Spoof news snippets from Friday 7 August 2009
Obama: Worse Behind Us
US President Obama said a better than expected job report may signal that the worst "may be behind us. But that doesn't mean it don't stink!"
Cuba Wiped Out!
Cash-strapped Cuba says toilet paper running short as many have resorted to cigar-making tobacco leaves.
No Sense Of Humor
Newport, Rhode Island pastor who enjoys an occasional joke, fired by all five whoopie-cushioned deacons.
World Of Shit!
Airplane Terrorist gets the runs just before the plane leaves, blowing up just as he sat on commode. All three airport janitors resign.
Copy Cat Killer Convicted
Convicted Copy-Cat Killer to be executed right after the original killer in the same chair.
Probably More Around
To their horror, Greenpeace snoopers find 100,000 unsold Time Magazines with front page photo of Obama in land fill.
A Little Tourist Extra
New York City tourists don't realize that the man trying to catch the tour bus falling after his pants suddenly drop is a part of the tour.
Obama Ignores Criticism
President Barack Hussein Obama refuses to dignify any remarks of his being snooty, elitist!
Banned Book Attraction
Eighteen-year-old David Johnson of New Albany, Indiana becomes 10,000th student to completely read all the banned books from school libraries.
Janitor Looking For Excitement
School janitor is accused of sprinkling granddaddy long legs spiders in women's volleyball gym shower.
To Balance Things Out
Computer says that the next US Supreme Court Justice should be either a Mormon Native American or a Gay Eskimo.
Artist In Spotlight
A talented artist suffering from a rare personality disorder produces 12 different kinds of paintings depending on which personality is 'in control', is turning a few heads.
Sunseekers Driven Buggy
Sunseekers run for cover as millions of ladybirds swarm over seaside resorts, bugging bathers and lifeguards alike.
Obama Names 128 U.S. Cities As "NO FART ZONES"
"Farting in one of the biggest threats to the environment, and it must stop," said the President. "We selected the worst offending cities," he said. There will be a $1000 fine per fart or jail time.
"A Hunka, Hunka Burning Love"
Greek 'heroine' who 'set fire to drunk Briton's genitals' with a flaming Sambuca to stand trial.
Modern Parents Better
Modern parents may be more stressed but they are doing a much better job than their predecessors, those cannibalistic Neanderthals, study claims.
31 Announcements, 32 Minute Journey
Train passengers bombarded with 31 announcements on 32-minute journey, miss first five stops while listening carefully.
Another Monkey Trial
Taxpayer funds £20,000 court case to prosecute man for stealing 25p banana, and he is found not guilty. Prosecutor may apeel the verdict.
Clinton Admits Fear
Former President Bill Clinton admits that he was a little bit afraid during his discussion with North Korean leader Kim Jong Il after Kim described something as "being no bigger than a head basket".
Earth Not All That Warming
World's temperatures have only reason one half of a degree in the past 200 years say team of scientists. Gore demands a recount!
Fewer Cur Than Expected
US cuts fewer jobs than expected. Tiger Woods cuts fewer farts than expected.
More Against Obama's Health Care Plan
Ventriloquists' Dummies shout down Senator making speech in favor of socialize medicine. Say they're tired of all the double-talk.
Missouri Man Does Not Have Bird Flu
Clinton County, Missouri man does not have the Bird Flu says doctor. Town had him tarred and feathered for stealing a chicken.
Forty Years Ago Today
Forty years ago today, one of the pop world's most infamous and imitated album covers was shot in a little side street in north London as the Fab Four, with Paul already dead, crossed Abbey Road.
More Of Clinton's Work
A pregnant Briton jailed for life in Laos for heroin smuggling has arrived back in the UK. Yep, it was the work of Bill Clinton once again.
Military Improving Defence
Plans to improve defence orders by the military awaiting the arrival of defence posts.
There's A Train A-Coming
Great Train Robber Ronnie Biggs has been formally released from prison after being granted freedom on compassionate grounds and live out the rest of his days upon the Peace Train.
