Spoof news snippets from December 2007
There were 69 spoof news snippets published in December 2007. You can use the calendar on the right hand side to get all the news snippets from a day in this month.
Brazil Warning
Brazil has been forced to erect signs at all ports of entry warning that the country may contain nuts
Going crazy
Mental hospitals are now required to erect signs warning that their premises contain nuts
Free Speech
... is writing for the Spoof and not getting paid
Bishop Discovered in Monster Tuna
Spanish fishermen garnered an extraordinary harvest yesterday when a giant tuna they had caught was found to contain an Anglican Bishop. "He is like the Jonah man inside Bible book!" quipped Rafael Lustau, the owner of the boat.
Church Condemns "Jonah" Quips
The Church of England yesterday condemned those who have used the name "Jonah" for the Anglican Bishop found inside a monster tuna by Spanish fishermen. 'He is now in the Folkestone Home for Bewildered Clergy, and gratuitous name-calling will only hinder his recovery' a spokesman claimed.
Queen's Speech to be in Mime
Buckingham Palace revealed yesterday that the Queen will deliver this year's Christmas Speech in mime, in honour of mime artiste Marcel Marceau, who died this year. "Her Majesty is still devastated by Marcel's death, and she will do the speech in full white face make-up" claimed a Royal Lickspittle.
'Vampire' Claims Dismissed by Askey Historian
Claims that C20th comedian Arthur Askey's trademark "Busy Bee" song was a reference to the miniature star's secret life as a Vampire were dismissed by Askey historian Lou Dremarks. 'Arthur was a bloodsucker, but only psychologically and financially' corrected Dremarks.
Reindeers Reined In
Santa Clause has recalled 10,000 Chinese made reindeers due to the lead content in the red paint on their noses
We Are "Nowhere" Claims Yeading Man
Yeading shoe salesman Peter Winker claimed yeaterday that the human race 'is, always has been and always will be nowhere'. Asked to explain, Winker, 45, said: 'Look, it's always now, right? And you're always here, OK? Put them words together and your always nowhere. Sorted.'
'Thruppence in Pudding' Tradition Dying Out
The age-old tradition of putting threepenny bits into Christmas puddings has virtually died out, according to a letter written to popular magazine The People's Friend. Correspondent Mrs Alice Brittle, of Wark, says that there just aren't enough 'thruppences' about any more.
Junk TV Visible from Space
Britain's 'Junk TV Cloud' is now visible from orbiting satellite cameras, along with other famous phenomena such as The Great Wall of China and the Naive Hypocrisy of Anti-Iraq War Protestors, Cambridge boffin Joy Stich revealed yesterday.
Gordon Brown - The Pantomime
Wags in Down Street have written a new Pantomime about Gordon Brown. There were hilarious cries of the 'The Government, it's behind you' 'Oh no, it isn't'.
Monks
The Monks of Foo King are to be sued for their noisy behaviour. A spokesman said 'These Foo King Monks are a nuisance, and they should be stopped'.
Monkey Socks
An idiot inventor in Cheshire has made the world's first socks for Monkeys. He used his own socks............
No Link
The Daily Mail has today admitted that nothing in the world is directly linked to its continued existence.
Christmas Card Mountain
Experts predict that this year's Christmas Card Mountain can be significantly reduced by recycling.
Books................
A man was killed in a library. Police found the suspect, he was booked. The Librarian said Sssssshhhhhhhhhhh, but it was all fine.
Cat Hair
Cat Hair jackets are the new trend, for Cats, said a spokeman for Cat Hair Magazine.
Woodworm Christmas Banquet
Chefs at Woodworms R Us have this week recommended Doors as a tasty treat, following last weeks serving suggestions of table and chairs.
Graduate's Wig Leaves Town in Alf Spyder
Dustin Hoffman and his wig are to be legally seperated after 21 years of marriage, his attorney has announced. The wig is expected to be given custody of the Alfa Romeo Hoffman drove in 'The Graduate'
Fayed: Shopkeeper admits 'sad drunk' blunder
Mohammed Fayed has shocked the Diana inquest by admiting the Princess and his son Dodi would still be alive 'If I hadn't told that sad drunk to drive them around.'
