There were 97 spoof news snippets published in August 2007. You can use the calendar on the right hand side to get all the news snippets from a day in this month.

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Dick Cheney Repents

CCN - Dick Cheney, after doing some soul searching, has repented his sins against humanity and has joined in the effort to impeach Bush.

written by Cal Jennings, 21 August 2007
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Cheney's Airplane Has Mechanical Problem

CCN - Vice President Dick Cheney's airplane had a small mechanical problem. Unfortunately, there were no safety concerns and the aircraft was scheduled to make a planned refuelling stop in Singapore after his trip to Australia.

written by Cal Jennings, 27 August 2007
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Photo of Fat Man Pulling a Green Plaid Suitcase Dominates The Spoof

Hating the attention, he's complained, "Just because I'm the world's first pregnant male, there's no need to plaster my picture all over the website."

written by Gail Farrelly, 12 August 2007
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Ron Paul Comes in Fifth in Iowa Straw Poll

He's not disappointed that he didn't win, saying: "I'm not that big a fan of Iowa straw anyway."

written by Gail Farrelly, 12 August 2007
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Federal Agents Arrest Illegal Immigrants in Raid at Ohio Chicken-Processing Plant

Many of the chickens were also proven to be illegal and were immediately deported.

written by Gail Farrelly, 31 August 2007
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Ducks want more

Ducks are now on strike, claiming that they want more than the soggy old crusts that 3 year old kids throw at them in the park.

written by Ben Macnair, 12 August 2007
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Science Discovery

Scientists in Idaho have discovered what appears to be a Hitachi Microwave in the Fossil Record. Histroy, Science, Time, whole world scuppered.

written by Ben Macnair, 20 August 2007
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Elvis Lives

Elvis Presley is now thought to be alive, and is a secret member of the Bush Family. Elvis Bush is a loner, with a passing resemblance to the erstwhile singer.

written by Ben Macnair, 27 August 2007
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Poltergeist - The School Play

1980's movie Poltergeist is to be turned into a School play, highlighting the dangers of Television to school age children.

written by Ben Macnair, 27 August 2007
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ET - TheSchool Play

1980's blub-fest ET is to be turned into a School Play, highlighting the dangers of underage drinking to a new audience.

written by Ben Macnair, 27 August 2007
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Nazi Undertones in the Flumps

Beloved Children's programme The Flumps has Nazi Undertones. More news will follow this development.

written by Ben Macnair, 12 August 2007
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Gabrielle from Bagpuss Dies

The world's most famous Banjo playing Frog,Gabrielle has died from eating soggy bread that three year old children throw out for the ducks.

written by Ben Macnair, 12 August 2007
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Fourth chord in Rock and Roll found

Archeologists in Iowa have discovered the Fourth chord that has been missing from Rock and Roll for years. It is seen as an important link in the development of music, and will have an impact on world events.

written by Ben Macnair, 12 August 2007
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First Edition Bible found

A rare first edition of the Bible has been found in a charity shop in Hastings. An eagle eyed Clergy bought the book with the collected works of James Herriot.

written by Ben Macnair, 12 August 2007
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No Beard, No Deal

TV Favourite Noel Edmonds has been told by Channel 4 BigWigs that if he ever shaves, he will lose his lucrative job.

written by Ben Macnair, 13 August 2007
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David Beckham Seen

Footballer David Beckham was today spotted buying new laces for his football boots.

written by Ben Macnair, 13 August 2007
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Dust Mites

A Spokesman for Dust Mites.com said: 'If you people could see what what we do, you would never sleep again'

written by Ben Macnair, 16 August 2007
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Busker's shock

Busker's will now be fined a fixed penalty every time they play either 'Streets of London' or 'House of the Rising Sun'. Ralph Mctell was not available for comment.

written by Ben Macnair, 16 August 2007
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Man found in Mouse

A tiny little man was found today, sleeping inside a Computer Mouse. The Mouse was unavailable for comment, but the little man ran away with the spoon.

written by Ben Macnair, 16 August 2007
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I forgive the Wolf

Today Little Red Riding Hood said that she has forgiven the big bad wolf for the years of trauma that he put her through.

written by Ben Macnair, 16 August 2007
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Morph is now holding up posters

