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Rating:

Man Killed Over "Barking Dog"

A Sidney, Australian woman was convicted Wednesday of fatally stabbing a neighbor who complained about her barking dog in Australia's biggest city. "He knew I had no dog" she told police about insult.

written by Bureau, 02 April 2009
Rating:

Arctic Ice REALLY Melting Fast!

Study: Arctic sea ice is melting even faster than expected. It is melting even faster that Monday's report about it melting faster than the previous day. There, it is even faster than I can report it.

written by Bureau, 02 April 2009
Rating:

Peaches Geldof must be desperate!

Peaches Geldof has hinted that she fancies foulmouthed TV chef Gordon Ramsay. She herself is no stranger to the F word and perhaps she is looking for a father figure?

written by norma snockers, 02 April 2009
Rating:

Britain names new aircraft carrier

The Royal Navy is to name its newest aircraft carrier after Henry Allingham, a founder member Of the Royal Naval Air Service and the RAF. He is 112 and will probably last longer than the ship will.

written by norma snockers, 02 April 2009
Rating:

Hekp! I'm Locked In My Car!

A Kissimmee, Florida woman locked inside her car called 911 because she did not know how to get out! Most wondering if it's the same one who called that PC didn't work & told to plug it in.

written by Bureau, 02 April 2009
Rating:

Simple Answer

Washington D.C.'s money-saving plan: Free inmates. Up to 80 percent could qualify to leave prison early. Fire 75 percent of police force. Bring troops home and have them patrol our streets.

written by Bureau, 02 April 2009
Rating:

Abandoned Boats May Be Sold

Boats too costly to keep are littering the United States coastlines after identifying serial numbers are filed off.
Group from Somalia say they have made an offer and are willing to round them up.

written by Bureau, 02 April 2009
Rating:

OPEC: Oil Not To Blame

OPEC said oil was not to blame for the climate change and that western democracies are to blame because of all the politicians constantly running for office and releasing all that hot air.

written by Bureau, 02 April 2009
Rating:

Two Straight Hol-In-One's

West Virginia retiree, 70, aces consecutive holes, say friends of Morse Gill of Danver, Utah. "The first ran around the hole before dropping but the second one went right through the windmill smack!"

written by Bureau, 02 April 2009
Rating:

President's Constant Coverage

Constant news coverage of Barack Obama since he took office less than 3 months ago is warranted a media symposium said Wednesday. "Since we got him elected, what would you think we should do? Duhhh!"

written by Bureau, 02 April 2009
Rating:

Botex Can Help

Botox 'helps us be happy' by stopping the face from frowning, smiling, smirking, snarling, winking, blinking and nod.

written by Bureau, 02 April 2009
Rating:

Them Or Me

Man arrested after allegedly slaughtering 13 lions - and some rhinos - in his downstairs living room. Claims "it was them or me" after they had allegedly followed him home.

written by Bureau, 02 April 2009
Rating:

Conman Pretty Good At It

Conman who lived life of luxury after stealing savings of nearly 2000 investors is jailed, then doesn't come back after telling jailer he had to go see a man about a dog.

written by Bureau, 02 April 2009
Rating:

Dignitas Boss Under Attack

Suicide is a marvelous opportunity and saves the NHS money': Dignitas boss under attack from all sides over plan to let healthy kill themselves. "How else can we settle this afterlife question?"

written by Bureau, 02 April 2009
Rating:

Twittering Keeps Minds On Work

Twittering and watching YouTube videos 'makes workers more productive' according to somebody somewhere, hold on a minute will you. There. Now, what's all this?

written by Bureau, 02 April 2009
Rating:

Elderly Woman On Wild Scooter Ride

Mobility scooter with a mind of its own whisks elderly woman off on hair-raising five-mile ride. "And me without me diaper", she tells rescuers, needlessly.

written by Bureau, 02 April 2009
Rating:

Make It Last

Murderer in jail for 11 years gets pregnant during her one day release from prison. Boyfriend rushed to ER in comatose state.

written by Bureau, 02 April 2009
Rating:

Buyer's So Happy They Could Crap

House prices RISE for the first time in 16 months as lenders ease credit restrictions. Buyers pleased. "Stick it to us!" urge many.

written by Bureau, 02 April 2009
Rating:

Police Fear Violence

Riot police storm G20 protesters' squads with clubs, maces, hatchets and spears amid fears of fresh violence in City of London.

written by Bureau, 02 April 2009
Rating:

Berlusconi Put In His Place By the Queen

Why does he have to shout?': Italy's Berlusconi annoys the Queen at G20 photoshoot. "Don't they usually just wave their arms about?"

written by Bureau, 02 April 2009
Rating:

All Mad As Hatters

Brown unveils historic $1 trillion deal as G20 vows to rescue world economy and crack down on reckless bankers. Obama: I'll see your trillion dollars and raise you a trillion.

written by Bureau, 02 April 2009
Rating:

