Mi Lapiz Es Azul (My Pencil Is Blue)
A 6.5 earthquake hits Mexico. Authorities report no injuries but did see three terrified 'toros,' some scattered 'pinatas,' and a Taco Bell sign missing the T, the C, the O, and the second L.
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Gambler's Anonymous? You Bet!
A Dublin, Ireland bookmaker declares Sen. Obama will win the Nov. 4 election. It's already paying off: Joe Biden will receive $40, Michelle Obama will receive $90, and Sarah Palin will receive $850.
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Sixty-Five Percent Fell Asleep
A new poll shows that last night's McCain/Obama debate was just as boring as the one in Nashville last Tuesday, now dubbed "The Tennessee Waltz".
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written by
Bureau, 16 October 2008
New Government Booklet
A new free government booklet allows you to see how an early death may affect the amount of social security you'll be able to draw.
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written by
Bureau, 16 October 2008
Tobacco Company Clears The Air
The R J Reynolds Tobacco Company say they blame the increased cost of cigarettes on higher taxes, higher costs of addictive chemicals and fewer customers after all the deaths by lung cancer.
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written by
Bureau, 16 October 2008
FEMA Finally Finishes Complete Report
After another final study in Chicago, a FEMA report recommends that one must never leave a burning lantern anywhere near a cow.
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written by
Bureau, 16 October 2008
Eleven year Old Goth
A Goth kid has built his own playhouse in the shape of a funeral home, complete with cardboard caskets. Meanwhile, he greets every visitor to his parents house with, "Come in. Sorry about your loss."
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written by
Bureau, 16 October 2008
World of Shit
Tha space station has once again reported that the toilet there is still acting up. NASA Headquarters received a call earlier today stating, "Houston, we're in a world of shit up here!"
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written by
Bureau, 16 October 2008
Nader Points Out Defects
Ralph Nader went on the offense yesterday pointing out all the defects in the automobiles owned by Barack Obama and John McCain.
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written by
Bureau, 16 October 2008
A.A. Is Cutting Fues Costs
American Airlines has announced, that in order to cut fuel costs, it's considering shutting off engines and coasting for 15 minutes at a time or else using only one motor at a time.
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written by
Bureau, 16 October 2008
Y'all Have A Happy Pumpkin Day Ya Hear?
An Ohio man who burned a cross on his front lawn told police it was just a Halloween joke. Later that day, a carload of Blacks jumped him yelling, "Trick or Treat MoFo!"
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Will 'The Ice Mama' Be Playing The Flute?
Sarah Palin (aka The Wasilla Wilderness Woman) has been approached by The Fox Network to appear in a new wildlife/workout reality show named, 'Buns With Guns.'
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The Grand Wizard of The Order Out Pizza
Rep. John Murtha apologized for saying that people living in western Pennsylvania were racist because they're not. KKK Grand Dragon Bubba Bob Grumbleberry of Moon Pa. stated, "The hell we ain't!"
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"This Is The Police - Slowly Put Down That Baby Rattle!"
A New York woman given three years in prison for concealing a sawed-off shotgun in baby stroller...First it's a sawed-off shotgun in the stroller, next it could have led to a howitzer in the playpen.
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Joe The Plumber: I Speak English
Joe Wurzelbacher (aka Joe The Plumber) was mentioned 16 times by both Obama and McCain during their debate. The Fox Network has already offered him his own reality show named 'Peeps With Leaks.'
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Palin Tells McCain to Stand Up to Obama...
...then leaves him for a younger man.
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written by
Kilroy, 16 October 2008
Obama Accuses McCain of negative campaign ads…
…featuring Muppets singing "Oh-Ba-Ma-Na…noo nooo noo noo noo".
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Pass The Ice Cubes Please
North Korea threatens to freeze ties with South Korea. President Bush replies, "And just who the heck do those folks think is gonna buy a frozen tie?
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Bush: I Have Not Invaded A Country In What Is It....Months?
Bush angry that Cambodia and Thailand have not ironed out their dispute says, "Look you 'Camerabuffs' and 'Thighmasters' better stop your 'BS' or else I'm invading both your countries."
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Michael Jackson's Sister Is Back
Janet Jackson after mysteriously cancelling a bunch of concerts finally returned to the concert stage. Janet performed live before a crowd of six; Betty, Becky, Tyrell, Kayla, Juanita, and Junior.
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McCain Needs To Visit Scranton and Delaware
McCain to start a 'Red State Tour.' Biden asks, "What the hell is he doing visiting Russia, when we are smack dab in the middle of a presidential campaign?
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Apathy Association Schedules First Meeting
The American Apathy Association scheduled its first meeting for April 31, 2009. It will take place in a cereal box with sufficient capacity for the biggest turnout in the history of apathetics.
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Second commission finds Palin took advantage of position after first commission study found no wrongdoing
John McCain responded by saying "how about the best two out of three?"
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C.S.I. featuring death of Warrick Brown highest rated televsion episode in five years
Executives at C.B.S. and Jerry Bruckheimer Productions now plan on killing off a cast member each week to keep ratings high.
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Texas A&M releases plan to cut greenhouse gases at University
School solution will not let greenhouse employees to eat Taco Bell bean burritos during lunch hour.
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McCain upset by Obama statement that U.S. has 57 states
"There were only 13 when I was a kid. Where did the others come from?"
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Obama Campaign Breaks New Ground With Political Ads in Video Games!
ACORN Marketing officials say the campaign is adding voters. Video Stores are almost sold out of "Grand Theft Auto", "Alien Invasion", "Urban Warfare", "Drive By" and "Vote Till You Drop."
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written by
Morse, 16 October 2008
