Spoof news snippets from January 2008
There were 102 spoof news snippets published in January 2008. A selection of the best rated snippets is shown here. You can use the calendar on the right hand side to get all the news snippets from a day in this month.
Since 1980, there has been a Bush or Clinton in the White House as President or Vice President
If Hillary wins the Presidency, she will double the tradition by being a Clinton with a bush.
Dallas opens first Canadian Restaurant to go with other local ethnic based eateries
While the menu will pretty much be the same as in a normal American restaurant, the waitresses will all say "eehh" a lot and call each other hosers and the thermostat will be set to "damn it's cold in here!"
President Bush upset at announcement of Oscar/Academy Award Nominees
"Didn't they see my State of the Union Address last year? That was acting and drama and fiction, and I even wore a new suit!"
Michael Vick implicated in Prison Roach Fighting Ring
The one they call "Little Spitfire" did pretty well.
Middle Eastern Man receives Sign from God
Abdul G. of Teheran recently had to buy a new electric can opener because his old one broke. He stated "this surely is a sign from God of something" as he enjoyed a tuna fish sandwich.
President Bush Leaves "Out of Office Assistant" on; Country comes to standstill
President Bush accidentally left his email "out of office assistant" on for three days, leading to a huge slow down in most government business. Very few seemed to notice.
Terrorists vow to Violently Murder those who say they are Violent Murderers
Father and Son picnic scheduled for March 19th.
Spoof writers to strike
Writers for TheSpoof.com announced they will not write any more snippets until they get points for them. I would write more but I have already said too much.
Democrat Candidate Dennis Kucinich Drops Out...
...world dictators in emergency session to plot next move in effort to steal the United States. American public remain largely oblivious.
'Mr Bean' Makes Fine Booties
Well-wishers gathered at a hospital in the West End of London as Gordon Brown underwent his ninth face lift. Hospital bosses plan to make a dozen pairs of cowboy boots with the excess skin from both his front and rear faces.
Man Swallows His Own Face
Teeside doctors are baffled how a man tripped and swallowed his own face. He is taking advantage of the situation by sitting in a tent and charging children 50p to see his deformed face. Ant & Dec are in talks to make a show about the local freak entitled: 'Ant & Dec's Saturday Night Faceaway'.
World Record Broken
A monkey flying a saucepan made of sawdust has broken the world kitchen appliance land speed record at a burial ground just north of Shropshire. More to follow.
Dwarfism just "standing further away"
A new study published today suggests that people classed as dwarfs, or adults of restricted size, may just be simply "standing further away". This trick of perspective means that normal-sized adults may appear smaller than they are.
Google "close to becoming White Dwarf"
Google, the multi-trillion dollar search engine, has become so large, according to analysts, that it has collapsed in on itself and is on the verge of becoming a White Dwarf. The next stage, a Black Hole, could see Google pull all living matter into its core, thus destroying the entire universe.
Prince William high for the first time
Prince William flew solo for the first time Thursday. Palace officials deny there was any connection to the crash landing of a British Airways flight at Heathrow.
"You" are stupid
A new survey published today suggests that "you" are really unintelligent. The survey, carried out by "us" reveals that "you" are pathetic, uninteresting and, in exceptional circumstances, a "cxxt"
Racism "more acceptable now than ever"
Political correctness has become so endemic that racism is now seen as more socially acceptable than "saying the right thing". The comments come from David Irving, the holocaust denier, who suggested "are we going to have to go through with the whole racism thing yet again?"
Rats "have Top Ten music chart"
A scientific survey conducted by Professor Dusty Folds of Harvard reveals that rats have their own "music" that they compile into "charts". Rat communities are structured around a hierarchy based on "new entries".
Thatcher Obessives get Charity Grant
A new charity for people who blame former British premier Margaret Thatcher for their dull sex lives has won a £250,000 Lottery grant.
Home Fitness Horror
A Mexican man is recovering in Tijuana hospital after the control unit on his electric buttock stretcher failed, causing severe chafing to his upper thighs.
New Report Explains Rampant Teacher-Student Sex Epidemic
The finding indicates that the rise in "extra-curricular" activities is the result of teachers getting smarter and students getting dumber.
FBI removes Bobby Fisher from "ten most wanted" list
Late chess prodigy spent decades running from the law after he played a game of chess with Boris Spassky...