Hogmanay II
There was confusion in BBC today when it was revealed that Later with Jools Holland is in fact recorded earlier. The Hootenanies that go out on New Year's Eve are in fact recorded on New Year's day, the year before.
Help
Said Mr McCartney, as he was told to leave the Library. No Beatles were hurt..........
New Sweets
Cadburys, the Dentist's friend has launched a new range of novel foods for Christmas. Lemon Flavoured Wasps, and Salt flavoured Fruit and Nut bars will be available for a limited time over the festive season.
Jazz Music
Jazz Music has now been banned from parts of Leamington Spa, because parts of the town now swing too much. 'You crazy Jazz Cats', said Major Stanley 'Toothless grin' Smith.
Butter
Food stuff 'I can't believe it's not Butter' has had its name changed to the more accurate 'Lump of Lard' said a spokesman for Clean Arteries are here again.
Missing Home Secretary Spotted
British Home Secretary Jacqui Smith has been spotted alive and well at 'booze supermarket' just outside Calais, newspapers claim.
Potato head
England Footballer Wayne Rooney has signed a new contract worth 44 Million to be the new face of Mr Potato Head.
Strife for Writers
A writer on strike in America has hit trouble, for he is now unable to write a shopping list.
Yawn
Professor Ennui from the Institute of Pretentious Life Studies has claimed that Boredom is good for you. That is why boring people always live so long.
'Love Thy Neighbour' leads Christmas ratings war
The film version of TV's smash hit 'Love Thy Neighbour' is to top ITV's Christmas schedule as the channel goes head-to-head with the BBC in the festive ratings battle. Beeb bosses have replied with the feature film of 'Mind Your Language' - the hilarious language school comedy.
No News
In an empty room, nothing happened, but how do we know? That is the conundrum that you have to answer for yourself, reader.
Political Shock
A tory Politician has admitted he does not have all of the answers. He is not a quiz master...Loud hoots of laughter were heard from the back bench...
Cluedo
Professor Plum in Cluedo does not like Plums. He likes Apricots, though.
Shaggy Dog Story
Shaggy, the wispily bearded character from TV documentary Scooby Doo has claimed that he does not like the way that he is portrayed in the programme. 'I am not some idiot whose only friends are two dogs, and three people who find him a nusiance' said the Cartoon nusiance, idiotically.
No more Robbie
Newspapers claim that Take That have closed the door on welcoming Robbie Williams back into the group. Comedian and Actor Robin Williams is more than welcome........
Life's a Bummer for Goofy Golf Ball Driver
A driver in Pittsburg who fashioned his own 'bead mat' car seat cover from golf balls is to have three of the balls surgically removed from his bottom.
Livingstone: Mayor Spits on his Food
London Mayor and reptile keeper Ken Livingstone is slowly turning into an Iguana after he bungled an attempt at human tranportation in his lab at the GLC twenty years ago.
Charlie Dimmock
TV Gardener Charlie Dimmock is to retire from Television, claiming that keeping up with Alan Titchmarsh is proving too much for her.
Wombling Free
In a bid to crack down on Council overspends, councillors for Wimbledon Common are to sack the lovable beasties known as Wombles, from their rubbish collecting ways.
Hogmanay
Pigs in Scotland are under Police protection, in preparation for this year's Hogmanay celebrations.
?????????
What you lookin' at, posh bloke?, Posh bloke, what you lookin' at?' asked a toff in the mirror. He never got film quotes right, said er outdoors.
I Can't believe it's not.............
The celebrity bible 'I can't believe it's not true' has had it's name changed to 'A pack of lies'.
Spirograph
Archeologists in Wyoming have found what they believe to be the world's oldest Spirograph, five hundred feet down in the Fossil record.
New Spice Girls album
The spice girls are set to release an album of Gregorian chants to cash in with the current world music trend, said Z Magazine in an issue from 1992.
Russell Brand, again
Following on from the launch of his great literary masterpiece 'My Booky Wook' Russel Brand has now taken on out of work walking carpet Chewbecca to be his Wookie Cook.
Cookery
Chewbacca, the Wookie Cook has unveiled his latest recipe, Banthatoffe Pie.
