Spoof news snippets from March 2008
There were 99 spoof news snippets published in March 2008. You can use the calendar on the right hand side to get all the news snippets from a day in this month.
A Cheshire man left more than 30,000 clocks in his will. It is feared that it may take executors years to wind up his estate.
Help for smokers in Ireland
Now the Irish have a new clinic for those who want to stop smoking. It's called Nicotine Anonymous. If you get the urge to smoke, you call them and they send a man over and you get drunk together.
Sun reporter has computer problem
A sun reporter was unable to write an arttice on Gordon Ramsey because the 'F' key on his keyboard was not working.
Prince Charles has claimed that he has been the victim of a forced marriage - TWICE!
Ant & Dec's 'Saturday Night Takeaway' has been taken away...on a Saturday night too! Police suspect either Ant or Dec, but aren't sure which is which.
A Check Up?
Police caught a guy trying to cash a phony check. At the station, the crook grabbed the check off the desk and swallowed it. No problem: the police waited five or six hours and then charged the guy with passing a bad check twice.
Sen. McCain on Foreign Policy
"My friends, we cannot and we must not leave our good Greek friends behind."
Sen. Clinton on Foreign Policy
"We can't continue on the same road as George W. Bush,we have to take a different approach, a different slant if you will, with China."
Sen.Obama on Foreign Policy
"Folks, it's time to take a new approach instead of the old Washington way, even if we have to curry favor with India over Pakistan."
The Iranians Say 'We Will Rock You ' Before Getting Stoned
Has Freddie Mercury come home or is he spinning in his Grave? Iran has Taken the 'We Will, We, Will..Rock you' Rap to anounce all up and coming stonings on 'Iranian Freedom TV' this summer season. Look out for it!
Bin Laden issues warning over wrestling
Cartoon violence in WWE matches "is insulting to Mankind and other professional wrestlers"...
Plot to Kill Cartoon Foiled in Denmark
A plot to stop the popular cartoon Peanuts from appearing has been discovered. The Nut brothers, Ches and Wal along with an unidentified Brazilian are in custody. Said, Detective Phil Bert, "fortunately no one was assaulted."
Secret Service Man Fired
A secret service man assigned to Chelsea Clinton was fired for giving her the nickname C cup. While the agent was not identified, it's believed his initials were double D.
Shared Shares to shake up the US economy?
The US Government is said to be in favour of controversial plans to introduce Shared Shares, which, according to fiscal experts, could double the value of the US stock exchange overnight
McCann comes out in support of McCanns
Terry McCann, Star of eighties TV show Minder, has come out in support of Gerry and Kate McCann over their missing daughter Madeline. "Personally, I don't think they did it," said the friendly cockney hardman
Japan unveils car the size of a pinhead
The Japanese motor company, Honda, has announced that it has designed a family car so small it can only be driven by single-cell bacteria.
Spoof Editor under Police Watch
Following the discovery of a severed horse turd in Spoof editor Mark Lowton's bed, police have kept his house under constant surveillance. It's believed the Turdish mafia is behind it.
Apple faces patent lawsuit from Doctor Who over Time Machine
Apple is facing another costly legal challenge, this time from patent attorneys representing Doctor Who, who insist that the 'Time Machine' feature in Mac OS X Leopard has copied Gallifreyan technology first introduced in the Tardis.
Dungeons & Dragons wizard achieves "miracle" 100th level
Last words of deceased D&D co-creator Gary Gygax were, "I finally know how to take my 99th level neutral good elf mage/cleric to a whole new plane of existence"...
Was Tennis Champ Replaced by Crack Chump?
The International Tennis Federation is investigating claims that Roger Federer was using Pete Doherty as his 'double' when he lost to Wimbledon hopeful Andy Murray last week.
Beatles 'to split'
It has been announced that the Beatles have split after almost 50 years of playing together due to musical differences, band in-fighting and death.
Smoking ban 'has limited effect on parking'
The government's smoking ban in public places has had little effect on the parking problem in Britain's big cities, a new study has confirmed.
Cheese and onion crisps 'addictive like crack'
A new study suggests that the humble cheese and onion crisp has the same addictive qualities as crack but is 100 times cheaper. The results may point to a new strategy to help crack addicts to beat their addiction.