Universe only 30,000 miles wide, new study suggests
The entire universe, according to NASA, is only 30,000 miles from side to side. The space, almost entirely occupied by earth is "really kinda smaller than we thought" said a spokesman. The moon landings were "just fooling about" and the galaxies are "just some CGI and ****."
Mandarin now Earth's most widely mentioned word
"Mandarin" is now the mostly widely spoken word on the planet, replacing the word "English". Approximately 2 billion people, mostly in China, say the word "mandarin" everyday, often for no apparent reason. Previous popular words were "chicken", "dude" and "Britney".
Fish "have social class-system like humans"
A report published today reveals that fish, just like humans, have social classes. Cod, Skate and Herring are what would be termed "upper class"; Tuna, Sole and Plaice are "middle class"; Sardines "are chavs, basically"
Former Mac Star Patents Privates
Ex Fleetwood Mac singer Stevie Nicks is attempting to trademark the unusual shape of her vagina after it was immortalised in an ice sculpture at a Hollywood party.
TV Crew Puts Spotlight on Reclusive Minister
Cameras are to be allowed into British Home Secretary Jacqui Smith's sea-cave for the first time in a documentary about her lifestyle as a hermit.
'Knob' comes first
The Jockey Club is to launch an inquiry after a horse called 'My Old Hairy Knob' won yesterdays 3.30 at Kempton Park.
Fleetwood Mac Shock at Hollywood Bash
Diners at an exclusive $1,000 a plate charity dinner were disgusted when the ice sculpture was revealed to be a three foot model of Stevie Nicks's vagina complete with an ice cream 'clitoris.'
'Wat's hapnin' man' says McDonalds's voice
The orginal voice of newsreader Sir Trevor McDonald has been refused political asylum in Britain and will be deported to Kingstown, Jamaica.
18-24 year olds most at risk from Cheryl Tweedy
A report shows that many 18-24 year olds are unaware of the risks of Cheryl Tweedy. A large proportion of those questioned said they never took proper precautions to prevent the risk of Cheryl Tweedy. Many would even be unaware if they had been in contact with Cheryl Tweedy.
Microsoft Launch new operating system for student PCs: Windows Vesta tipped for success
Microsoft has unveiled its new operating system, designed with university students in mind. It arrives as a powder and is reconstituted with water, comes in three flavours and will not function correctly inside a PC.
Gordon Brown "sleeps with men for money"
A leaked memo suggests that Gordon Brown has slept in the vicinity of other men who are sleeping, and that the purpose of his sleeping is to ensure that he is fit and refreshed for the job he is paid for. Number 10 have refused to confirm or deny the story.
God "too Christian"
A report published today suggests that, in a multi-faith society, God should "tone down" the strict Christian image he has cultivated and try to embrace more diverse religions.
NYC snapper narrowly misses one in the bollocks
Chris Martin of Coldplay scuffled with paparazzi, today, as he was taking his wife Gwyneth Paltrow from a New York City hospital. He, apparently, took offense to a comment that his recent album stunk so much, the band should be called Codplay.
Chessmaster Bobby Fischer dies
Queen takes pawn --- checkmate my friend
Snow "no good for bricks"
An exhaustive study has revealed, despite previous thinking, that snow is of little use in the manufacture of bricks. The report suggests that saliva or, possibly cream, might produce better results.
Sugar "like crack to ants"
Scientific research has concluded that ants, once thought to be dilligent workers, lay around all day eating sugar "like they is suckin' on the pipe." Ants resort to stealing from beehives to fund their addiction, said Professor Dusty Folds of Harvard.
John Edwards announces intention to quit presidential race
As few knew the former senator was actually in the race, the news startled campaign flunkies throughout the US. The subsequent rush to obtain information overwhelmed Google, causing a worldwide shutdown - a problem normally only following Rosie O'Donnell sightings.
A Team
The Spoof can exclusively reveal that Mr T's name is in fact Herb.
Titterless comic wins sit-com role
Failed comedian Lenny Henry is to star in a remake of race comedy 'Love Thy Neighbour.' Rusty Lee is slated to play his heavyweight wife.
