Spoof news snippets from Wednesday 19 August 2009
Recalled Meat Resold
Last week's recalled ground meat has been sold to China as company says very little tested bad after all. The Chinese had to add a little lead to make it taste right, but sold well at discount price.
This Must Be #274
Prison officers where the Unibomber is being held ask that people quit sending him boxed clocks in the mail. "That quit being funny ten years ago."
They're Probably Right
Oddsmaker's agree that team of Wilford Brimley, Olivia de Havilland will be first ones out on "Dancing With The Stars".
Thought It Was A Cramp
Pea Ridge, Tn. man is told by doctor that the reason his leg hurt was because he had 3 bullets in it according to X-ray. "I knew I had been feeling a little sluggish, after that last drinking spree."
That's Her, Officer!
Arkansas man in police line-up identifies the woman he robbed.
"That's the way it's done, ain't it? My first time to the big city."
Where's The Cash?
Freddy Mac and Ginnie Mae Crawford of Abilene, Texas show up on steps of congress this morning demanding their money.
Consumer Confidence Down Say Bums
Consumer confidence fell to an all-time low this morning as bums say people are only buying them half a cup of coffee, week-old doughnuts at shelters.
Dakotas Still Accusing Each Other Over John Lennon's Death
President Obama sends in troops after North Dakota teens caught giving all four presidents black eyes in South Dakota's Mt. Rushmore last night. "They look like raccoons", laments S.D. Gov. Rounds.
Missing Link Discovered
Scientists excited after 300 million year old sausages found in Turkey. "This could well be the missing link!"
Quite A Specter
Phil Specter overheard talking to himself in prison cell, changing wigs with different voices.
Afghan Elections are not corrupt!
Afghan elections have been declared NON-CORRUPT, BUT YOU CAN BY PERSONALISED BALLOT SLIPS OVER THE INTERNET FOR A HUNDRED BUCKS ON E BAY! TALABAN THINK IT'S A BOMB, WHILE US/UK TROOPS DIE LAUGHING !
Casual Friday At Nudist Colony
A Florida man who once belonged to a nudist colony tells the St. Petersburg Times that on Casualty Fridays, men didn't hold in their guts.
Gore's Next Film
Al Gore's next documentary scheduled for filming is expected to more than double last audience, "Global Warming & The Red Hot Mama!"
Time Traveler In Time Square
Citizens of Manhattan were shook up this morning when a Time Traveler suddenly appeared in Time Square and told everyone, "I had to come back and see this happen in person!"
Swine Flu Mass Graves
Mass graves could be dug for autumn bout of swine flu say health officials, "but you shouldn't be worried about it."
Watch That Whistling
Man beaten up by three offended women who thought he wolf-whistled at them, after going into a howling rage.
Another "Blob"?
The Environment Agency says it is worried by the spread of algae that is threatening to choke wildlife along the south coast of England. "We have movie of a deer being dragged in", says spokesman.
Ancient Squid Found
Scientists have drawn a squid with ink extracted from a preserved fossilized squid uncovered during a dig in Wiltshire. "This is the greatest find since Conan Doyle's mystery pen", say historians.
Shrewsbury Flower Show Held Too Late!
The world famous Shrewsbury flower show was held too late this year. It is almost autumn and the blooms are already fading It would appear that the organisers were caught with their plants down.
WW2 Bombings
82-year-old lady in British Nursing Care Home tells BBC that during WW2 "We used to get bombed every night, whether the German planes came over or not."
PETA Satisfied
New movie advertises 1100-plus shootings and stabbings but "no animals were injured during the making of this film".
Web Addicts Treated In China
After a teenage boy was repeatedly beaten at a boot camp to treat internet addicts in China, nerds seen taking pens, pocket protectors from shirts, practicing normal laughs.
War Escalation?
Israel accuses Palestinians of war escalation after youth begin hurling exploding limestone rocks!
Unexploded grenade, Battle Ax Found
New violence hits Afghan capital but it's hard to tell with the rubble of 2,000 years of battles.
Suicide Victim Misunderstood Ad
Police in Pittsburgh say that apparently lonely 39-year-old suicide victim had ordered a Big Meat Special and was devastatingly upset when he was only brought a pizza.
Barry White Music Fails to Encourage Sharks to Mate!
Naturalists have failed to encourage sharks to mate by using Barry White songs. However, his music really 'turns on' whales of all shapes and sizes - perhaps it's because he looks and sounds like one.