British schoolchildren to 'pledge allegiance to a queen'
A new proposal by the Lord Chancellor would have schoolchildren pledging their allegiance to a queen, it emerged today. High-profile candidates include Sir Ian McKellan, Rupert Everett and the actor, Alan Cumming.
Washington's Roll Call of Politician Rates
Eliot Spitzer 9 diamonds; Ted Kennedy 1 life jacket; Larry Craig 3 airport stalls; Mark Foley 10 pages; Bill Clinton 2 Montecristo cigars; Barney Frank 3 poppadoms.
Rising Blind, Black Politico
No one knew Barack Obama was blind till we realized he couldn't see the trouble Tony Resko could cause him
Harry Potter and the Fluid of Lies
JK Rowling was last night in hiding, after it was revealed that her last 4 Potter novels had been identical, with only the charcters ages and "defence against the dark arts teachers" name being tippexed out and changed.
Pro Golfer Kills Protected Migratory Hawk on Golf Course
Golfer, Tripp Isenhour, commenting on the killing, said, "I don't know what all the fuss is about, I always thought getting birdies was part of the game."
Clinton Blames Blizzard in Ohio on NAFTA
after a foot of snow buried most of Ohio,Hillary blamed NAFTA. "If we weren't part of NAFTA, Canada would not be able to send their unwanted snow to Ohio, it's time to renegotiate."
Jersey police find missing data discs
While searching for evidence of crimes committed at a children's home on the island of Jersey, police have confirmed that the missing data discs from the Home Office have been recovered.
A day in the sun
The editors of the Sun, The Express and The Daily Mail today realised that it is now more than 10 years ago, and it is time to let Princess Di rest in peace.
Bottler's new book
Talentless dullard Paul Burrell's new book 'You won't get it for free' is due out tomorrow. Pre-orders are said to be very slow.
U2, of there
Following news that U2 have signed away digital rights for the next 12 years, or something, they have also signed the Gettysberg Address, and the Magna Carta. They are now worthless, Bono said, cackling.
Hillary Clinton Lays the Smackdown on Obama
In a recent debate between the two Presidential hopefulls Hillary was heard saying the shocking, "F@5K Y%U, I Obamaed yo Mama!"
Des O'Connor Lyrics found in cellars
The lyrics of Des O'Connor's song (1 2 3 O'Leary) were scrawled on the wall of the cellars in Haut de la Garenne. Psychologist, Margaret Beckett, said the lyrics had a soporific effect on those locked in the cellars, and that this kind of 'mental defense mechanism' is well known in cases of stress.
First White African American
Charlize Theron announced today that she will become an American citizen, due to how much she works in the States. Ms. Theron will become the first white African American recorded in history.
Michael Moore Announces Next Film Project
"Fatso" said to be scathing indictment of Michael Moore's personal health care system
Favre Movie Flops
"Bend it like Brett" a big disappointment, says film studio.
Britt Hume Falls Asleep On Air
Fox News execs upset after viewers don't notice the difference
Turkey launches ground operation in Iraq
Thousands of turkeys have been deployed today as a ground incursion in pursuit of indoctrinating separatist Kurdish rebels with the parables of Thanksgiving.
Proof that war is an aphrodesiac
Israelis pulled out of Gaza today who was bent over a chair as Hamas celebrated its rocketry by masturbating in unison.
Sad but believable
Bush met with his cabinet today bemusing government operatives with his own absence as they later found him sitting on the floor of the oval office Indian style playing a game of checkers with a Bombay chest.
Food channel Emeril launching new fundraiser
Desperate for attention Emeril has debut his punches for lunches campaign, "Smack a bitch and get a free sandwich."America is hungry for pain.
Dr. Phil is living proof that diarrhea is an emotion.
Confessions of a Reagan Fondler
Former presidential candidate Mitt Romney's position on same sex marriage: Doggystyle.
Finally, Technology is catching up
Bell Tone now has a hearing aid powerful enough to hear people having sex 2 years from now.
Walmart even caters to Mother Nature
Category 5 hurricane spirals towards South America but stops first at WALMART because of their really low prices which collided with its ridge of high pressured employees.