Tony Hart, beloved presenter of Arts programmes for 1970's kids said that Morph was humanely destroyed, and now holds up the posters in his study. Chad was nowhere to be seen either.

written by Ben Macnair, 16 August 2007
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Yellow only in it for the money

Yellow, the stingiest of the all the colours said today that she only did the Simpsons colour for the money. Like most of the daffodils, as well, we would imagine.

written by Ben Macnair, 16 August 2007
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Ebay Sale

Ebay is selling itself on Ebay. It is well worn, dates back to the early 1990's, and bidding starts at £00.1p to ensure it goes to a good home.

written by Ben Macnair, 25 August 2007
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Jazz Gig

A Jazz Gig today did not feature a drum solo. Audience goes home happy, and early.

written by Ben Macnair, 25 August 2007
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Obi Wan Kenobi

Grizzled Jedi Knight Obi Wan Kenobi is to be the shock replacement for Michael Parkinson on his chat-show when the famed Barnsley Man leaves his show.

written by Ben Macnair, 27 August 2007
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Northern Exposure - The Musical

1990's Television Show Northern Exposure is to be turned into a Musical, featuring such songs as 'Maggie May, but she probably won't' and 'Look after the Mice, and the Moose will look after itself'.

written by Ben Macnair, 27 August 2007
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'Brangelina' argue who has the better backside.

Pitt insists his buns are tighter

written by BillyTheRocker, 18 August 2007
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Lohan snorts Hilton's Ashes

Lindsay Lohan reportedly has snorted the cremated remains of Paris Hilton's grandfather

written by Boone Adams, 20 August 2007
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Fiddler crabs now rapping

Fiddler crabs on the east coast have laid down their fiddles and have started rapping. The United Crab Union stated" We were just sick of fiddlin'"

written by Boone Adams, 23 August 2007
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Sue Pollard in new film

80's television star Su Pollard is the favourite to play Bella Emberg in the forthcoming Biopic of Russ Abbott, Atmospheres.

written by Ben Macnair, 13 August 2007
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Mel Gibson

Mel Gibson has not been in the news for a while. We thought we would mention him again.

written by Ben Macnair, 13 August 2007
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Reverend Al Sharpton Defends Michael Vick

Guess the reverend must have a dog in that fight.

written by TomFoolery, 01 August 2007
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Contestant on 'Deal or No Deal?' Asks Howie to Repeat Question

"Sorry, I didn't hear you the first time," said Albert Channelock of Peoria, Ill.

written by Heewack, 01 August 2007
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Canadian Man Survives Suicide Attempt by Chaining Self to Tree

Hoping to be torn limb from limb, the tree, however, refused to cooperate.

written by TomFoolery, 01 August 2007
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Wall Street rebounds on news of Nicole Richie pregnancy.

After a week of losses, the Dow Jones average was up today after Nicole Richie publicly confirmed that she was pregnant.

written by jssanders, 01 August 2007
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Armstrong won't return to 2008 Tour de France despite taunting from Matthew McConaughey

(Houston, TX)-Lance Armstrong will not be returning to the 2008 Tour de France after a one year break, despite taunting from friend Matthew McConaughey, who said he "didn't have the balls for it."

written by T. French, 02 August 2007
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Alaskan Moose seek reparations for hunting and taxidermy

(Nomansland, AK)- Animal rights group is seeking $50 million in damages for the last century of hunting and stuffing area moose. The group stated, "the winnings of the case will build an oil pipeline that will greatly benefit the moose." Local moose refused to comment.

written by T. French, 05 August 2007
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Man Unable to Quantify Being 'Happy as a Clam'

Asked by friends what exactly that meant, Robert Talladega, 23, of Calabasas, California admitted he "had no $#%@*&$ idea."

written by Heewack, 05 August 2007
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Man found burned, shot, mutilated and handcuffed in trunk of car

Sheriff Ray Cist says, "This is definitely the worst case of suicide that I've ever seen..."

written by Johnny Ovaltine, 06 August 2007
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Canada Calls Off Invasion of U.S.

