Spoof news snippets from Saturday 4 April 2009
The Walking Tattoo Catalog
Shanna Moakler and Blink 182 drummer Travis Barker have split up again. A close friend of Moaklers said that Shanna told her that Travis just has to many ugly-looking tattoos.
Jacqui Smith's marriage is strong, she claimed.
Jacqui Smith claims that her marriage is strong. But hey ... she's a politician! So in politicalspeak that would be a no then!
Left Blinker On Again
At local AARP meeting, older drivers admit to reporters that leaving their left turn signal on all the time is their version of "flipping the bird".
Environmentally Friendly Sex Toy
Greenlife Uninhibited Unlimited announces the creation of the first environmentally friendly sex toy.
New Smokestack Filters
OSHA Inspectors report that the new hemp filters placed over factory smokestacks appear..."Groovy!"
Bush On Segway Seen
Little Sasha Obama cries after grinning spook of George W. Bush goes roaring through the White House hall on a segway, running her tricycle into a wall.
The Hybrid Bug
Scientists use tiny organisms to create fuel as viruses show promising results to create longlasting batteries. Volkswagen to reintroduce The Hybrid Bug!
Happy Hour Disappearing
Most sea ice in the Arctic could be gone in 30 years, sooner than most thought, study says. So drink those mixed drinks while you can.
Joker Cancels Bats
A mysterious fungus is killing off thousands of bats around the country. Scientists are calling it The Joker Syndrome, because of the distinctive white smile on the mouths of infected bats.
Obama on Michelle#1
"…and did you shave your tits this morning!"
Source - US White House - Snoop Bug Transmitter 2
PETA, Greenpeace Announcement
Monday morning both Greenpeace and PETA say they will announce that they have placed Republicans on the endangered species list.
Remains Of The Day
The remains of two elderly Eskimos, three polar bears discovered on ice floe drifting off the coast of Maine.
House No Bargain
Purchasers of bargain discounted house say real estate agency salesperson knew it was on fire when she sold it to them.
Cuba Releases Castro Info
Cuba says that Fidel Castro health is continuing to improve and that his beard shows a strong growth in the first quarter.
Jensen Button Claims Pole in Malaysia.
Geography experts disagree.
MP Hazel Blears has said that Jonathan Ross should pay the BBC's £150,000 fine.
He says he will, as soon as MP's repay their unwarranted expenses.
Obama Announces 51st State While Appearing Wobbly
Obama plans to ease Cuban restrictions further! Proclaims Cuba as 51st US state and that both countries will begin a bridge from each side & meet in the middle. Then proclaims his wine tastes funny.
Obama's Speaks At NATO
US President Obama at the NATO conference stated that threats to our security and economy are worldwide, plus anyone can hack into just about any rubber duck that got shit for brains.
All Americans At Risk
Highly decorated former NYC Police Commissioner Kerik said today that failure to renew the Patriot Act would place Americans at risk of an attack that would kill everybody. Then again, maybe not.
De Niro's Very Unhappy Nanny
Robert De Niro's nanny says the actor owes her $40,000 in overtime pay. He refuses to pay it. It sure does look like it has all of the earmarks of a tell-all book, No Dinero From De Niro.
Jennifer Aniston - The Male Repeller
Jennifer Aniston says that she has had extremely bad luck in all of her recent relationships with men. she drops a hint that she may become a "Lebanese."
The Score: Malawi 1, Madonna 0
Madonna has stated that if Malawi does not allow her to adopt 3-year-old Chifundo, she will simply buy the damn country and adopt as many Malawian kids as she damn well pleases.
That Lance Bass Fella
Singer Lance Bass has denied the rumor that he is planning on dropping the B from his last name.
Rihanna's Gun Tattoo
Rihanna, who is still recuperating from that horrible fall she took reveals her latest tattoo of a handgun. Wow, what's next? A tattoo of a machete, or maybe an AK-47, or why not a hydrogen bomb?
The Parking Lot Formerly Known As North Korea
North Korea announces that their satellite rocket launch is coming soon. Hey launch the son-of-bitch already so that Japan can blow your friggin' country all to kingdom come!
Paula Abdul Denies Simon Cowell Rumors
American Idol judge Paula Abdul denies rumors that her and fellow judge Simon Cowell are having an affair. Ms. Abdul said, "I like Simon, but we're both opposites, I'm a girl, and he's a guy."
