The 'Lower 48' Grocery Stores
In the 'Lower 48' states all of the grocery stores have a little area which they refer to as the 'frozen food' section. In Alaska that little area is referred to as the 'unfrozen food' section.
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Paulson Proposes National Lottery to Bail Out Nation's Economy!
Dubbed "U-Collect", the $100 scratch offs could payout as many as 1,000 mortgages for the top prize, and be reduced to as little as one mortgage on a leveraged crack house in South Chicago.
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written by
Morse, 26 September 2008
Pakistan President Worried
Pakistan President Zardari admits he's worried after three suicide bombers blow themselves up in the middle of an empty field on a practice run.
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written by
Bureau, 26 September 2008
Sensible Sign
A sign has been erected on the lawn at a drug rehabilitation centre in Liverpool. It reads: 'Keep off the Grass.'
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Bargain discovery
In Iraq, Iran, Morocco and other Middle East outdoor markets you can find bazaar items for sale.
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Gun Law enforced
In Waco, Texas today, a rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
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Biden to Queen Mudder: I Have Diplegia...what's that?
QM Responded:"Something every ASS SPEAK gets once in awhile. But you also must be dyslectic, 'cause you can't read the cue cards and its giving your female constituents Dysmemorrhea" (fart mess)
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written by
Morse, 26 September 2008
How Many Flowers Does $100,000 Buy in Chicago?
Obama said he didn't know either, explaining the 2001 Botanical Garden grant he authorized for his former campaign manager. Reports indicate a few ho's were bought, but nobody else got "planted".
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written by
Morse, 26 September 2008
Guardian Sponsors Muslim Pole Dancer to Perform at Obama Fundraiser!
Yasim Fostok, 27, daughter of exiled UK militant Muslim cleric Omar Bakri Mohammed, said she will perform her naked, caged, fire breathing act to support Barack and endorse Sharia Court System.
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written by
Morse, 26 September 2008
Police Raid
Police in Manhattan raid illegal gambling establishment secretly located in room behind blacksmith shop on Fifth Avenue.
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written by
Bureau, 26 September 2008
Depression More Common
A new study reveals that depression is more common among shiftless, good for nothing sorry bunch of poor excuses for human beings.
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written by
Bureau, 26 September 2008
Somalian Pirates Return 25 of 33 Hijacked Tanks to Putin!
Disgusted pirates said they didn't want any more Russian junk. Sea trials with 8 of the tanks resulted in the drowning death of 400 Somali Marines and the Navy crews piloting them.
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written by
Morse, 26 September 2008
Identity Theft
On the lighter side, John Doe of Derby has been laughing ever since he had his identity stolen four weeks ago.
"Everybody offers me a drink for the story", stated John.
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written by
Bureau, 26 September 2008
Hilton Gives Grudging Respect
Paris Hilton says she doesn't care for Sarah Palin but admires her ability to field dress a moose. "I mean, what color would look good on a moose, especially out in a field?"
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written by
Bureau, 26 September 2008
Clintons Help Obama
Hillary and Bill Clinton, accused of not campaigning hard enough for Obama, promised to help bring in the Hillbillery
vote in West Virginia, Kentucky and Tennessee.
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written by
Bureau, 26 September 2008
Bush Speech
President Bush, in a speech to the nation Wednesday night , said that if there is no bail-out of Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, the stock market loses could be spectaculator!
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written by
Bureau, 26 September 2008
Chernobyl Improving
The Chernobyl Press reports that things are finally changing and the average baby born there is now down to 1.32 heads.
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written by
Bureau, 26 September 2008
Arkansas Poll
A new political poll taken in Arkansas Thursday shows McCain with 41%, Obama with 37% and 22% "It don't make me no nevermind".
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written by
Bureau, 26 September 2008
Auto Bail-Out
The United States has approved a 25 Billion bail-out for the auto makers of the new high-milage methane-fueled Ford Fartknocker, Dodge Defecator and the subcompact Chevy Crap.
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written by
Bureau, 26 September 2008
Disease Spreading
World Health Organization warns that, with so many elections going on around the world, Foot In Mouth Disease is spreading rapidly.
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written by
Bureau, 26 September 2008
Red State Withdraw
Study: Obama win could cause red states to withdraw from the Union. Both sides already writing patriotic songs to inspire themselves.
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written by
Bureau, 26 September 2008
The Point of no Return
Climatologists say we have reached the point of no return on global warming. It happened Monday morning when some Brooklyn kid rode his motorcycle to the end of his driveway to pick up their mail.
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written by
Bureau, 26 September 2008
Cuban Space Program
Cuba has announced that Russia will help them build a space program. Reports say that by Spring, 2009, the world will have it's first orbiting 1962 Volkswagen Beetle.
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written by
Bureau, 26 September 2008
Israel's Idea Bombs
Word is out that Israel asked the USA for a green light to bomb Iran. Bush replied, "No, no way, no how." he then said, "Damnit, if anybody's gonna bomb Iran it's gonna be me!"
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Investors Move Money From Stock Market to Commodities
Resulting mattress shortage drives prices sky-high.
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Doctors Perform Public Service During Ops on Politicians!
Responding to Buckwheat, one Pols Penis was removed for "not doing dick", the other's rectum was stapled shut resulting in no BM for 17 days! Doc saying "what a break, none of his shit for 3 weeks!"
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written by
Morse, 26 September 2008
New Hope For Banks
President Bush's $700Billon Bail Out Plan, has stalled, causing chaos, The FTSE 100 responded did positively however, after Bush revealed a much cheaper Plan B which sees the US invade Iran.
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Noted Orthopedic Surgeon states: "Jay walking can be healthy for you"
Dr. Bonemeister,noted Orthopedic Surgeon stated that: "While jay walking can be detrimental at times. The overall affect of improving hand, eye, and muscle coordination, cannot be overlooked.
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Rep. Alcee Hastings Derides Palin...ooops!
The former Federal Judge, impeached for criminal bribes referred to the Gov. as "one who stripped moose and carried a gun" Aides said he was fantasizing about former defendants he met "in chambers"
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written by
Morse, 26 September 2008