Bones Under Basement Floor
In Atlanta, the bones thought to be that of missing 1880 Democrat politician discovered under basement floor. "Dem bones, Dem bones, Dem dry bones!"
Letterman Has Accident On The Air
62-Year-Old David Letterman announced last night that he's so proud of his five-year-old he could just.."Well, I think I just did!"
It's A Favre Favre Better Thing That I Do
Brett Favre, who came out of retirement once again yesterday to sign with the Minnesota Vikings, announces retirement this morning but has scheduled news conference this evening to say, He's Back!
A Bad Trip
Franklin D Roosevelt's great-granddaughter retraces his 1934 trip. Winds up in wheelchair also.
Dat Dancing Delay
Ex-House Majority Leader Tom Delay joins 'Dancing With the Stars' I've been dancing around political issues for years says politician.
Jackson Portrait Sold
Warhol's Jackson portrait, Jackson's song lyrics about Warhol, rights to Weird Al Yankovic's tune about both, sold by NY art gallery.
Ibuprofen For Broken Arms
Study: Ibuprofen is best for kids with broken arms. Pain pills somehow causes bones to be reset, cast to suddenly appear.
Clinton Meeting Obama, Family
At White House meeting, Obama talks to Bill Clinton about N. Korea mission. Mother-In-Law asks about Monica Lewinsky affair. Obama kids about where Socks is buried.
Young Dems Suffer
Freshmen Democrats torn by party, voters, wild packs of dogs on health care.
1 Million Electric Cars
German government: 1 million electric cars by 2020. Will need twice as much oil, coal to produce electricity.
"Please Don't Hurt Me Bad!"
San Jose dentist facing new charge he molested patient, sixth time for the same patient.
Officers Fall Through Floor
San Jose City Council reluctantly agrees to spend $5.1 million more on police substation after three 250-pound officers fall through floor while bringing in the days doughnuts.
Exotic Clams Invade
Exotic clams invade Lake Tahoe! Some have little frilly cloth skirts of many colors around their edges.
11-Year-Old Interviews Obama
11-year-old boy interviews Obama at White House. Questions like "What football team do you like?" similar to questions by hired fluffballs in town hall meetings on healthcare.
Voters Reject Fees
Seattle voters reject 20-cent grocery bag fee, 25-cent "have a nice day" greeting, 10-cent "How's it hanging?"
Counseling Improves Mood
Study finds end-of-life counseling improves mood as many glad they are not going to hell in a handbasket.
Pharoah's Tombs Disappearing
Egypt warns pharaohs' tombs could disappear if tourists don't stop carrying away 20 ton rocks as souvenirs.
S.Korea Rocket Going Nowhere Fast
South Korea aborts rocket launch minutes before liftoff as fuse falls off.
Hurricane Gaining Force
Hurricane Bill now upgraded to Category 4 storm in Atlantic, name updated to "Wild Bill Pecos"!
Vikings Fly Favre To Mayo Clinic
The Minnesota Vikings Flew Quarterback Brett Favre To the Mayo Clinic on Tuesday, where he underwent an emergency procedure after former team mates tackled him and glued his pecker to his stomach.
Analysts Say 2010 will be a Boom Year
Dow Jones average supposedly rises and falls with ladies dress lengths! Recently, there were 1000 naked women marching outside of the NYSE at Wall and Broad Streets in NYC! Nobody can remember why.
Chief Geronimo III Speaks at a Town Meeting
At a health care reform town meeting in New Mexico, Native American Chief Geronimo III PhD addressed a crowd debating the issue. The wise chief said "do you really believe Congress in Washington DC?"
Upcoming Court Case
The Libertarian Party sues House Speaker Pelosi for reckless endangerment to USA freedoms. Empress Pelosi retains John Edwards as her defense lawyer. Presiding judge is rumored to be George W Bush.
PETA Puts Foot in Mouth Again
PETA has commended specific groups for not eating pork. Then they added that circumcision needs to be more closely inspected by the USDA, similar to the cocks used in chicken McNuggets.
|
| Mon | Tue | Wed | Thu | Fri | Sat | Sun | ||||||||||||||
|
|
|||||||||||||||||||
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
||||||||||||||
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
||||||||||||||
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
||||||||||||||
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
||||||||||||||
|
||||||||||||||||||||
Mailing List
Get Spoof News in your email inbox!