Spoof news snippets from May 2008
There were 42 spoof news snippets published in May 2008. You can use the calendar on the right hand side to get all the news snippets from a day in this month.
UK Knife Crime?
Concerns are mounting in Britain that simply 'Looking Daggers' at Someone can be considered a knife crime and is punishable by five years in prison.
PTSD
Medical researchers have discovered that people from Warsaw were the first people in the world to suffer a certain disorder from seeing atrocities - yes Poles were the first to display POST TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER!
Livngstone has lost Erection
The Tokyo Times has reported that London Mayor, Ken Livingstone has lost his erection!
What a Waste!
American Medical Scientists have determined that the average male member is 6 inches long, and the average female orifice is 8 inches deep? So in New York City alone there is over 2 miles of unused pussy!
Co-Founder of Ice Cream Parlor Chain Passes Away At Age 90
Surviving founders Mr. Baskin, Mr. Robbins, and Mr. Flavors all say that they will miss Mr. 31.
The Earth will be destroyed at 8:00 p.m. this evening
Film at eleven
Surety is a Certainty
According to the government, a taxpayer is someone who has what it takes.
President Bush responds to death, disaster, and destruction caused by Chinese earthquakes
"I hope all them star's handprints and footprints in front of that theatre survived."
Researchers study women who say "If I knew you were comin', I'd have baked a cake."
Test results show that no dessert would have ever been prepared with fair warning and that the females would still have insisted on being taken out for dinner.
British Scientists create new animal
Scientists from Hitchin, Hertfordshire England, have successfully created a flea from scratch today.
Ted Kennedy eating well.
Latest reports are that Senator Edward Kennedy is sitting up in his hospital bed eating a healthy meal of salad - 'Seizure Salad'.
Poison Cake Lady Spared Prison
A Gloucestershire lady who murdered her husband with a cake laced with rat poison has escaped a jail term just in case someone bakes her a fruitcake with a file in it.
Bad Hair Day
May 2nd 2008 will go down in history as a bad hair day in politics - not only did Labour suffer massive losses, Nick Clegg of the Lib/Dems and Boris Johnson also had bad hair days.
Fall of Rome?
Historians have discovered that the fall of the Roman Empre was partly because the people who ran the Roman Coliseum just couldn't make any money. The lions kept eating all the prophets.
Riot
Today a riot broke out at the Grand theatre, Wolverhampton, England. During the performance of a pantomime held on behalf of Paranoids Anonymous. The trouble started when someone shouted: "He's behind you!"
Russian Fast Food Outlets to open in UK
London, England: Petr Czarinoivsky, a Moscow millionaire has just opened a small chain of fast food shops selling flat pastries topped with red cabbage and cheese topping. They will be known as 'Pete Czar Huts'.
Conjoined Twins fight One Laptop Per Child ruling
"We only have one pair of hands!" said twins Rosie and Rhina today after hearing that OLPC were refusing to budge on their strict One Laptop rule.
Spirals spiral out of control
'There's nothing we can do about it' said James 'Spiral' McSpiral. "They are simply a geometric shape with no control mechanism whatsoever."
Currys.digital shops facing axe
Most shops were closed today displaying a notice saying 'Error 404 the shop you were looking for is not found.'
Ted Kennedy still 'not guilty' after seizure
"You'll never prove it!" shouted the former winner of the Chappaquidick Bad Driver of the Year Award.
Brown accepts McDonalds job
Former Prime Minister Gordon Brown has accepted a job taking orders at McDonalds. He joins former Mayor Ken Livingstone, who is flipping burgers at the Peckham branch.
Lorries 'driven by lorry drivers'
Congestion caused by poor driving and accidents, a report suggests, could be caused by the fact that lorries are driven by lorry drivers, notorious for their aggression, boorishness and lack of intelligence. Poets, due to their intellect and temperament, would make ideal replacements.
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Top Right corner of TheSpoof to be privatised
This space is about to be taken over in a new PFI initiative. You will still be able to see it but in 5 years we will send you a huge bill for the privilege.
Bush Retires Plans For Dictatorship
George Bush told reporters he doesn't plan to pursue dictatorship of the United States after 2008 but will work on becoming a stand up comedian or a wedding contortionist. "I'm tard of all this dicktaterin' so both orfins are out in the stable, options still on the table."
Oprah Goes Home In Shopping Bag
Olympic Weightlifting star Shoeeesha Jenkins of Armpitflab Pennsylvania saw Oprah Winfrey at the market today and put her in a plastic bag and went home. She just said "Okra Windbag" and left with her. Detectives are trying to find out why.
McCain denies being rude to wife
"All I said was 'See you next Tuesday' and she went off on one. I never called her anything, the silly b**ch'
Woman Sees Image Of Toast In Jesus' Face
Sister Bertha McFrookkin of St. Curley's Three Sided Catholic Church in Hesperia California was staring at the Jesus statue in the church and clear as day, a miracle in the form of the shape of a piece of toast appeared on his face.
Is John McCain Insane? Docs Test Says Yes!
Insane in the membrane. Doctors at Idaho's Mr. Potatohead Psychiatric Clinic finish a 4 day test of John McCain's brain and determined his is equivalent to a microwaved ant on LSD & is predicted to act as kooky as Bush or Cheney.
Student Counts Times Obama's Name Is Said, Wins Math Prize
Dexter Claponclapoff from Maine discovered the longest number ever recorded, by writing a program on his PC whcih counts how many times the word Obama is used in 12 hours of TV viewing. He was awarded the first Nobel Prize for Math ever given.
Times Square to be renamed Comic Sans Square
New York Mayor Elliot Screwzer today confirmed the name change to the iconic landmark. 'It just seems a bit friendlier..you know..more jokey', he said whilst paying £3000 an hour to some skank.
Son Steps on Crack, Breaks Mom's Back
Irresponsible action by 8-year-old Tommy Jetpack results in mom being a quadriplegic. "I can't make macaroni and cheese for you anymore," she blinks.
Jenna Bush 'No Longer a Virgin,' White House Says
"She is now a woman," White House press secretary Dana Perino said in statement. "I can confirm that her new husband gave it to her good over the weekend."
Rice Krispies to split up
The famous trio of Snap, Crackle and Pop are to go their separate ways according to their agent. The split is being put down to 'musical differences.'
Cherie Blair forgets contraceptive kit
Blair admitted to having not taken it to Balmoral, due to embarrassment. 'Carrying around a Paper bag with two holes in it is not something you do in front of the Queen.' she said.
Barack ready to take oath
Today president hopefull Barack Obama announced "If I become your next elected President, this will be an Obama-nation"
U.S. Air Force Relieved Over Costly Urination Problem
Two U.S. Air Force jets have crashed in the past because of pissing problems! Now, with a newly-developed peeing method for male or female jet pilots, the problem of taking a leak at 1000-2000 mph will no longer piss off the top U.S. fly boys!
Internet History Revealed
Developed by O.J Simpson as a means to "find the real killer".
Former Muppet Show Puppeteer Jailed for Theft
Convenience store cameras capture his sock-festooned hand stealing Snickers bars.
Beer-a-myd Collapses in College Dorm Room
Eleven freshmen and a Vietnamese pot-belly pig injured
Kristy Allen's Weight Gain
Kristy's new morbid obesity cause is revealed to be that she actually ate Jenny Craig, with some chocolate sauce.
Burma: was Burma involved?
The UN is investigating the possibility that Burma's reluctance to help its own people as a result of Cyclone Nargis could be linked to Burma's reluctance to help its own people as a result of Cyclone Nargis.