Gypsies in Vic Dib's Knicks
Vicar of Dibley star Dawn French is attempting to evict a family of gipsies who moved into her knickers when she hung them out to dry over Christmas. A donkey stabled in her gusset will be allowed to stay
Nick Leeson: "Don't blame me"
An unidentified trader at Societe Generale in France has incurred a 4.9 billion euro trading loss. Nick Leeson, who lost $1.8 billion with Barings in 1995 said, "Don't blame me, I don't even like frog's legs and expensive wines, give me a curry and a pint anytime."
Celebrities endorsing John McCain include:
Zsa Zsa Gabor (88), Phyllis Diller (90), Ernest Borgnine (91), Richard Widmark (93), Kirk Douglas (91), Mickey Rooney (87), Lena Horne (90), and Karl Malden (95). The Senator said he is pleased to have their support and "hopes they'll be around in November to vote"
Bay Closes as Obama, Clinton collide
Newport Bay was closed after Senators Obama and Clinton collided into one another during a pre-press conference restroom break. An eye witness reported "horrible rhetoric" strewn in the vicinity of the collision.
Gordon Brown attracted to Virgin in Far East
While in China Brown is purported to have said, "the best bid on the table is from the Virgin." No word yet from his Wife Sarah, mother of his two sons.
National Football League Star Wants Name Change
Kansas City Chiefs tight end, Tony Gonzalez, and recently turned vegan thinks the word 'pigskin' as in football should be dropped. "We play four quarters, so how about calling it 'fourskin'? Then no one's sensibilities are hurt."
Mary-Kate Olsen Endorses Sports Shake...
Later discovers "A Protein Shake for Mary-Kate" only a porn film title.
Barrymore to play Milligan; Grayson - C3PO
Following the news that the comedian Spike Milligan is to be portrayed by Michael Barrymore, we can exclusively reveal that Larry 'Shut that door' Grayson is to play the part of a young C3P0 in a new biopic about the early life of the camp protocol droid.
Mormon Church seeks new recruiting slogan
Admits lackluster response to its present slogan: "The L.D.S. Church - recognizing that black people are human since 1979!"
Beckham set for a very homo new year
Following remarks that David Beckham knows he's a gay icon, George Michael has offered to "drop trough" and "wave a white towel" for David.
Star Wars Abroad
In an effort to improve his image abroad, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is considering changing his name to Darth Vader.
Sara Jane Moore who attempted to assassinate President Ford was released from prison Monday.
She said it was harder to assassinate political leaders in her time than it is today. "Those days, you needed a gun, today all you need is a sunroof."
New Year's Revellers Sickened at Times Square
More than 300 people fell ill welcoming the New Year in Times Square due to a chemical in the "Made in China" goofy looking 2008 glasses people were wearing.
Hillary in Iowa
To woo Iowan voters Senator Clinton has been walking around with a piece of straw in her mouth. Reminiscent of her husband, she claims to "chew but not swallow."
Mugabe on Kenya
President Mugabe of Zimbabwe has offered "his integrity and honesty" to mediate the election result dispute in Kenya.
Charles Mormon
"In my last conversation with God, I was told that Charles Manson is a Mormon," claims Presidential hopeful, Huckabee.
Naughty Nick
President Sarkozy, just back from vacationing with his Italian model "friend", said he learned all about Fellini and grappa. The shape of his trench coat suggested he wasn't talking about movies and wine.
Home Alone
Bill Clinton was spotted coming out of an NYC store with a red dress, cigar and Altoids. No word when "snow bunny" Monica is due back from the Poconos.
Scotland Yard to Investigate Spoof Site
Fearing the number of Ron Paul stories may crash the site, TheSpoof.com's, Mark Lowton has asked Scotland Yard to investigate whether there may be some "hanky panky" going on.
Britney Spears "Visits" Hospital
"It's no big deal," her publicist said. "She just wanted to be strapped to a gurney and ride in an ambulance to a Hospital. Celebrities do it all the time. Can she have her kids back?"
Heather Mills Hopping Mad Over Sir Paul
In a legless rage Mills accused McCartney of stirring it up by giving daughter Beatrice a stuffed animal seal for Christmas and calling it Peg
Mafia involvement in NASCAR feared
Mob influence suspected when Sicilian driver Barfino Vomitelli wins championship in a Geo Metro after all other competitors turn up at bottom of East River.
