Spoof news snippets from Tuesday 14 April 2009
Jaime Foxx Offers to Make Sex Tape With Miley Cyrus...
...photographed shoving marijuana in her mouth and trying to smoke her crack.
Victoria's Secret Sale
Victoria's Secret launches their annual "Buy one cup, get one cup free!" Spring sales.
Yanni Audience Grows
"Yah Nee, He's Da Man" moves up this week to number 3,245 on the U.S. Top 5,000 Rap Hit Parade!
KFC Grilling Chicken
Kentucky Grilled Chicken? Kentucky Fried Chicken rolling out their grilled chicken menu as KGC say they may start frying their chicken.
U.S. Left Wing Extremists Blame Right Wing Extremism
The recession is fueling right-wing extremism, U.S. Communist Party claims. "Making Stalin out to be another Hitler!"
Troops May Have To Stay Longer Than Whenever
Spate of Iraq attacks may force U.S. troops to stay past the deadline. Does anyone know when deadline that is?
Sucking Up Fine With Some
Workers "sucking up" to their bosses is bad for business say experts. "Leave them alone", state bosses.
Street renamed during economic downturn
The economy is so bad Wall Street had to sell advertising rights to its street name.
It's now Wal-Mart Street.
Obama Tempers Optimism
President Obama tempers optimism with reality on economy. "We're all ging there in his hand basket together!"
Great Jumpin' Boobies!
Doctor 'told woman with a sore throat to undress so he could pump and knead her breasts' called into court, also ordered to bring trampoline used in breast therapy.
Mad inventor to get police warning
Eccentric Nottingham businessman,Joe Weston-Webb has been warned by police not to fire a Roman catapult full of chicken droppings in case the shit hits the fan - particularly when Forest are playing!
Barney Frank upset not to be taken by Somali Pirates
After missing out on being taken with force, Frank will show his support of tea bagging on April 15th as a counter protest to conservative tea bag protests to be held across the nation.
Titanic Memorial trip cancelled
Due to global warming, the forthcoming Titanic Memorial Cruise is to be cancelled because by April 11th 2012 (100 years later) there will be no icebergs floating around for a re-enactment.
Mexico's "Fantastic" Tourist Deal!
Mexico reports that due to the ongoing drug cartel wars, tourism has dropped off by 90 percent. In order to encourage tourists they are offering all tourists a free margarita and a bullet proof vest.
Lindsay Lohan and Marilyn Monroe
Lindsay Lohan has been asked to play Marilyn Monroe in the film, Marilyn's Puppies. Lohan said that she will take the role on the condition that Samantha Ronson be hired to play Joe Dimaggio.
The Pennsylvania Illegal Homemade Pies
The state of Pennsylvania is cracking down on illegal homemade pies that are sold at church events. Residents fear that next they may go after Girl Scout Cookies, Twinkies, and Ho Ho's.
The Very, Very Rich Soon-To-Be Ex-Mrs. Mel Gibson
Mel Gibson's wife Robyn files for divorce. Gibson is worth $900 million. Robyn will get half of the money, the mansion, and her jewelry. Mel will get the brewery, the wine cellar, and the beer truck.
The Denver Branch of The U.S. Mint
There is a rumor circulating that the Denver branch of the U.S. Mint may be closing. A spokesperson for the U.S. Mint said not to worry, because the other branches will produce all the mints we need.
Jamie Foxx Disses Little Old Miley Cyrus
Jamie Foxx slammed Miley Cyrus because she dissed Radiohead. When Miley heard about Foxx's X-rated rant she asked, "Jamie Foxx? Wasn't he that dude who played on 'Roots' over 40 years ago?"
The Women Joggers of Reno
The city of Reno, Nevada has mandated that women cannot wear sweatpants while jogging. Councilmen Merv "Click-Click" Frygate said that the reason is because we want our women joggers to look sexy.
Michael Caine Attacks African
Taking a leaf out of Woody Harrelson's book, Caine attributed the assault to being traumatised by filming Zulu in the 1960s, and still being in character.
