooked snapper".
O'Bama Expands "No Child Left Behind" Program
President O'Bama announced he is expanding the "No Child Left Behind" program to include young adults. It will now be referred to as "No Underachiever Left Without A Worthless University Degree".
What with new carbon taxes, new punative taxes, and Obama still giving big handouts to Wall Street
- we needn't be worried about having reduced Medicare coverage - we will be wasted away by new taxes.
Obama cleans up the "PEACES" in Oslo, WHY?
Oslo today honoured the fab US President, nobody apart from the fine and "Nobel" know why, Bin Laden has protested by again blowing Baghdad into a thousand "PEACES"
If you see a firework going off in the MidWest - just know
you are witnessing another American small business bite the dust under "Obama Care".
Even Putin Says Obama is Screwing up the US economy
what's left of it
Give the President 'more time' to fix the economy
as in 'screw up the US economy' thereby rendering it 'prime for further government takeover'.
If you r an American and still have a job this time next year
Either you are working for the government or you emigrated out of the USA
'If you got no one'
President Obama has a tax lined up for you.
'Change that we can believe in'
American small businesses are going to the wall - under Obama's 'watchful caring eye'. And so go American jobs.
Obama Cares 'more or less' depending on the subject matter
President Obama is to American small business what a plant eater is to eating raw meat.
Copenhagen - how snow of you
Hey, better Copenhagen than the snow blizzards sweeping across America's MidWest.
O'Bama Redefines Nobel Peace Prize
says war is peace and peace is war, thereby making him the man for all political parties regardless of ideology. Accordingly, the mind boggled Oslo's gave him the trophy.
Statue Miracle A Sign?
Thousands of the faithful surround the farting statue of Tiger Woods. "It's a miracle!", says golf addict.
US To Supply WMD's
President Obama says that troops may not leave Iraq, Afghanistan until we give them enough WMD to defend themselves.
"Yes It Is!"
The Rolling Stones new album, "The AARP Is On My Side" selling well to AARP members.
Rosetta Stone gets real
Rosetta Stone has released a teach yourself Tourettes course.
It's fucking great !!!!
They Know They've Had It!
"Open Bottom" long-handled underwear is trying to hush me up", claims a very nervous Al Gore.
A Classic Emerges
A new film has surfaced that shows Marilyn Monroe smoking pot, aging Groucho Marx sitting on one.
Willing To Share With Government
The Pfizer Company, makers of Viagra, award their CEO with a huge boner.
UK Politicians Prepare to Leave Earth.
Most United Kingdom politicians are preparing to leave the Earth by creating the UK Space Agency. Most are not on this planet anyway! Besides there is such a bad atmosphere with the electorate.
"Had A Cold, Man"
David Crosby fans concerned he's back on the dope as he mostly barked throughout his show with Graham Nash last night.
Never Be A Politician
Man who was finally cured of fear of public speaking stutters his way through tomato barrage!
Lincoln To Get Lobotomy
The top of Abraham Lincoln's head to be removed as sacred Indian Burial site discovered on Mount Rushmore!
Get The Diapers Ready!
The Rolling Stones are back on the road as Keith Richards nearly covered with moss. The "It's All Over Now" tour to begin in the Spring.
Another Medical First
Team of surgeons successfully remove woman's penis. Claims she doesn't know how it ever got in there to begin with, "shouldn't have waited this long".
Here $100, Get Them Off The Air!
National Public Television's latest money raising 2 weeks will feature the get-together of those things in Charles Manson's head. No one knows what will happen but many expected to give money to them.
Russians on their latest ICBM rocket launch failure
"It doesn't work."
Hillary Clinton Converts - Now a Muslim
Hillary Clinton converted from Jewish Fraudster to Mohammedan Flockster. When asked by reporters "why the switch", Hillary said she asked Mohammad to show her the money. He did, and now they are one.
Who Speaks for Thomas the Tank Engine?
Fearing it may never fire up its boiler again, Thomas the Tank Engine worries that global warming theorists and the UN will shut it down for good
Mortgage Lending Up
Mortgage lending hits highest level in two years as Bank keeps interest rates on hold at 0.5%. Yet to see any payments.
Blue Light Explained
Mystery solved? Norway's spiral light display 'was down to a failed Russian Bulava missile test' "Missed UFO completely", states military expert.
Flatscreen TV owners, farmers with cows warning following rise in number of children injured by 'tip-overs'
BBC Under Fire!
BBC under fire from viewers over 'watered down' quality of HD channels. "Need more water when under fire", argues BBC.
Baby Face A Genius
University challenge: Baby-faced 12-year-old genius starts maths degree, string of bank robberies. Young Nelson no kin to Willie, say police.
Don't Drink & Ski
'Don't drink and ski': Britons told to stay sober after rash of fatal tree hugs.
They've Nothing Else To Do
Police fury as officers are banned from changing lightbulbs or ordering toiler paper without filling out forms. "Too much toilet paper wastes trees", say officials.
Grandma Hoodie Caught
Arthritic great-grandmother ordered to remove 'hoodie' in shopping center yob crackdown. Says she's the grandmother of all yobs!
