Spoof news snippets from Wednesday 1 April 2009
No Such Country As Afghanistan, Either
Iran has denied that a meeting took place between their main rep at an international conference on Afghanistan and a senior US official. "Besides, there was no conference on Afghanistan," he stated.
Nuclear Warhead Reduction
Russia and the US are to reopen negotiations about reducing their nuclear warheads in a new "I'll show you mine if you'll show me yours", presidents Dmitry Medvedev and Barack Obama have said.
Obama's Aunt Can Stay
A US judge has ruled that a Kenyan aunt of President Barack Obama can legally stay in the US until next year. She is scheduled Monday to have a mobile home pulled into the Rose Garden.
Gore Is 61, (Around Waist Also)
Yesterday former Vice President Al Gore celebrated his 61st birthday by eating a birthday cake along with his usual noon meal, a regular cake.
Podin Me Your Majesty
Barack Obama met the Queen at Buckingham Palace & gave her a gift of an iPod with video footage of her 2007 U.S. visit to Richmond & Williamsburg, Virginia, which she placed alongside her other iPod.
Baby Chicks Can Count
Baby chicks can do arithmetic, say researchers in Italy, but don't count them before they're hatched they warn.
Sicilian Couple Defy Mafia
A Sicilian couple are planning a wedding designed to keep money out of the pockets of the mafia. The wedding will begin with the ceremonial "Dance Around The Horse's Head!"
U.S., Russia Talking Again
Russia and the US are to reopen negotiations about reducing their nuclear warheads, presidents Dmitry Medvedev and Barack Obama have said, after the first non-nuckler talks in eight years.
Madoff Shipwrecked
Marshals in Florida have seized a luxury yacht and a smaller boat belonging to disgraced US financier Bernard Madoff. "The only shipping he's going to do is being shipped to prison" stated an officer.
Lenin's Ass Blown Away!
One of Russia's most famous statues of Vladimir Lenin has been bombed, leaving the Bolshevik revolutionary with a gaping hole in his ass, which he was.
Catholic birth contol latest
Catholic men were urged today to get reluctant wives to swallow, by making them eat halloumi cheese to get them used to the taste.
MI5 and FBI use new spy deterent
Spy chiefs have decided that a Post-It notes stuck beneath the noses of their agents is an ideal deterrent to lip-reading spys.
Tramps to get real beds
Disgarded pallets were told today make ideal 'designer futons' for style-conscious tramps.
Alcoholics dont panic help is at hand
Alcoholics were told today: Don't worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to the pub, where a large selection is available at retail prices.
Careful what you wipe your arse with warning
Health chiefs warn to check that your wife has not accidentally left Flash Toilet Wipes on top of the cistern instead of the usual Andrex moist bum wipes will avoid cross words and marital discord.
Ray Mears To fight obesity
Cuddly Ray Mears has decided to lose those extra pounds by not constantly grazing on grass and leaves like some kind of prize-winning cow.
New Skateboarders warning will save nasty injuries:
Stop your trousers from falling halfway down your arse by wearing a strip of perforated leather with a buckle around your waist.
Real Ale Drinkers Fight Back
In a bid to rid pubs of cheap beer, real ale drinkers are convincing bar staff that their pints are off by sticking their fingers up their arse before holding the glass close to the barman's nose.
Stamp out Fatties
Fat people are being advised to take a tip from smokers and stop their cravings for chips by Sellotaping a crisp to the top of their arm each morning.
Cure for Asian Bird Flu
Asian Bird Flu it has been found could be quickly and easily eradicated by adding a few drops of Lemsip or Daynurse to birdbaths. Obviously, you would have to put Nightnurse in the birdbaths for owls.
Obese need to learn to blend in
"Your overloaded plate is more likely to go undetected if you don't sing, whistle or hum with delight at the buffet," warned food fanatic Gordon Ramrod.
Gordons Put Fuel up again
Consumers advised to save money by putting much larger wheels on the back of their car. That way you will always be going downhill, thereby saving on fuel.
Man Cleared Of Rape Charge
Man cleared of rape after the court was shown phone footage of woman 'actively' taking part in sex. "It was that 20th showing that convinced me", stated one juror.
How Henry VIII Dressed
How Henry VIII dressed to kill despite his rapidly expanding waistline to be revealed. "Is that a second belly or are you just glad to see me?"
Biodegradable Gum Out
At last, a biodegradable chewing gum that doesn't stick around as Mexican creation hits Britain. "Guaranteed to wear off your shoe in 24 hours."
Lap Dancing Bear?
Premier League star Djibril Cissé has been arrested on suspicion of assault following an incident outside a facility where a lap dancing bear was featured. "Thought it said bar."
