Spoof news snippets from Saturday 25 April 2009
Al Gore offers inside advice on surprise at Britain's Got Talent
"After I invented the Internet, I took a week off and invented Susan Boyle."
Craigslist killer on suicide watch!
Ooh, ooh, can I watch too?
Big Silicon Vein Hit!
A rich new vein of silicon has been discovered in Silicon Valley, California that could bring the entire country out of debt!
Greenpeace To Sue Oil Company
Alaskan Oil Company suspected of wildcat oil drilling after unexpected visit from Greenpeace finds polar bears eating salmon out of cans.
100,000 Natural Condos Available
Timeshare Island, the romantic natural island in the Pacific, is now taking orders for those who want natural perfect ocean waves, suntan now has 100,000 condos available. Come see what nature can be.
Oddballs Unwelcome
The U.S. Census Bureau for 2010 has informed everyone that they intend for the correct number of U.S. population be rounded off in numbers. Lottery will determine any odd numbers that have to leave.
Somewhere Around Then
On this day in 1625 the early settlers began setting up new colonies in North American to escape shameful religious persecution in Europe and started persecuting one another, killing off Indians.
Italian Mobs Thriving
While businesses around the world are hunkering down for survival, the Italian mob is living a golden moment. "Plenty of loans available at 50%, or do a little job for us when called upon."
Indians Celebrate Pontiac Removal
General Motors pulling the plug on Pontiac autos leads Ottawa Indians to celebrate. Won't lift curse until Cleveland Indians, Atlanta Braves and Washington Redskins also change names.
WHO Declares Emergency
The World Health Organization is set to declare the deadly swine flu virus outbreak in Mexico & U.S. a global concern. "After nuclear NKorea, economy, this could be the third horseman", says member.
NKorea A Nuclear Power
It's official: experts say North Korea is a fully fledged nuclear power. "It's MY toy and I can play with any time I want to", says Kim Jong Il.
Cheney Denies Involvement
Former Vice President Dick Cheney denies he had anything to do with hundreds of hidden photocopies of his ass being found all over the White House. "Some of those Obama clowns", stated the former VP.
Pardoned Turkey Found Dead
The turkey President Bush pardoned last Thanksgiving has been found dead after chopping off it's own head. Turkey friends say "Tom" lost practically everything in the Bernie Madoff scam.
Group Thanks Sarah Palin
A political organization has filmed a new TV ad thanking Sarah Palin for all she did for the 2008 campaign. The group is known as The Far-Left Liberal Party of America.
Automatically Lowers Expections
Barack Obama's people are trying to lower expectations after a few missteps of late because everyone thinks he's going to fix everything. In response, he's hired four people from the Bush staff.
Pirates to Take Taxes
Somali pirates are to call their ransom money for taxes, a spokesman for the Somali pirate union said. A U.S. Navy spokesman, in response, says taxes are fine.
Competition to Be Abolished for London Olympics
Competition does not go well with equality. We will have it abolished for the Olympics, a Downing Street spokeswoman said.
The Daytona Beach Piercings - OUCH!!!
The latest youth fad to hit Daytona Beach, Florida is that of teenage girls having their ovaries pierced.
The Eskimo Red Sox Fans
A recent survey that was conducted in the biggest Eskimo village in Alaska found that 99 percent had never heard of Botox. And interestingly enough, 52 percent confused it with BoSox.
Control, Alt, Delete...Hey Was That A Stop Sign?
California has banned the use of laptop computers while driving. Meanwhile south of the border, the Mexican state of Baja California has banned the use of AK-47's while driving.
Houston Homeless Man Wins $90 Million
A homeless man in Houston has won $90 million in the state lottery. He reportedly told lottery officials that he can now afford to get a custom-made, Will Work For Food sign.
Billy Bob Thornton, aka Joaquin Phoenix
Universal Pictures has just signed Billy Bob Thornton to star as himself in the motion picture, Oops - The Billy Bob Thornton Story.
New York City, Nevada?
A recent survey of college students in Vermont has found that 60 percent do not know what state New York City is in.
Hot-Air Filled Balloon, Correspondent, Collapse
Two British tourists are among the 16 injured in Egyptian hot-air balloon crash as British spokeswoman cries, "The humanity!" Hindenburg style, in direct communications.
Environ Protester Bribed
An environmental protester today claimed that police tried to recruit her as a paid spy to inform on her organization, "The Exploitation Of The Tree Newts".
Starkey Blasts Away
David Starkey has provoked fury by describing Scotland, Wales and Ireland as 'feeble little' countries. "All of them put together wouldn't make a good 'compost heap.'"
Mother Denied NHS Services
Pregnant mother is refused free NHS maternity dental care after staff said bump, ultrasound and doctor's notes are NOT proof. Demand to see father, penis.