"The more we looked at it, the less sense it made," said Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper. However, Quebec still plans to claim Florida, at least for the winter months...

written by Heewack, 06 August 2007
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Wong Ching Lung: Hom Si Quan Not Really My Brother

It's just something we say when we need help. "Brother! They've killed Well Hung Lo!" How else do you get someone to fight to the death if they're not related to you?

written by Johnny Ovaltine, 09 August 2007
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Russell Crowe Furious With Cast of Gladiator II

"I swear, if they call me 'Gluteous Maximus' one more time..."

written by Johnny Ovaltine, 10 August 2007
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Wikipedia Shut Down Due To Offensive Article Concerning Blackberries

The Wikipedia Chairman is thought to have commisioned the article that was claimed to be racist; ethnic minority berries would have been the legal substitute.

written by Ice-eyes, 12 August 2007
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The Fat Guy In So Many Spoof Stories Recently says,

"I've never had an eating disorder, only a major crapping disorder . . .

written by Gnarly Erik, 14 August 2007
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President for Life loses re-election bid

François "Papa Doc" Duvalier, former president for life of Haiti will not be allowed to run for a second term. He died in 1971.

written by Michael Ducky, 15 August 2007
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Mary-Kate Enraged Over Kingsley Kiss

"It wasn't even in the script…especially the spittle and groping…I mean, by the time I figured out what was going on, we were at his camper on the set and I had a hickey…"

written by Johnny Ovaltine, 16 August 2007
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Man who re-invented himself sues himself for patent infringement

Olympia, WA - (Faux News) Fred Faul, a former street tramp appeared in court today. Uniquely, he will sit as both plaintiff and defendent. His defense attorneys argued that Faul is not guilty by reason of insanity after drinking kerosene and giving oral sex to Japanese men.

written by Michael Ducky, 17 August 2007
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Religious Right again declares: human life begins at conception

Demands that Census count every pregnant woman as two people.

written by websmuggler, 19 August 2007
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Tom Cruise Takes One for Lindsay Lohan

"I wasn't driving the truck when the 7 guys went flying off the back but, she was drunk, she's bigger than me and I was scared…what was I supposed to do?"

written by Johnny Ovaltine, 21 August 2007
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U.S. Postal Service issues new commemorative stamp honoring America's prostitutes

Stamp costs 41 cents, but if you want to lick it that's 10 cents extra.

written by websmuggler, 23 August 2007
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Bush admits Iraq had no WMDs - declares war on himself

"I'm no longer with me, so I must be against me - right?" explains deeply confused President

written by websmuggler, 23 August 2007
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Two Italian teens from feuding families die in bizarre suicide pact

Shakespeare brought in for questioning; police say only English Lit majors ever get this joke.

written by websmuggler, 23 August 2007
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Report: Pigeon Poop Contributed to Minnesota Bridge Collapse

Experts claim that had the 'birdie byproduct' not helped hold the structure together, it would have collapsed years earlier.

written by TomFoolery, 23 August 2007
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Venezuelan President to Change Country's Name

When the smoke clears on the latest round of constitutional changes, what was once Caracas will become Chavez, capital of the new Kingdom of Hugovia.

written by TomFoolery, 23 August 2007
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Boy Suspended for Drawing a Gun in School

When asked the reason for the suspension, school officials drew a blank.

written by TomFoolery, 23 August 2007
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It's official: upcoming Jenna Bush/Henry Hagar marriage a shotgun wedding

"And it's MY shotgun." VP Dick Cheney warns Hagar. "So if you think I'm bluffing, just ask Harry Whittington."

written by websmuggler, 24 August 2007
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In speech, President Bush compares Iraq to Vietnam

Meaning we're losing THIS one, too.

written by websmuggler, 24 August 2007
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Bidding for Mummified Walrus Penis Bone, 4 Feet Long, Starts at $16,000

Bidding on a 4-foot-deep petrified walrus vagina expected soon.

written by TomFoolery, 27 August 2007
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Health officials warning

Health officials warned today that if current trends continue, in 80 years 210% of Americans will weigh over 400 pounds.

written by Stevenson214, 27 August 2007
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Larry Craig says: "I am not gay - not that there's anything wrong with that!"