Also Eye Strain
BT manager who 'suffered curved neck after spending hours bent over laptop, eyeballing co-worker's legs, sues for £100,000.
Fired Auto Workers Give Demands
Car parts firm workers storm factories in bid to save jobs. Say they won't leave until allowed to drive away cars they built for themselves during their occupation.
"Stupid Is As Stupid Does"
The Pope is 'stupid', says Richard Dawkins after pontiff's claim that condoms increase AIDS. "Everyone knows you can get it from toilet seats, handling frogs."
No One Expects The License Fee Police!
Licence fee police may target you for watching TV on Net, at a friend or family member's house or while in the malls.
Gitmo Prison Beautiful
Reigning Miss Universe Dayana Mendoza of Venezuela has described the notorious Guantanamo Bay prison as a 'relaxing, calm and beautiful place', "if only those ugly bearded ruffians would go away."
"Body Part" Killer Still Loose
Severed head found dumped in field, toe in Mayor's porridge, as manhunt for 'body part' killer continues.
Football - Scotland battles with frozen food: loss expected
Following last month's 5-1 gubbing at the hands of Farmfoods, Scotland tonight take on Iceland at Hampden. 'A win is unlikely,' said manager Geroge Burly,'due to us being the Scotland football team.'
Obama: Affinity, Kinship Wih Brown
Our special 'affinity and kinship': Gushing Obama makes up for Washington snub at breakfast with Brown by calling him "an angel of light".
World's Most Powerful Laser
World's most powerful laser prepares to mimic nuclear reactions at the center of the Sun. Russian, Chinese leaders at G-20 conference ask, "Is it hot in here or is it me?"
Whole Frontal Bodyscan
The makers of the whole body airport scanner that reveals your underwear, which is now operating in some airports, has been besieged by orders from private firms & individuals.
Brullie The Frog
Bullfrog Brullie has hopped into history as the second of his kind to be fitted with a steel pin to repair a broken leg. Gertie, the first frog made news after French lady sued cafe over broken tooth.
Thermostat Wars
Women living in cooler climates are more likely to give birth to boys than those in the tropics, a study has shown. This could explain married couples "Thermostat Wars" later on.
Toilet Wars
Cold war breaks out in orbit between Russia and U.S. over sharing toilets on International Space Station as turds float around inside the station.
Injured man survives bush ordeal
A Yorkshire born hiker has told how he survived the New Zealand bush for nine days. Meanwhile, Americans have told how they survived the Bush administration for eight years!
Worm Fails To Materialize, Still In Apple
The chaos predicted by some as the Conficker worm updates itself have so far failed to materialize. Nurky, biloboo finny hanny hoo hoo peka dooka.
Pardon Sought
Pardon sought for first black heavyweight champ for beating the crap out of all his white opponents.
North Thretens Foreign Aircraft
North Korea's Kim Jung Il has threatened to shoot down any spy planes, UFO's, people in lawn chairs with balloons.
Pakistan Suspects Missile American
Pakistan: Suspected US missile kills 12 militants as shell remains had red, white & blue flag, "Yes We Can" and "Go Steelers" on it.
NYC Jews Take Amish On Tour
NYC's ultra-Orthodox Jews took the Pa. Amish on a walking tour of their world Tuesday, saying their communities are naturally drawn to each other with a commitment to simpler lifestyles, beards.
Surviving Salmonella
Surviving Salmonella: Rule #1. Do Not eat salmonella sandwiches or pizza, even if you're hungry and it looks good. This is a trick. #2. Even if Salmonella's shoe fits, beware! She is no Cinderella.
Obama Tries To Rally World
President Obama tries to rally the world to cope with present downturn by bringing out his old college cheerleader's outfit and begins "Yes, We Can!" cheer.
Maybe Before December
The United States and Russia hope to have in place a new nuclear arms deal before the existing treaty expires in December, when we'd be punching away at all those red buttons and all of us die.
P.O. Stamps You Don't Want To Lick
The United States Postal Service will be issuing stamps featuring the characters of the cartoon show, "The Simpsons." Next in line are The Loch Ness Monster and The Abominable Snowman.
There Is No Mumbling In Baseball
Have you ever noticed that the less a person knows the more they tend to mumble.
The Land O'Lakes Drying Up
The Land O'Lakes Butter Company in an attempt to ward of bankruptcy plans on selling off everyone of their lakes. The company's new name will be The Land O'Lakeless Butter Company.
Sarah Palin's Consignment Shop Changes Name
Out of the Closet owner Ellen Arvold changes store name to Second Run, "We needed to change our name to protect our identity- we are in the business of selling vintage clothing-not snake oil."
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