Spoof news snippets from November 2007
There were 90 spoof news snippets published in November 2007. You can use the calendar on the right hand side to get all the news snippets from a day in this month.
Why the New York Yankees will not win the World Series again this year under their new manager:
Because it's over, stupid. They played it last month.
Rapper Snoop Dog to release coffee table sized book for the holidays
White Women I Have Fuzizzled expected to be Christmas best seller in black community.
Alistair Darling admitted to hospital for surgery on spine
Once thought to be spineless, Alistair Darling has actually got one - doctors found it today along with two slipped discs.
McDonald's in Commemorative Bun Ban.
McDonald's were due to launch a burger to celebrate the forthcoming 60th birthady of HRH Princess Ann. They were going to call it the 'McAnn', but it would be seen to be in BAD TASTE. Back to the McThink tank, boys!
Bill Oddie evolves into a goldfinch
Autmnwatch presenter, Bill Oddie has died his hair red, green,white - just some of the colours of the goldfinch. It all began when one of his fellow presenters called him a 'Grey tit or should it have been a 'Great Tit'.
An Irish woman was admitted to hospital after having phone sex. Doctors removed 2 Nokias, 3 Motorolas and a Samsung. No Siemen was found.
Helpful hint for Dubya
President Bush should know by now that unemployment ISN'T working
Livingstone: Mayor was Nazi
Mayor of London Ken Livingstone was a member of the Hilter Youth during WW2, new files released today reveal. The unrepentant Mayor said: 'Many Muslims fought bravely for the Germans during the war.'
Mucca Out of Lucca
Looney Heather Mills, 55, tore up a lottery ticket yesterday after she failed to win a prize. Mucca, 67, was wild-eyed with rage as she launched an attack on Paul McCartney, 88, branding him 'a miserable old bastard' after he refused to share his winnings on the 2.45 at York.
Mucca Not Pukka Says Jade
Madwoman Heather Mills, 54, is the victim of ugly Big Brother bully and moron Jade Goody's latest attack. 'That stoopid cow gets on my tits. 'Cos she's ambidextrose like Lord Nelson don't mean noffink. She should leave Peter Carthy alone innit,' lambasted the loudmouthed idiot, 37, yesterday.
Macca Mucker Mocca Mocks Mucca
Paul McCartney fan Harry Mocombe, 55, a layabout and wife-beater, yesterday taunted mad cow Heather Mills, 61, branding her 'a vindictive old bat with more money than sense that needs a good slapping.'
Macca's New Stunna's Worth Ten of Mucca
Sir Paul McCartney's new lover Nancy Shevell, 25, is a right stunna! She's fit, has brains, and is worth a bob or two. Why oh why, with hordes of lovely women like that about, did Macca ever get mixed up with a crazy old slag like fame-hungry money-grabber Heather Mills, 56?
Imaginary Dog 'No Bother'
Mrs Irma Tusk, 72, was worried that staff and residents at Hexham Residential Care Home 'The Yews' would react badly to her imaginary Jack Russell, Toby. But she needn't have bothered. 'It's no problem', said manager Martin Goebbels, 35. 'Toby's so quiet you wouldn't know he was there!'
Straw Hats Still Not 'The Thing'
Straw hats are still unfashionable, according to style guru Leonardino Trestle. 'A beret or a tricorn felt hat, yes. The straw boater, no', said Trestle at a Workington Comets speedway match last night, where he was wearing a tartan corduroy snood with matching mittens.
Sham Nelson Turned Away
A man dressed as Lord Nelson was thrown out of Penzance's 'Hearts of Oak' pub last night. 'I knew right away he wasn't the real Nelson' said Landlord George Pumice, 63. 'His bad arm was on the wrong side.'
Counterfeit Nelson Arrested
Nelson impersonator Colin Hessenthaler, 56, was arrested outside St Ives church yesterday. Hessenthaler, who had travelled from Lowestoft overnight, had prevented vicar Maurice Hardy from leaving, crying 'beat to quarters, Hardy!' and holding the door shut.
