Palin: I Still Think We'll Win
Governor, Sarah Palin, has closed Alaskan Borders and restricted internet and tv access to allow the Alaskan people to enjoy their day in the sun for just that little bit longer. "Look, I see Russia!"
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LA Takes a Stand Over Ringo Graffiti
The LAPD have put fame hungry Ringo Starr on house arrest since he has taken to graffiting his name onto every wall in Beverley Hills. Officer Axel Foley's statement read, simply: "Peace and Love"
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Debbie Mcgee In Rabies Horror
Magicians floosy, Debbie Mcgee, has contracted rabies after being bitten by a Swansea City fan. The jibbering idiot yelled 'Jack attack', then ran to her husband - well known corpse, Paul Daniels.
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Paul McCartney in Pinky Theft
An Alabaman pig worrier is to sue ex-Beatle Paul McCartney for a late night toe abduction. "He came in through the bathroom window", howled Billy-Bob Nine Toes.
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Teeters
The auto-aid plan headed for defeat as Big Three teeters.
Dolly Parton CD sales down 50% as Big Two teeters.
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written by
Bureau, 19 November 2008
Pirates Capture "Little Buddy"
Pirates off the coast of Somalia report the capture of seven castaways from a desert isle and for someone to come get them. One called "Little Buddy" has already somehow sank one of their ships.
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written by
Bureau, 19 November 2008
Eric Somebody Nominated
Barack Obama has named Eric Holder as his choice for Attorney General. So far all we know about Holder is that he once knew Sarah Palin years ago.
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written by
Bureau, 19 November 2008
World Toilet Day
World Toilet Day is today and is promoted by Tearfund - a charity for the severely constipated.
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Miss Michael Jackson
Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's two and a half year old daughter Shiloh will only respond when called by the name 'John.' Michael Jackson said from now on he will only respond when called 'Gertrude.'
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Ted Stevens: "They never sent me a bill."
Alaskan senator Ted Stevens' defeat marks an end of an era. And what era is that? The "I am not going to disclose the $250,000 in gifts and home improvements that the 'big oil' folks gave me" era.
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Bailout news
Speaker Pelosi declared to the American people, "We're out of ideas, you're on your own". Leaving Washington for her multi million-dollar California vineyard she added, "Good luck".
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2000-Year-Old Earring
A two-thousand-year-old earring has been discovered in Jerusalem last week, along with one of King Herod's socks.
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written by
Bureau, 19 November 2008
Jump In Name Calling
The name "Barack" is beginning to show up as a very popular name for new babies at hospitals. In the past year it's went from 10 millionth to 9th among blacks.
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written by
Bureau, 19 November 2008
Small Family Meltdowns
Small, telephone-booth sized nuclear power plants may be available soon say scientists. Get ready to hear things on your radio like "The Jones on Elm had a meltdown last night. Avoid that street."
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written by
Bureau, 19 November 2008
Astronauts Pissed
Astronauts will be drinking their own recycled urine in future flights, says NASA, but they will have their choice of either straight or mixed.
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written by
Bureau, 19 November 2008
Gary Glitter relocating
Gary Glitter is relocating to County Durham after learning of the number of miners there.
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Lemmings meet to discuss ongoing rumors that they are a suicidal group
"We have reached a precipice after years of innuendo" one said. "We must throw ourselves into this to clear our good name".
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Paying a prostitute now illegal
With the new UK law making it illegal to pay for sex, 95% of husbands are imprisoned. The other 5% feel left out.
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written by
IainB, 19 November 2008
Sticky situation
Spider-man impersonator caught in web of lies.
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New chemical weapons taste-tested
The ever popular Mustard gas is to be joined in the love-it-or-hate-it taste and terror stakes with new, improved and stickier Marmite Gas.
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Seve's Brain Op. in last gasp drama
Golfing legend Seve Ballesteros life-saving operation hit a last minute glitch. Scans of his frontal lobes revealed he had a hole in one.
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New Flavour for world poverty
Credit Crunch, the latest daily serving on everyons breakfast table is now available in Sour Grape flavour.
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Conference latest
Annual ADD conference cancelled due to lack of interest.
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Obama is the new Barack
But Rednecks want White Dubya back
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Latest from Tourettes symposium
"There's nothing f*&%$#g wrong with me you f*&%$#g c*&^s"!
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Paying for prostitutes
Paying for sex with prostitutes who are controlled by pimps or illegally trafficked to the UK is to be outlawed. "Does that from now on they'll be free?" asked one punter.
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Met Office Closes Down
The department responsible for weather reporting throughout the UK has closed down for good. A spokesman said, "The weather just changes ALL the time, we cant be arsed with it any more"
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Cricket is wank. Official
After 110 years in the limelight, the snooty, 'sport' snorathon, for middle-class talentless twats has been regraded as 'Pointless Fuckery' by the Italian cock-stroking association.
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Maradona missing presumed addicted to Buckfast
After only 24 hours in Glasgow, Diego Maradona has gone missing after visiting an off-license. A man fitting his description was later seen on a kerb shouting "Ahm tha fookin hand o' bastard god, me!"
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