Severed finger mailed to French minister was a hoax
What initailly was thought to be a severed finger turned out to be a frog's leg. Authorities are searching the Grenouille region of France for a one legged frog.
Al Gore expected to make announcement in support of the whale
It isn't clear whether Mr.Gore will be referring to the cetaceans or Hillary Clinton in his upcoming speech.
Obama Confesses to Name Change
Presidential candidate Barack Obama confessed recently that he legally changed his name from Iraq Hussein Osama before running for the Senate in '04. "It's just an unelectable name," he admits. Obama said that this new name was enough of a change that people wouldn't put it together.
"A load of Cobblers"
So said Prince Philip regarding newspaper reports that the British couple who got married not knowing they were twins separated at birth, may be Charles and Camilla. "It's about as far fetched as me writing "derogatory" and "cruel" letters to Diana."
British PM Gordon Brown backs removal of body parts without consent
Leading by example, Brown presented to media both hands of minister Peter Hain which he had removed an hour ago,without consent, for being unable to declare political donations of £103,000, with consent.
It's Official: Terrel Owens of the Dallas Cowboys is Running for President
Taking the advice of a Clinton staffer, Owens started to cry after the loss to the NY Giants. Hours later he announced he was running for President.
India sounds bird flu alert after chicken deaths
This warning came, incidentally, immediately after wife of former British PM Tony Blair, Cherie Blair's visit to India. Unrelated to this, Cherie was recently sighted at a chicken farm in Delhi to, as the internal sources tell us, cook a fresh chicken tikka masala.
Didier Deschamps' Comment to Newcastle
"Les rosbifs 'poofters' peut embrasser mon âne."
The Last Secret Diana Told Paul Burrell
"Go to Harrods' Toy Kingdom and get me DORA, Let's Get Ready Vanity."
Mike Huckabee Wins Key Endorsement Days ahead of South Carolina Primary
The Ooo eee, oo ah ah, ting tang, walla walla bing bang Church, in Cow Head Landing, South Carolina said of Mike Huckabee, "He's the only one who will get the 'witch doctors' out of Washington."
Gordon Brown: In or Out of the Closet?
Mr. Brown insisted Sir Trevor interview him, rather than ITV 'hottie' Julie Etchingham. A spokesman said, "There was no affront in Miss Etchingham." "I guess that was the crotch…er crux of the problem," said an anonymous stiffer…er staffer.
Questions arise about strong resemblance between Mike Huckabee and his wife
"Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit!" said angered spokesman Phil Erup, "He might be from Arkansas but he ain't dumb. If you saw how purty his widowed mother is, you'd know he'd marry her before he'd marry his sister. Let me hear an, Amen!"
British Airways plane crash lands safely at Heathrow
Spokesman, Miles High of British Airways said, "Thankfully there were no injuries and for that we thank the crew and pilot. As a gesture of our thanks, everyone will get double BA Miles and a British Airways Signature card."
"Poverty" Goes On Crime Spree
Today the economic condition known as poverty sprouted arms and legs and went around robbing and murdering millions of innocent bystanders, proving me dead wrong.
Brokers: "We aren't panicking yet"
Wall street brokers expect rubber band stocks to spring back.
Giuliani does a full monty
In a bid to arouse his supporters presidential hopeful Rudy Giuliani did a full Monty. Two women and fifteen men wanted a closer look, while,the rest not knowing what a full Monty was, just thought the bags under his eyes dropped below his nose.
Bill's old flames support Hillary
Monica Lewinsky, Paula Jones, Kathleen Willey and Gennifer Flowers have come out in support of Hillary Clinton. "It would be nice to see a Hill-Billy in the White House," said Jones.
Obama gets Canadian support
Saskatchewan, Manitoba and Alberta are supporting Barack Obama as the Democratic presidential nominee, while Newfoundland is sticking with John Kerry. "I know it means squat eh,since, we can't vote anyway, but what the hey, we want to be part of something eh," said Brian Sutter of Saskatoon.
Surprise support for Huckabee
Bullwinkle, Spongebob Squarepants, Twinky Winky and Homer Simpson are all throwing their support behind Mike Huckabee. When asked why, Mr.Simpson said, "D'OH, he's one of us!"
