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Rating:

Peanut Man's Pants Removed By Mob

Very angry mob mistakenly screams down man trying to sell peanuts in Central Park, remove his pants while screaming "We don't want no national social healthcare!"

written by Bureau, 15 August 2009
Rating:

Paper Got Wrong Kennedy

Small Massachusetts newspaper apologizes after running full page carefully planned obituary on Ted Kennedy after surprise death of sister, Eunice.

written by Bureau, 15 August 2009
Rating:

Oughta Be Hung

Farmer in Arkansas claims that shifty traveling outhouse aluminum siding salesman stole his 14-year-old wife on their third anniversary.

written by Bureau, 15 August 2009
Rating:

US Accused Of Torture

United States military accused of using notorious "Barnacle Torture" on captured pirates to force revelation of where rest of crew were.

written by Bureau, 15 August 2009
Rating:

Al-Qaeda #3 Embarrassed To Death

Al-Qaeda #3 taken out by remote control airplane with a stick of dynamite with long fuse by Army brat in Fort Campbell, Kentucky. Go 101st!

written by Bureau, 15 August 2009
Rating:

Mount Everest Not As Tall

A tragedy at Mount Everest today as nearly 1,000 people fell when they became too heavy and the summit collapsed.

written by Bureau, 15 August 2009
Rating:

Just Lucky I Guess

New prison inmate told that his new prison buddy has a problem but that it could be in his favor. "George suffers from premature ejaculation", state Warden.

written by Bureau, 15 August 2009
Rating:

New Reality Show!

Singer Amy Winehouse to make appearance on tonight's barbed wire caged women's matches on "Britain's Got Talons".

written by Bureau, 15 August 2009
Rating:

Not Enough Donors These Days

Anesthesiologist's sneeze causes surgeon to cut patient's penis off during appendectomy. Avoids lawsuit by hurriedly getting one from storage that he had planned to have for himself.

written by Bureau, 15 August 2009
Rating:

Nerds Live Longer! Nyukk

A new study shows that nerds live longer than the average person by 2-3 years. Scientist believe this is due from having a lot less contact with people and their social diseases.

written by Bureau, 15 August 2009
Rating:

Men Worse Than Apes Back Then

Archeologists say they have found proof that ancient man did not pull women into caves by the hair of their head. "It was a lot worse than that!", stateds Professor Ahdid of Cairo University.

written by Bureau, 15 August 2009
Rating:

Once A Model

Old lady at Florida nursing home with one eye and three breasts says that in her youth, she modeled for Picasso.

written by Bureau, 15 August 2009
Rating:

Latest NYC "Craze"

The newest thing being sold by street venders in NYC is a fake cellphone. Crazy people are buying them up an two bucks each so they can carry one around town talking to themselves.

written by Bureau, 15 August 2009
Rating:

Obama's Campaign Strategy

President Barack Obama says one reason he turned down public funding during campaign was because he knew we'd need everything we had to pay for new social programs, taxes.

written by Bureau, 15 August 2009
Rating:

Limbaugh Offers Hope

Rush Limbaugh is still insisting there is no threat to global warming. "This is silly", stated Limbaugh last Friday. "No matter how high the ocean gets, it'll still be at sea level."

written by Bureau, 15 August 2009
Rating:

Leaders Love Hillary

More leaders say Hillary Clinton is the best Secretary of State they have ever heard. "She can tell you tales about her exploits in Bosnia that would make your blood curl" says Libya's Qaddafi.

written by Bureau, 15 August 2009
Rating:

2010 Census To Be Completed Faster

Just published 2010 reports will take less time to fill out on the whole as numbers in clown cars, and atop winding mountain roads past moonshiners in Appalachia, will be estimated.

written by Bureau, 15 August 2009
Rating:

Madoff Having Flushbacks

Bernie Madoff, a genuine turd, says he has been having out of the body experiences in the bathroom for years.

written by Bureau, 15 August 2009
Rating:

More Chinese Cities Every Day

Five hundred Chinese moving into a newly completed city this morning has set off a 3.5 earthquake.

written by Bureau, 15 August 2009
Rating:

Archie: Everybody's Dad In The 60's

Wrigley Field in Chicago had to cancel its "Archie Bunker Lookalike Contest" due to receiving over 100,000 entries.

written by Bureau, 15 August 2009
Rating:

Hardees More Healthy

Hardee'sRestaurants has announced that due to health concerns, all their pork burgers will be fried in whatever comes out of the burger.

written by Bureau, 15 August 2009
Rating:

Maybe In The Same Cave

Latest intelligence report delivered to Sec. of State Clinton, the United States still does not know where Bin Laden is hiding. "Bin Laden?", asked Hillary, "I don't even know where Bill is hiding."

written by Bureau, 15 August 2009
Rating:

New Tox For Teens

The inventors of Bo-Tox, that helps prevent aging wrinkles, introduces Po-Tox. Using Po-tox gives teens wrinkles for 30 minutes, plenty of time to head for the liquor store.

written by Bureau, 15 August 2009
Rating:

Hugo #1?