Doctor Cleared Of Bombing
The Home Office is no longer seeking to deport a doctor cleared of plotting the failed car bomb attacks on London and Glasgow Airport. "Just so long as he plotted it to fail."
The Beet Goes On
Drinking beetroot juice boosts stamina and could help people exercise for up to 16% longer, a UK study suggests, "as long as you're exercising at a steady beet."
Cannibalism Theory
Cannibalism theory over British bone-find. Argument over who found the bone led one archeologist to apparently eat his rival, say police.
Massive Website Attacks
'Massive attack' strikes many websites but so far, The Poof has escaped without cucumbers.
Abdul Receiving Many Offers
Abdul says she's receiving 'many wonderful' offers since announcing her departure from 'American Idol', a few of them from TV networks, movies.
NFL Cutting Down On Tweets
Some NFL teams clamp down on tweets. Several linemen say that if they can't have their special tweets like tandy bars, they're going back home.
Hackers Attack Twitter, Facebook
Hackers attack Twitter, Facebook also slows down with many photographs sporting big handlebar mustaches.
Two More Tough Years In Afghanistan
Adviser: US has 2 more tough years in Afghanistan. After that, mostly fair to middling years during next 25.
Nurse Of The Year No Nurse?
'Nurse of the Year' charged with not being a nurse. Number of males protest, "Give her the award. She sure nursed us!"
Swine Flu Advice
Feds to issue new swine flu advice to schools. "Kids, take our warning seriously, and Just Say No!"
Clunkers Await Being Disposed Of
Long lines of clunkers await being killed at scrap yards and so are their old cars.
A Complete Coincidence
Leading Democrat in the House who has rebuffed Republican efforts to subpoena records of a mortgage program for favored borrowers at Countrywide Financial Corp, got HIS home loans from that lender.
Women Drinking More
Experts: Women are drinking more, number of DUIs are up and so are their skirts.
Another Salmonella Outbreak
USDA: Salmonella illnesses prompt major beef recall, also all those baby salmon, just to be on the safe side.
Fewer Layoffs Expected
Fewer layoffs expected says the US Department of Labor, as not all that many people still have their jobs.
Pakistan Looking Ahead
Pakistan says Taliban chief is probably dead. At $5Million bounty on his head, a huge head search is now under way.
Congress Gives US Taxpayers the Bird
Congress has just spent $120m on private jet airplanes, like auto CEO's! Taxpayers are paying for this "pork" while they figure out where to get $50 to pay for their kid's back to school sneakers.
US Environmental Groups to Boycott H1N1 Flu Vaccine
Environmentalists will not take the H1N1 vaccine in the fall. A spokesman said "the product is made with non-green energy or energy is used to ship vaccines from abroad, we must sacrifice ourselves."
ACLU Sues on Behalf of a Convicted Murderer
ACLU indicated today it is suing the Federal Government on behalf of a convicted murderer. The first amendment allows individuals the right to totally express themselves, unrestricted by government.
Rabble Rousers Reported
A list of rabble rousers was provided to the White House blog site today. The names included Thomas Jefferson, George Washington, Thomas Paine, John Adams, James Madison and Benjamin Franklin.
"Bucks for Boobs" Program
As "Cash for Clunkers" winds down, "Bucks for Boobs" Program gathers momentum. The government will pay $200 per boob for non-green plastic implants, when replaced with squishy Algae based implants.
Obama To Send Troops?
President Obama considers sending in the Obese Police as asses spread in Mississippi!
Human Cloning Revealed
A startling revelation became public today, as a science journal made public the existence of human cloning. All congressional far left liberal Democrats on both coasts have Nancy Pelosi's DNA!
Rosie Reveals Why She Was Let Go
Rosie O'Donnell finally told reporters why she was let go by The View. It was like we figured, steroids.
Trump Thumped
Donald Trump was slightly injured Thursday when a rouge woodchuck tried to mate with the thing on his head.
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