Panto
There was consternation in Panto-land today when Cinderella said that Prince Charming was not really the man for her, and she was actually in love with Buttons.
Panto 2
Further controversy from Pantomime - The Ugly Sisters are actually Men.
Monty Python
In a shock poll, My Family has been voted best British comedy above Monty Python. It won in the category for 'Robert Lindsay's most gurning expressions'.
Oscar
Following news that the Oscar won for Citizen Kane is to be sold at auction for £1,000's, it has been revealed that the Oscar won for Sister Act II has been given away.
Police Pay Talks
The Police were today in talks over a disputed pay rise. Sting said he was not paid enough.
Extra RBTs leading up to Xmas hols.
Despite conducting 12,000 random breath tests over the past weekend, NSW Police failed to catch a single driver who was not breathing.
Reclaim the language
A new organization was launched today with the aim of returning the English language to the people.
Called CaTOuStAc ( Campaign to outlaw stupid acronyms) the organization is seeking members. Interested persons should contact anyone who give a damn.
No Lady in Red, please
Middle of the Road philanthropist Chris De Burgh is to play a gig in Iran. A spokesman for the troubled country said: 'Have we not suffered enough?'
George Bush Gets A Swift One!
While visiting a Veteran's Hospital in Galviston, Texas, President Bush recieved a swift kick in the ass from a One Legged Man.
Linux usage linked to impotence!
In a recent study conducted by the University of Redmond Linux usage has shown to have a very strong link to erectile dysfunction. The effects are directly related to the popularity of the applicable distribution.
DJ Suspended for "Phrase that Pays"
HOUSTON--KCON-FM morning show host Al Kada was suspended today when he dropped an hammer on his foot just as he was about to let listeners know the "Phrase That Pays." Station officials told listeners that "Oh $#@&%-@&#$" was not the Phrase That Pays.
Blitzen, Comet, Dasher Named In Steroid Report
Trainer Elf claims he injected flight enhancing hormones on numerous occasions. Santa Claus unavailable for comment..
Kraft announce plant in Middle East
Dairy foods giant Kraft have unveiled plans to build the worlds largest cheese production plant in the Middle East. They will mark the event with a new selection of Middle Eastern dairy products called 'Cheeses of Nazareth'
Jamie Lynn Spears' Fetus Announces It's Pregnant
The 12-week old fetus of 16-year-old Jamie Lynn Spears announced that it is expecting twins next July. The father-to-be, reportedly a tapeworm in Jamie's digestive tract, is said to be "thrilled" by the development.
Displaced White House Workers Get FEMA Trailers
WASHINGTON (HNN) -- Workers displaced this week by a fire at the Eisenhower Executive Office Building, including Vice President Dick Cheney, will work out of FEMA trailers until their offices can be repaired, expected some time in 2014.
Blair Converts to Satanism
Former Prime Minister of Great Britain Tony Blair has joined the Church of Beelzebub. The High Priest of England, Cedric Heathen McWicker confirmed Mr. Blair's conversion today. His family are said to be very supportive and look forward to a life of sacrifice and ritual murder.
'Cameron Piping' to be Used to Heat Old Folks' Home
The 23 miles of hot-air piping discovered inside vacuous Tory Boy Leader David Cameron during an endoscopic procedure is to be installed in a Dover Nursing Home. Mike Satan, manager of Golgotha Towers, said 'it'll replace our ailing central heating system nicely!'
Taris Tilton accuses Mangelina Molie of Cheating!
Taris Tilton has accused Mangelina Molie of cheating during a breaststroke charity event. When asked about the matter, Taris replied "She used her hands, I thought this was the breaststroke!"
Osama Bin Laden wins lawsuit
Osama Bin Laden has won a lawsuit against George Bush, and now legally owns the whole of Alaska and one fifth of New York.
PAKISTAN: Female presidential candidate assassinated just prior to election; her opposition party crumbles
In U.S., Hillary Clinton tells Republicans: "Now, don't go getting any ideas from this, fellas!"
Daredevil Evel Knievel Dies
Body, Casket to jump 25 buses in Wembly Stadium next week.