Democratic Party Predicts Hillary-Obama Ticket: Campaign Buttons Ready
The Democratic Party is now predicting a ticket with both Hillary and Obama, fearing a Convention floor fight. The first buttons will say "Always Vote For The Team With The Quarterblack!"
JJ Abrhams has confirmed the spoiler claiming that lost will end with all the characters realising they are just toys in a toy box. "This is what we had in mind all along," he claims.
If you're just realising that you haven't seen much of B'Liar since he ran off, that's because since his switch to Catholicism, he is still in confessional. Priests are working round the clock to purge the ex PM's soul.
Ghost of Vince Foster Endorses Obama
Clinton campaign compares him to Ron Brown for no apparent reason.
Spitzer Engaged in Unsafe/Unclean Sexual Variations à la Dick Morris
After the ex-NY Governor had gotten off over a 2.5 hour love fest in DC, his great-looking "prosty" reported to her boss unclean sex acts. Key terms included "toe loving", "tongued underarm," and "tongued nostril."
Dr. Suicide, Jack Kevorkian, To Run For Congress in 2008
Recently released on parole after a 9-year prison stint for assisting in suicides, Dr. K plans to run for a seat in the House of Representatives. Said Dr. K, "Darn shame I helped over 100 people top themselves. There went 100 plus votes!"
Ashley Big Name Now For Boys and Girls Thanks To Eliot!
"Gone with the Wind" gave us a rash of Viviens and Scarletts, and it appears that the Spitzer debacle has given us an uptic on the name Ashley. All over NYC, given names are being crossed off birth certificates and replaced with a prostitute's moniker!
After a long and arduous standoff in the mountains of Denali, the Nuns have finally signed a peace accord with the native penguins.
Baby Bear says no more
In a statement released today, Baby Bear has announced his retirement. From now on, anyone using his name in connection with Goldilocks will be taken to court.
Fleiss, Lewinsky, and Dupre Form New Group, "The 3 Prosties"
In the wake of the Spitzer scandal, three prominent "fun ladies" have teamed up, dedicated to legalizing men's right to a little something on the side. "Hey," said Dupre, "let 'em get their rocks off, man!" Eliot Spitzer's comment, "At least, I paid cash!"
The New Black
Today, scientists revealed what has been officially approved to be the new black. After countless days of science, the answer came as a shock to many in the fashion world. The new black, is in fact, green.
Flying man mystery
City-goers were left stunned as a man dressed in some kind of costume inexplicably flew past the capital early this morning. Eye-witnesses describe the man as looking heroic, although he didn't actually do anything.
Friction equals fire!
A stunning new development today led to the discovery that rubbing two wooden sticks together caused them to ignite.
In an indiscriminate act of violence, the master copy of the dictionary of the English Language was today destroyed in a terrorist attack. The Prime Minister issued the following statement shortly afterwards. "Hyyysggd jsgd hyegft gbbccv. Ouerrnfh hef hsgd, kjrwe knue."
Chaos Theory Strikes Again
Today the connection was revealed between a fishing excursion in Scotland and a massive earthquake that killed five hundred billion people. Using a simple set of algorithms, scientists have devised a method of explaining any event that happens, ever.
Charlie Puts Sheen on "Kristen"
Word now is that pay-for-the-lay Charlie Sheen once romped with that "Spitzer Girl" Ashley (aka "Kristen"), dressed as a second cheerleader in a threesome. Is this not a great country where an actor and State Governor can seek and acquire the same opening!
Gorby Now Wants Piece of the Action
Ex-Soviet President Mikhail Gorbachev has been intrigued by the Spitzer scandal. "Was President, but resign for political, not for fun. In U.S., get hotel have big sex times. Is surprise that Communism go to crapper?"
Swimmer Also Ticked Off at Ex-Governor
Nine-time U.S. Olympic gold medal swimmer Mark Spitz has been bothered a lot, since the Spitzer scandal erupted. "Hey, man...I am not a Spitzer. I'm a Spitz. Yeah, first I was a dog, now I'm associated with that fornicator. Hey America, gimmee a break!"