Lumbago Blamed On Global Warming

Former Vice President Al Gore says that your grandmother's lumbago acting up a sure sign of global warming.

written by Bureau, 02 April 2009
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Next Virtual Town Hall Meeting

In an interview during the G20 conference, President Barack Obama announces that he may end his next virtual town hall meeting with a couple of karaoke numbers.

written by Bureau, 02 April 2009
Rating:

Chess Channel Closes

The Chess Channel closes after only three months but that's two months longer than the Chinese Checker Channel.

written by Bureau, 02 April 2009
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By End Of Week

Ne husband on honeymoon cruise issues bride most up to date withdrawal data, timeline.

written by Bureau, 02 April 2009
Rating:

$1 trillion package announced

Gordon Brown has announced that a trillion dollars will be made available to help the world out of recession. He neglected to mention that he meant a trillion Zimbabwean dollars, worth about 23p.

written by MonkeyInTheBath, 02 April 2009
Rating:

The Economic Crisis Affects Wax Museum

Madame Tussands Wax Museum has dropped plans for the new Rush Limbaugh, Oprah Winfrey, and Wynonna Judd wax figures. The director of the wax museum said that it would have taken way too much wax.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 02 April 2009
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The End Of The Black Chips

Due to extensive complaints from the NAACP, all Las Vegas casinos will be discontinuing their black chips. They say that they plan to replace the black chips with colored chips.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 02 April 2009
Rating:

Coming Soon To A Theater Near You

MGM Pictures announces that it has already started production on G20 - The Movie.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 02 April 2009
Rating:

Many Now Wondering

One protester dies, several protesters, police are injured as the world teeters on a financial collapse that makes many wonder, "Has the U.S. First Lady's fashion sense faltered?"

written by Bureau, 02 April 2009
Rating:

Charles Royally Pissed!

America's First Lady Michelle Obama broke royal protocol when she placed her arm around the Queen. But rather than take offence, Her Majesty took the unusual step of returning the gesture of hugging.

written by Bureau, 02 April 2009
Rating:

Fresh Violence Feared

There were fears of fresh violence at the G20 conference today after police are pelted with bottles, pipe bombs and rattlesnakes!

written by Bureau, 02 April 2009
Rating:

Rihanna Shopping On eBay

Singer Rihanna has reportedly gone on eBay. She is looking to buy some self-esteem, some self-worth, some self-pride, and some high heel shoes that won't cause her to trip again (wink-wink).

written by Abel Rodriguez, 02 April 2009
Rating:

The Unbeliebably Quiet Sun

Sunspot expert David Hathaway of the Marshall Space Flight Center says, "This is the quietest sun we've seen in almost a century." Hathaway then added, "The moon however is coughing like hell."

written by Abel Rodriguez, 02 April 2009
Rating:

Lady GaGaGosh!

Lady GaGa performed live on American Idol. I guess that GaGa can best be described as what the biological baby of Amy Winehouse and Courtney Love would probably look like.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 02 April 2009
Rating:

Brits Hope Obama Joke Wasn't Old Monte Python Killer

Obama told a joke yesterday at G20 conference and P.M. Brown laughed...and laughed....and laughed until finally helped from his chair to backstage where he laid on the floor and laughed some more.

written by Bureau, 02 April 2009
Rating:

John Mayer...alias 'The Dumper"

John Mayer dumps Jennifer Aniston...again!!! Let's see that makes it the 24th time since the first of the year.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 02 April 2009
Rating:

Oh My Darling "Sidesaddle" Clementine

Cybill Shepherd's daughter Clementine reveals she's gay. Her mom blames herself. "I should have given her a more feminine name like Missy or Lizzy. No not Lizzy. Or Sissy, no not Sissy...oh hell."

written by Abel Rodriguez, 02 April 2009
Rating:

The Nicole Richie... Products

Nicole Richie announces that she is putting out a line of Nicole Richie designer shoes, bags, sunglasses, belts, etc. Okay, the only problem is...who the heck is Nicole Richie???

written by Abel Rodriguez, 02 April 2009
Rating:

Kelly Osbourne...Who's Your Daddy? Who's Your Mommy?

Kelly Osbourne after watching a replay of her family's new TV show called her attorney and told him to check into her family tree because after seeing that show her only hope is that she's adopted.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 02 April 2009
Rating:

The Guiding Light Guiding The Way For 72 Years

The American soap opera "The Guiding Light" is being cancelled after an amazing 72 year run. When asked why one of the GL producers noted, "Well...it just wasn't really guiding anymore."

written by Abel Rodriguez, 02 April 2009
Rating:

Megan "The Ditzy Blonde" Corkrey Is Outta Here

The latest American Idol castoff is Megan Corkrey. Judge Simon Cowell said, "She moved like a vulture, danced like an emu, and had the ugliest looking tattoo west of the Swanee River."

written by Abel Rodriguez, 02 April 2009
Rating:

