Spoof news snippets from Friday 17 April 2009
Paris Hilton and Britney Spear to Sue Susan Boyle
Paris Hilton and Britney Spear got drunk yesterday night because the media is ignoring her. They blamed Susan Boyle for the trauma. Paris and Britney are going to sue Susan Boyle.
Should Be Back In Service Soon
Kentucky Airport in Cub Run closes temporarily as guy on grain silo drops his bullhorn. Planes urged on to Bear Wallow Field.
Same As Drunken Sailor
Nation's Navies ask: What do you do with a captured pirate, Earl aye in the morning?
EPA Breakthrough
U.S. Environmental Protection Agency finds greenhouse gases pose a danger to human health, Pope is Catholic.
Obama Backs Mexican War On Drugs
US President Barack Obama has said the US is a "full partner" with Mexico in its fight against the drug cartels. Will send in 20,000 advisors.
Electro-pop Star Sued
Calvin Harris is being sued for the lyrics to his song 'The Girls' by a legendary 80's film star. As everyone knows, Chuck Norris gets all the girls.
General Motors Recall
The possibility of engine fires has prompted General Motors to recall nearly 1.5 million passenger sedans. One good thing, at least half of the recalled cars haven't been sold yet.
Yankee Stadium Opens
The new Yankee Stadium has opened. It's got luxury suites, gourmet restaurants and a gold tablet with the Top Twenty Yogi Berra sayings.
"Octo-Mom" Now Copyrighted
Nadya Suleman has copyrighted the name "Octo-Mom. She also says that she has been give a lifetime subscription to Breeder's World Magazine.
The Mafia Strategy
A report that the reason there are so many pirate hijackings is that the shipping companies have decided it is cheaper to pay them than change their shipping routes. This is called the Mafia Strategy.
The Baskin-Robbins Robber
A robber held up a Baskin-Robbins in Boston and he escaped with two banana splits, a hot fudge sundae, and $700 in cold cash.
The Venice Water Ho's
Due to the extreme drop in tourism, The Venice (Italy) Hooker's Association has had to lay-off 18 streetwalkers, or more accurately streetswimmers.
You Are Now Flying Southwest Airlines
Southwest Airlines reports a substantial loss in revenue. It vows to get out of the red by purchasing a much cheaper grade of jet fuel.
The Afghanistan Close-Out Sale
A White House insider reveals that the reason that we are still in Afghanistan is not because of the Taliban presence, but because of the Afghan Rug shortage in the United States.
Ford's New "Hot Air" Car
The Ford Motor Company says that they have built a small compact car that runs strictly on hot air. Unfortunately that would limit it to the area around the U.S. Senate.
California's Largest Mall To Fall
The Glendale Galleria Mall, one of California's biggest, states they'll file Chapter 11 protection from creditors. Teenage girls could be heard screaming and crying all the way up to Oakland.
The Profit Makers - Google and Yahoo
Google and Yahoo both post profits for the first quarter. So it appears that the secret to being a successful company is to have two "O's" in your name. Are you listening Foord and General Mootors?
The Little New York Times
The New York Times announces that in an effort to try and save money, they will shortly begin printing the daily newspaper on a single 3 by 5 index card.
The Flow of American Guns Into Mexico
President Obama speaking in Mexico has promised that he will curve the flow of illegal guns from the U.S. to Mexico. He reveals a plan to divert the guns to Cuba.
$1 Billion To Pakistan
The U.S. has pledged $1 billion to Pakistan to help battle extreme violence. Meanwhile citizens of Detroit wonder out loud collectively, well how about us?
Michelle's Map Tattoo
Mrs Obama confirmed she has a World map tattoo on her backside. "Barack uses it to bum up his geography, he likes the area where it says 'Here there be monsters'! Bo Wo Wo did not bite off Australia."
Proof Positive
Rookie mugger in New York City fingers the lady he mugged from his line-up position. "That's her, officer, I'd recognize her anywhere!"
US Envoy Busy
US envoy to hold talks with Abbas, Hamas, Hezbollah, Kurds, Shiites, Sunnis, Taliban, Al-Qaeda, Palestinian Liberation Organization....
Cuba Open To Talks With U.S.
Cuban President Raul Castro has said he is willing to talk to Washington about everything, including human rights, press freedom and political prisoners, Ricky and Lucy.
Pig Study Completed
Many of us eat bacon for breakfast without a thought for the animals that provide it, but what are pigs like? Richard da Costa, after study says "They mostly lie about, eat, burp & watch football."
Bone Voyage
A new airline scheduled to take off in the US fully expects its passengers to behave like animals as "Bone Voyage" to specialize in carrying dogs, mile-high customers.
Champagne Bottles Could Get Radical Top
A leading champagne producer plans to phase out the traditional cork in its bottles and replace it with a "revolutionary" metallic cap, similar to that cola people have been using for past 100 years.
Botswana Cuts Diamonds
The world's largest diamond mine producer, Botswana, is to cut output by more than half this year, because of falling demand for gems. "Maybe begin raising more sellable poppy."
Aussie PM Pissed
Australian Prime Minister Kevin Rudd has described people-smugglers as "scum" who should "rot in hell". "Otherwise, we must try to get along."
CIA Agents Not Prosecuted
CIA agents who used harsh interrogation techniques on terrorism suspects during the Bush era will not be prosecuted, US President Barack Obama has said. Instead, NYC ticker-tape parade planned.
Senator Lightens Load
Minnesota's senator lightens her load with humor, lots of fiber, sometimes laxatives.
US Nuclear Experts Depart NKorea
US nuclear experts depart North Korea. Leader complains, "First Iraq, then Iran, now this. I feel like someone's thrown a shoe at me."
Lichen Named After Obama
A newly discovered species of lichen - a plant-like growth that looks like moss or a dry leaf - has been named after President Obama. President says, "It's a start."
Hero Ship Captain Coming Home
The Captain of ship seized by pirates to come home. May form new political party with Joe The Plumber, star in movie with Julia Roberts, compete on Dancing With The Stars.
Hitler Paintings Auctioned
Adolf Hitler's paintings 'go under the hammer' in Germany. Also, under the stomping foot and under the piss.
Shooter Laughed A Lot
Co-workers describe shooter as a joking family man. If fact, he was often heard laughing hysterically at finance reports.
Citigroup Reassures Shockholders
Citigroup posts better-than-expected results as it lost less than a billion dollars in the first quarter, reassuring all it's Shockholders.
Breakthrough
Philosophers at Oxford University researching 'The Meaning of Life', have revealed that indeed, the Hokey Cokey, is what it's all about.
Queen Visits Auschwitz
The Queen will today visit Auschwitz Concentration Camp in Poland to honour those who died there. Her own cousin lost his life in the camp when he slipped and fell out of his guard tower.
Wrestler Cures Cancer
Rico Rodriquez, Mexico's top masked wrestler has claimed to have developed a move to cure cancer. The Supremo-suplex is claimed to send vibrations through the body which destroy cancer cells. Arbiba!
Watch out William!
Coronation Street's Ken Barlow, played by William Roache is due to face the wrath of God after saying that "Christianity is a brainwashing activity of the Church." Looks like you are on your own Ken!
Scottish police have Jedi
Strathclyde police are using no less than eight Jedi warriors in their fight against crime. "We were told to use the force!" They said.
Sounds A Little Fishy
WeBeCare Insurance Company, whose HQ's is in Turkey Trot, Arkansas, is being questioned by the FDA after their yearly breast exams were done at Hooters & why it's endorsed by a former U.S. President.
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