'Winter will be hard' Says Farmer
Llangollen farmer Iestyn Prytherch, 48, reckons we are in for a severe winter. 'The crows are burrowing early, and that's a bad sign', he said yesterday. When it was pointed out that he had moles and not crows in his lawn, Prytherch retorted 'Crows or moles, the big thing is the early burrowing.'
Anal Retentiveness Found in xXx
Vin Diesel and Ice Cube have declared that if things don't go the way they want anymore they will quit the xXx film series.
Gordon Brown wins wobbly face contest
British Prime Minister Gordon Brown has officially the world's wobbliest face after he beat a bloodhound in the Flapping Jowls Final in Toledo, Ohio.
Milliband: serious proposal
British Foriegn Secretary David Milliband Jnr has invited Mars to become a member of the Eurpean Union.
Philosophical Circus Was 'Brain' not Main Attraction
P T Barnum is famous for attracting C19th US audiences with his 'This Way To The Egress' exhibit. Few if any, however, know about Dr John Socrates and his 'Philosophical Carnival' of the same period, whose 'This Way To The Infinite Regress' exhibit merely baffled visitors.
Breaking lingerie news just in...
The co-founders of the Wonderbra have had a bust up.
You say, we pay
Richard Madelely was today in another Television faking incident, when it was revealed he and Judy Finnegan are not really married, said a bitter vicar, who claims not to remember the ceremony.
Scientists clone first monkey wrench
"This will be a valuable tool for treating or curing human homes & vehicles," said one scientist. But hardware stores are opposed to the cloning. "We won't honor a 'lifetime warranty' from a cloned tool," an industry spokesman said...
Black is the old Black
There was shock in the Fashion world today, when Black was called the old Black.
Today, a teenager swapped his pigsty of a bedroom and a large part of his soul for a pristine office suite, and copious amounts of coffee in the latest TV Reality show, called 'Your life in our cruel, evil twisted hands'.
Evil Edna, the cantakerous TV set from TV's Will O' The Wisp will be humanely destroyed, as she cannot be converted to a Digital set. The Moog was no-where to be found.
Eeyore, the world's most famous miserable donkey is happier now, having found a date on the internet. She is a somewhat distraught Giraffe, who is beginning to tire of all the 'How's the Weather up there' jokes.
Estate Agents sometimes lie
Shocking news in from a statistics office is that the three new spacious apartments that a young couple recently viewed was in fact a converted rabbit hutch.
Other news in is that the Pope is still Catholic, but an increasing number of bears use the public toilets in their parks.
The force of Gravity has today declared herself as being bored, and from now on objects will fall up, rather than down.
Today, a Pig flew, after having areoplance wings grafted unto its back, following a dull day for science.
Today, Knacker, the only horse in a one horse town was shot by Government officials, wanting to rebrand the place properly.
Operation, the game adored by Children the world over, is too be banned in schools, as it is a cause of stress for the under 8's.
Best selling author Maurice Sendak is to be sued for not answering the question implied in his book 'Where the wild things are'.
New Government plans
New Government plans were revealed today, for three way streets in parts of Devon and Rhyll.
Window Sills are to be banned in Basildon, said a man with a placard predicting the forthcoming Apocalypse.
New historical records have revealed that King Herod's second name was Brian. Judas's second name was Kevin.
All new Computer Keyboards will be made with the letters in strict alphabetical order. It means that all old Keyboards are now obsolete, and will be timed to explode in 15 years. Don't say you weren't warned.
Leading Stationers WH Smith's are the leading sellers of Paper Clips for the seventh month in a row, said an angry Ryman's worker.
Evel Cliff Richard
The world's most succesful Elvis Presley tribute act, Cliff Richard is to attempt to leap the Grand Canyon, using the Pedestal that so many people have him on, in a tribute to Evel Knieval.
Gordon Brown, the trail-blazing Prime Minster will have a Christmas time tie in with a popular type of Sauce. Gordon's Brown Sauce, will feature the tastes of Gin and HP sauce in a combination set to prove popular at yule-time.
Errors Blamed For Menzies Death
Met confirm that they were actually trying to shoot former LibDem Leader, Menzies Campbell.