Elin Woods Recieves Apologies
Elin Woods receives an apology at last, not from Tiger, but from mistress number three, rainy day women #12 & 35.
Facts On Tax
Pre-Budget report: Bankers, those running businesses, hiring workers, plan mass exodus from London to avoid Darling's supertax on bonuses.
MPs expenses: How Gordon Brown claimed £2,700 to redecorate his downstairs toilet and turd collection.
Woods Scandal A Boost!
Woods scandal a boon to Internet publications! However, no one on TheSpoof has sunk so low as to report on this.
Announcement: Solar Energy Now Available
Solar power coming to a store near you. Scientists say glass windows can help bring in the sun's heat, tight in your own home, automobile!
Ruling On Polanski Case
Court to rule if Polanski can fight case from afar, or, in case of death, a fire!
We're Never Wrong!
1,700 UK scientists back climate science, that there's a Plesiosaur that still lurks in Loch Ness, last Coelacanth disappeared ten million years ago.
Finally Figured It Out
WWII veteran had Hitler's art book, framed photo of himself, on bookshelf all these years. "If only I had known they were his."
Obama: Afghanistan troop drawdown won't be steep. Still, US should be out in three years.
Money Is The Answer
State reports from all programs call for more state funding, every last one of them.
We're Ready For It
Frigid temperatures follow heavy snow into Midwest as millions say they will fight FOR global warming!
Calif. Prison Riot
Officials: Gang rivalry, performance by Adam Lambert on TV led to California prison riot.
"Low Cost Could Ruin Us!"
Showdown vote nears on importing low-cost drugs as thousands of drug dealers sweat it out.
College Higher, Less Important!
College Degrees More Expensive, Worth Less in Job Market as many going back to the old school of hard knocks.
California has more Chihuahuas than it can handle, and it has Hollywood to blame. "It was those stupid 'Taco Bell Dog' commercials."
No More Import Drugs?
Showdown vote nears on importing low-cost drugs, walls to keep US citizens out of Canada, Mexico, oceans.
Mars, Moon Have Peace
Speaker at Copenhagen says nuclear weapons, not global warming, may get the final Nobel Peace Prize as "peace will come when we're all dead."
Peace Via War
President Obama says sending in 30,000 more troops are all a part of winning the Nobel Peace Price. "We are trying to keep peace by sending our soldiers everywhere.
O'Bama Set For Oslo For Peace Prize Ceremony
Will depart Oslo for two week tour with military generals for war reviews in Iraq, Afghanistan and Pakistan.
Woods Says He Feared Being Wanted Only For Fame
So instead, Woods proceeded carefully and found a ton of better gal pals who wanted only his MONEY.
O'Bama Calls For Bipartisan Effort To Create Jobs
Er... didn't he mean "Bipartisan Effort To Create More Welfare?
Ukraine Cuts $ 2.5B Arms Deal With Iraq
US Taxpayer monies used to fund Iraq.
'Tis the Season to be Jolly, fa la la la la la la la la.
US Treasury Announces $ 100B in losses to AIG and Auto Companies
Of course in the announcement they forgot to say that the losses were those of the taxpayers.
'Tis the season to be jolly, fa la la la, la la la la.
Happy Holidays Everyone!
Global Warming Soon
Copenhagen Conference: We have six months to get ready, as it will begin warm-up that soon.
He's Gone Off!
Former Vice President Cheney says he's tired of pacemakers, going to see the Wizard.
Chinese-made lead mine detectors are now being recalled from Middle East.
Getting The Cold Shoulder
Hearse driver, undertaker, director say that their clients are just like family to them...especially the wives.
Just Like Fake Ski Snow
Shell Oil announced today that they have perfected a way to make artificial glaciers!
Didn't Really Think It Through
Surprise birthday party shout and light give mine remover a heart attack in Afghanistan.
Family Way Eats
New Family Way Restaurant opening in Nashville, Tennessee specializes in ice cream, pickles.
Look! A Spider!
Big Tobacco: We don't have time to worry about silly chemicals in cigarettes when global warming is going to get us all!
Milwaukee man who was supposed to have 24-hour protection has been found dead in Utah, with a bottle of roll-on deodorant stuffed up his ass.
Paul Harvey Missing
Harvey, one of the Keebler elves, is missing after going out to take a leak last night. Plant manager believes an owl got him.
Wart Remover A Bonus!
Ambulances in the southern US are ordered to have at least one faith-healer aboard who can stop blood.
No Lucky Penny
Bum in park overheard saying, "This lucky penny I found in that dog poo ain't worth shit."
Just Being Neighborly
In North Carolina, the mummified remains of a man was found by police after next door neighbor said he noticed newspapers and mail had completely covered the man's front porch.
Segway Speed Record
Bridgeport, Connecticut man sets segway speed record after shirt gets snagged on passing pickup truck.
Clones From Mexico?
Mexico objects to US cloning saying clones will work for food and a place to sleep only. Come to think of it, that's what we do.
Get Spoof News in your email inbox!