Spoof news snippets from Wednesday 15 April 2009
Two-Headed Man Named Top FBI Interrogator
After 20 years as a double-agent, the FBI today named Gooden Meaney, reknowned for his 'good cop/bad cop' grilling techniques, as head(s) of its criminal interrogation unit.
Obama - DC Debut
On his debut for DC United which saw him red carded on five minutes play for constant hand ball Obama said "I kept looking for a ten foot high hoop to net a slam dunk!"
Source - D.C. Sports Bog
Porn Actor Jailed for Sexual Harassment
Talked dirty and groped female co-star. Offered lame excuse "I thought the cameras were rolling." Now called Buffy and starring in underground prison gay sex videos.
Zamboni Navy to Rebuild Polar Ice Cap
At last week's meeting, the G20 announced the purchase of a fleet of floating Zamboni machines to rebuild the north polar ice cap in a desperate attempt to defeat global warming.
Roto-Rooter to Offer Colonoscopies
To expand its business, Roto-Rooter announced a 2 for 1 offer of pipe inspection and in-house colonoscopy. Prompt treatment of blockages is promised with their dual-use FireHose vacuum snake probe.
American economy worsens!
The American economy is getting worse day by day. It is noticeable that the Native American Indians are changing their casinos back into reservations.
Diseases Making Comeback
London suffering from shocking rise in rare 'Victorian' diseases like the plague, scurvy, rickets and bad leech infections.
Cats speak out
Cats accuse Obama of prejudice for not having a "first Cat".
Woman Suffers Burns
Woman hospitalized with burns to her face and neck after using an infomercial advertised Home Face and Neck Burner Kit.
Headmaster Watched Porn At School
Headmaster at Boris Johnson primary watched porn in his school office. Pleads that home computer was in for repairs.
Potholes Natural Speed Control
A council has made the astonishing decision not to repair potholes for a year because they're the original traffic calming measure. Next: Murderers could solve overpopulation!
Enforced Holidaymaking
Thousands of British holidaymakers may be trapped for days as French fishermen blockade Channel. "We're using the old stiff upper lip and forcing ourselves to holiday a bit more", states 1 poor soul.
The Burger Merger
Jack-in-The-Box Restaurant is merging with Big Boy Restaurant. The new restaurant name will be Big Boy-in-The Box.
The M & M Eating Champion
A Boise, Idaho man won the M & M Eating Contest. Ty Zook ate 4,702 M & M's in two minutes. He was later disqualified when one of the judges, (a blonde) said half of the M & M's were actually W & W's.
Mexico's Illegal Alien Problem
Mexico says that the illegal alien problem is getting out of hand. They say that putting up a fence between Mexico and Guatemala is too expensive so they have opted for installing an aligator moat.
Steve-O Voted Off Of "Dancing With The Stars"
Steve-O (of Jackass fame) has been voted off of "Dancing With The Stars." He told host Tom Bergeron that dancing was the most difficult stunt of his professional career.
NASA's Next Space Station
NASA has decided to name the next space station after former Vice President Dick Cheney. NASA is looking for a January 2010 date for the inaguration of The Arrogant Dick Space Station.
Where's Macauley Culkin?
Police raided Michael Jackson's home. They reportedly found 10,000 Home Alone coloring books.
Fat Guy Nearly Smothers Richard Simmons
A really fat guy in New York City has seriously injured Richard Simmons after recognizing him on the street and tackling him before he could get away.
Flower Power
England have named ex-Zimbabwe captain Andy Flower as the man to oversee their bid to regain the Ashes. Flower: I'll whip these pansies into shape!
Horrid Man Bites Playful Python
A Kenyan man bit a python who wrapped him in its coils and dragged him up a tree during a fierce three-hour struggle, police have told the BBC. PETA is already there and on the job.
Bad Phorm, Here! Here!
Amazon has said it will not allow online advertising system Phorm to scan its web pages to produce targeted ads, except for the genuine penis stretching ones.
Swiss Bank Changes
Switzerland's biggest bank, UBS, has said it will seek to cut costs by shedding 8,700 jobs, nationalizing all foreign accounts by next year.
