Spoof news snippets from Saturday 22 August 2009
Oil Prices Jumping Again
Oil prices begin to go up again as many Americans may soon not be able to afford to drive to the gas station.
"Dining With Dementia" Restaurants To Open
It's a simple concept. The demented customers are seated at a table and served dirty dishes. A few minutes later their waitperson asks, "would you like a second helping, desert, coffee or the check?"
Just in time for Christmas
Living online has never been more fun. Sony today announced its new Brainbeam PS-6 gaming console with Biomedicom Chambers for extended play.
It's On The Move
"To Grill A Mockingbird" climbs to #1,000 on the top cookbook list, passing up "Best Recipes For Sidewalk Fried Eggs".
States In Quite A State
California votes to allow those serving ten years or less to leave prison due to cost. Other states angry. Texas, Kentucky legalize vigilantism.
New Orleans Apprehensive
Citizens of New Orleans are apprehensive after the sudden appearance of gondoliers on the streets.
Miss NY Sent Home
Miss New York sent packing from Miss America contest for using performance-enhancing jugs.
Those Little ***** Insects!
California forestry workers worried about mild winter allowing for increase in seven-year firebugs.
Buzzards Talking It Over
Ecology teacher at Seatle college wills that her body be naturally "buzzardized" after death.
Madden Claims #10
Tenth person dies of heart attack who had recently been a guest of one of John Madden's tailgate party.
Greek Fire Rages
Greek forest fire rages near Athens as three villages are cut off by flames. Most blame recent visit of Hephaestus.
Won't Slow Me Down A Bit
Lord Mandelson praises NHS after 'successful' prostate surgery, extra set of balls.
Last Of Old Lightbulbs
Ten days left to buy traditional lightbulbs: EU ban means only low-energy ones will be on sale over Gumby objections. "We's jest lurned to screw d'other ones."
She Got Out A Word Or Two
It 'aint over til the fat lady... falls into the orchestra pit. Opera singer hurt after embarrassing accident at Glyndebourne as whole stage, set, building falls before 500-pound star.
Lockerbie Bomber A Hero?
Gaddafi embraces Lockerbie bomber and thanks his 'courageous friend' Gordon Brown for releasing him as Brown seen openly weeping.
Brett Favre Exceeds Expectations in Vikings Debut
He was only 1 out of 4 for 4 yards, but he threw no interceptions!
Dallas Cowboys Open New Stadium In Traditional Fashion
Their first play, an 85 yeard kickoff return, was wiped out by a penalty and their first series was a "three and out."
New FOX Michael J TV Show
Tryouts are being scheduled to chose someone play the role of Michael Jackson in new FOX series, "Touched By A Wacko Jacko".
PITA Announces "Poop For Prada" Campaign
"The protest is simple." said a spokesman, "Just carry a bag of your poop at all times, and when you see someone wearing Prada, smear them with poop. "Vomit for Vuitton" is our next big push."
No One's Done It Yet
Acrobat gets charley horse in his leg and falls to his death while attempting to walk wire stretched across Sioux Falls.
No Disposals Needed
"Green" California man says dropping garbage through a hole in the floor to basement rat more earth friendly than garbage disposal.
Not Filibuster Proof
Republicans say Senate not filibuster-proof as long as John McCain can spin tales about his days at the Hanoi Hilton as a POW could last a couple of years.
Cats Hard To Train
The nation's first "Cat Training School" in the US opened in May, changes it's name to "Cat Alternative-Training School".
Man Found Beaten To Death With Toilet Plunger
Exposed nail in woman's bathroom rips off Houston man's invisibility cloak. He would have been 47 in October.
Need Family Nurse
In AARP Magazine interview, Regis' Dad says he hates to see Regis' Mom stagger around and falling, especially when carrying him to bed.
Where Babies Come From
Man arrested in part in San Antonia, Texas claims that he was just showing the young types where babies came from. "They receive a lot of misinformation, you know?"
Freak Accident At Circus
In a freak accident, a Barnum & Baily, Ringling Brothers circus act claims two a human cannonballs hit head on while flying through the air.
He's Still Trying
Desperate for work, 45-year-old who was the middle kid on the Brady Bunch does solo acts in front of security cameras across the US.
Pee Wee Joins Club
Pee Wee Herman arrested at Kennedy Airport yesterday after his plane landed, claims he was trying to join the Mile High Solo Club.
NYC Worker Honored
Man at the same office in NYC for 30 years receives a Lunchtime Achievement Award from the staff.
Totals Coming In
In an early report, the Census Bureau of 2010 says that between 10,000 and 15,000 people will be working for the 2010 Census.
Terrorists Investigations
Handguns, electric drills and mock executions were used by CIA agents to elicit information from terror suspects, US media have reported. But no loss of fingers, heads.
When Hades Freezes Over
Democrat 89 year old Bill Hades had his family put him into cryogenic stasis, to be awakened prior to Election Day 2010. He said "I want to be here so I can vote for every Republican on the ballot."
Liberal Talk Radio a Bummer
Senator Al Franken of Minnesota admitted today he had to find another job in 2008. Liberal talk radio was a bummer, putting people to sleep faster than sleeping tablets, hot milk or Harry Reid.
Loon to run for the Presidency in 2012
David Loon an Independent, announced as a candidate for the US presidency in 2012. He said "with all the Democratic loons and the Republican loons who will run, I felt an Independent loon was needed."
GITMO to Remain Open
President Obama has issued an Executive Order keeping GITMO open. ACLU lawyers involved in releasing any CIA photographs will be sent here. Former VP Dick Cheney has been appointed warden.
President Obama Hires a Special Assistant
A Special Assistant to President Obama has been hired to straighten out the white house staff and stop falling approval numbers. Karl Rove will be leaving FOX News Network and get his old job back.
Alaskan Carry Law Pushed by Democrats
Alaska Democrats want a state bill requiring all Republicans to carry a picture of Governor Palin. They hope Republican's will shoot themselves in the foot by running Palin for president in 2012.
Public Sex Therapy Option
Speaker Pelosi indicated that a public sex therapy option will be in any House bill. The plan cannot be scaled down with respect to this option, as it is the means of raising all needed revenue.
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