Charlie & Company
Scientists discover that tuna swim across the Atlantic. Hey guys, it's a fish. It's supposed to swim. Now if you ever discover that tuna can climb Pikes Peak - then you've got a story!
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High Tide
Tons and tons of debris from Hurricane Ike have been washing up on Texas beaches, items like loveseats, guitars, TV's, and Huckabee for President signs.
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Obama 1, McCain 0
In a big political concession, John McCain decides to abandon his election campaign efforts in Michigan. Joe Biden reportedly screams out, "Okay, that's one down and just 49 more to go!"
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Author Fails To Show
Ahmad Jamal Faraz has cancelled his appearance at Barnes & Noble to autograph his new book, "Mohammed Shmohammed" as he claims he can't see well enough to write his name with his head missing.
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written by
Bureau, 02 October 2008
Rat Fancy Report
Report In Rat Fancy Magazine: Laboratory rats are 99% more likely to take harmful drugs than those outside on the streets.
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written by
Bureau, 02 October 2008
Hillary Clinton Reported Missing...
...but not by Bill.
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John Barrowman acting out of character
John Barrowman, star of the massively bisexual drama Torchwood, has today shocked people by NOT wiggling his bum, showing his manly bits, laughing manically or telling people he is a born entertainer.
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Donald Duck found dead, stuffed inside an unidentified turkey.
Body of renown character actor Foghorn Leghorn discovered inside Donald's body cavity. Fowl play suspected.
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written by
Kilroy, 02 October 2008
Al Gore Upset Once Again
Al Gore, extremely upset after a Mennonite farmer hitched his horse & buggy to his right arm as Gore stood thinking outside a Cracker Barrel Restaurant, has deciced once again not to sue.
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written by
Bureau, 02 October 2008
Car Hits McDonalds
The customers at a McDonald's in Campobello, S.C. were surprised today when a drunk driver came smashing into the lobby. The only one injured was the driver who stated,
"Ith said drive-thru winder."
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written by
Bureau, 02 October 2008
Better Than Punxutawney Phil
Idiot Savant Weatherman who can tell you what the weather was like on any day since 1500 and once correctly predicted exactly 18,111 snowflakes, shows up at TV station without pants once again.
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written by
Bureau, 02 October 2008
Stockbroker Arrested
Police lead away a handcuffed stockbroker who completely lost it and made an actual killing on the stockmarket floor this morning.
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written by
Bureau, 02 October 2008
Name Change
The Weather Channel, hoping to lure more viewers by spicing things up a bit, changes name to the "Raw Nature Rapes Mother Earth Once Again" Channel.
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written by
Bureau, 02 October 2008
Newly Formed P.A. To Meet Soon
Procrastinators Anonymous, who are planning to meet sometimes real soon, say their motto is "To Begin Taking It One Tomorrow At A Time".
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written by
Bureau, 02 October 2008
The Somali Bad Boys
President Bush was asked about the Somali Pirates and he replied, "What? When the hell did they move from Pittsburgh?"
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Obama Earmarks $157,000 to Bailout Oprah's Momma!
Oprah's Momma, Vernita Lee, is in trouble, AGAIN. After settling a $175k clothing bill in 2002, says she will sue store for extending more credit to feed her habit. Obama pledges "racist bill" Bailout.
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written by
Morse, 02 October 2008
McCain/Obama Support New Bailout
"McCain and Obama announce support for the new bailout,
While Bush & Pelosi run in circles, scream & shout!"
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written by
Bureau, 02 October 2008
Chicago Tavern Hangs Nude Palin Portrait
A tavern in Chicago's liberal area has hung a nude Sarah Palin portrait over the bar. Much to the owner's surprise, half the customers have now switched their votes to McCain/Palin ticket.
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written by
Bureau, 02 October 2008
Gift Plant Already Dead
A girlfriend's houseplant gift has died after only two parties, apparently from over-watering. "I never should have placed it anywhere near the bathroom floor", says student.
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written by
Bureau, 02 October 2008
New From Columbia House
New customers can now get twelve free grams of cocaine for a penny from the Columbia Cocaine Club with subscription to Columbia's All-Prime Hits, The Cocaine Crackhouse Club!
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written by
Bureau, 02 October 2008
Either You Buy It Or You've Bought It
U.S. bans new Japanese car with computer that threatens to run out in front of large truck or train if test-driver doesn't buy it.
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written by
Bureau, 02 October 2008
CRACKLE Turns State Evidense
POP accused of being cereal killer. SNAP says he was forced to go along or lose his knuckles and knees. CRACKLE cracked under pressure but milked prosecutor for six-month sentence for cooperation.
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written by
Bureau, 02 October 2008
Palin ready for debate
She says, "I've got my gun and golly g, I'm hunting me a liberal"
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IOC concludes that there were no problems with age of Chinese gymnasts
Announcement made from party on nudist cruise ship in Greek isles sponsored by Chinese goverment
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Study traces origin of A.I.D.S. virus to over 100 years ago
John McCain said that he is not responsible.
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Mars Lander finds evidence of water and snow on planet
The discovery was found behind a Starbucks and next door to an Indian owned motel and a convenience store near the canals.
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Obama takes 7 point lead over McCain
"It's just a touchdown," said the Arizona Senator, "we'll get 'em back in the second half."
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