Investigators Find Ex-Governor's Collection in Rigged Drawer
NY State Police combed the Spitzer home recently and discovered a "trick drawer" containing porn, marked 1970 and signed "Eliot's, Don't Touch!" Included were "Golden Horny Books" and several nudist mags showing "adult activities." The ex-Governor was 11 at the time.
OMG, my bff got me to rofl and i said wtf? and she's like oh no you dident! and them we like made out. /train FTW!!!!
Ten Commandments aligned to reflect 21st century US Christianity
In an announcement today the office of the United Methodist Church released the revised list of the Ten Commandments. The list now reads - 1. Six days shalt thou labour, and do all thy work
Shock jocks Don Imus and drug-addled-gasbag Rush Limbaugh go head to head
Radio blowhard Don Imus, known for his "Nappy headed ho's" comment and perhaps more famous for resembling an anus has signed a deal with Don King to battle Limbaugh for the ultimate brown crown.
Cadillac attempts to entice elderly drivers with an innovative automobile
It is a light economical car that also doubles as a casket making the funerals of reckless, mentally alienated drivers as feasible as a rustic redneck burying a relative in their backyard.
Aesthetic terrorism? British author Sebastian Horsley denied entrance into the U.S.
On the grounds of "moral turpitude" and hypocritical grinds of their own atavistic xenophobia contracted from vultures that prey on our counterculture bringing our terror alert level to periwinkle.
Kansas geologist makes startling discovery
Renown geologist and cave proctologist Herb Pettigrew was surveying several tracks of land with incendiary lubricants when he unearthed a geode with a warm baked potato inside.
New Zealand geneticists embark to revolutionize sheep farts
Doug Rutherford mistakenly unlocked gaseous secrets of anal alchemy during a standard procedure of metering cow flatulence when one of his sheep specimens began to seep the succulent smell of pancakes
$1,350 cornflake sold on ebay narrowingly outshined stool sample baked as a biscuit
It's not even time for the Darwin awards yet but two sisters (admitted flakes) proved that inherent brain damage can be as profitable as the image of Jesus in oatmeal.
Heather Mills in deep shock!
Heather Mills is in deep shock in a London hospital after flying with a low cost airline. Dr McCartney has said she is not coping well with travelling BA Business Class, being used to Paul's private jet, but hopes she will pull through.
Discovery Channel to debut "The Shark Whisperer"
Horse and dog whispering is old hat these days and is about to be taken over by a lone man that whispers to great white sharks and makes out with them.
Warrior Sperm created for couples unable to procreate
These magnificent Warrior Sperm have been extracted from adolescents during puberty while living under power lines with the capability to mend marriages and bench press a small car.
HSM 3: Who's Dating Who...
HSM romance gossip update - Troy is with Ryan, Chad is with Miss Darbus, Monique and Gabriella are fighting over Sharpay.
Confusion at Anti-Bush Rally
People at a "Lesbians Against Bush" rally were confused by the name of the rally.
Democratic National Committee (DNC) Approves Arm Wrestling
Obama vs Hillary, Hillary vs Obama. Are the Dems going down to defeat with daily name calling and bickering? So, the DNC plans to lighten its campaign with some arm wrestling. Plan to see one once a week between H and O before Convention time.
Dog, The Bounty Hunter, to Protect Schools in New Venture
Dog, the famous bounty hunter, has lined up 4,500 "dog types" to patrol schools at all levels. Said the huge M-F,
"We need this business to stop those "Ns, Ms, and freaks from shooting up innocents. And, it's good bucks!"
On a music site on the net, I came across a reference to the 1988 record by Aztec Camera, "Worming in a coal-mine"! Couldn't see the forest for trees ?
Spitzer Gives News Conference: "Almost Cured!"
Breaking News! Ex-New York State Governor, Eliot Spitzer, said he's been on a diet of sex with Ashley Dupre for 14 hours a day for 5 days. "I'm a new man, almost normal, but worn out, and, Silda's got one tough act to follow!" Porn star Ron Jeremiah has been paying for Spitzer's treatment.