Lohan & Ronson Are Still A Happy Couple
Lindsay Lohan wants everyone to know that her and her "Boyfriend" Samantha Ronson are still a couple. Lohan says that she can hardly wait to marry Ronson and be invitro fertilized.
The Boo-Hooing Non-Mrs. Justin Gaston, (aka Miley Cyrus)
Miley Cyrus crys and crys and crys that she is not getting married to Justin Gaston. Okay, great, now we can get on with trying to fix all of the damn economic problems.
The Former Iowa Cornhuskers?
Iowa legalizes Gay marriages. So does that mean that the University of Iowa Cornhuskers will now become The Iowa Corn [PLEASE FILL IN YOUR OWN SIX LETTER WORD SUGGESTION HERE, THANK YOU.]
Cuban Family Visits Allowed
President Barack Obama plans to lift longstanding U.S. restrictions on Cuba, a senior administration official said, allowing Cuban-Americans to visit families. Getting back will be THEIR problem.
Times To Shut Down Globe?
The N.Y. Times has threatened to shut the Boston Globe unless the newspaper's unions swiftly agree to $20 million in concessions and the Red Sox throw all 18 games to the Yankees, union leaders said.
Pollen Surge
An early start to hay fever misery: Pollen surge blamed on milder winters, horny flowers, bees.
Romanian May Get More Than Bargained For
the Romanian who raped a woman so he could 'live in luxury' in a British jail gets his wish, but judge may consider exporting him to the Taliban in Afghanistan with a Star of David tattoo.
Berlusconi Acting French
First he complimented Obama's "tan", then he played hide & seek with the German leader. He has annoyed the Queen by being loud. Now Italy's Berlusconi, acting French, puts NATO on hold while on phone.
NKorean Launch Window Closing
The first window in North Korea's five-day satellite launch plan has passed with no sign of a blast-off. Officials say wind not right, fuse too short.
Inbreeding Taking Its Toll
Inbreeding is taking its toll on Michigan wolves, West Virginia's Mountain Mama hillbillies, says report.
Kraft Apologizes For Delay
Kraft Foods, the company whose testing led to the nationwide pistachio recall, said Friday it first heard there was salmonella in its trail mix in late 2007. Issue apology for trail crap since then.
Egg March This Summer
North Dakota's Senate has rejected legislation to bestow human rights on fertilized human eggs, whether they be in the womb or in a laboratory. One million eggs plan DC march for this summer.
Working Longer Hours
Many company employees say they are keeping their jobs by working longer hours, some as long as 78 minutes.
German Woman Can Only Take So Much
A German woman has divorced her husband because she was fed up with him cleaning all the time. Marries big-bellied slob who whizzes on commode, bathroom floor.
Job Ads Working For Some
Jobless make TV ads pitching themselves for work is having an effect as good-looking ladies hired by bars, guys as pool boys.
Wind Cancel NKorean Rocket Launch
Wind may have forced North Korea to delay rocket launch say experts. It was blowing from direction of field of buried cabbage and no one could stay long enough to send up rocket.
Dogs Look Like Owners
Dogs do look like owners, while more and more cat owners are beginning to look and act like their cats.
Next:: Honeybee, Flower Marriage Ceremonies?
Gay marriages expected to begin in Iowa April 24, only 25 years after animal marriages between family pets were first conducted.
Obama, Bush Differ
Obama welcomed the new countries of Albania, Croatia to NATO as Bush did last year, but this time they weren't called Albino and Crustacean.
France, Germany Wimp Out
France & Germany fully endorsed President Obama's new Afghan war strategy but continued to firmly resist U.S. demands for more combat troops, Saturday. However, he was guaranteed their moral support.
Protest frenzy
A protest is being held to protest about the way in which police handled the G20 protest earlier this week. A counter-protest is also planned to protest about that protest.
The new Cornish 'fastie'
Eileen Bishop, 87, was found 5 miles away when her scooter whisked her away as she dosed at the controls. Police found her on the A3075 heading towards Newquay. One way to pull the birds, I suppose.
Cameron in Race Row
David Cameron today got into a Row with a race. Cameron and The 400 meters relay exchanged blows outside Parliament. When police arrived, the policeman passed the race his baton, and the race ran.
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