GOP Senator admits, "Ever since 'Seinfeld' went off the air, nobody gets this joke."

written by websmuggler, 30 August 2007
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New Study Cites Suicide as Number One Cause of Self-Inflicted, Non-Accidental Death Among Americans

(Swanson, North Dakota) A New Study by the University of Swanson's Depression-Sadness Institute concludes that suicide is the number one cause of self-inflicted, non-accidental death in the U.S., beating out watching ABC's the View and masturbating while driving, which come as close seconds.

written by T. French, 01 August 2007
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British Tourists Infest Disney World

ORLANDO, Fla. (HNN) -- Local officials are trying to figure out what to do with a massive infestation of British tourists at Walt Disney World. Controlled spraying has thus far proven ineffective, officials said.

written by Heewack, 01 August 2007
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Dog Shoots Owner in the Back in Memphis, Tennessee

Black lab was attempting to prevent his master from testifying in Michael Vick dog fighting case.

written by TomFoolery, 01 August 2007
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John Barleycorn Really Is Dead

Widow says stress caused by prophetic Traffic album finally got to him. "I don't know how anyone could live with that hanging over his head," said Edna Barleycorn, 73.

written by Heewack, 01 August 2007
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Sen. Chris Dodd Leads in Neo-Nazi vote

(Washington D.C.)-A new poll reveals that Senator Chris Dodd is leading in the Neo-Nazi vote over his Democratic opponent, Hillary Clinton, after the Neo-Nazi group that runs non-profit organization, skinheads.com, realized that Sen. Clinton was, in fact, not a man, and withdrew their support.

written by T. French, 02 August 2007
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NASA To Install Breathalyzers On Shuttle Ignition

NASA engineers announced that they would be installing a breathalyzer kill switch on all future shuttle missions. "With more astronauts drinking and piloting, we just can't risk it anymore. This way we can ensure that whoever is behind the controls is at least somewhat sober."

written by jssanders, 01 August 2007
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Catholic Virgins at higher risk for STIs

(Harvard, Massachussets)- A new Harvard study shows that Catholic virgins are at a higher risk for sexually transmitted infections. The STI is acquired by the Catholic virgin through an all-too-frequent, dangerous, nonsexual encounter called an "Immaculate Infection."

written by T. French, 02 August 2007
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Train Leaving Boston at 3:15 Traveling at 35 mph Collides with Train Leaving Chicago at 4:00 Traveling at 26 mph

"This was a math problem just waiting to happen," said investigator Arnold Pillbox...

written by Heewack, 02 August 2007
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Woman Earns Masters Degree At 94!

"Now that I've got my degree, the sky's the limit!" she said just before collapsing from a massive coronary. She was pronounced dead just 15 minutes after graduation.

written by Johnny Ovaltine, 03 August 2007
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Bono announced as UK ambassador to remote island

Irish musician-activist, Bono, will be assume the role of UK ambassador to the remote isle of Wikipedi. At first the island, devoid of outside communication, had requested Sonny Bono fill the position. Hearing he was dead, they requested the next closest-sounding thing.

written by T. French, 06 August 2007
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Peter Frampton to Perform Live Version of 'Frampton Comes Alive'

"It's something I've always wanted to do," said former Humble Pie guitarist, now 57.

written by Heewack, 08 August 2007
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Philosophical Axiom Found on Parchment Buried in Pyramid

"He who goes to bed with itchy buttocks wakes up with smelly fingers."

written by Johnny Ovaltine, 09 August 2007
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American Fans Angry that Beckham Isn't Scoring 30 Goals a Game

"I don't really understand the hype about him," said Erick Bronson, 42, of Alexandria, Va., who only began following soccer last year. "All he did the other night was pass the ball."

written by Heewack, 11 August 2007
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White House saves years, thousands of lives, billions of dollars.

Admits defeat in Iran.

written by websmuggler, 17 August 2007
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Fat Man Convicted of Indecent Exposure

The court ordered that the man would have to pay for liposuction after he became so obese it was nauseating.

written by Ice-eyes, 12 August 2007
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Amy Winehouse Enjoys 30th Consecutive Minute of Sobriety

"I feel great!" the waif-like singer declares. She and husband plan to celebrate new sobriety with a 23-kegger at local hotel.

written by Heewack, 12 August 2007
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Man Dies of Viagra Overdose

Grieving family can't get his casket lid shut.

written by websmuggler, 19 August 2007
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Gambler Down to Last Quarter Wins 50 Cents