Sends "Racist" Irish Joke Email
Senior council worker will be disciplined for sending out a 'racist' Irish joke email by having to wear knee britches and kissing the Blarney Stone.
Yada, Yada, Yada!!
Somali pirates in a brazen challenge to Obama and allies as they hijack FOUR more ships and open fire on a fifth while displaying buttocks over the port side.
Prince William Did Something Bad
Prince William reportedly grounded a £1m RAF plane in training by flicking the wrong dohickey and 'overcooking' engine thingamabob say experts!
Wheeling & Dealing
The plight of the downsizers: Record number of middle classes desperate to sell homes are now making large scale trades for gypsy caravans on wheels.
First Things First
All 114 power station protest suspects have been released as pre-emptive arrests spark civil liberties row. Suspects sent back to finish sabotage, THEN can be legally arrested.
Stars Ending In Supernova
Researchers have come up with a theory for how stars can end in a spectacular so-called Type Ia supernova in less than 100 million years........How about those Somalia pirates, huh?
E-Mails Apology Issued Again
The government has defended its response to revelations that a Downing Street adviser sent e-mails discussing slurs against leading Conservatives. "He said he was sorry. We're OK with that."
Iran, NKorea May Go After Pirates
A Filipino merchant ship pirated off the coast of Somalia today was thought to be the work of those Somali pirates. Meanwhile, Iran, North Korea, Bin Laden complaining about lack of publicity.
Spector's Wall Of Sound
Record producer Phil Spector has been found guilty, after retrial, of murdering actress Lana Clarkson at his home in Los Angeles. He will now be surrounded by a Wall of Bars.
Read Your Tailhairs, Sir?
The diet and behavior of elephants evidenced by the chemical makeup of their tail hairs shows how they compete with other species, manage to fly with their ears, researchers say.
Chris Brown's New Girlfriend
Chris Brown's new girlfriend is Erica Jackson. When asked about Rihanna, he said, "I'm through with Rihanna, I got tired of her tripping on her heels and making it seem like I beat her or something."
Tit For Tat
The Lohan-Nicks Feud: Fleetwood Mac singer Stevie Nicks said that Lindsay Lohan is a 22-year-old has-been. Lohan says that Nicks the ex-spinning gypsy queen has turned into a 60-year-old Salem witch.
Sir Paul McCartney's New Old Gal
Paul McCartney, 66, has been dating Nancy Shevell, 49, since his divorce from Heather Mills. When he was told that Nancy looks a lot like Yoko Ono, Sir Paul replied, "Nope, Yoko's a lot shorter."
G.M. Recall
General Motors recalling 1.5M vehicles over potential fires. Say they will replace with new cars for only $18,000.
Castro: Lift Cruel Embargo
Castro insists US go further, "Lift your cruel embargo, let us have our Russian missiles restored."
Still High Demand For Personal Info
Demand remains high for stolen personal data as there's still some people in China and India identity thieves don't yet have info on.
Small Cars Fail Collision Tests
Small cars get poor marks in collision tests as Indian car, dummies still cannot be found after test collision with Hummer.
Franken Takes Lead
Latest round in Minnesota Senate race goes to Al Franken. At present rate, race should be officially over by the 2012 elections.
Nevada Woman Hits Jackpot
Nevada woman who hits $33 million jackpot at casino pays her taxes up front, purchases largest mattress ever made.
Somali Pirates Undeterred
Undeterred Somali pirates hijack three more ships, two submarines and lost whaler floating on a wooden coffin.
N.Korea Restarts Nuclear Reactor?
N.Korea has vowed to restart its nuclear reactor and to boycott talks for good in retaliation for the U.N. condemnation of its rocket launch. Also, pirates are bogarting all the attention.
UK scientists make Alzheimer's drug possible
British scientists have developed a new drug to combat the effects of Alzheimer's disease. Unfortunately they have forgotten the ingredients that make up the drug.
Absolutism Is Not Absolutism
Only monarchical power is absolutism, presidential or parliamentary absolutism is not, the French President said Tuesday. He continued, saying war is not war, and Carla Bruni is not Carla Bruni.
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