Spoof news snippets from August 2008
There were 144 spoof news snippets published in August 2008. A selection of the best rated snippets is shown here. You can use the calendar on the right hand side to get all the news snippets from a day in this month.
Statue of Huge Roman Ruler Unearthed
Turkish archeologists have unearthed a statue of a huge Roman ruler. Made of marble and with one straight edge, it is 90cm long and is marked off from I - XC. The Romans invented the decimal system.
Doctors Finally Determine What Causes Rosie O'Donnell's Mood Swings and Fits of Rage
The comedian is to begin immediate treatment for an advanced case of Mad Cow Disease.
Act of God?
A Lincoln church which was going to be turned into a mosque has been severely damaged by a fire. It is claimed to be an 'Act of God' but the question is; which one?
Blackpool Illuminations to switch-off early!
Famed the world over, Blackpool Illuminations will be closed after only one month. A Blackpool Council Official blamed rising energy bills and said they will run to the end of September only.
Oliver rants on size of people's TVs
Mockney celebrity chef Jamie Oliver has complained that many people in the UK have bigger TVs than his. That maybe the reasoon people can't afford good food? Or is it jealousy?
Lack of Tables?
According to Jamie Oliver, "80% of Britons don't sit around the table for dinner". Could the reason for this be a lack of tables? or is it that they already have breakfast, tea and supper around it
John McCain Wants to use Vice Presidential Nominee Choice to Split Democratic Party
If I name Hillary as my running mate, I'll split the Democrats and steal half their votes, but then it's possible that no Republicans will vote at all.
Crop Circles Found In Woman's Hair
A 36-year-old mother-of-two had the shock of her life this morning, when she woke to find crop circles in her hair. Mary Smith's daughter Amy, 4, told her: "Mum, your hair looks daft!"
Branch Falls From Tree, Killing 12
There was chaos in a Berkshire street today, when a branch fell from an oak tree, killing 7 ants, three wood lice, an earthworm and a man asleep.
Sex Survey
In a new sex survey they found that 8% of people had sex four or more times a week. Now here is the interesting part - That number drops to 2% when you add the phrase, "With partner."
Olympics A Success For China
The Olympic Games have been an outstanding success for China, with figures showing that people don't really care about Human Rights anymore.
Polish Plane Crash Latest…
A Cessna 152 light aircraft crashed into a cemetery near Kracow today. So far 300 bodies have been recovered.
Sex Is Best For Children
The results of a Government study out today, claim that having sex is the best way of conceiving children.
Soweto food more diverse than UK claims Oliver
Celebrity chef Jamie Oliver claims that the food in the slums of Soweto is more diverse than in the UK. "There are no fat people there and none of them have a telly." he said.
Czech Athlete Throws Hammer Into Crowd
Czech athlete Jan Zittage was arrested by Chinese police after hurling his hammer into the crowd with his final throw. Zittage finished last.
Boxers Knock Each Other Out
Iran's Ismael Mohammad and Iraq's Mohammad Ismael knocked each other out in their Featherweight semi-final contest. The result was declared 'a spectacle'.
Obama Picks Natowsky As VP
Barack Obama tonight selected Sheldon Natowsky as his VP, but Sheldon, who is busy writing spoofs, told him to ***k o*f
National Lottery Double-Rollover
It's a National Lottery Double-Rollover tonight, so don't forget to buy a ticket. This week's winning numbers are: 6, 11, 14, 25, 36 and 50 The Bonus Number is 5.4
New 'Longest Word' Found
Language experts have discovered a new 'longest word'. The word, 'wask'a' is from native South American Quechua, and means 'longest'.
Beijing Olympics End On High Note
Yes, it's on to London 2012 now, as the 2008 Beijing Olympics ended on a high note today - a G10 sung by Brazilian Discus-thrower Georgia Brown.
'English Weather'?
It was announced today that the climate in the UK should no longer be referred to as 'English weather.'It will now be referred to as 'Muslim Weather.'- 'partly Sunni but mostly Shi'ite.'
Big Brother Housemates In Argument
More BB mayhem tonight as Mo withheld a hamburger, Nicole cried, Rex shouted and Darnell took a bath. Later, Mo apologised. Usual shit.
Christmas Date For Your Diary!
An emergency meeting of the Cabinet at Whitehall, has this evening decided that, after much soul-searching, Christmas will once again be on December 25th this year.