Saudi Marriage Proposals
Saudi Arabia says it plans to start regulating the marriage of young girls, amid controversy over a union between a 60-year-old man and a girl of eight. "The male should be 55 or younger!"
Iran With Another Proposal
President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad says Iran has prepared new proposals aimed at resolving his country's nuclear dispute with the West. "But you must keep us in the news headlines in some other way."
French Blockade
Ferry operator P&O has cancelled all it's Dover to Calais crossings due to a blockade by French fishing boats using giant water-omelets.
Pirates Now Using Grenades
Pirates have used rocket-propelled grenades and automatic weapons to attack another US merchant ship off the coast of Somalia. Will Obama respond like Carter or Kennedy? Stay tuned.
Following Their Leaders
As a deep recession strips Americans of jobs, homes and investments, the 2009 U.S. tax season promises to see a large uptick in first-time delinquent taxpayers, esp. with half of DC not paying up.
13-Year-Old Bank Robber
A 13-year-old boy who police say was caught red-handed a block away was accused on Tuesday of robbing a bank in Peoria of $100 and a whole box of free lollipops.
South Finally On The Rise?
Don't Mess With Texas: Governor declares state sovereignty. Washington told to keep it's ass in Washington, DC. Other southern state leaders gathering in Richmond, Va.
Red Mercury for Sale - $60 per Kilogram
1998 Mystique in Toreador Red curb weight 1284Kg, hence $77040. Buyer collects.
Tom Watson MP in Libel Case
MP Tom Watson has hired solicitors Carter Ruck to defend him after allegations made during the 'Smeargate' controversy. Watson is to sue over the 'base slur' that he's a competent, hardworking MP.
Lesbian ants inhabit Amazon
Scientists have discovered a species of ant that inhabits the Amazon. It does not have the sex to reproduce but relies on cloning the Queen. Isn't life strange?
Vanessa and Ashley's close friendship
Although the two are seen as best friends this relationship has always been seen as a little too close. Both girls exchange a lengthy kiss Tuesday at the "17 Again" premier in Hollywood.
Zanessa Fight
Zac Efron and girlfriend Vanessa Hudgens spoke quite loudly over the phone claiming that they were tired of the paparazzi and their baby rumors, although sources close to them say, they're expecting.
Baby Shower for the Zanessa Clan
Zac Efron and girlfriend Vanessa Hudgens are expecting baby number one, and while they are going out of their way to hide it from the world a baby shower is in fact in place for July 20th.
Vanessa Hudgens and Zac Efron are trying to hide the brunette's baby bump
Vanessa Hudgens and boyfriend Zac Efron are doing whatever it takes to hide the brunette's baby bump, clmaing their not expecting while the star is in fact two months along.
Nadine Dorries: PM Apology 'Not Good Enough'
Tory MP Nadine Dorries has rejected Gordon Brown's apology as 'unsatisfactory', pointing out it's written in felt-tip. Sources at No 10 said that Mr Brown isn't allowed sharp things.
Alien Arrested For Public Disturbance
Man in Vermont bookstore escorted out by police officer after knocking books from Sci-Fi section and yelling, "Those people wouldn't know an alien if I dangled my petals in front of their faces!"
Woody Warned Again
Woody Allen told once again that it's "Take You Daughter To Work Day", not "Take Your Daughter To Bed Day".
A Star Is Brung Up
Whole town of Boonesville, West Virginia turns out to welcome hometown star after her appearance on nationwide television infomercial audience.
Prez May Take A Rest
Barack & Michelle Obama plan vacation soon where they can relax and spend a few days just enjoying thinking up new ways of taxing and spending.
Saving Arctic Ice
Study: Massive emissions cuts can save Arctic ice. Old Farts told to stay indoors as much as possible as gas tends to go into their ceilings.
Demjanjuk Released
Feds release accused Nazi prison guard Demjanjuk after the old guy's leg falls off while they're carrying him from his house.
Obama: Pitfalls Before Recovery
President Obama says 'pitfalls' ahead before economy recovers. "Oh there will be days when the streets will run red with blood & famine & disease epidemics, but by 2012, it will settle down."
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