Chief Rabbi in Israel Eats Pork to Prove Point
Chief Rabbi Yussel Ashkenvig Berne recently ate pork spare ribs in a Chinese restaurant in Tel-Aviv. "Oy Vey! I just wanted to show that Israel is truly modern. Besides, I've been drooling over these suckers for years!" The Knesset has scheduled an emergency session, in anticipation of rioting.
Spitzer's Girl, Ashley Alexandra Dupre, To Become Nun
The call girl responsible for bringing down Eliot Spitzer, now, ex-Governor of New York State, will enter 'The Convent Of Once A Slut' to become a nun. Said Dupre, "I've had my fill of the commoner. It's now time for priests."
Japanese Finally Admit to Starting War with U.S. in 1941
Japan's Emperor Akihito admitted today that Japan did attack the U.S. in 1941. "Pilots meant no harm, just wanted to display flying, bomb dropping, and torpedoing skill. Americans not understand our 'game' and started firing at us, so our pilots most angered. Was all big misunderstanding! Banzai!"
Chelsea Clinton: "I Like Men"
In an effort to distance herself from her parents, Chelsea stated to reporters, "I am nothing like mom and dad. I like men!"
U.S. School Teachers Union Promoting Teacher-Student Sex!
Teachers are endorsing teacher-student sexual relations between female teachers and boy students. Said Sally Gimmy Hedd, "We did this, so the boys can keep off the girls and also to teach them how to satify a woman. State laws are wrong!"
Anybody Over 800 Pounds in U.S. to Get No Jail or Prison Time
By a 7-2 vote, the U.S Supreme Court has ruled that "humongous obesity is its own punishment, when the scale reads above 800 pounds." Justice Scalio, for the majority opinion, said that, "Nobody over 800 pounds ain't ever a good camper. So, don't bust their chops!"
Entertainment Personality Finally Admits To Having Speech Defect
After 46 years on TV, Baba Wawa has finally admitted, "Yeth, I do have a speeth impedimenth. I've been in thith closeth too long!" She had even tried the Greek pebbles-in-the-mouth trick, but found she liked eating pebbles! The rest is just annoying TV broadcasting!
Is The Reverend Wright Really Truthing Us Up?
36 years as pastor of a now megachurch in Chicago, the volatile Rev. Jeremiah Wright has admitted to some misstatements! "I correct any previous with Whitey is good, America loves people o color, Jews is all fine, and Barack's got me some bourbon!"
Contrary to popular opinion the popular teen website "Bebo" is NOT an inflamed lymph gland in the groin.
Senator John McCain admits he's older than the Dead Sea scrolls
At a press conference the senator said "I'm so old that when I was a kid the Dead Sea was just a little bit sick. I use my colostomy bag when I shop for lactose-free groceries before I crawl into my barrack beneath my bed for a nap."
Recall issued on cloned Labradors
A mandatory recall has been issued on cloned Labradors after a defective dog started to manifest labradorescent skin colors and howling the Asian alphabet in pig Latin.
U.S. Threatens to Boycott Beijing Olympics Over Fat Issue
The U.S. Olympic Committee has threatend the Chinese regarding a "no show," because of a non guarantee of "all trans fat" in the American athletes' meals. Replied, key Chinese official, Xiong Xiang Xiung, "Chinese do not give a clap! No special plocess for enemy! We even going to add lead toxics!!!"
Riot Breaks Out at Campaign Speech
A riot broke out while presidential candidate Ahmnodt Heare gave his "Do Unto Others as You Would Want Done Unto You" speech at a Masochists of America meeting.
Man's pet Dalmatian diagnosed with Lou Gehrig's disease
Harvey's hound was found whipped into a rabid frenzy and wearing a #4 Yankee jersey before animal control took it away in handcuffs forcing the entire neighborhood into immediate quarantine.
Cremations Gain in Popularity As Burials Put People Deeper in the Hole
With rising funeral costs, the party atmosphere of cheap cremations at under $500 is today's way to go. Guests gather at the oven and the door prize winner gets to light the gas. The "burnee," however, cannot be cremated with a cell phone.
Student arrested for terroristic defecation
Adrian Manning 21, a hermaphroditic honor role student and mother of 3 entered the airport bathroom with the intent of performing number 2. Security was called shortly after a porcelain explosion, where young Adrian had gone number 10.