Jamie Oliver complains over UK's poor cuisine
Celebrity chef Jamie Oliver has criticised the UK for its poor cuisine and alcohol culture. He claims the poor cuisine is NOT his fault as people would rather get drunk than watch him prepare a meal.
Chris Hoy's Dad To Go On A Diet
More fantastic news in the Olympic Velodrome today as Great Britain win two more gold medals and a silver, and Chris Hoy's overweight Dad promises to go on a diet.
Jacques Rogge Tests Negative For 'Banned Substance'
IOC President Jacques Rogge has tested negative for a banned substance - charisma.
Brown And Blair On Muslim 'Hitlist'
Police investigations involving thousands of officers, have uncovered a deep-seated Muslim resentment of ex-PM Tony Blair and present PM Gordon Brown, and a sinister plot to murder the pair.
Glitter Admits Comeback "Unlikely"
Aging paedo Gary Glitter has told police that a comeback involving a new album and a UK-wide tour, are unlikely until at least the year 10,001.
Cristiano Ronaldo Not Injured
Great news for Man Utd fans! Ronaldo managed to stay further-injury-free this weekend, as the Reds don't play Portsmouth until Monday. He won't get hurt then either, as he is already on crutches.
Olympic Sprint Batons Coated In Grease
Beijing: Batons used in the sprint relays were coated with grease. Britain, the US, Italy, France and Trinidad all lost their grips, but surprisingly, Greece held on.
Stop homosexuality at its source.
It is a proven scientific fact that over 99.47% of all gays, lesbians, and bisexuals are the offspring from a heterosexual union. Stop heterosexual unions, and you'll stop homosexuality.
Blackpool Illumination
Energy cutbacks have forced Blackpool to use just one low-energy light bulb, a candle and several strategically placed mirrors. This year, it will be a case of 'Smoke and Mirrors', says Arthur Watt.
Police Discover Ashes In Fire-ravaged Building
Forensics experts have discovered what they say are "ashes" in the burnt-out shell of a house in Nottingham.
Gary Glitter Takes Up Residence In Bangkok
Gary Glitter has cut short his world tour, and will set up home in Bangkok's Suvarnabhumi airport, sources close to the filthy, disgusting, paedophile say.
Erkan Mustafa To Become A Circus Tent
The drug-fuelled ex-Grange Hill star embarks on a new career, not as an actor, but as a three-ring Big Top!
Big Brother Housemate Shits In Pool
An unnamed housemate has 'laid a cable' in the Big Brother bathing pool. Watch tonight to find out who!
Decathlete Runs 1500m In His Flip Flops
Having already won the Decathlon before the final discipline, US athlete Brian Clay ran the 1500m in his flip flops, and still won.
National Orgasm Week
Organizers of National Orgasm Week were disappointed to learn that the majority of women polled just pretended to celebrate.
Oldest Living Angolan Dead
Pedro Nbongo, the oldest living Angolan, has been killed in a sub-machine gun ambush accident in the capital, Luanda. He was 38.
Chinese Table Tennis Star Stands On Ball
Chinese star Zhiang Xin incurred the wrath of the game's governing body today, when she accidentally trod on a ball, crushing and ruining it beyond repair. She will be sentenced at a later date.
Name Change
The Gay Women's Rights Movement has announced today that the new and politically correct name for "lesbian." It has been changed to "vagitarian."
Paula Radcliffe Has Stopped Crying!
The marathon runner finally stopped crying this morning after it became clear to her, that nobody was taking the slightest bit of notice.
Survey of Sexual Habits
The Survey of Sexual habits has determined that the most used sexual position for married couples is the doggie position. The husband sits up and begs - The wife rolls over and plays dead.
New Chinese Venture
After the Olympics, the Chinese will be converting the Great Wall into the world's longest shopping center. It will be titled "The Great Mall of China".
Convicted for converting!
Grant Wilkinson has been found guilty of converting replica guns into live firing weapons.
Meanwhile, God Almighty has been found guilty of converting Muslims into Christians.
EastEnders To Go Global
The BBC is set to sign a new deal that will take its dreary soap to Africa and Asia next year, so that all those folks can be miserable too!
Obama denies owning ANY house as he folds tent!
Obama denied owning any house faced with the fact his opponent owns 7. "I don't own no house," he said, "everything is in my wife' name, and if she has one, I don't know where the bitch got it."
Hillary finally wins one...comes from BEHIND to win in Colorodo!
Hillary Clinton edged out Michelle Obama in the first ever BIG BUTT contest on the Realty Show , "I've Got Your Booty" airing to a mentally diminished audience. Future of the show is in doubt.