Domino's Pizza Really Really Delivers

A Domino's Pizza bailout promotional glitch causes
Domino's to accidentally give away 11,000 free pizzas nationwide. Meanwhile Pizza Hut and Little Caesars say what a brillant (free) promo ploy!

written by Abel Rodriguez, 02 April 2009
Rating:

Chairman Geithner: Other Heads May Roll

Days after GM's CEO Rick Wagoner was forced out by the Obama administration, Chairman Timothy Geithner left open the possibility that such moves could happen again, according to party loyalty.

written by Bureau, 02 April 2009
Rating:

Hog Nuts Recalled

Still another recall as Farmhouse Fruits & Nuts announced a recall of Ole Time Hog Nuts from their East Tennessee headquarters. These Hog nuts could contain salmonella, as well as extra testosterone.

written by Bureau, 02 April 2009
Rating:

New Planet Spotted

A new technique has uncovered an extrasolar planet hidden in Hubble Space Telescope images taken 11 years ago. "You can clearly see coneheads waving and throwing kisses", states one.

written by Bureau, 02 April 2009
Rating:

Bring On The Stem Cells

Stem cells that could be used to restore hearing have been successfully created, scientists have said as Rush Limbaugh changes his position on stem cell research.

written by Bureau, 02 April 2009
Rating:

China Orders Respect

China has launched a website to encourage people to show respect to fallen revolutionary heroes online, the state news agency Xinhua has said. Computers will be checked monthly to see if you clicked.

written by Bureau, 02 April 2009
Rating:

Airbus Admits To Spying

Aircraft maker Airbus has admitted to spying on its staff in an attempt to uncover potential corruption in swiping of peanuts, ignoring those joining the mile-high club.

written by Bureau, 02 April 2009
Rating:

Reggae Star's Killers Sentenced

A South African judge has sentenced three men to life in prison for killing reggae star Lucky Dube in 2007 but dropped all charges against the group for killing the deputy.

written by Bureau, 02 April 2009
Rating:

China's Introduces Reforms

China has launched a three-month campaign to "eliminate unnatural deaths" of prison inmates and the 100 million "problem citizens" who cause unrest and unpleasantness.

written by Bureau, 02 April 2009
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Stern Respone To NKorean Missile Launch

US President Barack Obama and his South Korean counterpart have agreed a "stern, united response and that they will be given an F on their report card" following any rocket launch by North Korea.

written by Bureau, 02 April 2009
Rating:

G20 Singalong

Leaders of the world's largest economies are close to an agreement to tackle the global financial crisis. All twenty held hands on one occasion and sang the old Pink Floyd favorite, "Money".

written by Bureau, 02 April 2009
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BREAKING NEWS: G20 agree sale of world to China

World leaders meeting at the G20 summit in London have agreed to sell all the remaining countries in the world to China. China are paying US$42 for the world. More soon.

written by Mark James, 02 April 2009
Rating:

American Idol refuses to allow Megan Joy to be voted off

Said one judge, "she's to only blond and has the best rack, so why should we lose the eye candy?"

written by Jalapenoman, 02 April 2009
Rating:

Candy and Brewing Companies Announce "The Chocolate and Beer Diet"

You may not losing any weight following the new plan, but you're not going to care and it will taste better than that low fat crap!

written by Jalapenoman, 02 April 2009
Rating:

Memphis basketball coach quits to take millions as Kentucky basketball coach

Says "I'm leaving one five year contract to sign an eight year one. I hope that this new school doesn't expect me to honor it when a new offer comes along."

written by Jalapenoman, 02 April 2009
Rating:

Major Networks announce that there will be no more scripted series in the future

All shows will be reality TV because "we don't have to pay those pompous actors or writers any money this way."

written by Jalapenoman, 02 April 2009
Rating:

Michael Jackson Helps Law Officers

Law enforcement agencies are seeking scientists to develop an artificial nose that can detect the smell of fear as terrorists pass through security at airports. Michael Jackson hired as consultant.

written by Bureau, 02 April 2009
Rating:

Natalie Cole Fans Offer Kidney

Fans inundate Natalie Cole with offers of a kidney, as her own is failing. On the other hand, not a single fan has offered to donate a brain for Britney.

written by Bureau, 02 April 2009
Rating:

First Things First

The Kentucky Wildcats make an expensive splash with Calipari for new basketball coach, paying over $30 million. Meanwhile student aid is cut in half.

written by Bureau, 02 April 2009
Rating:

From The Bottom, Only Way To Go Is Up

United States auto sales plunged again in March, but bottom may be near as somebody bought a new SUV in east New Jersey and a Ford truck was sold in Dallas just this morning.

written by Bureau, 02 April 2009
Rating:

Nine Visit Emergency Room 2700 Times

Just nine people accounted for nearly 2,700 of the emergency room visits in the Austin area during the past six years, according to a recent report. "They're kind of like staff", stated one doctor.

written by Bureau, 02 April 2009
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