"I'm quitting while I'm ahead," said Dave Dipschiett of Las Vegas, who says he plans to use his winnings to open a retirement account.

written by Heewack, 13 August 2007
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Bolivia Purchases Coastal Time-Share

LA PAZ--The government of landlocked Bolivia has purchased a time-share for a condo in St. Petersburg, Florida to be used on a rotating basis by its 9 million citizens.

written by Heewack, 14 August 2007
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Kentucky Man Wraps Head in Duct Tape as Disguise for Attempted Robbery

But the clown was quick to discover that sometimes there just isn't enough stuff to cover up that much stupid.

written by TomFoolery, 15 August 2007
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Fudge Packers Tired of Being the Butt of Jokes

"Ever since they changed the name of the piece of the expressway that runs by the factory to 'Hershey Highway' it's been nothing but trouble."

written by Johnny Ovaltine, 16 August 2007
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Dow Jones falls again, scrapes knee

Ontario, CA (Faux News) Dow Jones, aged 12 , fell and scraped his knee again during softball practice, His biggest fall since February. The news of this event caused wide spread worry and triggered a crisis in the sub-prime loan industry.

written by Michael Ducky, 17 August 2007
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Everyone Officially Sick of "Hey There Delilah"

Most surveyed said they would rather be killed by a car bomb than hear the Plain White T's song one more $%&@& time for pete's sake already...

written by Heewack, 17 August 2007
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Man receives world's first penis transplant

But his right hand is rejecting it.

written by websmuggler, 19 August 2007
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Minneapolis bridge collapses, cars plunge into river, motorists drown

Ted Kennedy comments, "Well! Maybe now they know how it feels!"

written by websmuggler, 20 August 2007
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It's official: none of these spoof snippets is funny

except of course for mine, says websmuggler

written by websmuggler, 20 August 2007
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Satan has "Room All Ready" for Leona Helmsley

"It's very tastefully appointed," Satan said of the room prepared for the immenent arrival of the "Queen of Mean," who died August 20. He added that he "hasn't been this excited about a new arrival since Saddam Hussein."

written by Heewack, 20 August 2007
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Ron Paul Wins New Hampshire & Alabama

Returns Alabama as 'too much righteous and too little right'

written by Gnarly Erik, 22 August 2007
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Mormon man joins "Promise Keepers"

Vows to be faithful to all six of his wives.

written by websmuggler, 21 August 2007
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Cow Flees Farm, Seeks Asylum in India

Officials in New Delhi have not decided whether or not to grant asylum or deport Bessie. "They're going to eat me!" Bessie insists. Her owner, farmer Inda Dell of Norwalk, Ohio, disputes her claim, saying Bessie is a "milk cow."

written by Heewack, 21 August 2007
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NAACP: Michael Vick Should Return to NFL

Hopefully, what the dastardly dog destroyer will return to the NFL are his lucrative multi-million-dollar contract, his uniform, his endorcements...

written by TomFoolery, 23 August 2007
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Survey: Seniors Enjoying Sex Well Into Their Eighties

However, the vast majority of them don't remember it the next day.

written by TomFoolery, 23 August 2007
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Pop Tarts: Beyonce Suffers Wardrobe Malfunction at Canada concert

The ebony enchantress is grateful to Janet Jackson for keeping her 'abreast' of the latest 'coming out' crowd pleasing 'tips.'

written by TomFoolery, 23 August 2007
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Ron Paul criticizes NASA for scheduling lunar eclipse "at such an ungodly hour".

"NASA says the eclipse will be from 1:54 to 3:25 AM?" said the GOP Presidential candidate. "Why schedule it for when most people are asleep? Another example of government mismanagement, I say!"

written by websmuggler, 28 August 2007
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It's official: More people now make a living off of 9/11 than died in it

"I owe my career to 9/11. Without it, I'd be nowhere." says Homeland Security chief Michael Chertoff, one of 60,000 otherwise unemployable pigs with their snouts now permanently in the federal trough.

written by websmuggler, 30 August 2007
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Senator Larry Craig Is Not Gay!

He's just an Ordinary, Simple ****house Butt-Troller

written by Gnarly Erik, 30 August 2007
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Stock Market Takes a Plunge

Sales in swimwear up by 30%

written by Jaffa Forbes , 20 August 2007
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