Hillary solves nation's gas problem...files for divorce!
Hillary Clinton announced at the DNC she is divorcing Bill, seeking half his declared assets and cash in an effort to silence his bull shit and promote clean air in Denver. Bill was speechless.
Bomb Sniffing Dogs Alert to William Ayers at DNC!
The Weatherman Underground founder, professor and confidant of Barack Obama failed an ammonia nitrate scan at a DNC checkpoint. A test traced the chemical to his shorts. Ayers said they weren't his.
John Edwards Back on College Speaking Trail
Topics to include discourse on Abstinence VS Safe Sex at nations' colleges.Fee will be $65,000, up from the $55,000 he got for speaking about POVERTY!
Conceivable?
Following filming for a BBC documentary, the MRI scanner used to show a couple having sex at London's Medical University has been nicknamed 'The Tunnel of Love'.
Death Defying
A circus performer from Prague who today fell 50 feet from the trapeze was not hurt.
The Czech bounced!
A New Iron-Age Dawns!
Tefdal have inventede a new magnetic steam iron that makes your clothes attractive.
I'm gonna go down on you and you'll love it!
But it's only going to be long enough for you to start enjoying it then I'm gonna come back and f*ck you big time.
Luv Petrol Prices!
Designer Babies
If designer babies are here, why is no one ordering "mute?"
Divorce Pending
The latest Marvel Comic reports that Spider-Man's marriage has fallen apart after more than 20 years . His lawyer claims that he has been ignoring his wife and spending far too much time on the web.
New Playboy for Married Men
Hugh Hefner has just published a new edition of Playboy magazine for married men. It has the same centerfold every month.
China reports advanced genetics...gymnastic embryos ready for 2012
Claiming accelerated aging techniques, Chinese scientists said incubated embryos will be ready to compete in women's gymnastics by the next olympics. Birth certificates have been pre filed with IOC.
Darling predicts grim financial future
Ex-Rocket Scientist and present Chancellor of the Exchequer, Alistair Darling predicts a global recession.
Tankers Collide in English Channel
Two tankers carrying paint collided in the English Channel today. One carrying blue paint and the other, red paint.
This left the entire crew of both ships marooned.
Celebrity Storks On Strike
They're tired of delivering twins to celebrities and getting paid for a single delivery.
John Edwards at the Democratic Convention?
The Democratic National Convention was still going to have John Edwards come and give a rip-roaring speech this Monday. He regretfully declined. That's his night to take care of the baby.
Oliver Twist?
A new cocktail has been invented by TV chef Jamie Oliver. Ingredients are gruel, soda, vodka, lime and a pinch of salt. The cocktail will be called the 'Oliver Twist'.
Jimmy Page loses G-string in Bird's nest
Former Led Zeppelin guitarist, Jimmy Page has lost his G-string. He believes he last had it at the closing ceremony of the Beijing Olympics and could have left it on the back seat of a London bus
Obama Arrives 3 Days late to DNC Coronation..Claims GPS Malfunctioned!
But Michelle Malkin said he had been busy real estate shopping in Nev., Cal. and Fl. for some deals and had secured 9 no-doc loans thereby placing him ahead of John McCain in the Real Estate Polls.
Jesse Jackson denied access to DNC; Metal detector finds weapon
Jesse Jackson was turned away from the DNC after security found a box cutter secreted in his shorts. Officials cited his earlier recorded threats against Obama to "cut off his nuts" to deny access.
John Edwards' Cries for Help and Understanding Ignored!
With an erection now lasting well past 4 hours and approaching 3 months, the former Presidential Candidate can find no relief. Doctors and supporters said he would have to handle his own problem.
Corrie Star Cancels Wedding
Bev Callard who plays Liz Macdonald in the soap has called off her big day. Good news for her current partner then as she already married mis-fit 'Vernon' this year, and she cheated on him twice!
Wax Museum Runs out of Wax
Creating Brangelina's growing family has strained resources.
Why Won't She Just Go Away?
No, not Hillary Clinton, but Tropical Storm Fay, which has made four landfalls in Florida.
Nanci Pelosi Backs Bill Clinton on Immaculate Blue Dress Stain Theory
Citing her Catholic educational backround, the Speaker of the House announced that the immaculate ejaculation was not sex, or a sin, but an expression of love. The Pope welcomed the clarification.
