Spoof news snippets from Friday 22 August 2008
National Lottery Double-Rollover
It's a National Lottery Double-Rollover tonight, so don't forget to buy a ticket. This week's winning numbers are: 6, 11, 14, 25, 36 and 50 The Bonus Number is 5.4
Obama Picks Natowsky As VP
Barack Obama tonight selected Sheldon Natowsky as his VP, but Sheldon, who is busy writing spoofs, told him to ***k o*f
Christmas Date For Your Diary!
An emergency meeting of the Cabinet at Whitehall, has this evening decided that, after much soul-searching, Christmas will once again be on December 25th this year.
Glitter Admits Comeback "Unlikely"
Aging paedo Gary Glitter has told police that a comeback involving a new album and a UK-wide tour, are unlikely until at least the year 10,001.
Brown And Blair On Muslim 'Hitlist'
Police investigations involving thousands of officers, have uncovered a deep-seated Muslim resentment of ex-PM Tony Blair and present PM Gordon Brown, and a sinister plot to murder the pair.
Spoof Writer Seeks Snippet Points
NickFun wrote a snippet for TheSpoof.com this afternoon for the sole purpose of gaining "snippet points".
"These things are easy to write and you get points for them!" Fun explained.
Big Brother Housemates In Argument
More BB mayhem tonight as Mo withheld a hamburger, Nicole cried, Rex shouted and Darnell took a bath. Later, Mo apologised. Usual shit.
Survey of Sexual Habits
The Survey of Sexual habits has determined that the most used sexual position for married couples is the doggie position. The husband sits up and begs - The wife rolls over and plays dead.
Polish Plane Crash Latest…
A Cessna 152 light aircraft crashed into a cemetery near Kracow today. So far 300 bodies have been recovered.
National Orgasm Week
Organizers of National Orgasm Week were disappointed to learn that the majority of women polled just pretended to celebrate.
Branch Falls From Tree, Killing 12
There was chaos in a Berkshire street today, when a branch fell from an oak tree, killing 7 ants, three wood lice, an earthworm and a man asleep.
Net names threatened
New internet domain names, due to come on stream later this century, have had to be cancelled due to an unforeseen shortage of dots. More later ........................................................
Sex Survey
In a new sex survey they found that 8% of people had sex four or more times a week. Now here is the interesting part - That number drops to 2% when you add the phrase, "With partner."
Oxymorons
The number of erudite chavs using oxymorons is almost exactly the same as last year but the figure is distinctly blurred.
Decathlete Runs 1500m In His Flip Flops
Having already won the Decathlon before the final discipline, US athlete Brian Clay ran the 1500m in his flip flops, and still won.
Olympics A Success For China
The Olympic Games have been an outstanding success for China, with figures showing that people don't really care about Human Rights anymore.
Boxers Knock Each Other Out
Iran's Ismael Mohammad and Iraq's Mohammad Ismael knocked each other out in their Featherweight semi-final contest. The result was declared 'a spectacle'.
Czech Athlete Throws Hammer Into Crowd
Czech athlete Jan Zittage was arrested by Chinese police after hurling his hammer into the crowd with his final throw. Zittage finished last.
Jacques Rogge Tests Negative For 'Banned Substance'
IOC President Jacques Rogge has tested negative for a banned substance - charisma.
Shiny money
The FTSE 100 index has risen on news that it is to be renamed the FTSE 100 Spandex.
Chinese Table Tennis Star Stands On Ball
Chinese star Zhiang Xin incurred the wrath of the game's governing body today, when she accidentally trod on a ball, crushing and ruining it beyond repair. She will be sentenced at a later date.
'English Weather'?
It was announced today that the climate in the UK should no longer be referred to as 'English weather.'It will now be referred to as 'Muslim Weather.'- 'partly Sunni but mostly Shi'ite.'
Name Change
The Gay Women's Rights Movement has announced today that the new and politically correct name for "lesbian." It has been changed to "vagitarian."
Big Brother Housemate Shits In Pool
An unnamed housemate has 'laid a cable' in the Big Brother bathing pool. Watch tonight to find out who!
EastEnders To Go Global
The BBC is set to sign a new deal that will take its dreary soap to Africa and Asia next year, so that all those folks can be miserable too!
Erkan Mustafa To Become A Circus Tent
The drug-fuelled ex-Grange Hill star embarks on a new career, not as an actor, but as a three-ring Big Top!
Paula Radcliffe Has Stopped Crying!
The marathon runner finally stopped crying this morning after it became clear to her, that nobody was taking the slightest bit of notice.