US Economy in Meltdown
No British people hurt.
Soup spoons are to be redesigned, so that they act more like straws, says an old man with too much time on his hands.
Comedy missing link
There was a small fight in London today when small Geordie comics Ant and Dec where described as the missing link between Cannon and Ball and Joe Pasquale.
Ears Looking at you, Kid
There was a tense stand of between actor Martin Clunes, Dr Spock, and Skippy the Bush Kangaroo in 'Guess the biggest ears' at the White House.
Professor Sedgwick Rubix the III has usurped his father's work with the invention of the Rubix Circle. It was solved by a four year old in six minutes.
Lionel Richie's refrain 'Hello, is it me you're looking for?' has been condemned for its use of irony, says washed up pop star Limahl.
ITV controllers have revealed that Gordon Ramsey has never sworn. They just have a very sensitive bleeper.
A man in Nuneaton has been warned not to take his Giraffe to the cinema anymore, as it disturbs the view of fellow film viewers.
Democracy the loser
In a surprising turn of events on Saturday the Australian Federal election was won by politicians.
Maw Orkshun Nyoose
A stuffed basset hound goes for sale at Sotheby's today. The dog is expected to fetch nothing.
A position exists for a suicide bomber. Must be experienced.
Editors drown in mochachinos
A writer for TheSpoof.com discovered today why his contributions are not seen online. It seems that the TheSpoof.com's editorial staff have all drowned in their oversized mochachinos. Editorial expert Dr. E. S. Righta says that this is becoming common as editors over-rate their abilities.
New use for muddy hole
Australia's Prime Minister has said the accidental draining of Sydney Harbour provides an ideal location for a nuclear waste dump. Details to follow.
An Australian goes missing every 90 seconds, the Missing Persons Squad says. " Next time we find him we're going to chain him down in a cell."
NASA SAYS GRAVITY AN ILLUSION
NASA today announced that gravity does not exist. The Earth sucks.
Election blues hit Oz.
On the eve of Federal elections, in which voting is compulsory, tens of thousand of Aussies are reported to be emigrating to NZ or PNG until the madness is over.
Mr and Mrs Ty from Glasgow are to be sued by their son Nump for cruelty.
Hockey Sticks are to be banned from Poland, due to new legislation.
Al Gore's Lifetime Weather Calendar on sale now!
Help Al Gore win another Pulitzer, by buying his lifetime Weather Calendar! It's only one page and it's made from re-cycled paper, available for $5.99, plus shipping. Or, your own calendar! The formula is simple, not unlike Al. Just write (preferably in crayon); The Weather Today: warm and sunny.
American Deriding Soccer Kicked in the Face
A fat, beer-swilling American was kicked in the face by soccer hooligans in a pub in London after saying, "Soccer is mad gay, yo!" one too many times. The kicker was heard to say, "It's football you dumb ****e!" in barely understandable Cockney before delivering the telling blow.
Ad Causes Telephone Melt-Down
The Bournemouth telephone exchange was in melt-down last Friday evening after the following advertisement appeared in the EQUESTRIAN section of the local free paper. ARABIAN STUD FOR SALE - RE-ADVERTISED DUE TO MISUNDERSTANDING TELEPHONE ***** ******
Survey reveals consistent death pattern
A survey of obituary columns in over 1,000 local newspapers has revealed that communities generally die in alphabetical order.
Bush Cancels 2008 & 2009
President Bush announced today that 2008 & 2009 will be cancelled. This unprecedented step was taken in the light of reports from advisors that the US will slide into deep recession during this period. Bush reminded viewers to put their clocks forward two years at midnight on December 31st.
Ugly Betty to be cancelled
Hit TV series 'Ugly Betty' to be cancelled after survey revealed that 52% of males stated 'they WOULD do her'.
'No Deal: Noel's Not Real' says Peel
'Noel Edmonds, 63, is not real' claimed Albert Peel, 77, a retired beefeater from Lincoln, yesterday. Peel, 77, a retired beefeater from Lincoln, made the shock unreality claim about Edmonds, 63, yesterday.