Hillary Ditching the 70's Retro look prior to South Carolina Primary
In a bid to win over black voters in the important SC primary, Senator Clinton is going to wear extra bling, have her hair done in corn rows and wear a hip hop pant suit. A Clinton spokesman said, "Hill's no ho to mess with, you know what I'm saying!"
Bill Distancing Himself from Hillary's Campaign
In an effort to let Hillary be the campaign focus and not him, Bill Clinton said, "I did not have sexual relations with that woman, Miss Hillary Rodham..."
Aussie Wicketkeeper Adam Gilchrist Retires
"Don't piss me off mate," was Gilchrist's angered response when asked whether his retirement from Test cricket had anything to do with Heath Ledger and Mary-Kate Olsen. He was, however, conspicuously mum when asked whether there was a connection to that froggy rogue, Jerome Kerviel.
Sweden Celebrates Sunday
Sweden, which was recently labeled the most boring country in the world, partied the night away as Saturday transformed smoothly into Sunday. Word is, they are already getting pumped for three-peat on February 10.
Sharapova gets it done, down under
Maria Sharapova won the Australian Open Woman's final 7-5,6-3. She attributed her win to "ball control over her new Prince down under." "I hope Clay will be just as helpful for the French Open."
Clouseau to Join SocGen
Societe Generale has hired recently retired Inspector Clouseau to head up their Risk Management Division following the losses incurred by rogue trader Jerome Kerviel. In accepting the post, he said, "This job requires more than one man, that is why they only hired me."
Obama not Injured in Car Accident
Following Barack Obama's speech in Columbia,S.C. about "hope going forward, not pessimism looking back", he hit a car, while, backing out of a parking space. Obama's people denied there was any connection to it being a white car, with a Vote Hillary bumper sticker.
Hillary Clinton SC Primary Loss to Obama Blamed on Heath Ledger
Bill Clinton told anyone who would listen yesterday that the devastating political defeat was all Heath Ledger´s fault. "If the clown hadn´t croaked, people would have been voting for Hil' instead of watching ET!"
World Church Leaders Agree on 'Miracle' Sheep Circle
The circle created by 200 sheep in a British pasture was unanimously attributed to "Ovine Intervention."
President Bush's First Draft of his Final State of the Union Address
"When I was part owner of the Texas Rangers baseball team I got hit in the head with a baseball at spring training and ever since I've never been the same..."
Mitt Romney Talking the Talk Prior to Florida Primary
Talking to Cuban Americans in Little Havana, Romney said, "For dirty-one years I been in bizness and I know you doan make much money, 'cept I gonna change dat for you man, juss like that thins will change in dis place if you vote for me cus sone-thin like dat is not right, man."
Action man goes west!
Makers of 'Action Man' have announced the children's favourite will be soon returning to stores. Makers believe that 'Jake' and 'Tom', will make the subject of homosexual relationships easier to accept. Accessories available include lumberjack clothing and removable moustaches.
Personalised Number Plate
Magistrate and internet entrepreneur extrordinaire has offered cheap legal name changes to reduce the cost of personalised number plates, he will change your name to UAG for only £25
Rush Limbaugh spotted outside RP Anonymous meeting
Media elites are seeking an outlet as they try to repress any supportive thoughts of Ron Paul. Ron Paul Anonymous is one such outlet. Limbaugh admitted, "I just need somewhere to say this stuff so that it doesn't accidentally come out on the air!"
'Bitch Slapping' endorsed by Bush Administration
"In case that bitch takes my job!" declares president
John McCain spotted in blue leotard
A maid in a Florida hotel spotted a very surprised McCain gazing into his mirror. Apparently, he was transfixed upon how dashing he looked in the bright blue leotard emblazed with a large "D", and didn't notice when she entered the room for dailing cleaning.
Percentage Breakdown of Mccain's Florida Primary Win
Early bird specialists(65), right turn, left turn signal on drivers(80), the whale printed pants hiked 6 inches above the navel guys(75), the adult diaper crowd (50), the erectile dysfunction 'boys' (56), the walker crowd (74), the denture adhesive set (67) and the dirty old men (90)
Mad Sheep Disease Threatens Australia
The impact of the copious amounts of beer consumed during Australia day is only now being realised. Not only are sheep losing clumps of wool, they're hiding whenever a ram shows up. The Bo-Peep mint sauce company is so concerned they are asking for Government assistance.