Spoof news snippets from Wednesday 6 June 2007
Toastmasters International Looking for a Few Extraverts
Unfortunately, in these wartorn times, there just aren't enough verts to go around.
Dermot O'Leary refused insurance on his "talent."
"We see no proof of any," whines a spokesman for Insurance Giant Lloyds. "We refused a similar policy on Russell Brand."
Channel 4 to broadcast Documentary about Man eating own Excrement
"We foresee this being very popular with the Big Brother audience," declares Head of Broadcasting, Ronnie Retard.
Head of Channel 4 quits
"At last I'm recognised as a total twat. I can now fulfil my ambition." He said on his first day as head of the Inland Revenue.
Patricia Hewitt plans Fines for sick People
"They are an unnecessary burden on the NHS!" warns Health Minister on advice from NHS Accountants.
I Was Caressed by Cameron at Eton proclaims Resident
Says antique Grecian Urn in shock revelations inside this month's edition of "Antiques Speak!"
Man Sues Health Drink Maker Over Erection
Sales of BOOST PLUS have 'spiked' and the price of stock in the drink's manufacturer, NOVARTIS-AG, have 'swelled' after man says the drink caused an erection that would not subside. "'Hard' to believe," says NOVARTIS-AG spokesman.
Magic Roundabout star Brian arrested for Kerb Crawling
"My client contests the claim and I am confident that he is completely innocent!" screams expensively-paid and immoral spokesman.
Eating crumpets can kill!
Manners Satchen of EuroCrumbFactoids LLE the Swiss statistical enumeration wonderland, said that eating 228 crumpets in one go could kill you dead. The calculation used to determine the exact number was not divulged, however, it is known that anything over one hundred and fifty is decidedly dodgy.