Cheney Wins Marathon
Riding on the backs of two black-hooded Gitmo detainees bridled for the occasion, bullwhip in hand.
Up and coming sport 'archery tennis' takes Mexico by storm.
Mexicans have developed a strict set of rules, and have been demonstrating worldwide. They are also looking for more demonstrators.
Cartoon World Shaken
Today the cartoon world was turned on its head as cartoonist Jim Davies (Famous for Garfield) revealed thet the industry has run out of frames to draw in. Character Jon stated 'the very ground we stand on will soon disapear', he then delivered a clever one liner and left.
U.S. Bans Mail To Mexico
In response to Mexico's president publicly criticizing the U.S. for not treating Mexican illegals better, the President of the United States today banned the sending of mail, money orders and wire transfers from the U.S. to Mexico. Mexico immediately declared bankruptcy.
New Planet Discovered
Scientists have named it after the United States President: Planet Twat
England Shirt Logo to be changed.
The respected 'three lions' of the England shirt, is to be change to three tampons, to represent this bloody awful period.
Matrix lover detained
Today, Andy Dowley, fan of the matrix was arrested for stealing a gold spoon with a diamond handle, although he maintains there was no spoon.
SpoofDotCom Reveals sad truth
Today, webward newspaper of genius', thespoof revealed that the world is not actually real, according to the research of some dude somewhere.
The word 'bored' to be replaced.
Oxford english dictionary has declared that the word 'Bored' is to be replaced withthe word 'Peanut' in order to alleviate the boredom represented by the word.
Elixir of life discovered
The elixir of life has already been discovered. According to new research, the elixir was found, and has been used by Bruce Forsyth
the lette ' ' has been emoved fom this eport.
unfotunatly due to poblems with acism online, all appeaances of the lette ' ' have been deleted so acist comments become unecognisable.
Editor-in-chief buried alive
Today, editor-in-chief, Mark, was buried alive under the hundreds of awful snippets that writer 'tipsy' left for him on his return. 'tipsy' stated "if this goes live i'll eat my face"
Cheney Wins Mr. Universe Competition
The victorious VP pulled out a win by drinking the souls of his opponents from a goblet made from the hollowed-out skull of an Iranian virgin during a ghastly ritual.
Chuck Norris visits New York City
The residents of Gotham wisely evacuated the city, only narrowly saving themselves from death by roundhouse kick.
US Stealth Fighter Disaster
St Edwards Air Force Base Nov 4 2007 - the planned test flight of the prototype Stealth 'X5' fighter, with its unique, 'next generation' cloaking device was cancelled this afternoon after the crew were unable to find the aircraft..
Turkey Allows Freedom Of Expression
One may now frown in the presence of the king.
They search him here ----
The Invisible Man narrowly escaped after being shot in the foot during a daring robbery today. Sydney police are confident of an early arrest, saying "He can hide but he can't run."
Celebrity illusionist, David Blaine was arrested today. After producing his driving licence for a routine road check, he then made it levitate then vanish. Having failed to demonstrate he has his licence, the police had no choice.
'No Deal For Noel Now' Claims 'Ex-Lover Emily'
Ms Emily Frantic, 62, a Great Yarmouth Lollipop Lady, made the shock claim yesterday that the man she bedded on a 1972 Halifax dirty weekend was Noel Edmunds, 76, a dump-truck driver, and not Noel Edmonds, 69, the irritating bearded TV host.
No Deal For 'New Noel'
Noel Edmonds, 74, was turned away from the TV studio door where the latest edition of 'Deal Or No Deal' was being filmed yesterday. 'They said Noel was already inside threatening the audience and told me to f*** off' claimed Edmonds, 74, a retired pargeter from Middlezoy, Somerset. 'Bastards.'
Bush Awakens From Louisiana Nightmare
The President described the bad dream as "terrible," saying "I was surrounded by black folks and no Secret Service," as he barely restrained a shiver and hugged his Binky.
New research reveals monobrows are normal.
Scientist at Oxford University, England, have revealed that the monobrow is something all humans are meant to have. They also confirmed that having ginger hair and being fat is normal too. The USA has already sent an airstrike, as have Russia.