Venezuela's Hugo Chavez vows that his next idiot stunt will put both Iran and North Korea's leaders to shame.

written by Bureau, 15 August 2009
Rating:

Atlanta Smart Signing Vick?

Atlanta businesses hope to profit from one million animal rights protesters arriving for first home game after signing Michael Vick. Thousands of Anti-Vick tee-shirts, posters for sale.

written by Bureau, 15 August 2009
Rating:

Palin Apologizes

Sarah Palin apologizes for Obama's "Death Panel" remarks. Meant to say "Chicago Thugs for hire"

written by Bureau, 15 August 2009
Rating:

Skydiver Injured

Skydiver survives 1,000ft fall on to aircraft hangar roof after parachute failed to open. Claims he's OK but will have to adjust to being 2-foot tall.

written by Bureau, 15 August 2009
Rating:

British Sniper Has Eagle Eye

British sniper describes moment he shot Taliban commander from TWO KILOMETRES away! However, two slightly injured while measuring actual distance.

written by Bureau, 15 August 2009
Rating:

Late Tax, Tax

Grieving families in Briton will face a new charge if they pay inheritance tax. Many say they will claim deceased family member took it with him.

written by Bureau, 15 August 2009
Rating:

Nigeria Fires Five Bankers

Nigeria sacks heads of five banks. The five apparently stole that $1Million being held for your Auntie after she sent the $1,000 fee to recover it.

written by Bureau, 15 August 2009
Rating:

Three Out Already

Some of the world's finest memories are testing their recall abilities at the UK Open Memory Championships in London. Three who were late over forgetting date were automatically disqualified.

written by Bureau, 15 August 2009
Rating:

Russian Cargo Ship Still Missing

Mystery still surrounds a missing Russian cargo ship, with a sighting off Cape Verde islands turning out to be The Pickering lost in early 1800's. No survivors as everyone aboard over 225 years old.

written by Bureau, 15 August 2009
Rating:

Archie Fan Angry

Fan mad about Archie engaging Veronica sells comic, Archie #1, calls him a second Jughead!

written by Bureau, 15 August 2009
Rating:

Vaccine Mutates

Polio surge in Nigeria after vaccine virus mutates. "Now let's not worry about that old Swine Flu vaccine", say world health offices.

written by Bureau, 15 August 2009
Rating:

Any Independant Leaders Out There?

Poll: Most US political, economic problems due to Republicans not being able to find anyone to run for president and Democrat's Obama being President but still seems to be on the campaign trail.

written by Bureau, 15 August 2009
Rating:

New Madoff On Book

Book: Madoff victim tells of secret 20-year affair. His bilking clients out of billions and that he once kissed Pol Pot on the mouth.

written by Bureau, 15 August 2009
Rating:

Woods Takes 4 Stroke Lead

Woods builds a 4-shot lead in the PGA, as nobody else seems to give a fart!

written by Bureau, 15 August 2009
Rating:

Piracy Getting Complicated

Egyptian fishermen sailing home with captive pirates, captured by pirates.

written by Bureau, 15 August 2009
Rating:

Wildfires In California

Wildfires spread as California declares emergency for the first time in..oh...six months?

written by Bureau, 15 August 2009
Rating:

Mermaids In Israel

Locals and tourists in the Israeli town of Kiryat Yam have been flocking to the coast in hopes of glimpsing a mermaid.
Most wonder why Israel, when they are not even kosher.

written by Bureau, 15 August 2009
Rating:

"A Complete Unknown"

Rock legend Bob Dylan was treated like a complete unknown by police in a New Jersey community when a resident called to report someone wandering around the neighborhood, "with no direction home."

written by Bureau, 15 August 2009
Rating:

Obama Speaking For Healthcare Reform Again

Obama to hold still another health care town hall meeting. He hopes to have his message out soon. Perhaps, 50 more will do it.

written by Bureau, 15 August 2009
Rating:

Obama Trades In Presidential Limo in Cash for Clunkers

To take advantage of the Cash for Clunkers program, President Obama has traded in the Presidential limosine for a Chevy Volt, according to sources. The Volt allegedly gets 2,600 MPG.

written by NickFun, 15 August 2009
Rating:

Washington DC Changes Traffic Lights

Congress mandated that traffic light STOP and GO signals around the Capitol be red. Since many Americans believe Congress doesn't know whether they are coming or going, it seems to make sense.

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 15 August 2009
Rating:

Colonial Britain Ruined the World?

Newsweek asks "did British rule of Sri Lanka, Iraq, Sudan, Israel/Palestine, and Somalia really screw up the world?" From across the channel was heard Oui, Ja and Da. The White House had no comment.

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 15 August 2009
Rating:

Speaker Pelosi Discovers America

Heading North on I-5, House Speaker Pelosi took a right (heavens) turn, discovering another country called America. She was absolutely amazed that here were citizens who were not far left wing nuts!

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 15 August 2009
Rating:

FBI Arrests House Speaker Pelosi

Pelosi arrested for slashing tires on AF-1. President and VP had a town meeting in Rochester MN and would need to take a Continental flight. If stuck for 9 hours, Empress Pelosi would be in charge.

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 15 August 2009
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