Ungrateful Barack Obama Accepts Democratic Crown At Coronation
Barack Hussein Obama reacted angrily when asked when he would be accepting his jewled crown at the DNC. Grabbing his crotch, the part time basketball player said, "I've got your jewels right here!"
Harry goes to Bollywood
Munish Purii, of Mirchi Movies, who made Hari Putar said: "Our film bears no resemblance to the Hollywood film Harry Potter and it is a completely different story. It is about a boy at Genie School"
Face Transplant Surgeries Considered Successful
An elated John McCain is hoping to replace his face with a black one before the November election.
Men leave Australia in flocks
Australian men are leaving Australia it has been revealed. Women are relieved, but beer manufacturers are facing a severe downturn in output. The blame has been put down to a lack of sheep.
Research Shows Mississippi, West Virginia, and Alabama Are the Most Obese States
...and getting more obese, as fatties from all over the U.S. head to these three states to find fat comfort zones.
Scientists say using moisturizers may cause cancer
The Wicked Witch of the West agrees and says, "Hey, being a winkled old crone works for me!"
A lucky Medicine
A doctor reports that the medicine he has invented has a side effect - short-term memory loss. His patients have already paid him 3 or 4 times. He will soon be very rich.
Modern Miracle: Medicine, Meteorology Merge
Medical doctors and climate experts have joined forces and plan to air-drop thousands of antidepressants into the core of Tropical Storm Fay in hopes of bringing her disturbing nature under control.
Panic in Obama Camp
He stops to think, but finds he just can't start up again!
Mr Paparazzi Tells Media: "Leave Poor Jade Goody Alone!"
Close friends fear that cock-headed celebrity knocker Darryn Lyons may be heading for a complete mental breakdown.
John McCain Changes Mind about Nomination of Sarah Palin
He thinks she might be related to Michael Palin and declared, "I want none of that Monty Python nonsense in my campaign."
Online Beauty Contest for Nuns To Run on an Italian Priest's Blog
Whoopi Goldberg, star of Sister Act, plans to enter contest and will plead for votes on "The View."
Joe Namath, 65, May Come out of Retirement
He's commented, "Favre has done it, Strahan's considering it. Why not me?"
Barfing passenger refuses to purchase airsickness bag
Seat mates treat him to one.
Owners of Bigfoot Corpse Sign Marketing Contract with Reebok
"Customers need to know that our footwear comes in all sizes," says a Reebok spokesperson.
Spoof Writer Seeks Snippet Points
NickFun wrote a snippet for TheSpoof.com this afternoon for the sole purpose of gaining "snippet points".
"These things are easy to write and you get points for them!" Fun explained.
U. S. Food Regulators to Permit Radiation of Spinach
An indignant Popeye complains: "When God said, 'Let there be light,' He didn't mean it to be in my spinach."
Barack Obama Formally Nominated for President
Hillary's camp demands a do-over!
Vehicle Hijack latest:
A lorry loaded with brand-new file folders was hijacked on the M25. Later the same day, a truck carrying boxes of Post-its was stolen. Police believe the robberies were the work of organized crime.
2008 Vice Presidential Running Mates Announced
World shocked as presidential candidates pick each other. Planners scurry to combine conventions. Voters no much worse off than before. America, as always...doomed.
Oxymorons
The number of erudite chavs using oxymorons is almost exactly the same as last year but the figure is distinctly blurred.
Nigella Lawson Has Less Than a Fortnight to Eat World's Food!"
Voluptuous raven-haired glutton Nigella Lawson has vowed to eat as much of the world's food supply as possible before "Greedy Mo" is evicted from Big Brother 9.
Spoof redesign causing epileptic seizures
Mark Lowton, owner and editor of TheSpoof.com, discovered today that the redesigned web site caused violent epileptic seizures in 80% of it's viewers.
"I'll fix that", Mark promised.
Spammers Sued by Facebook and MySpace
Furious spammers complain, "Just because we don't want to be their friends, they're dragging our butts into court."
Man changes Pants in Bank Row
A man has had his banking password from 'Lloyds is pants' to 'Oh not it's not' by a former banking employee. He could not change it again to 'Barclays is better'. Banks obviously lack sense of humour.
Why Bill Cried
At the DNC, Bill Clinton wasn't crying because of pride in Hillary's great speech. It was because John Edwards stole his date.
New Olmpic event offered by the Chinese
Chinese President, Hu Jintao, has proposed a new Olympic event: Shoot the Tibetan. He Said he would be a unique test of marksmanship and intolerance.