Brown Feeling Pressure
New evidence has surfaced that Gordon Brown is feeling the strains of office, with claims that the Prime Minister recently slung a laser printer to the floor and whizzed on it in a fit of pique.
West Bank Turmoil
At the West Bank, a battle of rock throwing and smoke bomb exchange occurred after a Palestinian man accused an Israeli soldier of occupying his space in the bed last night.
Minnesota Leads Nation Again
Minnesota, the "State Of 10,000 Lakes", once again lead the nation last year with over 20,000 drownings as people keep falling into the lakes.
But He's OK
In Nimrod, Washington an extremely drunken lumberjack has accidentally chopped down their city hall.
Prison Abuse Photos To Be Released
United States to release prison abuse photos, say officials. Ruth Madoff disagrees. "I was making a fortune selling those of Bernie & his boyfriend to his victims."
We All Make A Mistake Now & Then
Paraguayan President Fernando Lugo says he will not resign over claims by three women that he fathered children with them while he was a Catholic priest. "Nobody is perfect", states Leader.
Help For Starving Vultures
Farmers are to be allowed to leave dead livestock in their fields in parts of Europe, to help starving vultures. "I'd just as soon let those politicians starve", stated one farmer.
Iran Eating Oranges From Israel
Fears that an Iranian ban on imports from its arch foe Israel was flouted by the sale of Jaffa oranges have sparked an inquiry in Tehran, reports say. Just announced: "Israeli oranges contain lead."
Iceland Voting Under Way
Voting is under way in early parliamentary elections in Iceland, one of the countries most dramatically affected by the global economic crisis. Most coming by boat or swimming.
US Calls For Ceasefire, Ducks
The US has called for an immediate ceasefire in north-eastern Sri Lanka, to allow thousands of civilians to leave the country's combat zone. Then quickly ducked their heads before a hail of bullets.
Contraction In Global Economy
Financial chiefs from the G7 have said there are signs the contraction in the global economy may have eased, but warned this did not signal a recovery, but maybe baby recovery on the way.
Earth's Future In Balance
Al Gore, Newt Gingrich debate the Earth's future. May be joined by Ralph Nader, Ross Perot, Jerry Brown and the Supreme High Commander of Mars.
NKorea Restarts Facilities
North Korea says it has restarted it's nuclear facilities. Introduces the world's first nuclear toilets.
Obama: What It Is
President Barack Obama: "Hipness is what it is." Statement already being compared to Lincoln's Gettysburg Address.
S.C Man Says Fire Not His Fault
Marc Torchi, the South Carolinian who accidentally started a huge fire and is now receiving death threats, says he had fire department out twice, so it's not his fault. "Still, my name doesn't help!"
Obama Seeking Ideas
Obama asks for ideas on curbing federal spending. Told a few less bridges and highways to nowhere might help.
Clinton Reassures Iraq
Sec. of State Hillary Clinton assures Iraq of US support. "We'll be keeping you in our thoughts."
40-Pound Tumor Removed
A German doctor said Friday that surgeons have successfully removed a 40-pound (18 kilogram) malignant bone tumor from a Saudi Arabian woman. The tumor has been named, "Bernie Madoff Jr."
Experts On Marital Bliss
Experts: Denial Can Bring Marital Bliss! Also, a bag placed over the head couldn't hurt any.
Obama Addresses Nation's Problems
Obama touts plan to change college loan system, declares today National Pick-Up Roadside Trash Day & warns all Americans we may die soon from swine flu.
German Ship Seized
US Navy: Pirates seize German ship near Somalia. Germans to send their Luftwaffe planes. Warn nations to hoist their flags so wrong ships not bombed.
Bernanke Seeking Award
Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke is privately seeking an award from the Zimbabwean government for sound monetary policy. The award is in Zimbabwe dollars.
President Obama to Reduce His Salary
The U.S. President is to reduce his salary by 10 per cent. This is to draw attention from the really big spending, a well-known tactic, a White House spokesman said.
Hey, Remember Russell Brand
Russell Brand said that thanks to Susan Boyle, Shaheen Jafargholi, and Amy Winehouse everyone has forgotten about him. He says he feels lonely, depressed, and unwanted...kind of like George Bush.
The Ford Automotive Housing Project
In a move to hopefully avoid going bankrupt, The Ford Motor Company is now offering a free house with each purchase of a 2009 Ford vehicle.
The Puzzling Crossword Puzzle
The International Crossword Puzzle Championship Finals have been moved back from 5-01 across to 4-29 down.
Forth Worth's Electric Jubilee
Forth Worth is getting ready to hold its yearly 'Be Aware of Electricity Jubilee.' Due to the weak state of the economy, participants are asked to bring in their own outlet plugs and light bulbs.
Pssst Mister...Wanna Buy Some Chrysler Stock Real Cheap?
The Chrysler Corporation is facing bankruptcy. Financial experts predict that their shares could fall to minus 20 cents a share.
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